Five Times Two - Part two
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Jensen was pale and trembling. His respiration was uneven, and he was having trouble focusing on the person in front of him. At any other time, he would have been able to recognize that a panic attack was imminent. Right now, his mind was empty, he felt nauseous, he was cold and on fire at the time. He felt like he was out of his body but yet still trapped and caged. He wanted to scream, to tear his lungs apart with a roar, but he also wanted to curl up somewhere, forgotten by everyone. He wanted to die, and he wanted Jared to wake up.
All of this is my fault, he thought almost distantly, except that his mind was screaming these words at him.
“Jensen, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but you’re starting to scare me.”
Jensen raised his bloodshot eyes towards Tom Welling walking his way down the hospital’s corridor. Michael Rosenbaum was standing right behind Tom, looking nervous as hell and a little ill. They were both watching Jensen like he was some sort of grenade on the verge of exploding. Maybe he was. Right now, though, he felt more like imploding.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m not the one lying in a hospital bed.” Jensen said at last. He was surprised by how rough his voice sounded. It was practically guttural, but Jensen's screams had only been on the inside.
His friends exchanged a worried look, and Tom took a tentative step towards him.
“Jen, we’re all worried about Jared, but you gotta…” Tom cut his words off abruptly when he saw something dangerous pass over the other man's face.
“No.” Jensen said savagely. “No, we are not all worried about Jared. Where is she?”
“Down at the cafeteria, I think,” Mike replied nervously. “Now, Jen, don’t do anything you’re gonna regret. I know how you feel, but…”
“You don’t know how I feel! Don’t fucking say that shit to me!”
“Hey!” Tom exclaimed and placed himself between Mike and Jensen, even if it was the last place he wanted to be. “Calm down, Mike and I haven’t done anything to Jared, and we’re just trying to help you both!”
“No, no, that’s okay, Jen, man… I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry.” Mike mumbled.
Jensen abruptly felt lightheaded; the room was starting to sway around him, and his earlier dizziness came back like a rocket. He vaguely heard both Mike and Tom calling his name in a panic and catching him before he hit the floor. All Jensen could see was the look of sheer terror in Jared’s eyes when Jensen had barged into his room earlier. In the end, he had managed to calm the young man down long enough for the doctor to administer a sedative. The only thing Jensen’s mind kept replaying was those big, wet hazel eyes looking at him with fear. Fear of Jensen.
If Jared didn’t hate Jensen, Jensen didn’t have any trouble doing it for him.
“Jen? Hey, Jensen? You’re ok? You want us to call a nurse?”
“No” He was glad his voice came out stronger than he felt. He had things to do, he couldn’t just lie down on a bed, and he wasn’t the one who got hurt, no matter what his heart was telling him. Jensen took a deep breath and looked straight at his friends’ faces.
“I’m sorry for snapping at you like that. I know it’s not your fault, and without you two, Jared would still be lying in his own blood back at the house… I’m sorry, you two shouldn’t have to deal with this shit…”
Tom and Mike looked both positively ill. Mike’s hand trembled slightly as it came to touch Jensen’s shoulder.
“You both are our friends, Jen. Friends are here for each other.”
A bitter smile appeared on Jensen’s face.
“It’s not your fault, man.”
“Of course it is.”
The three men didn’t say another word for a couple of minutes. Jensen knew that Mike and Tom were trying to figure out a way to ease the guilt that was eating him alive, but nothing they could say was going to change how he felt. Jared was broken, afraid of him, and unconscious. He had been beaten up so badly that his face was totally swollen. He had been left vulnerable, fragile and alone; bleeding on the floor of their home when only a day before they were both playing with the dogs on it. Their home - synonym of joy, warmth, and comfort - was now dark, red, and scary. Violated.
Jensen couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m going to call him,” Jensen finally said.
The two other men tensed at that. Tom didn’t look surprised at all, even giving him a look that seemed to say finally, and Mike chewed his lips but looked somewhat relieved.
“Good idea. It would be better if you let out some steam off before you spoke to your… to Danneel.” Mike finished awkwardly.
“Do you want us to stay?” Tom asked seriously.
“I’d rather you didn't.”
“Okay. Well, we’ll come find you if the doctor asks for you or if Jay wakes up again.”
“Thanks, I’ll be just outside, and Tom?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let her leave the hospital.”
The two men looked at the grim, hard expression on Jensen’s face. Tom swallowed.
“Okay.”
