AI S8
Title: Never The Same
Author: like-i-love-you
Rating: R
Summary: Danny slowly self-destructs and loses it. His anger at Adam becomes all consuming. From Danny’s POV.
Warning: non-con
Author’s Note: Written for the original AI kinkmeme.
Danny doesn’t audition assuming he’ll win. He’s good enough, that isn’t the question. He knows he’ll never win if he’s facing a David Cook or Carrie Underwood. He needs to hear the field of contestants. He’s not the only insanely talented person out there. Hollywood week is of course a shoe-in. In Hollywood, once he starts hearing the competitors, he knows. This is his year.
He will never admit to being afraid but the first time he heard Adam... It’s exactly the kind of vocal talent he doesn’t need to face. He starts planning and strategizing right away. Any decent contestant knows it isn’t just about the singing. He has to give the public what they want.
Learning that Adam was not just a musical theater devotee but gay, is just what Danny needs to hear. America will never vote for someone like him to win. If Adam could keep it under the radar maybe, but Adam... there is nothing quiet about him.
Danny, of course, makes the show as does Adam and the other irrelevant people that round out the top 13. He isn’t worried about the other contestants. As the weeks pass those that stayed take a turn in the bottom 3. The judges clearly love him. The producers love him. America obviously loves him because week after week he isn’t in the bottom three. Danny is not surprised. Adam isn’t in the bottom either but eventually the voting will drop. America is not ready for a gay Idol.
Kris is also not in the bottom three but Danny isn’t worried. The judges clearly don’t think Kris can win. Danny is on his way to the final, and there is no question in his mind he will beat Kris if it comes down to that. Never mind that Danny is the better singer, Kris has made a serious tactical error. He is friends with Adam.
Top five and Adam and Kris are finally in the bottom 3. It could have been reassuring but Danny has always known their time would come. His record remains unblemished.
Top 4. Rock week. Danny makes his first mistake and he knows it. He is painfully obviously better than Kris in the duet. It looks like everything is going well. Then he misses that note. Perfect in practice, he cannot believe that sound is coming from his mouth. He analyzes the performances after the show for hours. He’s pretty sure the duet will make up for that note. He knows he has a solid voting bloc. He can get past this.
Allison goes home. Danny would have guessed Kris but it’s all the same to him. Kris will go home next week. He can sing but he just isn’t star material. He’ll face Adam in the final. Adam will put on a stellar show as always, but his sins will come back to bite him. When people pick up the phone they won’t just be thinking about the singing. They’ll be picturing those pictures. The ones that made Danny feel sick.
Top 3 when Ryan announces his name the bottom drops out of his world. It’s unthinkable. Kris and Adam are joined at the hip and he is going home. They put on show of being sorry to see him go, but he knows they're not. It’s not just that they have made the final. Danny knows they don’t like him as a human being.
He tries to smile, just enough. He sings one last time. He tries not to think about a society that would vote for a sinner such as Adam, for a supporter like Kris. He needs to keep the anger at bay until he’s alone. There’s still a chance for someone to sign him.
It’s not until he’s back in the mansion washing Adam’s touch from his skin that he feels calm enough to apologize to Sophia for failing her. He doesn’t know where to go from here. He doesn’t know how he’s going to survive the tour. He aches with missing her. Finally, alone in the shower, Danny cries.
Kris and Adam are insufferable and Danny is slowly losing his mind. Kris won and it’s certainly better than Adam winning, but Kris keeps saying Adam should have won. The media circus is insane. No one wants to talk to Danny Gokey. He only came in third.
Kris has his guaranteed contract. Then 19E signs Adam and Allison. Danny is still waiting. The show that loved him seems to have forgotten him. He knows someone else could sign him but 19E still holds his show duration contract. He won’t know for months.
Kris won but it’s Adam that everyone wants to hear about. It becomes clear that Kris rode Adam’s coattails to his win. Danny was right. America would never vote a gay Idol as the winner. He was also wrong. Being friends with Adam was not a mistake. People who just couldn’t quite bring themselves to vote for Adam had voted for the next best thing. Kris.
Danny should have won. His loss is all Adam’s fault.
By the time they get to San Jose on July 12th, six shows in, Danny wishes he could join the protesters or even cheer them on. Instead he keeps his mouth shut and watches as the other Idols rally around Adam, even Michael. Danny is truly alone.
