'Carousel'. Ry/Col Fic. Part Seven. B.
Title: Carousel
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: And here is the next part as well! :) A bit more exciting I hope! :P
MAKE SURE YOU READ PART A FIRST!! Or this will make less sense! :p
I could see why they toured this way. Despite the obvious reason, that Ryan wouldn't have to fly, it was also just a fun and relaxed way to spend time.
We'd been sat around the same table for hours, playing cards and catching up, discussing everything and joking and laughing together.
I had been debating over something with Greg, nothing important, Jeff and Ryan discussing something else that I hadn't picked up on, and our card game had been momentarily forgotten. Yet when Greg excused himself and disappeared down the bus to the bathroom, I turned and found Ryan watching me, Jeff having been distracted grabbing snacks from one of the cupboards.
Ryan stared at me for a long time, his expression unreadable, and I gave him a questioning look, smiling gently.
He nodded a little, as if that was a good enough response, before looking away, scratching the back of his neck in an almost nervous manner.
Just as I was about to say something, he stood up, quickly, his movements jolted and ungraceful and stepped away from the table.
"I'm beat. I'm going to bed." He said, and shoved his cards down, giving me one more quick glance before saying his goodnights, passing Greg in the narrow walkway, then disappearing into his bunk, pulling the curtain shut.
I followed his steps, staring down the bus to where he'd gone.
"He all right?" I asked the others, thinking to myself that he definitely wasn't. I didn't know whether to follow him or not, wondering whether I would just make things worse if I did.
Greg shrugged as he sat down, picking up his cards ready to continue with the game. Jeff didn't look too concerned either, more focused on trying to juggle his cards and the chips he had found.
"He does that sometimes." Greg said, by way of an explanation, sending a brief look down to the sleeping area.
"Especially recently. Got a lot on his mind, with the divorce and all." Jeff added absently, shrugging himself and picking up Ryan's cards, shuffling them into the pack.
My mind screeched to a halt and it took me a second to process his words.
"What? What divorce?" I grimaced as my voice squeaked but I was too shocked to do anything about it.
I hoped they weren't saying what I thought they were saying.
Greg and Jeff shared a look, finally turning their attention to me.
"He didn't tell you?" Jeff asked, confusion and surprise clear in his voice.
I couldn't reply, just shook my head.
"Ryan and Pat. They decided to separate. Months back now." Greg said calmly, adjusting his glasses and watching me closely for my reaction.
He didn't seem as surprised as Jeff did, but I still got the impression he had no idea I didn't know.
"What? Why?" To my dismay, my voice was still higher than it should have been, and I felt myself breathing too deep. I didn't want to hear what they were saying. Ryan couldn't get divorced; they were supposed to be happily married like Deb and myself.
I didn't want to think he wasn't any more, because that made me feel things that I should definitely not be feeling.
"He really didn't say anything?" Jeff asked rhetorically, in shock himself. "Things had been rocky for a while, then when Ryan..." He trailed off when Greg shot him a sharp look and I got the feeling that he had kicked him under the table.
"When Ryan what?"
They both looked at each other and I noticed the silent conversation as they debated what I should know.
"He didn't tell us not to say anything." Jeff muttered and Greg didn't look convinced but he shrugged and let Jeff continue. "He told her he'd cheated again."
I swallowed hard. Millions of emotions ran through me, settling on guilt, knowing I was who he had cheated with, along with a hint of curiosity and unwanted jealously as I wondered if he had cheated again recently.
"They both admitted it would be best if they separated. So they have. I can't believe he didn't tell you." Jeff said and part of me was equally surprised, but another part knew that we hadn't had much chance to catch up, especially over the state of our marriages.
"Why this time?" Ryan had cheated before, Pat knew about Greg and about that time with me in London, maybe about the other times, along with the two times with women right when they first got together.
It wasn't that he didn't love her, he'd always worshipped her, but he was young when they first got together, and he spent a lot of time away from her.
