four times william moseley regretted kissing his co-stars & one time he didn't, will/various, pg-13
You know, I really do think I started writing this in February, so I'm amazed I managed to stick with it so long and turn it into an actual, complete fic. Maybe it helps that I got some actual sleep last night.
Also dude, check out the mass of tags on this entry.
Title: four times william moseley regretted kissing his co-stars & one time he didn't
Author: likecharity
Pairings: Will/Anna, Will/Tilda, Will/Ben, Will/James, Will/Skandar
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Real person fiction.
Summary: See title!
A/N: This came out so completely different to how I originally intended it, back in like, February, or whenever the hell I got this idea. But I like it anyway. I hope you do too!
EDIT: I just realised there's no weird!Ben in this, and now I'm ashamed. In this fic, he's like, totally ordinary, and kind of a twat. WHAT HAVE I DONE. D:
1. Anna
People probably expected something to have happened between them during filming, but it never did. It happens after they finish filming and go home. They all still see each other, after a couple of weeks' break, and Will goes round to Anna's house for dinner every now and then.
It's after one of these times, when they're sitting in her living room watching a double-bill of Friends, that it happens.
"My Mum keeps saying you'd make the perfect boyfriend," Anna says. Will can tell she's trying to make it sound casual, but there's a quiver in her voice that says otherwise. It's clear that there's a reason she's waited until her little brother and sister have left the room to move onto this topic of conversation.
He laughs. "For her?" he jokes lamely. "She's attractive and all, but I think that might be a little awkward."
Anna hits him. "For me, you idiot," she says. She pauses, putting the TV on mute, and then takes a deep breath. "And -- don't you think she has a point?"
Will doesn't say anything. It seems like everyone he knows is trying to set the two of them up, but this is the first time they've actually attempted to talk about it. It's not that he doesn't like her, because he does, a lot. He loves her, the same way he loves all of his best friends. And he definitely finds her attractive.
He's had a few girlfriends before, at school. The girls were pushed up to him by giggling groups of friends to ask him out, and he just blushed and said 'okay' because he didn't know what else to do. And then there followed a week or two of awkwardly holding hands in the playground while people gossiped about it, and then it was over.
It wasn't really like this, like Anna, one of his favourite people in the world, sitting here and implying that she wants him to be her boyfriend.
Maybe it'll be all right, though. Maybe this is how things are supposed to go. Maybe he's supposed to kiss her and she's supposed to kiss him back, and they're supposed to start dating. Maybe one day he'll marry her and they'll have children. And it'll all be fine, because they're best friends, and they love each other.
When he turns around and kisses her, their teeth clack because she's caught off guard, but after a moment they figure things out, and then it's really rather nice actually. She sort of sighs and presses against him, and that's when her Mum walks in.
After what feels like about an hour of discussion with Anna's overjoyed parents about 'where this relationship is going' and 'what they should tell the press', Will decides this is really not going to be all right after all.
"I'm sorry," he says, standing on her doorstep later. "It just isn't. I mean. We're not -- you know?"
She nods, laughs a little awkwardly. "Yeah," she says. "I know."
She leans against the doorframe in the following silence, and Will inspects the ground.
"It's a shame we had to go through all of that to figure that out," she says after a moment, and they laugh, but things still don't feel quite right.
"Still friends, though?" he says, hopefully.
"'Course. Always."
He holds out his hand, but she goes in to hug him, and his arm gets squished against her stomach. Both blushing and stammering apologies, they say goodbye, and Will stumbles down the driveway feeling ridiculous.
It's pretty bad for a while. They don't really stay in touch when Will goes back to Gloucestershire. He gets the impression that her parents are mad at him, like they think he broke her heart, which is ridiculous. But when all the promotion for the movie starts up, things get better. They're sort of forced to spend time together, after all, and after a while the awkwardness subsides and they manage to get over it, acting like nothing ever happened.
It bothers Will that they had to go through that. He knows, now, that he never liked her in that way, and he's quite sure she would agree. It was the pressure, probably, and the worst part of it is that the pressure follows them around, in the form of questions in interviews and suggestions from fans, and there are really only so many times one can say 'we're like brother and sister'. It's okay, of course, because they still love each other and she's still one of his best friends, but that kiss -- that kiss fractured something.
He just wishes they could have realised that they weren't meant to be a couple without having to 'try it and see', even if it did only last an evening. That one evening really wasn't worth losing her for two whole months.
2. Tilda
He's never really quite worked out how he feels about Tilda. He's kind of in awe of her, and he knows a lot of people feel the same way. He's sort of accepted that this is just the effect that she has on people, even though it makes him feel a bit confused and uncomfortable.
Like when she holds his hand at the British Independent Film Awards.
She just reaches out and laces her fingers through his like it's the most casual gesture in the world, holding his hand tightly as they walk down the red carpet. His first thoughts, actually, are of headlines and rumours -- imagine if he and Anna did this! -- but then he feels her wedding ring pressing into his finger and he relaxes.