Jensen nodded and walked out of the hospital. It took all of his willpower not to look at Jared’s door as he passed it. Once he was outside, Jensen isolated himself in a quiet corner, right behind on of the big pillar of the supermarket public entrance. He snatched his phone out of his pocket and quickly entered the number. It rang four times before he heard the voice of Christian Kane in his ear, for the second time this night.
“Jensen?”
“Shut up.” Jensen said sharply.
A sharp breath resounded into his ear, but before Christian tried to talk again, Jensen cut him off.
“Don’t talk. Don’t say a damn word. You’re gonna shut up and listen. Listen to me, you son of bitch. I know what you did. I know you were with Steve, and probably those two sacks of shit Charles and Rick. You plotted the whole thing with that bitch. You came to my house, and you attacked Jared. You beat him so hard that his face is unrecognizable. You made him bleed. It was four against one, you disgusting bastard!”
Jensen’s voice rose at every word. His blood rushed through his veins and roared in his ears, turning his vision red. His free hand tightened into a fist and his nails dug painfully into his palm. Jensen would have given everything to have Christian in front of him right now. Perhaps the man knew that because he kept his mouth shut.
“I always knew you were a jealous little bitch, but my God! I would have never guessed that your insecurity ran so deep that you couldn’t stand the idea of Jared in my life! I guess at some point this is my fault, for mistaking you for a human being when you and your friends are nothing but bullies, filthy animals!”
“Wait a damn minute, Jensen…”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON’T GET TO TALK!”
“I’M NOT GONNA JUST STAND HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!” Chris roared back, “You thought no one was going to find out? Huh? You thought we would just wait around and do nothing while this little shit perverts you? We all knew he broke up with his girl because he wants to fuck you! And he's got you so fooled that you don’t even see how isolated you've become from your real friends! And then, Danneel told us about how you flew less and less to L.A. ! That you would rather stay in fucking Vancouver with him! You neglected your girl for that fag, and she was afraid you were going to break up with her! We were only watching out for you, Jensen!”
Jensen lowered the phone from his ear and just barely spotted a trash can before he threw up. He had nothing except bile and tears in his stomach, and when he was done he felt even sicker than before. He looked at the phone screen. Christian was still on the line. Jensen put the phone back to his ear and spoke with a low and gravelly voice, full of darkness and finality.
“We are through, Christian. You, Steve, Rick and Charles… if I ever see your faces again, you will live to regret it. If you ever come near me and Jared again, what you did to him tonight will be nothing compared to what I will do to you. And get this: you’re not safe. None of you are. Witnesses saw you leaving the house. We both know Jared won’t say anything to the cops, but I will never stop trying to get him to do it, you hear me? Never. If you try to contact any of my friends or pull another shitty move like this again, you will wish you were in jail. I’m warning you, stay away and pass the word to your buddies.”
Jensen hung up before Christian could say anything else. He stood there numbly for a couple of minutes, staring at the night sky. No moon and no stars. He blinked back the cold tears that started to gather in his eyes and walked back inside the hospital. He stopped by the cafeteria to get a drink of water and got rid of the taste of bile from his mouth. Once done, he left there and took the elevator to the floor where Jared’s room was. He went down the hallway and was about to check if the young man was awake when he heard Danneel speaking. He followed her voice to an empty and dark hospital room.
“What do you mean, you won’t try? Chris, don’t pussy out on me now, don’t do this to me! I never told you guys to half kill him and besides, it doesn’t matter, it’s done! Jensen is your friend; you know he didn’t mean what he said, come on! You can’t let him destroy his life with this… this…”
Something broke inside of Jensen’s head, leaving him feeling suddenly as if he had no control over his own body anymore. He marched into the room, towards the corner she was in, half hidden inside the empty room. Before she had the time to register was happening, he snatched the phone out of her hand and threw it against the wall with all of his strength. Danneel let out a small scream, turning wide, terrified eyes towards him.
They stared at each other for moment. Unlike with Christian, Jensen was momentarily at a loss for what to say to her. The depth of her betrayal was too great. He watched her swallow and look at him with wet eyes. She took a step forward and he took two steps back.
“Jensen… I… this isn’t what it looks like, okay?”
"No?” he replied coldly.
She looked even more scared and he didn’t care. He felt nothing.
“No. I… look, things weren’t supposed to go like this, I never meant for Jar…”
“Shut. Up.”
Her mouth clamped shut and she looked at him with shocked eyes, but Jensen could still see a hint of disapproval in them. And just like that, words that were bleeding out of his heart since he discovered her involvement in this whole mess, finally poured out of his mouth.