When they play San Diego on July 18, Danny talks to Sophia for the last time. Somewhere between July 26th and 28th on their way from Memphis to Tampa he stops praying. The world is unfair. Danny always believed God had a plan, a reason, even when he took Sophia. He can’t even remember the early days of the show when he thought that after everything was over he might talk to Adam. There are programs and while winning came first, back then he’d known he had to at least try and save Adam’s soul. He’d wanted to try
Danny puts on a show every night. For his fans who have come to see him sing. For the tour management who expect him to deliver. For the other Idols who have no clue. The nine people he should be closest to right now but who talk about him behind his back. He can’t be certain but he knows.
The anger starts slipping out around the edges. His entire life has turned into one big long performance. He’s not sleeping well at night. None of the other Idols say anything. Danny watches as they stop pretending to bother with him. In a way it’s easier. He doesn’t have to pretend so much anymore. It’s also worse. He’s isolated and miserable. It all just keeps fueling his anger. At God. At reality. Especially at Adam.
The truth is he didn’t mean to do it, but he doesn’t care enough anymore to be sorry. He makes Allison cry. It’s August 5th and they’re playing Baltimore that night. He keeps waiting for Mrs. Iraheta to yell at him. Or Adam if no one told Allison's mom. No one talks to him except as absolutely necessary. It’s Michael who finds him after the show.
Michael backs him into a corner. They’re in an empty room. Danny doesn’t even feel scared. He doesn’t feel much of anything. “I was expecting Adam or Mrs. Iraheta.” He speaks without worrying about the consequences. He just wants to get this over with. Michael digs his fingers into Danny’s back where the bruises won’t show.
“Adam doesn’t know I’m here. He seems to think you need support for whatever it is you’re going through. I think you’re just an asshole.” It’s the kindness that breaks him. Some small part of him knows that Adam means exactly what he said- and that this maybe his last chance. The other voice is louder. The one that tells him Adam is just trying to show him up, to prove yet again how much better than Danny he is.
He doesn’t hear the rest of what Michael says or feel the bruises on his back. There’s just the fire low in his gut. He knows it’s not real but it’s all he can feel. There’s no glitter or sparkle or light left around him and he just wants it back, wants to grab it and hold on to it like a dying man. It doesn’t work that way. He used to know that but he’s forgotten. Danny’s forgotten a lot of things. He’s not entirely sure how the world got so dark but he knows one thing. It’s all Adam’s fault.
It’s 2 am August 13th and they’ve just played their second Long Island show. Danny is standing in front of Adams door. He doesn’t know why he’s there. He doesn’t remember until after he’s knocked that Drake has been visiting. Drake’s flight was sometime late tonight but Danny has no idea when. He’s already turned to leave when Adam opens the door.
Adam looks happy. A look of surprise crosses his face when he realizes its Danny but still manages to sound perfectly polite when he asks what he needs. Danny thinks that Adam doesn’t deserve to be happy when his life is in pieces. He thinks Adam doesn’t know when to stop performing. In that moment wants to wipe that look off Adam’s face. “Drake?” Danny means that he should go but it sounds like a question and Adam says he’s left.
Adam waves him inside but before Adam can clear the door way Danny is pushing his way inside, shoving Adam backwards. He manages to shut the door behind him but he doesn’t even notice. He’s striking out, hitting Adam in the chest. He just wants to feel warm again. Adam doesn’t even fight back. Danny wants Adam to swing to fight back because at least he would feel that.
His hands unintentionally catch the edges of Adams robe and the too lose knot comes undone. The robe falls open. Adam is naked underneath. Danny realizes that Adam is happy because he has Drake. Adam has Drake and Sophia is gone. Adam is just standing there. Adam has Drake and Sophia is gone. He shoves Adam backwards again and again. Adam just takes it and Danny can’t breathe. Sophia is gone. He shoves until Adam hit’s the bed falling backwards in surprise- and then Danny is gone too.
Adam’s legs tangle with Danny’s bringing the smaller man down on top of him. There’s a stunned moment and then Danny’s hands are scrabbling at Adam, trying to gain purchase. Up close he can still smell the lingering scent of sex and he realizes Drake must have only just left. His vision grays out for a moment. Then Adam is pushing up and Danny pushes down.
He doesn’t register Adam’s ‘Danny!’, ‘what the fuck’, or any of the statements that follow. His pajama pants and boxers are easier to wiggle down then one might think, pooling inelegantly around his ankles. Adam is trying to rise up but the beds are high and he doesn’t have good purchase to push with his feet. The slickness of the silk robe under him doesn’t help.
Danny kicks Adam’s feet apart without raising his weight from the taller man. When he does rise to his feet, pressing down on Adam’s midsection to keep him down, it is a far smoother move than any he’s done on stage. He’s never done this before but it’s not so different. He’s not thinking about those differences. He’s not thinking.