"It wasn't really about the cheating, they were having problems and he just confessed one day. She didn't leave him though; I think she still would've stayed with him." Greg didn't sound surprised or even pitying of her, and I knew that he realised how people got drawn to Ryan.
"But he didn't want to be with her." He paused and looked at me. "Not really, not any more."
He gave me a look, but I chose to ignore the hidden statement behind his words.
"Maybe you should go check on him?" Jeff suggested.
I shot them both a panicked look, but they didn't pay attention, now carrying on with the card game as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said.
But it had. And the last thing I wanted to do right now was face Ryan.
My mind was reeling from the idea that Ryan was now separated and I didn't want to have to see him because I didn't know how I'd react.
Greg looked at me again, and I knew he was waiting for an excuse for why I couldn't check on Ryan, but I couldn't think of one I would want to tell him.
And part of me did want to see Ryan, to speak to him.
He'd disappeared so suddenly and to me it wasn't usual behaviour for him. I was still supposed to be his friend; I could support him in this couldn't I?
I wanted to say I could, but I knew my feelings were telling me otherwise.
-
I hesitated outside Ryan's bunk, the curtain drawn tightly shut. I could hear the muted sounds of the others down the bus and I wondered absently if he'd heard us.
"Hey Ry?" I called gently, my fingers toying with the end of the curtain but not pulling it back. My body protested to me crouching down so uncomfortably, but Ryan's bunk was the bottom one and I couldn't stand any other way.
Ryan pulled back the curtain and I wobbled at the movement but managed to stop myself from falling.
He was stretched out on his generously sized bunk bed, blanket over him, eyes wary and I think I might have woken him.
"Everything ok?" He asked me, looking at me oddly and I knew then that he hadn’t heard our conversation.
"That's what I came to ask you."
"Oh." Ryan said, and just stared at me, not offering anything else.
I was ready to say something, something caring and understanding but instead, I blurted out, "Why didn't you tell me you and Pat were divorcing?" cursing myself as soon as the words left my mouth. That wasn't how I wanted to approach this.
Ryan paused for a long moment, staring at me, and I wanted to backtrack but instead I stared back at him, a question in my eyes.
"Come here." Ryan said finally, pushing backwards so that there was a space next to him in the bunk. I looked at him strangely; eyebrow raised, but complied, lying on my side in a mirror position to him, balancing my head on my arm.
He leant over me to pull the curtain shut behind me, and I closed my eyes a moment too long as he did, breathing in the scent of him.
When he moved away again, I shook my head, bringing my thoughts back to the topic at hand. "You should have said something." I told him, pushing back so I was as far from him as possible in the confined space, my back to the curtain.
"When?" He asked, and it was a fair question because we really hadn't talked properly since we'd seen each other. But inside I still wanted to yell at him for not telling me sooner.
I changed my tone, trying to shake off my feelings and slip into caring mode. This was about him, after all. "Are you all right?" I asked him gently.
"Yeah I am." He replied, honestly, and I believed him.
He had obviously taken enough time to deal with it, because he didn't even hesitate in his answer.
"Why?" I asked him, and he knew without question what I meant. I wasn't asking about why he was okay, I just couldn't understand why he'd chosen to end a relationship that he'd been happy in for years.
"It was time. I love her, always have, but I wasn't in love with her any more. Not like..." he trailed off and then looked me straight in the eye, staring into me, and continued, "Not like I'm in love with you." He said.
My breath caught and I froze.
The words came out a whisper, gentle but full of feeling, spoken calmly as if he said them all the time. But his eyes were staring into me, filled with emotion, begging me to listen to him.
"What?" My voice cracked, once again higher than it usually was.
"You heard me." He said, and I had. I'd heard with shocking clarity, I knew exactly what he'd said, and I'd dreamt about hearing those words. I'd even wished for them, once or twice.
But now that he'd said them and they were out there, I just wanted him to take them back.
"No...No...No... Don't say this." I scrambled, trying to get out of the tight space that seemed to be closing in on me. Ryan grabbed my waist, pulling me back, and I tried to shrug him off but he gripped me tight. It didn't hurt, just firm pressure on my waist, making it even harder for me to manoeuvre out of the bed.