She asks him if he's okay, afterwards. He's never really enjoyed these things -- though they're not as bad as interviews -- and he'd told her so beforehand. He shrugs, mumbles something about being glad it's over, and she places her hands on his waist. He grins nervously as she pulls him into a hug, arms around his neck, and he wraps his arms around her too, dimly aware of the flashing cameras still nearby and hoping -- though he's not sure why -- that they're not catching this.
"Would you like to come back to my hotel room, later?" she asks him when they part, her voice so low and the words so suggestive that Will almost chokes. She laughs. "For a cup of tea!" she adds, grinning at him. "Honestly. Boys -- only one thing on their minds."
They sip tea in her hotel room later, talking a little awkwardly about their only real common ground. He tells her how incredible it was to work with such an amazing actress in his first proper film, and she laughs at him.
"Oh, you are sweet," she smiles, shaking her head. "But really, William. I'm not an actress. I'm just a person who occasionally gets asked to be in films."
He talks a bit more, babbling really. He has no idea what he's even saying, because all he can think about is the fact that they're alone in a hotel room together, sitting on a bed. Maybe she was right about him only having one thing on his mind. After a while he becomes aware that she's hardly even reacting to his words, anyway, and he says her name, twice before she answers.
"I'm sorry," she says, and sighs, putting down her teacup. She runs her fingers back through her bleach-blonde hair. "I wasn't listening to a word you were saying."
He's too shocked by her bluntness to reply, and she kicks off her silver shoes and turns around on the bed to face him. She brings her hands up to her face as though praying, palms touching, the sides of her fingertips resting against her mouth. She takes a deep breath and Will starts to feel quite nervous.
"I was thinking about kissing you," she says.
Will blinks at her. He puts his teacup down on the floor. "You probably shouldn't," is all he says.
She nods solemnly, thoughtful. A few seconds pass. "Would it be all right if I did anyway?" she asks finally.
Will doesn't answer with words. Instead, he just lunges forward, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his lips to hers as if he's done it a hundred times before. He doesn't even know why, maybe just because she's so amazing, and knowing that she's thinking of him that way has made his brain stop working.
She seems a little bit stunned for a moment, but then begins to kiss back.
At least until her mobile rings.
She pulls back and answers it, and it doesn't take him long to realise she's speaking to her husband. He goes and stands around in the bathroom, trying not to listen in to their conversation, but he overhears her speaking to her children, and that's when he starts to feel kind of ill.
"Um," he says when he comes back in after hearing her say goodbye. "That was..."
"A mistake?" she offers, smiling at him. "We never speak of it again."
He nods, wishing he could be as cool about this as she is.
"You can go, if you like," she says, and he does. Gladly.
They never really talk much after that.
3. Ben
When Will meets Ben, he falls harder for him than he has for anyone in his whole life, and it confuses the hell out of him. He doesn't even understand right away, all he knows is that when Ben's around he can't stop talking, and he gets all shaky and clumsy and, well, throws orange juice everywhere. And Ben doesn't even seem to mind, it's like he finds it charming (well, not the orange juice bit -- he was pretty pissed off about that) and he's all smiles and jokes and casual touches until Will thinks he's really going to lose his mind.
One day, hanging around on set, Anna mentions to Ben that she knows a girl he might like. She talks about her for a while, saying the things the two of them have in common, and offers to set them up.
Ben laughs, sweetly. "She sounds nice," he says, "but, actually, I'm gay."
Anna's surprised and embarrassed, and Will watches the two of them exchange rather awkward apologies before Anna excuses herself. Will picks at the grass, heart thudding in his chest.
"You okay, Will?" Ben asks, and Will nods, laughing a little too high, and leaves.
Ben follows him, finds him in his trailer, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
"Really, are you okay?" Ben asks gently, sitting next to him and rubbing his back.
Will jerks at the touch, and then laughs at himself. "Yeah," he says, slightly shakily, and looks up.
Ben is leaning in.
When their lips meet, Will thinks, oh.
When they part again, he says it out loud.
"What?" Ben says, puzzled.
"I think I might be gay as well," he says, and that's when it really hits him, once he says it out loud. Ben just grins at him, wide and open and understanding, and kisses him again.
"Is it all making sense now?" Ben whispers against his neck as they settle down on the bed, Will underneath him.
"You have no idea," Will chuckles, shaking his head.
Ben just says, "I think I do," and Will wraps his arms around him tightly, holding him close.
It continues for quite a long time. It never gets particularly serious -- just slipping off to each other's trailers at first, then into each other's hotel rooms. Ben seems so perfect. A bit of a tease, sometimes a little detached when they're around everyone else, but otherwise perfect. Will is falling harder by the day, oblivious to almost everything else.
Almost.
Skandar is acting weird, ignoring him half the time and being glued to his side the rest of the time. Anna says he's just jealous that Will's spending more time with Ben than him, and Will accepts this, too wrapped up in Ben to give it much more thought. It explains, as well, why Skandar is avoiding Ben, too, which in turn explains why Ben seems not to like him so much.