He’s only on his feet a moment before he’s shoving in. In some detached part of his brain he notes that it’s easier then he imagined. It reminds him again that Drake has only just left, that Adam is happy.
He doesn’t register when Adam goes still. Everything hurts and then for several moments everything feels better. Finally he comes and the moment’s gone. It all still hurts.
It all still hurts.
He stares down at Adam, unnaturally still on the bed. The lack of fight and fire is like a bucket of ice water to Danny’s soul. He expects the world to open up and swallow him whole. Or God to smite him. For several long moments he just stands there staring. Finally he has to close his eyes.
When he opens his eyes Adam is still staring blankly at the ceiling. He tries to take a step backwards but, hampered by his pants around his ankles, he falls. He ignores the pain where his right elbow hits the floor. In a flurry of movement he stands and redresses before running from the room.
The wakeup call finds Danny only just half a sleep. The bed is covered with the empty bottles of a decent part of his mini bar. His head is pounding. Adam lying so still dances before his eyes.
He showers although it doesn’t help. He raids the mini bar for breakfast and packs the rest in his bag. When they board the bus he shoves past everybody to go lie down on his bunk and wait. They all know right where he is. Nobody comes for him.
Hours pass and the bus stays early morning quiet, too quiet. Adam is quiet. Danny just wants to sleep but he can’t bear to close his eyes. He’d thought that he couldn’t feel any colder but he was wrong. This time it’s not the world that’s shifted but something in him. He puts on an extra layer of clothes for the first time. It doesn’t help.
By the time they arrive at the hotel in Hamilton Ontario late on the 13th, Danny knows that Adam hasn’t told anyone. There’s not one of them that would have waited. He raids the mini bar and drinks himself to sleep. He wakes up at 4 am and never goes back to sleep. No one knocks on his door. When he packs up to head to the bus he adds the contents of his mini bar to his bag. He has to leave a shirt behind to make room.
He’s surprised to find he can fake his performance the same as always. Adams performance is a mess. Danny suffers through half it. It’s not even close to what he deserves. Finally he blocks his ears for all the good it will do. He has to stick close for the closing number or he’d be long gone in the bowels of the venue.
He hears the post show whispering about Adam’s performance but doesn't try to catch any of it. He just waits for the first opportunity to take off for the bus and then goes. The moment he’s shut in his bunk he starts in on his alcohol stash.
The next six days are the same. No one talks to Danny, but that’s not new. Adam won’t talk to anyone. The other contestants are always whispering. August 18th in Boston Danny is buzzed for his performance. It doesn’t seem to make much difference, but sitting through Adam’s set is easier. The next night in Albany he’s even less sober. His performance suffers, but Adam’s set is even easier.
Adam looks like a ghost, impeccably made up but no one’s home. Adam is all Danny can see when he closes his eyes. He begins throwing up after eating. Only the other Idols notice but no one cares. Why should they? He starts taking his showers to hot.
He’s drunk for the Philadelphia show on the 20th. It shows. Management meets with him back stage. He mutters Sophia and gets off with a warning and a promise it won’t happen again. He doesn’t intend to keep his promise. He hears his name alongside Adam’s amongst the whispered conversations back stage. The first thing he does when he hits the bus is have a drink. He doesn’t sleep.
Management comes down on him hard. He stops drinking for performances but he drinks plenty the rest of the time.
Time passes. Shows happen. He keeps waiting for Adam to talk. For any one of the Idols to come find him. He wants them to find him. Maybe enough pain will stop the Adam slideshow every time he closes his eyes. He’s still wearing too many clothes, still drinking. Never getting enough sleep.
Everyone is freaked out about Adam. His performances have improved but the entire world knows something is wrong. No one hears from Drake. Brad is there for both shows in Ohio. Neil flies in for both Missouri shows. Alisan shows up for the show in Illinois. Cassidy is at the Indianapolis show. Adam won’t see any of them.
Danny feels like he’s watching Adam die right before his eyes. There’s a permanent bite bruise at the base of his thumb from keeping the screams in. No one notices. No one is paying attention. Everyone is focused on Adam.
In Reading Pennsylvania they barely get Adam on stage. He performs as well as he has been which is flat. Danny can’t believe they haven’t stopped the tour. He knows the other Idols have been calling the appropriate people daily. He only finds out after the show that Adam’s parent’s showed up. He doesn't know any more than that. Adam’s parents show up in Wilkes Barre the next night and it’s the same scene all over again fighting to get Adam on stage.