"Why not?" He asked, and I could feel his fingers on my waist, sparks shooting up from them through my body.
I couldn't breathe.
"Because you don't. You can't. You're not allowed to." I told him, babbling. I wasn't making any sense but then neither was this. He couldn't tell me he loved me.
"Not allowed?" He said and now he was amused, of all things, while I could feel my chest getting tight and my heartbeat racing.
"No. Why? Why now?" I repeated my question from before, wondering if this was even happening. I'd had this dream before, but it had been gentle and loving and easy. This was harsh reality, with wanting and complications and guilt.
"I couldn't do it any more." He said, honestly, his voice still quiet. "I couldn't pretend that I was happy with her, and I can't pretend that I'm happy that we're like this. And I can't let you disappear again and pretend that I don't care that I never see you."
I wanted to shout at him, to say that he shouldn't have done this. That he can't expect me to drop everything in my life just for him, and that he shouldn't have left his wife.
I wanted to scream and yell and tell him that he shouldn't have said anything and that he'd just screwed up any chance of us ever being like we were.
But instead of loosing my temper, I simply said, "What do you want me to say?” my voice a whisper, tired and confused.
He shrugged as best he could. "What do you want to say?" He said, still calm, as if he was asking me what I wanted for lunch, but there was a million emotions behind his eyes and I could see him begging me for an answer that would make him happy.
"How can I even respond to that?" I asked, and I realised that this is what is had come to; some twisted game of 'questions only' until one of us snapped and actually said what this all meant.
I broke first, not able to keep this inside any more. "Do you want me to say it back? And then what? I'm married Ryan! I have a son, you have children to think about and you're barely separated." I took a deep breath, stealing myself and then I said, "I can't love you."
He didn't respond, didn't say a word, just stared at me, his fingers still resting on my hip, less pressure now, just there, touching me.
He'd moved closer, and we were lying next to each other, bodies almost together but not quite, a thin sliver of air between us. I could feel him breathe against my cheek and I forced myself not to shudder.
Then he leaned in, before I had chance to react and kissed me. The kiss was soft, exploring and unlike any we had shared before. He ran his tongue along my lip, pressing closer to me.
Yet just as I moved to kiss him back, opening my mouth and letting my tongue touch his, he pulled back.
I kept my eyes closed when he pulled away. Willing myself to calm down. I took some deep breaths but my heart was still racing and all these feelings were fighting and swirling inside me.
I was torn between wanting to scream and wanting to cry and wanting to laugh and hug and kiss Ryan, but instead I did nothing. Just stopped still.
"You're not saying you don't love me. Tell me you don't. And I won't mention it again." He told me, his voice low and husky and his lips still so close to mine.
I opened my eyes and tried my hardest to glare at him. "You know I can't."
"Do I?" He looked at me questioningly and for a moment and I wondered if he really didn't know. But I didn't want to say it. Because once I said it, I'd never be able to take it back.
He wasn't going to let up though, wasn't going to give in once again.
When I finally spoke, my tone was harsh, and if I could, I'd probably be shouting, but I hissed it out in a whisper instead. "I love you, okay? I'm in love with you. Always have been." I sighed. "Are you happy now?" I asked him, knowing he couldn’t possibly be.
Ryan paused briefly to take words in, blinking a second too long when he heard them, but he knew that it didn't make things okay.
"I know you thought you could just make these feelings go away." He said, grabbing my hands to stop them from shaking. "So did I, Col. But it's been thirty fucking years and they don't seem to be going away any time soon."
Thirty years. It was a lifetime. My anger got lost somewhere and I whispered, "All that time?" because it was too long for someone to hide their feelings.
But I hadn't needed to ask, I knew it was true and I knew I’d loved him before.
I'd been kidding myself, we both had. I'd pretended that it hadn't been until that last night that I felt anything except friendship and some comfort when alone, but that wasn't the case and I knew it.