He tries to put in some effort, invite Skandar round more, but Skandar always just shrugs and avoids eye contact, saying he's got too much revision to do.
Maybe they're just drifting apart. It's hard to concentrate on that, though, with everything else that's going on. They don't see each other much throughout the promotion of Prince Caspian anyway, as Skandar goes home for his exams, and Will is travelling the world with Ben.
It's after the filming of their TRL appearance that Ben puts a stop to it. He's been quiet and moody with him for a few weeks now, so Will can't say he's surprised, but he's still pretty sure it breaks his heart.
"You're making it too obvious," Ben hisses, running a hand back through his hair. "Jesus, Will. You don't want the whole world to know, do you?"
"I don't want to stay closeted for the rest of my life, either," Will snaps back, because for the moment, anger is the easiest reaction to have. "I wasn't trying to out you --"
"I know," Ben interrupts, and his voice is softer, more sympathetic. "I know. And I know you'd never do anything on purpose, but if we keep going with this, one day you're going to slip up."
Will reels, speechless.
"I think you know what I'm saying," Ben says quietly. He reaches to stroke Will's cheek, and Will ducks out of the way.
It ruins things between the two of them forever.
4. James
They're not really close, but they bump into each other in Covent Garden in late August, just after Will's moved to London, and they decide to go out for a drink.
Will's still getting over Ben, and it's pretty bad, but he focuses on the fact that things between the two of them were never perfect, and he remembers the worse times and the arguments they had, and sometimes it makes him feel better.
Another thing that makes him feel better is alcohol, and after two beers in one of his favourite pubs, sitting and chatting with James like no time has passed at all since they last met up, he's starting to feel really, really good.
The conversation turns serious, a little unexpectedly, as it gets later and the pub starts to empty out.
"I'm having some problems with Anne-Marie," James confesses, looking down at the table, picking at the label on his beer bottle. "We've always been good at not letting our work get in the way of our relationship, but -- well, lately there's been a strain."
Will nods, sympathetic, listening carefully and letting James know he can talk about it if he wants. And he does, at length, and Will's a little taken aback. He almost feels uncomfortable, but the alcohol is making it easier to accept, and he offers advice as best as he can until James seems to cheer up a little.
"Really, though, don't know why I'm telling you all this," he laughs, sniffing slightly, shaking his head. "Didn't mean to treat you like a therapist. You probably don't want to hear about some old man's marriage problems."
"Oh, please," says Will, rolling his eyes. "An old man? That's ridiculous. And I don't mind. I'm flattered that you felt you could open up."
James shrugs it off, looking embarrassed. "Now, enough about me," he says, chuckling, "what's going on with your love life?"
It's got to be the beer, because if he were sober, he wouldn't even consider telling him about Ben. But he isn't, and he does -- in detail. And he knows there's a good chance he's going to regret it later, but the words keep coming out of his mouth, spilling from him and leaving him feeling -- at least for the time being -- so relieved he can hardly believe it.
"You've not told anyone about this, have you?" James asks after a while, regarding him curiously.
Will shakes his head. "Is it obvious?" he asks, laughing.
James nods. "You could say that," he grins. "So...why me?"
"I don't know," Will admits. "I guess...you made me feel like I could."
And it's true. It's James's openness, his willingness to share, the understanding look in his eyes. As well as the alcohol, but he doesn't mention that. There are many things the alcohol is doing to him, most of which are best left unexplained. One, in particular, is making him wonder what it would be like to kiss James right now. That can be blamed on the alcohol, he's sure, because before now it hasn't been something he's ever really considered (except when he saw The Last King of Scotland back in January, with a girl he'd been sort-of-maybe dating, and found himself paying a little too much attention to any scenes where James was lacking clothing).
"It's getting a bit crowded in here," says James, and Will looks around and sees that it's the emptiest it's been since they came in, but he agrees anyway, and they leave.
They're in an alleyway before Will even knows what's happening, and he has his back against a brick wall in the late, dark heat. And James is in front of him, leaning in.
"Are you gay, Will?" James asks in a low rumble, and Will's heart thuds faster in his chest.
"Yeah, I -- yeah, I am," he hears himself saying, his voice high and nervous. It's the first time he's said that out loud, and been so sure.
Their lips meet for a brief, soft moment, and a thought flickers into Will's mind, but he doesn't have a chance to pay it any attention because in seconds James is against him, kissing him almost fiercely, pushing his tongue between his lips. His stubble rubs against Will's chin and then the thought is back, bursting on like a lightbulb in his head, and suddenly Will is thinking no, no, no and he holds James back, mouth aching, chest heaving.
"James, I--" he attempts, but James is pacing the alley now, fidgeting and anxious.
"Oh god," he mutters. "Oh, God. Fuck. I've got to -- I've got to break it off with her, haven't I?" He raises his voice a little. "I've got to -- I've got to end it. I can't keep -- keep lying."
"With -- what? No, not -- not because of me--" Will stammers desperately.