September 12th in Portland Maine Danny cracks. Kris is on the phone with Katy as he is before every show. It’s purely by accident that Danny stumbles upon him. He turns to leave when he hears Kris start praying. Danny knows the words well. The cadence is one he remembers from church, from Sophia. He turns and Kris still on the phone, praying with Katy.
Danny knows he should go but his legs won’t hold him up. He slides to the floor. Kris goes silent for a moment and then offers his own prayer, following Katy. Danny remembers this. Kris is praying for Adam and Danny tries to rise. “And Danny.” Kris is praying for him. The words propel Danny off the floor. He doesn’t find a bathroom before throwing up what little is in his stomach.
He finds Michael first, on the phone- probably with his wife. Danny grabs the phone and hangs up then ducks into an empty room. Confused and a little angry Michael follows. “I. Adam.” Danny gestures helplessly. In the silence that follows Michael just stares. Danny doesn’t know how to say it. Michael isn’t telepathic.
Michael turns to leave and the words fall from Danny’s lips. “What would you do if it was your wife?” Michael pauses and turns slowly. “What would you do if it was your wife?” “What would you do if it was your wife?” Danny can’t stop, just keeps getting louder. “What would you do if it was your wife?” “What would you do if it was your wife?” He sees the moment Michael gets it, stumbling back as if he was pushed. “What would you do if it was your wife?” Michael fist strikes him squarely in the solar plexus. Danny falls to the floor and, for the first time since the night Ryan called his name, Danny cries.
When Michael walks away Danny is in no shape to perform. Management wants him to go to the hospital but Danny refuses. He has only begun his penance. He knows it will never be enough. The commotion draws the other Idols.
When Michael looks at Adam, Adam knows. “After the tour. After.” Adam is pleading. Finally, long moments later, Michael nods and Adam runs from the room. In the bustle no one takes note.
Danny stumbles his way through the last three shows. He hadn’t thought it possible, but his performances are worse than Adam’s. He knows this is the biggest tour he’ll ever have. It doesn’t matter if they manage to sweep his mess under the rug. He hasn’t earned the career he’s always dreamed of. He cannot ask any of the other Idols to coexist with him. He wants to feel good again.
The tour is over but there will be no post tour party. Every last one of the Idols has told management not to bother. None of them would be showing up, ordered to or not. They intend to meet in Michael’s room for answers. Danny will be in his room. Michael informed him that Adam won’t be there either but is staying on the phone with Michael in case.
“You don’t have to do this.” The other Idols deserve an explanation but not at Adam’s expense. Michael gives Adam this one last chance. “I can’t see them all. You’ll come?” Michael has already said he will but he tells Adam again. “Maybe Kris or...” Adam trails off. “You’ll know.”
Michael steps out of the bathroom with the phone up to his ear. The other Idols and Todd are waiting. He keeps it short and clear. When he almost can’t get it out he’s glad he practiced saying it out loud. “Danny raped Adam. Once.” There’s a moment of stunned silence he knows won’t last so he keeps going. “Adam hasn’t made a decision. He’s also not ready to see you all.” The silence ends as they all begin talking at once. “Don’t talk.” Michael has to shout to get their attention back. “I’m headed to his room. You can stay here. Keep this quiet. That means nothing that will raise questions about Danny. Promise.” No one answers. “Promise.” He shakes the phone at the group and finally gets verbal confirmation and head nods.
“I’m on my way.” Michael tells Adam. As he leaves his room he can hear the angry conversation resume. He doesn’t know how to do this but he has to. Kris stops the door before Michael can close it. “I’m coming with you.” Michael gives the younger man a good hard look but says okay and tells Adam.
Hours later Michael is curled up on one side of Adam, Kris on the other. The only part of the situation that feels wrong is the why. He’s wondering what he was ever afraid of when Adam speaks. “I know what I want.”
Danny is waiting for the mob to knock down his door. For Kris or Matt or Anoop to come in swinging. He’s imagined Scott lead by one of the others wielding his cane like a weapon. Allison taking him down like a wild cat. He knows when the knock comes it might be the police. He deserves all of them. He wants a drink but his mini bar has been cleared out per management's orders. A montage of Adam since that night plays in his head. He waits.
When the knock comes he’s surprised to feel relief. To know that it’s out there. To know maybe Adam can heal. He knows none of the top ten will ever be the same. He opens the door and let’s Michael in.
Danny doesn’t look at the psychiatrist across from him. He’ll have to eventually. He’s going to be here for months. However long it takes. Until he can look himself in the mirror and say it out loud and still find a way to move forward.
“Sophia died.” He can say that. It’s not the most important part. It’s certainly not the worst part. It is the beginning.