"Yes all that time. And I'm tired of this." He let out a deep breath that I didn't realise he'd been holding and looked in my eyes. "Tired of half touches and nights that don't last long enough and I'm tired of not being able to see you. I miss you."
I sighed, my anger dissipating completely at the lost tone in his voice. "I miss you too." I allowed myself to say and then panicked as I realised I'd let my guard down. He knew me well enough to know that I wasn't giving in that easy though.
"But?" He said, pressing me to break his heart like he knew I would.
"But what do you want Ry? I won't cheat on Deb again and I can't leave her. This can't go anywhere." My voice was no longer angry, I was no longer angry. Just tired of this.
"I left Pat." He told me, and it wasn't fair of him to say because I'd not asked him to leave his wife. I did the opposite, trying to help, trying to leave him so that he could live his life with her without me there to complicate things. But he'd ended it on his own instead.
"And you shouldn't have. You were married, had been for so long. You love each other and you're married and that means something and you can't just throw it away because of some wish that you've had for years, some stupid feelings that are too strong to ignore, a handful of nights..."
I trailed off in my rant, thinking about Deb and Ryan and Pat and he knew because he asked, "Are we still talking about me?" and I hated him in that second for knowing me too well.
I glared at him again and we didn't speak for a long moment.
"Col..." He said finally, his fingertips now tracing patterns on my hip, his eyes staring into me. I suddenly needed to get away from him, from this.
He was entirely too tempting and I felt my self-control slipping away slowly as I struggled to think up reasons why I shouldn't do everything I could do to be with the man in front of me.
"I can't... I need to think." I scrambled out of the bunk, half-falling, and stumbled to my own bed. The bus was too small for this and I felt claustrophobic.
I lay in the bed I'd been given, pulling the curtain shut roughly and collapsing on my chest.
I closed my eyes and tried my hardest not to picture Ryan, but I couldn’t stop myself going over the scene in my head a thousand times, before I finally drifted into a restless sleep, finally realising there was no way things could continue on the way they were.
-
And now I will stop spamming all those on my friends list who are also on Wliia Love! :p
Rating: 17+
Paring: Ry/Col. (Hints of Greg/Jeff and slightly mentions of Greg/Ryan but neither main focus.)
A/N: And here is the next part as well! :) A bit more exciting I hope! :P
MAKE SURE YOU READ PART A FIRST!! Or this will make less sense! :p
I could see why they toured this way. Despite the obvious reason, that Ryan wouldn't have to fly, it was also just a fun and relaxed way to spend time.
We'd been sat around the same table for hours, playing cards and catching up, discussing everything and joking and laughing together.
I had been debating over something with Greg, nothing important, Jeff and Ryan discussing something else that I hadn't picked up on, and our card game had been momentarily forgotten. Yet when Greg excused himself and disappeared down the bus to the bathroom, I turned and found Ryan watching me, Jeff having been distracted grabbing snacks from one of the cupboards.
Ryan stared at me for a long time, his expression unreadable, and I gave him a questioning look, smiling gently.
He nodded a little, as if that was a good enough response, before looking away, scratching the back of his neck in an almost nervous manner.
Just as I was about to say something, he stood up, quickly, his movements jolted and ungraceful and stepped away from the table.
"I'm beat. I'm going to bed." He said, and shoved his cards down, giving me one more quick glance before saying his goodnights, passing Greg in the narrow walkway, then disappearing into his bunk, pulling the curtain shut.
I followed his steps, staring down the bus to where he'd gone.
"He all right?" I asked the others, thinking to myself that he definitely wasn't. I didn't know whether to follow him or not, wondering whether I would just make things worse if I did.
Greg shrugged as he sat down, picking up his cards ready to continue with the game. Jeff didn't look too concerned either, more focused on trying to juggle his cards and the chips he had found.
"He does that sometimes." Greg said, by way of an explanation, sending a brief look down to the sleeping area.
"Especially recently. Got a lot on his mind, with the divorce and all." Jeff added absently, shrugging himself and picking up Ryan's cards, shuffling them into the pack.
My mind screeched to a halt and it took me a second to process his words.