"She doesn't need to know about you," James assures him, seeming a little bit calmer now, but he's still sweaty and drunk and Will can see panic in his eyes. "But William, there are -- there are some things she's got to know."
This is the kiss that breaks up a marriage, and Will will regret that forever, even though he knows that if it hadn't been him it would have been some other guy, and for James, these were things that needed to happen. But there's a selfish part of him that will always be glad of it, because those few seconds with James were what made him realise he was kissing the wrong person.
5. Skandar
He turns up at Skandar's door the day before Skandar and Georgie leave to start filming for Voyage Of The Dawn Treader. It's not the best timing in the world, but it's taken him this long to sort everything out in his head, so that's just the way it has to happen. He stands there on Skandar's doorstep with a pizza in one hand and a six-pack of Coke in the other, grinning like an idiot when Skandar opens the door.
"What are you doing here?"
"Just wanted to catch up," Will says, and hands him the Coke. "Can I come in?"
They go up into Skandar's room, and it's the neatest Will's ever seen it. The floor is completely clear except for two suitcases standing upright by the desk, and it seems like everything is spotless. It's a little disconcerting. Will honestly hasn't thought much about this. He's thought about the fact that he's not doing any more Narnia movies, of course, but he hasn't thought much about the fact that Skandar is, and for that to happen he's going to be away a lot of the time.
They sit on the floor, pizza box between them, and Skandar puts on some mindless TV.
"Were you going to say goodbye before you go?" Will asks before he can stop himself.
"What?"
"Never mind," Will says hurriedly. "Doesn't matter. I'm here now, so."
"Thought you'd be with Ben," Skandar says, shrugging.
Neither of them have actually opened the pizza box yet. It's clear already that this isn't going to be a casual conversation.
"I'm not -- we --"
"You broke up?"
"How did you know that we were--?" Will asks, a little stunned.
Skandar rolls his eyes, cracks open one of the cans of Coke. "Everybody knows, Will."
Will frowns. Maybe he shouldn't be surprised (after all, it always seemed like Anna knew, and Ben always did go on about how they needed to be more careful) but he is. And there's something about the tone of Skandar's voice, like he disapproves, that makes Will start having second thoughts.
"Well, we did, er, we broke up," he says.
"My condolences," says Skandar sarcastically, rolling his eyes again and then looking towards the TV, even though it's just playing adverts now.
They lapse into silence, and Will toys with one of the cans, turning it over and over in his hands. He thinks of all the people he's kissed since he met Skandar, the people he's slept with, shared things with. It's not just Anna and Tilda, not just Ben and James. He thinks of the girls he dated before he realised he was gay. The girls he dated after he realised he was gay, just to keep up appearances. The drunk boys he sucked off in seedy clubs after Ben had dumped him, missing the feel of a hard, male body against his own and not knowing where else to find it.
And maybe he's wanted Skandar all along, or maybe it's new. It's hard to tell, and maybe it doesn't matter.
All he knows is that everything until about a month ago felt wrong, just off, in a way he couldn't quite grasp. Even with Ben, with working through the acceptance of his sexuality, there was always something missing, something just out of reach that he never paid much attention to.
And now it makes sense and it's sorted out. And it's right here.
Unfortunately, it's sitting sipping a Coke and watching an advert for tampons, and utterly ignoring him.
"Skandar," says Will softly, sliding the pizza box aside so that he can shuffle a little closer across the floor.
"Hm?"
"I don't really know how to say this." The honesty is terrifying, absolutely fucking terrifying, and Skandar turns to him and looks at him with those big brown eyes and Will isn't sure if he's really cut out for telling the truth.
"Why did you never tell me that you're gay?" Skandar asks, almost interrupting really although Will has stopped speaking.
"I don't know," Will admits. Seems like he doesn't know a lot of things lately. "I never really told anyone."
"'cept Ben."
Skandar turns back to the TV again.
"I've been -- I've been pretty confused lately," Will says, putting down the Coke can with trembling hands, trying to stop himself fidgeting. Even his voice is shaking. "But I want -- I want--"
What he wants is to tell Skandar that he's sorry, he's sorry for disappearing on him and spending all that time with Ben. He wants to say I'm sorry I never told you anything and he wants Skandar to know that he means it. He wants Skandar to look at him and stop watching the damn TV, and he wants him to listen and to understand and to help him make sense of it all.
But most of all, he wants to kiss him, so he does, courage surging through him as he reaches out to turn Skandar's puzzled face towards his own. Their lips meet as the TV advertises some kind of mop to them in the background, and it's less of a big deal than Will thought it would be, and maybe that's the best thing about it.
That, and the fact that Skandar is kissing him back.
He's dropped his Coke in order to wrap his arms around Will, and it's pooling out onto the carpet, and the suitcases stand together in the corner of the room like nagging reminders in the back of Will's head.
It's only now that he realises the consequences of leaving this kiss until the very last minute.
Tomorrow, Skandar is going to leave for Mexico, and Will might not even see him at all for maybe six or seven months.