Author: like-i-love-you
Rating: R
Summary: Danny slowly self-destructs and loses it. His anger at Adam becomes all consuming. From Danny’s POV.
Warning: non-con
Author’s Note: Written for the original AI kinkmeme.
Danny doesn’t audition assuming he’ll win. He’s good enough, that isn’t the question. He knows he’ll never win if he’s facing a David Cook or Carrie Underwood. He needs to hear the field of contestants. He’s not the only insanely talented person out there. Hollywood week is of course a shoe-in. In Hollywood, once he starts hearing the competitors, he knows. This is his year.
He will never admit to being afraid but the first time he heard Adam... It’s exactly the kind of vocal talent he doesn’t need to face. He starts planning and strategizing right away. Any decent contestant knows it isn’t just about the singing. He has to give the public what they want.
Learning that Adam was not just a musical theater devotee but gay, is just what Danny needs to hear. America will never vote for someone like him to win. If Adam could keep it under the radar maybe, but Adam... there is nothing quiet about him.
Danny, of course, makes the show as does Adam and the other irrelevant people that round out the top 13. He isn’t worried about the other contestants. As the weeks pass those that stayed take a turn in the bottom 3. The judges clearly love him. The producers love him. America obviously loves him because week after week he isn’t in the bottom three. Danny is not surprised. Adam isn’t in the bottom either but eventually the voting will drop. America is not ready for a gay Idol.
Kris is also not in the bottom three but Danny isn’t worried. The judges clearly don’t think Kris can win. Danny is on his way to the final, and there is no question in his mind he will beat Kris if it comes down to that. Never mind that Danny is the better singer, Kris has made a serious tactical error. He is friends with Adam.
Top five and Adam and Kris are finally in the bottom 3. It could have been reassuring but Danny has always known their time would come. His record remains unblemished.
Top 4. Rock week. Danny makes his first mistake and he knows it. He is painfully obviously better than Kris in the duet. It looks like everything is going well. Then he misses that note. Perfect in practice, he cannot believe that sound is coming from his mouth. He analyzes the performances after the show for hours. He’s pretty sure the duet will make up for that note. He knows he has a solid voting bloc. He can get past this.
Allison goes home. Danny would have guessed Kris but it’s all the same to him. Kris will go home next week. He can sing but he just isn’t star material. He’ll face Adam in the final. Adam will put on a stellar show as always, but his sins will come back to bite him. When people pick up the phone they won’t just be thinking about the singing. They’ll be picturing those pictures. The ones that made Danny feel sick.
Top 3 when Ryan announces his name the bottom drops out of his world. It’s unthinkable. Kris and Adam are joined at the hip and he is going home. They put on show of being sorry to see him go, but he knows they're not. It’s not just that they have made the final. Danny knows they don’t like him as a human being.
He tries to smile, just enough. He sings one last time. He tries not to think about a society that would vote for a sinner such as Adam, for a supporter like Kris. He needs to keep the anger at bay until he’s alone. There’s still a chance for someone to sign him.
It’s not until he’s back in the mansion washing Adam’s touch from his skin that he feels calm enough to apologize to Sophia for failing her. He doesn’t know where to go from here. He doesn’t know how he’s going to survive the tour. He aches with missing her. Finally, alone in the shower, Danny cries.
Kris and Adam are insufferable and Danny is slowly losing his mind. Kris won and it’s certainly better than Adam winning, but Kris keeps saying Adam should have won. The media circus is insane. No one wants to talk to Danny Gokey. He only came in third.
Kris has his guaranteed contract. Then 19E signs Adam and Allison. Danny is still waiting. The show that loved him seems to have forgotten him. He knows someone else could sign him but 19E still holds his show duration contract. He won’t know for months.
Kris won but it’s Adam that everyone wants to hear about. It becomes clear that Kris rode Adam’s coattails to his win. Danny was right. America would never vote a gay Idol as the winner. He was also wrong. Being friends with Adam was not a mistake. People who just couldn’t quite bring themselves to vote for Adam had voted for the next best thing. Kris.
Danny should have won. His loss is all Adam’s fault.
By the time they get to San Jose on July 12th, six shows in, Danny wishes he could join the protesters or even cheer them on. Instead he keeps his mouth shut and watches as the other Idols rally around Adam, even Michael. Danny is truly alone.