"What? What divorce?" I grimaced as my voice squeaked but I was too shocked to do anything about it.
I hoped they weren't saying what I thought they were saying.
Greg and Jeff shared a look, finally turning their attention to me.
"He didn't tell you?" Jeff asked, confusion and surprise clear in his voice.
I couldn't reply, just shook my head.
"Ryan and Pat. They decided to separate. Months back now." Greg said calmly, adjusting his glasses and watching me closely for my reaction.
He didn't seem as surprised as Jeff did, but I still got the impression he had no idea I didn't know.
"What? Why?" To my dismay, my voice was still higher than it should have been, and I felt myself breathing too deep. I didn't want to hear what they were saying. Ryan couldn't get divorced; they were supposed to be happily married like Deb and myself.
I didn't want to think he wasn't any more, because that made me feel things that I should definitely not be feeling.
"He really didn't say anything?" Jeff asked rhetorically, in shock himself. "Things had been rocky for a while, then when Ryan..." He trailed off when Greg shot him a sharp look and I got the feeling that he had kicked him under the table.
"When Ryan what?"
They both looked at each other and I noticed the silent conversation as they debated what I should know.
"He didn't tell us not to say anything." Jeff muttered and Greg didn't look convinced but he shrugged and let Jeff continue. "He told her he'd cheated again."
I swallowed hard. Millions of emotions ran through me, settling on guilt, knowing I was who he had cheated with, along with a hint of curiosity and unwanted jealously as I wondered if he had cheated again recently.
"They both admitted it would be best if they separated. So they have. I can't believe he didn't tell you." Jeff said and part of me was equally surprised, but another part knew that we hadn't had much chance to catch up, especially over the state of our marriages.
"Why this time?" Ryan had cheated before, Pat knew about Greg and about that time with me in London, maybe about the other times, along with the two times with women right when they first got together.
It wasn't that he didn't love her, he'd always worshipped her, but he was young when they first got together, and he spent a lot of time away from her.
"It wasn't really about the cheating, they were having problems and he just confessed one day. She didn't leave him though; I think she still would've stayed with him." Greg didn't sound surprised or even pitying of her, and I knew that he realised how people got drawn to Ryan.
"But he didn't want to be with her." He paused and looked at me. "Not really, not any more."
He gave me a look, but I chose to ignore the hidden statement behind his words.
"Maybe you should go check on him?" Jeff suggested.
I shot them both a panicked look, but they didn't pay attention, now carrying on with the card game as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said.
But it had. And the last thing I wanted to do right now was face Ryan.
My mind was reeling from the idea that Ryan was now separated and I didn't want to have to see him because I didn't know how I'd react.
Greg looked at me again, and I knew he was waiting for an excuse for why I couldn't check on Ryan, but I couldn't think of one I would want to tell him.
And part of me did want to see Ryan, to speak to him.
He'd disappeared so suddenly and to me it wasn't usual behaviour for him. I was still supposed to be his friend; I could support him in this couldn't I?
I wanted to say I could, but I knew my feelings were telling me otherwise.
-
I hesitated outside Ryan's bunk, the curtain drawn tightly shut. I could hear the muted sounds of the others down the bus and I wondered absently if he'd heard us.
"Hey Ry?" I called gently, my fingers toying with the end of the curtain but not pulling it back. My body protested to me crouching down so uncomfortably, but Ryan's bunk was the bottom one and I couldn't stand any other way.
Ryan pulled back the curtain and I wobbled at the movement but managed to stop myself from falling.
He was stretched out on his generously sized bunk bed, blanket over him, eyes wary and I think I might have woken him.
"Everything ok?" He asked me, looking at me oddly and I knew then that he hadn’t heard our conversation.
"That's what I came to ask you."
"Oh." Ryan said, and just stared at me, not offering anything else.
I was ready to say something, something caring and understanding but instead, I blurted out, "Why didn't you tell me you and Pat were divorcing?" cursing myself as soon as the words left my mouth. That wasn't how I wanted to approach this.