But he doesn't regret it, he thinks, pulling Skandar down onto the floor on top of him.
Won't ever.
Also dude, check out the mass of tags on this entry.
Title: four times william moseley regretted kissing his co-stars & one time he didn't
Author: likecharity
Pairings: Will/Anna, Will/Tilda, Will/Ben, Will/James, Will/Skandar
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Real person fiction.
Summary: See title!
A/N: This came out so completely different to how I originally intended it, back in like, February, or whenever the hell I got this idea. But I like it anyway. I hope you do too!
EDIT: I just realised there's no weird!Ben in this, and now I'm ashamed. In this fic, he's like, totally ordinary, and kind of a twat. WHAT HAVE I DONE. D:
1. Anna
People probably expected something to have happened between them during filming, but it never did. It happens after they finish filming and go home. They all still see each other, after a couple of weeks' break, and Will goes round to Anna's house for dinner every now and then.
It's after one of these times, when they're sitting in her living room watching a double-bill of Friends, that it happens.
"My Mum keeps saying you'd make the perfect boyfriend," Anna says. Will can tell she's trying to make it sound casual, but there's a quiver in her voice that says otherwise. It's clear that there's a reason she's waited until her little brother and sister have left the room to move onto this topic of conversation.
He laughs. "For her?" he jokes lamely. "She's attractive and all, but I think that might be a little awkward."
Anna hits him. "For me, you idiot," she says. She pauses, putting the TV on mute, and then takes a deep breath. "And -- don't you think she has a point?"
Will doesn't say anything. It seems like everyone he knows is trying to set the two of them up, but this is the first time they've actually attempted to talk about it. It's not that he doesn't like her, because he does, a lot. He loves her, the same way he loves all of his best friends. And he definitely finds her attractive.
He's had a few girlfriends before, at school. The girls were pushed up to him by giggling groups of friends to ask him out, and he just blushed and said 'okay' because he didn't know what else to do. And then there followed a week or two of awkwardly holding hands in the playground while people gossiped about it, and then it was over.
It wasn't really like this, like Anna, one of his favourite people in the world, sitting here and implying that she wants him to be her boyfriend.
Maybe it'll be all right, though. Maybe this is how things are supposed to go. Maybe he's supposed to kiss her and she's supposed to kiss him back, and they're supposed to start dating. Maybe one day he'll marry her and they'll have children. And it'll all be fine, because they're best friends, and they love each other.
When he turns around and kisses her, their teeth clack because she's caught off guard, but after a moment they figure things out, and then it's really rather nice actually. She sort of sighs and presses against him, and that's when her Mum walks in.
After what feels like about an hour of discussion with Anna's overjoyed parents about 'where this relationship is going' and 'what they should tell the press', Will decides this is really not going to be all right after all.
"I'm sorry," he says, standing on her doorstep later. "It just isn't. I mean. We're not -- you know?"
She nods, laughs a little awkwardly. "Yeah," she says. "I know."
She leans against the doorframe in the following silence, and Will inspects the ground.
"It's a shame we had to go through all of that to figure that out," she says after a moment, and they laugh, but things still don't feel quite right.
"Still friends, though?" he says, hopefully.
"'Course. Always."
He holds out his hand, but she goes in to hug him, and his arm gets squished against her stomach. Both blushing and stammering apologies, they say goodbye, and Will stumbles down the driveway feeling ridiculous.
It's pretty bad for a while. They don't really stay in touch when Will goes back to Gloucestershire. He gets the impression that her parents are mad at him, like they think he broke her heart, which is ridiculous. But when all the promotion for the movie starts up, things get better. They're sort of forced to spend time together, after all, and after a while the awkwardness subsides and they manage to get over it, acting like nothing ever happened.
It bothers Will that they had to go through that. He knows, now, that he never liked her in that way, and he's quite sure she would agree. It was the pressure, probably, and the worst part of it is that the pressure follows them around, in the form of questions in interviews and suggestions from fans, and there are really only so many times one can say 'we're like brother and sister'. It's okay, of course, because they still love each other and she's still one of his best friends, but that kiss -- that kiss fractured something.
He just wishes they could have realised that they weren't meant to be a couple without having to 'try it and see', even if it did only last an evening. That one evening really wasn't worth losing her for two whole months.
2. Tilda
He's never really quite worked out how he feels about Tilda. He's kind of in awe of her, and he knows a lot of people feel the same way. He's sort of accepted that this is just the effect that she has on people, even though it makes him feel a bit confused and uncomfortable.
Like when she holds his hand at the British Independent Film Awards.
She just reaches out and laces her fingers through his like it's the most casual gesture in the world, holding his hand tightly as they walk down the red carpet. His first thoughts, actually, are of headlines and rumours -- imagine if he and Anna did this! -- but then he feels her wedding ring pressing into his finger and he relaxes.