“How dare you stand here and tell me you didn’t mean for him to get hurt? How can you even say his name?”
Danneel’s face started to get red and her mouth pursed tight. But it was merely an attempt to keep her anger in check; Jensen saw that, just like he saw no trace of regret in her face.
“See that, right here? That is exactly why we had to do this,” she answered in a dark tone.
“You… what the hell…”
“You think I’m blind, Jensen? Or deaf? You think I haven’t notice the way he looks at you, anytime I’m at this fucking house you two call yours? You think I haven’t see the way you two are all 'domesticated ' in your 'shared bachelor life-style', acting like a couple?” She spat the last word as if it was the worse curse in the world. “You think I haven’t heard the way he says your name, seen the way he smiles at you, noticed the way he’s over Sandy so easily?”
“You bitch…”
“NO! Fuck you! You think you can stand here, all high and mighty, when you are basically the reason for this mess? I’m your girlfriend, you asshole! And you never have time for me anymore, all I hear every time I call is “Jared did this, Jared said that!” You cancel our dates to stay with him even when you two already spent 24 hours together! You… you let him touch you, hug you at all those conventions and interviews, when you don’t even hug your other friends in public! Hell, he even tried to kiss you, and you barely reacted!”
Danneel was shrieking now, and her breathing was loud. Her face was redder than ever, while her eyes blazed with indignation and humiliation as she listed all of Jensen's offenses.
“People are talking! They look and they notice, just like me, Chris, and Steve did. Jared is a fag, Jensen, and he clearly wants to fuck you, and you let him flirt with you all the damn time! What was I supposed to think? Do you know how hard it was for me? Everybody making comments during the parties, about how cute the two of you were, how great it was for two guys to be so close! Do you know how humiliating it was? To have people assume that your boyfriend is a deviant freak who is fucking his co-star? Everyone was starting to make fun of me! But that's not the worst! The worst was you, Jensen! The worst was watching him turning you into something that you’re not! Because I saw it, Jensen! I saw the way you touch him. I saw the way you worship him. Everyone saw it,” She paused, out of breath, gasping with rage and disgust, as she looked at him without remorse. “I had to do something about it.”
Jensen didn’t realize that Tom and Mike were now standing behind him, until his back roughly bumped into Tom’s torso. When did he take so many steps back? When did she advance on him? His mind whirled with all the things she said, all that hatred, that ugliness and jealousy he never thought her capable of. But something else was nagging him, something more important.
As he collided into Tom, his friend involuntarily dropped what he had in his hand. The set of car keys hit the floor amid a weird, sinister silence, and Jensen watched as Danneel’s eyes followed their fall. Suddenly, he felt like he had been brutally slapped.
“I had to do something.”
“You stole my keys,” he murmured breathlessly.
Danneel tensed, Mike looked confused, but Tom’s eyes widened and he paled as his mind came to the same realization Jensen's had.
“The cops said that there wasn’t any sign of a break-in on the house’s door… they said that Jared probably let the attackers in. But he didn’t have to, did he? They had my keys, didn’t they?”
“Jensen…”
“When I lost them in LA, you said you found them in your apartment… but instead you… you stole them! And you made a double set, didn’t you?”
“I…”
“AND YOU GAVE THEM TO KANE! YOU BITCH!”
Overpowered by anger, Jensen tried to launch himself at her, only to be restrained by Mike and Tom. His vision was red, his breathing erratic, and his heart was pounding at an alarming rate. All the betrayal, the entire trauma he went through these last few hours were slamming on him with an unforgiving strength. All he could think was why, why, why? For the third time this night, he felt himself drifting into a dark fog as the floor swayed under his feet.
“Jensen! Not again!”
Again, Tom caught him before he hit the floor, and Jensen could feel his friend’s hand trembling. Everything was so blurry, and loud and ugly…
“Jen, come on, don’t do this! Stay with us!”
No wonder Jared hated him, Jensen thought distantly, no wonder he was afraid of him, look at what Jensen had brought on him. And now, the sheer idea of confessing his feelings to the young man seemed shameful and left him disgusted with himself. Jesus, he had never wanted to feel bad about his love for Jared.
“Jensen, breathe!”
No, I don’t want to.
But it wasn’t about what he wanted. In fact, what he wanted was the exact reason why they all ended up here, but what now? It was done. Jensen knew that the least that he could do was to try and make things easier for Jared, starting by getting rid of all the people who had hurt him. He would make sure his best friend was safe again; he would do everything he could to help him forget that horrible night.