Ryan paused for a long moment, staring at me, and I wanted to backtrack but instead I stared back at him, a question in my eyes.
"Come here." Ryan said finally, pushing backwards so that there was a space next to him in the bunk. I looked at him strangely; eyebrow raised, but complied, lying on my side in a mirror position to him, balancing my head on my arm.
He leant over me to pull the curtain shut behind me, and I closed my eyes a moment too long as he did, breathing in the scent of him.
When he moved away again, I shook my head, bringing my thoughts back to the topic at hand. "You should have said something." I told him, pushing back so I was as far from him as possible in the confined space, my back to the curtain.
"When?" He asked, and it was a fair question because we really hadn't talked properly since we'd seen each other. But inside I still wanted to yell at him for not telling me sooner.
I changed my tone, trying to shake off my feelings and slip into caring mode. This was about him, after all. "Are you all right?" I asked him gently.
"Yeah I am." He replied, honestly, and I believed him.
He had obviously taken enough time to deal with it, because he didn't even hesitate in his answer.
"Why?" I asked him, and he knew without question what I meant. I wasn't asking about why he was okay, I just couldn't understand why he'd chosen to end a relationship that he'd been happy in for years.
"It was time. I love her, always have, but I wasn't in love with her any more. Not like..." he trailed off and then looked me straight in the eye, staring into me, and continued, "Not like I'm in love with you." He said.
My breath caught and I froze.
The words came out a whisper, gentle but full of feeling, spoken calmly as if he said them all the time. But his eyes were staring into me, filled with emotion, begging me to listen to him.
"What?" My voice cracked, once again higher than it usually was.
"You heard me." He said, and I had. I'd heard with shocking clarity, I knew exactly what he'd said, and I'd dreamt about hearing those words. I'd even wished for them, once or twice.
But now that he'd said them and they were out there, I just wanted him to take them back.
"No...No...No... Don't say this." I scrambled, trying to get out of the tight space that seemed to be closing in on me. Ryan grabbed my waist, pulling me back, and I tried to shrug him off but he gripped me tight. It didn't hurt, just firm pressure on my waist, making it even harder for me to manoeuvre out of the bed.
"Why not?" He asked, and I could feel his fingers on my waist, sparks shooting up from them through my body.
I couldn't breathe.
"Because you don't. You can't. You're not allowed to." I told him, babbling. I wasn't making any sense but then neither was this. He couldn't tell me he loved me.
"Not allowed?" He said and now he was amused, of all things, while I could feel my chest getting tight and my heartbeat racing.
"No. Why? Why now?" I repeated my question from before, wondering if this was even happening. I'd had this dream before, but it had been gentle and loving and easy. This was harsh reality, with wanting and complications and guilt.
"I couldn't do it any more." He said, honestly, his voice still quiet. "I couldn't pretend that I was happy with her, and I can't pretend that I'm happy that we're like this. And I can't let you disappear again and pretend that I don't care that I never see you."
I wanted to shout at him, to say that he shouldn't have done this. That he can't expect me to drop everything in my life just for him, and that he shouldn't have left his wife.
I wanted to scream and yell and tell him that he shouldn't have said anything and that he'd just screwed up any chance of us ever being like we were.
But instead of loosing my temper, I simply said, "What do you want me to say?” my voice a whisper, tired and confused.
He shrugged as best he could. "What do you want to say?" He said, still calm, as if he was asking me what I wanted for lunch, but there was a million emotions behind his eyes and I could see him begging me for an answer that would make him happy.
"How can I even respond to that?" I asked, and I realised that this is what is had come to; some twisted game of 'questions only' until one of us snapped and actually said what this all meant.
I broke first, not able to keep this inside any more. "Do you want me to say it back? And then what? I'm married Ryan! I have a son, you have children to think about and you're barely separated." I took a deep breath, stealing myself and then I said, "I can't love you."
He didn't respond, didn't say a word, just stared at me, his fingers still resting on my hip, less pressure now, just there, touching me.
He'd moved closer, and we were lying next to each other, bodies almost together but not quite, a thin sliver of air between us. I could feel him breathe against my cheek and I forced myself not to shudder.