When they play San Diego on July 18, Danny talks to Sophia for the last time. Somewhere between July 26th and 28th on their way from Memphis to Tampa he stops praying. The world is unfair. Danny always believed God had a plan, a reason, even when he took Sophia. He can’t even remember the early days of the show when he thought that after everything was over he might talk to Adam. There are programs and while winning came first, back then he’d known he had to at least try and save Adam’s soul. He’d wanted to try
Danny puts on a show every night. For his fans who have come to see him sing. For the tour management who expect him to deliver. For the other Idols who have no clue. The nine people he should be closest to right now but who talk about him behind his back. He can’t be certain but he knows.
The anger starts slipping out around the edges. His entire life has turned into one big long performance. He’s not sleeping well at night. None of the other Idols say anything. Danny watches as they stop pretending to bother with him. In a way it’s easier. He doesn’t have to pretend so much anymore. It’s also worse. He’s isolated and miserable. It all just keeps fueling his anger. At God. At reality. Especially at Adam.
The truth is he didn’t mean to do it, but he doesn’t care enough anymore to be sorry. He makes Allison cry. It’s August 5th and they’re playing Baltimore that night. He keeps waiting for Mrs. Iraheta to yell at him. Or Adam if no one told Allison's mom. No one talks to him except as absolutely necessary. It’s Michael who finds him after the show.
Michael backs him into a corner. They’re in an empty room. Danny doesn’t even feel scared. He doesn’t feel much of anything. “I was expecting Adam or Mrs. Iraheta.” He speaks without worrying about the consequences. He just wants to get this over with. Michael digs his fingers into Danny’s back where the bruises won’t show.
“Adam doesn’t know I’m here. He seems to think you need support for whatever it is you’re going through. I think you’re just an asshole.” It’s the kindness that breaks him. Some small part of him knows that Adam means exactly what he said- and that this maybe his last chance. The other voice is louder. The one that tells him Adam is just trying to show him up, to prove yet again how much better than Danny he is.
He doesn’t hear the rest of what Michael says or feel the bruises on his back. There’s just the fire low in his gut. He knows it’s not real but it’s all he can feel. There’s no glitter or sparkle or light left around him and he just wants it back, wants to grab it and hold on to it like a dying man. It doesn’t work that way. He used to know that but he’s forgotten. Danny’s forgotten a lot of things. He’s not entirely sure how the world got so dark but he knows one thing. It’s all Adam’s fault.
It’s 2 am August 13th and they’ve just played their second Long Island show. Danny is standing in front of Adams door. He doesn’t know why he’s there. He doesn’t remember until after he’s knocked that Drake has been visiting. Drake’s flight was sometime late tonight but Danny has no idea when. He’s already turned to leave when Adam opens the door.
Adam looks happy. A look of surprise crosses his face when he realizes its Danny but still manages to sound perfectly polite when he asks what he needs. Danny thinks that Adam doesn’t deserve to be happy when his life is in pieces. He thinks Adam doesn’t know when to stop performing. In that moment wants to wipe that look off Adam’s face. “Drake?” Danny means that he should go but it sounds like a question and Adam says he’s left.
Adam waves him inside but before Adam can clear the door way Danny is pushing his way inside, shoving Adam backwards. He manages to shut the door behind him but he doesn’t even notice. He’s striking out, hitting Adam in the chest. He just wants to feel warm again. Adam doesn’t even fight back. Danny wants Adam to swing to fight back because at least he would feel that.
His hands unintentionally catch the edges of Adams robe and the too lose knot comes undone. The robe falls open. Adam is naked underneath. Danny realizes that Adam is happy because he has Drake. Adam has Drake and Sophia is gone. Adam is just standing there. Adam has Drake and Sophia is gone. He shoves Adam backwards again and again. Adam just takes it and Danny can’t breathe. Sophia is gone. He shoves until Adam hit’s the bed falling backwards in surprise- and then Danny is gone too.
Adam’s legs tangle with Danny’s bringing the smaller man down on top of him. There’s a stunned moment and then Danny’s hands are scrabbling at Adam, trying to gain purchase. Up close he can still smell the lingering scent of sex and he realizes Drake must have only just left. His vision grays out for a moment. Then Adam is pushing up and Danny pushes down.
He doesn’t register Adam’s ‘Danny!’, ‘what the fuck’, or any of the statements that follow. His pajama pants and boxers are easier to wiggle down then one might think, pooling inelegantly around his ankles. Adam is trying to rise up but the beds are high and he doesn’t have good purchase to push with his feet. The slickness of the silk robe under him doesn’t help.
Danny kicks Adam’s feet apart without raising his weight from the taller man. When he does rise to his feet, pressing down on Adam’s midsection to keep him down, it is a far smoother move than any he’s done on stage. He’s never done this before but it’s not so different. He’s not thinking about those differences. He’s not thinking.