She asks him if he's okay, afterwards. He's never really enjoyed these things -- though they're not as bad as interviews -- and he'd told her so beforehand. He shrugs, mumbles something about being glad it's over, and she places her hands on his waist. He grins nervously as she pulls him into a hug, arms around his neck, and he wraps his arms around her too, dimly aware of the flashing cameras still nearby and hoping -- though he's not sure why -- that they're not catching this.
"Would you like to come back to my hotel room, later?" she asks him when they part, her voice so low and the words so suggestive that Will almost chokes. She laughs. "For a cup of tea!" she adds, grinning at him. "Honestly. Boys -- only one thing on their minds."
They sip tea in her hotel room later, talking a little awkwardly about their only real common ground. He tells her how incredible it was to work with such an amazing actress in his first proper film, and she laughs at him.
"Oh, you are sweet," she smiles, shaking her head. "But really, William. I'm not an actress. I'm just a person who occasionally gets asked to be in films."
He talks a bit more, babbling really. He has no idea what he's even saying, because all he can think about is the fact that they're alone in a hotel room together, sitting on a bed. Maybe she was right about him only having one thing on his mind. After a while he becomes aware that she's hardly even reacting to his words, anyway, and he says her name, twice before she answers.
"I'm sorry," she says, and sighs, putting down her teacup. She runs her fingers back through her bleach-blonde hair. "I wasn't listening to a word you were saying."
He's too shocked by her bluntness to reply, and she kicks off her silver shoes and turns around on the bed to face him. She brings her hands up to her face as though praying, palms touching, the sides of her fingertips resting against her mouth. She takes a deep breath and Will starts to feel quite nervous.
"I was thinking about kissing you," she says.
Will blinks at her. He puts his teacup down on the floor. "You probably shouldn't," is all he says.
She nods solemnly, thoughtful. A few seconds pass. "Would it be all right if I did anyway?" she asks finally.
Will doesn't answer with words. Instead, he just lunges forward, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his lips to hers as if he's done it a hundred times before. He doesn't even know why, maybe just because she's so amazing, and knowing that she's thinking of him that way has made his brain stop working.
She seems a little bit stunned for a moment, but then begins to kiss back.
At least until her mobile rings.
She pulls back and answers it, and it doesn't take him long to realise she's speaking to her husband. He goes and stands around in the bathroom, trying not to listen in to their conversation, but he overhears her speaking to her children, and that's when he starts to feel kind of ill.
"Um," he says when he comes back in after hearing her say goodbye. "That was..."
"A mistake?" she offers, smiling at him. "We never speak of it again."
He nods, wishing he could be as cool about this as she is.
"You can go, if you like," she says, and he does. Gladly.
They never really talk much after that.
3. Ben
When Will meets Ben, he falls harder for him than he has for anyone in his whole life, and it confuses the hell out of him. He doesn't even understand right away, all he knows is that when Ben's around he can't stop talking, and he gets all shaky and clumsy and, well, throws orange juice everywhere. And Ben doesn't even seem to mind, it's like he finds it charming (well, not the orange juice bit -- he was pretty pissed off about that) and he's all smiles and jokes and casual touches until Will thinks he's really going to lose his mind.
One day, hanging around on set, Anna mentions to Ben that she knows a girl he might like. She talks about her for a while, saying the things the two of them have in common, and offers to set them up.
Ben laughs, sweetly. "She sounds nice," he says, "but, actually, I'm gay."
Anna's surprised and embarrassed, and Will watches the two of them exchange rather awkward apologies before Anna excuses herself. Will picks at the grass, heart thudding in his chest.
"You okay, Will?" Ben asks, and Will nods, laughing a little too high, and leaves.
Ben follows him, finds him in his trailer, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
"Really, are you okay?" Ben asks gently, sitting next to him and rubbing his back.
Will jerks at the touch, and then laughs at himself. "Yeah," he says, slightly shakily, and looks up.
Ben is leaning in.
When their lips meet, Will thinks, oh.
When they part again, he says it out loud.
"What?" Ben says, puzzled.
"I think I might be gay as well," he says, and that's when it really hits him, once he says it out loud. Ben just grins at him, wide and open and understanding, and kisses him again.
"Is it all making sense now?" Ben whispers against his neck as they settle down on the bed, Will underneath him.
"You have no idea," Will chuckles, shaking his head.
Ben just says, "I think I do," and Will wraps his arms around him tightly, holding him close.
It continues for quite a long time. It never gets particularly serious -- just slipping off to each other's trailers at first, then into each other's hotel rooms. Ben seems so perfect. A bit of a tease, sometimes a little detached when they're around everyone else, but otherwise perfect. Will is falling harder by the day, oblivious to almost everything else.
Almost.
Skandar is acting weird, ignoring him half the time and being glued to his side the rest of the time. Anna says he's just jealous that Will's spending more time with Ben than him, and Will accepts this, too wrapped up in Ben to give it much more thought. It explains, as well, why Skandar is avoiding Ben, too, which in turn explains why Ben seems not to like him so much.
He tries to put in some effort, invite Skandar round more, but Skandar always just shrugs and avoids eye contact, saying he's got too much revision to do.