Then he leaned in, before I had chance to react and kissed me. The kiss was soft, exploring and unlike any we had shared before. He ran his tongue along my lip, pressing closer to me.
Yet just as I moved to kiss him back, opening my mouth and letting my tongue touch his, he pulled back.
I kept my eyes closed when he pulled away. Willing myself to calm down. I took some deep breaths but my heart was still racing and all these feelings were fighting and swirling inside me.
I was torn between wanting to scream and wanting to cry and wanting to laugh and hug and kiss Ryan, but instead I did nothing. Just stopped still.
"You're not saying you don't love me. Tell me you don't. And I won't mention it again." He told me, his voice low and husky and his lips still so close to mine.
I opened my eyes and tried my hardest to glare at him. "You know I can't."
"Do I?" He looked at me questioningly and for a moment and I wondered if he really didn't know. But I didn't want to say it. Because once I said it, I'd never be able to take it back.
He wasn't going to let up though, wasn't going to give in once again.
When I finally spoke, my tone was harsh, and if I could, I'd probably be shouting, but I hissed it out in a whisper instead. "I love you, okay? I'm in love with you. Always have been." I sighed. "Are you happy now?" I asked him, knowing he couldn’t possibly be.
Ryan paused briefly to take words in, blinking a second too long when he heard them, but he knew that it didn't make things okay.
"I know you thought you could just make these feelings go away." He said, grabbing my hands to stop them from shaking. "So did I, Col. But it's been thirty fucking years and they don't seem to be going away any time soon."
Thirty years. It was a lifetime. My anger got lost somewhere and I whispered, "All that time?" because it was too long for someone to hide their feelings.
But I hadn't needed to ask, I knew it was true and I knew I’d loved him before.
I'd been kidding myself, we both had. I'd pretended that it hadn't been until that last night that I felt anything except friendship and some comfort when alone, but that wasn't the case and I knew it.
"Yes all that time. And I'm tired of this." He let out a deep breath that I didn't realise he'd been holding and looked in my eyes. "Tired of half touches and nights that don't last long enough and I'm tired of not being able to see you. I miss you."
I sighed, my anger dissipating completely at the lost tone in his voice. "I miss you too." I allowed myself to say and then panicked as I realised I'd let my guard down. He knew me well enough to know that I wasn't giving in that easy though.
"But?" He said, pressing me to break his heart like he knew I would.
"But what do you want Ry? I won't cheat on Deb again and I can't leave her. This can't go anywhere." My voice was no longer angry, I was no longer angry. Just tired of this.
"I left Pat." He told me, and it wasn't fair of him to say because I'd not asked him to leave his wife. I did the opposite, trying to help, trying to leave him so that he could live his life with her without me there to complicate things. But he'd ended it on his own instead.
"And you shouldn't have. You were married, had been for so long. You love each other and you're married and that means something and you can't just throw it away because of some wish that you've had for years, some stupid feelings that are too strong to ignore, a handful of nights..."
I trailed off in my rant, thinking about Deb and Ryan and Pat and he knew because he asked, "Are we still talking about me?" and I hated him in that second for knowing me too well.
I glared at him again and we didn't speak for a long moment.
"Col..." He said finally, his fingertips now tracing patterns on my hip, his eyes staring into me. I suddenly needed to get away from him, from this.
He was entirely too tempting and I felt my self-control slipping away slowly as I struggled to think up reasons why I shouldn't do everything I could do to be with the man in front of me.
"I can't... I need to think." I scrambled out of the bunk, half-falling, and stumbled to my own bed. The bus was too small for this and I felt claustrophobic.
I lay in the bed I'd been given, pulling the curtain shut roughly and collapsing on my chest.
I closed my eyes and tried my hardest not to picture Ryan, but I couldn’t stop myself going over the scene in my head a thousand times, before I finally drifted into a restless sleep, finally realising there was no way things could continue on the way they were.
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And now I will stop spamming all those on my friends list who are also on Wliia Love! :p