He’s only on his feet a moment before he’s shoving in. In some detached part of his brain he notes that it’s easier then he imagined. It reminds him again that Drake has only just left, that Adam is happy.
He doesn’t register when Adam goes still. Everything hurts and then for several moments everything feels better. Finally he comes and the moment’s gone. It all still hurts.
It all still hurts.
He stares down at Adam, unnaturally still on the bed. The lack of fight and fire is like a bucket of ice water to Danny’s soul. He expects the world to open up and swallow him whole. Or God to smite him. For several long moments he just stands there staring. Finally he has to close his eyes.
When he opens his eyes Adam is still staring blankly at the ceiling. He tries to take a step backwards but, hampered by his pants around his ankles, he falls. He ignores the pain where his right elbow hits the floor. In a flurry of movement he stands and redresses before running from the room.
The wakeup call finds Danny only just half a sleep. The bed is covered with the empty bottles of a decent part of his mini bar. His head is pounding. Adam lying so still dances before his eyes.
He showers although it doesn’t help. He raids the mini bar for breakfast and packs the rest in his bag. When they board the bus he shoves past everybody to go lie down on his bunk and wait. They all know right where he is. Nobody comes for him.
Hours pass and the bus stays early morning quiet, too quiet. Adam is quiet. Danny just wants to sleep but he can’t bear to close his eyes. He’d thought that he couldn’t feel any colder but he was wrong. This time it’s not the world that’s shifted but something in him. He puts on an extra layer of clothes for the first time. It doesn’t help.
By the time they arrive at the hotel in Hamilton Ontario late on the 13th, Danny knows that Adam hasn’t told anyone. There’s not one of them that would have waited. He raids the mini bar and drinks himself to sleep. He wakes up at 4 am and never goes back to sleep. No one knocks on his door. When he packs up to head to the bus he adds the contents of his mini bar to his bag. He has to leave a shirt behind to make room.
He’s surprised to find he can fake his performance the same as always. Adams performance is a mess. Danny suffers through half it. It’s not even close to what he deserves. Finally he blocks his ears for all the good it will do. He has to stick close for the closing number or he’d be long gone in the bowels of the venue.
He hears the post show whispering about Adam’s performance but doesn't try to catch any of it. He just waits for the first opportunity to take off for the bus and then goes. The moment he’s shut in his bunk he starts in on his alcohol stash.
The next six days are the same. No one talks to Danny, but that’s not new. Adam won’t talk to anyone. The other contestants are always whispering. August 18th in Boston Danny is buzzed for his performance. It doesn’t seem to make much difference, but sitting through Adam’s set is easier. The next night in Albany he’s even less sober. His performance suffers, but Adam’s set is even easier.
Adam looks like a ghost, impeccably made up but no one’s home. Adam is all Danny can see when he closes his eyes. He begins throwing up after eating. Only the other Idols notice but no one cares. Why should they? He starts taking his showers to hot.
He’s drunk for the Philadelphia show on the 20th. It shows. Management meets with him back stage. He mutters Sophia and gets off with a warning and a promise it won’t happen again. He doesn’t intend to keep his promise. He hears his name alongside Adam’s amongst the whispered conversations back stage. The first thing he does when he hits the bus is have a drink. He doesn’t sleep.
Management comes down on him hard. He stops drinking for performances but he drinks plenty the rest of the time.
Time passes. Shows happen. He keeps waiting for Adam to talk. For any one of the Idols to come find him. He wants them to find him. Maybe enough pain will stop the Adam slideshow every time he closes his eyes. He’s still wearing too many clothes, still drinking. Never getting enough sleep.
Everyone is freaked out about Adam. His performances have improved but the entire world knows something is wrong. No one hears from Drake. Brad is there for both shows in Ohio. Neil flies in for both Missouri shows. Alisan shows up for the show in Illinois. Cassidy is at the Indianapolis show. Adam won’t see any of them.
Danny feels like he’s watching Adam die right before his eyes. There’s a permanent bite bruise at the base of his thumb from keeping the screams in. No one notices. No one is paying attention. Everyone is focused on Adam.
In Reading Pennsylvania they barely get Adam on stage. He performs as well as he has been which is flat. Danny can’t believe they haven’t stopped the tour. He knows the other Idols have been calling the appropriate people daily. He only finds out after the show that Adam’s parent’s showed up. He doesn't know any more than that. Adam’s parents show up in Wilkes Barre the next night and it’s the same scene all over again fighting to get Adam on stage.