Maybe they're just drifting apart. It's hard to concentrate on that, though, with everything else that's going on. They don't see each other much throughout the promotion of Prince Caspian anyway, as Skandar goes home for his exams, and Will is travelling the world with Ben.
It's after the filming of their TRL appearance that Ben puts a stop to it. He's been quiet and moody with him for a few weeks now, so Will can't say he's surprised, but he's still pretty sure it breaks his heart.
"You're making it too obvious," Ben hisses, running a hand back through his hair. "Jesus, Will. You don't want the whole world to know, do you?"
"I don't want to stay closeted for the rest of my life, either," Will snaps back, because for the moment, anger is the easiest reaction to have. "I wasn't trying to out you --"
"I know," Ben interrupts, and his voice is softer, more sympathetic. "I know. And I know you'd never do anything on purpose, but if we keep going with this, one day you're going to slip up."
Will reels, speechless.
"I think you know what I'm saying," Ben says quietly. He reaches to stroke Will's cheek, and Will ducks out of the way.
It ruins things between the two of them forever.
4. James
They're not really close, but they bump into each other in Covent Garden in late August, just after Will's moved to London, and they decide to go out for a drink.
Will's still getting over Ben, and it's pretty bad, but he focuses on the fact that things between the two of them were never perfect, and he remembers the worse times and the arguments they had, and sometimes it makes him feel better.
Another thing that makes him feel better is alcohol, and after two beers in one of his favourite pubs, sitting and chatting with James like no time has passed at all since they last met up, he's starting to feel really, really good.
The conversation turns serious, a little unexpectedly, as it gets later and the pub starts to empty out.
"I'm having some problems with Anne-Marie," James confesses, looking down at the table, picking at the label on his beer bottle. "We've always been good at not letting our work get in the way of our relationship, but -- well, lately there's been a strain."
Will nods, sympathetic, listening carefully and letting James know he can talk about it if he wants. And he does, at length, and Will's a little taken aback. He almost feels uncomfortable, but the alcohol is making it easier to accept, and he offers advice as best as he can until James seems to cheer up a little.
"Really, though, don't know why I'm telling you all this," he laughs, sniffing slightly, shaking his head. "Didn't mean to treat you like a therapist. You probably don't want to hear about some old man's marriage problems."
"Oh, please," says Will, rolling his eyes. "An old man? That's ridiculous. And I don't mind. I'm flattered that you felt you could open up."
James shrugs it off, looking embarrassed. "Now, enough about me," he says, chuckling, "what's going on with your love life?"
It's got to be the beer, because if he were sober, he wouldn't even consider telling him about Ben. But he isn't, and he does -- in detail. And he knows there's a good chance he's going to regret it later, but the words keep coming out of his mouth, spilling from him and leaving him feeling -- at least for the time being -- so relieved he can hardly believe it.
"You've not told anyone about this, have you?" James asks after a while, regarding him curiously.
Will shakes his head. "Is it obvious?" he asks, laughing.
James nods. "You could say that," he grins. "So...why me?"
"I don't know," Will admits. "I guess...you made me feel like I could."
And it's true. It's James's openness, his willingness to share, the understanding look in his eyes. As well as the alcohol, but he doesn't mention that. There are many things the alcohol is doing to him, most of which are best left unexplained. One, in particular, is making him wonder what it would be like to kiss James right now. That can be blamed on the alcohol, he's sure, because before now it hasn't been something he's ever really considered (except when he saw The Last King of Scotland back in January, with a girl he'd been sort-of-maybe dating, and found himself paying a little too much attention to any scenes where James was lacking clothing).
"It's getting a bit crowded in here," says James, and Will looks around and sees that it's the emptiest it's been since they came in, but he agrees anyway, and they leave.
They're in an alleyway before Will even knows what's happening, and he has his back against a brick wall in the late, dark heat. And James is in front of him, leaning in.
"Are you gay, Will?" James asks in a low rumble, and Will's heart thuds faster in his chest.
"Yeah, I -- yeah, I am," he hears himself saying, his voice high and nervous. It's the first time he's said that out loud, and been so sure.
Their lips meet for a brief, soft moment, and a thought flickers into Will's mind, but he doesn't have a chance to pay it any attention because in seconds James is against him, kissing him almost fiercely, pushing his tongue between his lips. His stubble rubs against Will's chin and then the thought is back, bursting on like a lightbulb in his head, and suddenly Will is thinking no, no, no and he holds James back, mouth aching, chest heaving.
"James, I--" he attempts, but James is pacing the alley now, fidgeting and anxious.
"Oh god," he mutters. "Oh, God. Fuck. I've got to -- I've got to break it off with her, haven't I?" He raises his voice a little. "I've got to -- I've got to end it. I can't keep -- keep lying."
"With -- what? No, not -- not because of me--" Will stammers desperately.
"She doesn't need to know about you," James assures him, seeming a little bit calmer now, but he's still sweaty and drunk and Will can see panic in his eyes. "But William, there are -- there are some things she's got to know."