September 12th in Portland Maine Danny cracks. Kris is on the phone with Katy as he is before every show. It’s purely by accident that Danny stumbles upon him. He turns to leave when he hears Kris start praying. Danny knows the words well. The cadence is one he remembers from church, from Sophia. He turns and Kris still on the phone, praying with Katy.
Danny knows he should go but his legs won’t hold him up. He slides to the floor. Kris goes silent for a moment and then offers his own prayer, following Katy. Danny remembers this. Kris is praying for Adam and Danny tries to rise. “And Danny.” Kris is praying for him. The words propel Danny off the floor. He doesn’t find a bathroom before throwing up what little is in his stomach.
He finds Michael first, on the phone- probably with his wife. Danny grabs the phone and hangs up then ducks into an empty room. Confused and a little angry Michael follows. “I. Adam.” Danny gestures helplessly. In the silence that follows Michael just stares. Danny doesn’t know how to say it. Michael isn’t telepathic.
Michael turns to leave and the words fall from Danny’s lips. “What would you do if it was your wife?” Michael pauses and turns slowly. “What would you do if it was your wife?” “What would you do if it was your wife?” Danny can’t stop, just keeps getting louder. “What would you do if it was your wife?” “What would you do if it was your wife?” He sees the moment Michael gets it, stumbling back as if he was pushed. “What would you do if it was your wife?” Michael fist strikes him squarely in the solar plexus. Danny falls to the floor and, for the first time since the night Ryan called his name, Danny cries.
When Michael walks away Danny is in no shape to perform. Management wants him to go to the hospital but Danny refuses. He has only begun his penance. He knows it will never be enough. The commotion draws the other Idols.
When Michael looks at Adam, Adam knows. “After the tour. After.” Adam is pleading. Finally, long moments later, Michael nods and Adam runs from the room. In the bustle no one takes note.
Danny stumbles his way through the last three shows. He hadn’t thought it possible, but his performances are worse than Adam’s. He knows this is the biggest tour he’ll ever have. It doesn’t matter if they manage to sweep his mess under the rug. He hasn’t earned the career he’s always dreamed of. He cannot ask any of the other Idols to coexist with him. He wants to feel good again.
The tour is over but there will be no post tour party. Every last one of the Idols has told management not to bother. None of them would be showing up, ordered to or not. They intend to meet in Michael’s room for answers. Danny will be in his room. Michael informed him that Adam won’t be there either but is staying on the phone with Michael in case.
“You don’t have to do this.” The other Idols deserve an explanation but not at Adam’s expense. Michael gives Adam this one last chance. “I can’t see them all. You’ll come?” Michael has already said he will but he tells Adam again. “Maybe Kris or...” Adam trails off. “You’ll know.”
Michael steps out of the bathroom with the phone up to his ear. The other Idols and Todd are waiting. He keeps it short and clear. When he almost can’t get it out he’s glad he practiced saying it out loud. “Danny raped Adam. Once.” There’s a moment of stunned silence he knows won’t last so he keeps going. “Adam hasn’t made a decision. He’s also not ready to see you all.” The silence ends as they all begin talking at once. “Don’t talk.” Michael has to shout to get their attention back. “I’m headed to his room. You can stay here. Keep this quiet. That means nothing that will raise questions about Danny. Promise.” No one answers. “Promise.” He shakes the phone at the group and finally gets verbal confirmation and head nods.
“I’m on my way.” Michael tells Adam. As he leaves his room he can hear the angry conversation resume. He doesn’t know how to do this but he has to. Kris stops the door before Michael can close it. “I’m coming with you.” Michael gives the younger man a good hard look but says okay and tells Adam.
Hours later Michael is curled up on one side of Adam, Kris on the other. The only part of the situation that feels wrong is the why. He’s wondering what he was ever afraid of when Adam speaks. “I know what I want.”
Danny is waiting for the mob to knock down his door. For Kris or Matt or Anoop to come in swinging. He’s imagined Scott lead by one of the others wielding his cane like a weapon. Allison taking him down like a wild cat. He knows when the knock comes it might be the police. He deserves all of them. He wants a drink but his mini bar has been cleared out per management's orders. A montage of Adam since that night plays in his head. He waits.
When the knock comes he’s surprised to feel relief. To know that it’s out there. To know maybe Adam can heal. He knows none of the top ten will ever be the same. He opens the door and let’s Michael in.
Danny doesn’t look at the psychiatrist across from him. He’ll have to eventually. He’s going to be here for months. However long it takes. Until he can look himself in the mirror and say it out loud and still find a way to move forward.
“Sophia died.” He can say that. It’s not the most important part. It’s certainly not the worst part. It is the beginning.