This is the kiss that breaks up a marriage, and Will will regret that forever, even though he knows that if it hadn't been him it would have been some other guy, and for James, these were things that needed to happen. But there's a selfish part of him that will always be glad of it, because those few seconds with James were what made him realise he was kissing the wrong person.
5. Skandar
He turns up at Skandar's door the day before Skandar and Georgie leave to start filming for Voyage Of The Dawn Treader. It's not the best timing in the world, but it's taken him this long to sort everything out in his head, so that's just the way it has to happen. He stands there on Skandar's doorstep with a pizza in one hand and a six-pack of Coke in the other, grinning like an idiot when Skandar opens the door.
"What are you doing here?"
"Just wanted to catch up," Will says, and hands him the Coke. "Can I come in?"
They go up into Skandar's room, and it's the neatest Will's ever seen it. The floor is completely clear except for two suitcases standing upright by the desk, and it seems like everything is spotless. It's a little disconcerting. Will honestly hasn't thought much about this. He's thought about the fact that he's not doing any more Narnia movies, of course, but he hasn't thought much about the fact that Skandar is, and for that to happen he's going to be away a lot of the time.
They sit on the floor, pizza box between them, and Skandar puts on some mindless TV.
"Were you going to say goodbye before you go?" Will asks before he can stop himself.
"What?"
"Never mind," Will says hurriedly. "Doesn't matter. I'm here now, so."
"Thought you'd be with Ben," Skandar says, shrugging.
Neither of them have actually opened the pizza box yet. It's clear already that this isn't going to be a casual conversation.
"I'm not -- we --"
"You broke up?"
"How did you know that we were--?" Will asks, a little stunned.
Skandar rolls his eyes, cracks open one of the cans of Coke. "Everybody knows, Will."
Will frowns. Maybe he shouldn't be surprised (after all, it always seemed like Anna knew, and Ben always did go on about how they needed to be more careful) but he is. And there's something about the tone of Skandar's voice, like he disapproves, that makes Will start having second thoughts.
"Well, we did, er, we broke up," he says.
"My condolences," says Skandar sarcastically, rolling his eyes again and then looking towards the TV, even though it's just playing adverts now.
They lapse into silence, and Will toys with one of the cans, turning it over and over in his hands. He thinks of all the people he's kissed since he met Skandar, the people he's slept with, shared things with. It's not just Anna and Tilda, not just Ben and James. He thinks of the girls he dated before he realised he was gay. The girls he dated after he realised he was gay, just to keep up appearances. The drunk boys he sucked off in seedy clubs after Ben had dumped him, missing the feel of a hard, male body against his own and not knowing where else to find it.
And maybe he's wanted Skandar all along, or maybe it's new. It's hard to tell, and maybe it doesn't matter.
All he knows is that everything until about a month ago felt wrong, just off, in a way he couldn't quite grasp. Even with Ben, with working through the acceptance of his sexuality, there was always something missing, something just out of reach that he never paid much attention to.
And now it makes sense and it's sorted out. And it's right here.
Unfortunately, it's sitting sipping a Coke and watching an advert for tampons, and utterly ignoring him.
"Skandar," says Will softly, sliding the pizza box aside so that he can shuffle a little closer across the floor.
"Hm?"
"I don't really know how to say this." The honesty is terrifying, absolutely fucking terrifying, and Skandar turns to him and looks at him with those big brown eyes and Will isn't sure if he's really cut out for telling the truth.
"Why did you never tell me that you're gay?" Skandar asks, almost interrupting really although Will has stopped speaking.
"I don't know," Will admits. Seems like he doesn't know a lot of things lately. "I never really told anyone."
"'cept Ben."
Skandar turns back to the TV again.
"I've been -- I've been pretty confused lately," Will says, putting down the Coke can with trembling hands, trying to stop himself fidgeting. Even his voice is shaking. "But I want -- I want--"
What he wants is to tell Skandar that he's sorry, he's sorry for disappearing on him and spending all that time with Ben. He wants to say I'm sorry I never told you anything and he wants Skandar to know that he means it. He wants Skandar to look at him and stop watching the damn TV, and he wants him to listen and to understand and to help him make sense of it all.
But most of all, he wants to kiss him, so he does, courage surging through him as he reaches out to turn Skandar's puzzled face towards his own. Their lips meet as the TV advertises some kind of mop to them in the background, and it's less of a big deal than Will thought it would be, and maybe that's the best thing about it.
That, and the fact that Skandar is kissing him back.
He's dropped his Coke in order to wrap his arms around Will, and it's pooling out onto the carpet, and the suitcases stand together in the corner of the room like nagging reminders in the back of Will's head.
It's only now that he realises the consequences of leaving this kiss until the very last minute.
Tomorrow, Skandar is going to leave for Mexico, and Will might not even see him at all for maybe six or seven months.
But he doesn't regret it, he thinks, pulling Skandar down onto the floor on top of him.
Won't ever.