After everything, Jensen wasn’t sure that Jared would even want them to live under the same roof, but he had to try. He had to try to convince Jared to let Jensen take care of him. To let him show that what he was beaten for tonight, wasn’t and will never be the ugly, twisted and shameful thing Christian, Steve, and Danneel had described. It was just the two of them. Jared and Jensen. Nothing else mattered.
“Jensen, honey…” he heard Danneel say as she took a tentative step forward.
“Stay the hell back, Danneel!” Tom shot back harshly. His tone was so full of venom that Jensen‘s attention focused on him. He quickly realized, as Tom helped him stand up, that the man’s hands were trembling with anger. He also noticed that Mike was strangely silent, and didn’t even seem able to look at Danneel’s face.
“Where do you get off talking to me like that?” The woman said angrily.
“Don’t you realize that we can have you arrested for complicity in a hate crime?” Tom asked, his body practically exuding disgust as he looked down on her. Jensen watched as Danneel paled, like that thought had not occurred to her before. She turned to look at Jensen with pleading eyes. At that, the actor felt an unexpected, hysterical laugh building up in his throat and coldly coming out of his mouth.
“Of course she doesn’t! Try to understand, Tom, for people like her, bashing someone for having deviant sexual preferences is normal. It’s the right thing to do.” he said with a cruel and dark irony. As she opened her mouth to respond, Jensen cut her off. It was time to end this.
“You know what, Danneel? You’re a better actress than anyone gives you credit for. I mean, I never saw you coming. Sure, I was aware you were annoyed by the time I spent with Jared, and I knew you wanted me to be more committed in our… relationship. I even knew you expected me to make you my first priority… but I would have never guessed how much you and Christian actually have in common. You two are both twisted, homophobic, jealous bitches.”
The redhead came right in front of him, attempting to slap him, but Jensen anticipated the movement and caught her wrist in a vicious grip.
“You don’t get to touch me. And careful, or I might forget that you’re a woman.”
“Let go of me! How can you treat me like this? I’m your girlfriend!”
“IS THERE ANOTHER WAY TO TREAT YOU? AND YOU ARE NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU GET THAT? YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!” He roughly released her and she stumbled away, a heartbroken expression on her face that tangled with disbelief, like she hadn't ever considered that her actions would cause Jensen to break up with her.
“You… You can’t leave me, Jensen! Not for this!”
“Oh, really? Well, if it makes you feel better, this was a long time coming! Why do you think I decided to come to L.A. in the first place? All this time, I’ve been trying to find a way to end this relationship! I've known for months that you were no good for me!”
“NO! You’re lying! It’s because of him, isn’t it? He kept us apart for so long that you just forgot! You forgot you love me!”
Jensen vaguely registered the choked noise coming from behind him before he lost it:
“I NEVER LOVED YOU, Danneel! NEVER! BEING WITH YOU IS THE WORST MISTAKE I’VE EVER MADE, AND I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE! OUT OF MY SIGHT! NOW!”
“No! Jensen, please! Please! We only wanted to protect you! We were trying to help you! Please, I did this because I love you!”
“THEN, NOBODY SHOULD LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO!” Jensen screamed, his voice breaking on the last word. Finally, exhaustion, anger, disgust and hurt settled in his chest, instead of turning and churning his intestines. “Nobody should love me like that,” he murmured at last.
“What’s going on in here?”
The light flipped on, and Doctor Stendhal, Jared’s surgeon, stepped into the room with two nurses. The man didn’t seem very happy, while the two young women were sporting an uncomfortable air of curiosity. There was a brief silence before Mike answered, surprising the other occupants of the room.
“Sorry, Doc, we had an important issue to deal with and we got a little carried away. But we are done here now.”
His words were clipped, almost metallic-sounding, and held no room for argument. What surprised Jensen and Tom, was that - for the first time since all the confrontation began - Mike looked straight into Danneel’s eyes as he talked. Doctor Stendhal looked like he was considering whether to push the issue or not, but the tangible tension in the room dissuaded him. Instead, he said with severity:
“I’m glad to hear it. I would hate to have you all escorted out of the hospital, but we don’t want anything to disturb the tranquility of our patients.”
“Yes Sir.” Tom and Mike responded in tandem. Danneel remained silent.
The doctor turned to Jensen, and a worried frown appeared on his face.
“Jensen, you look awfully pale.”
Jensen shook his head and managed a pained smile.
“No, I’m fine.”
“Don’t try to lie to a doctor. I was looking for you, but maybe it would be best if you get some rest. You weren’t this pale two hours ago.”
“No, Doc, I… what do you mean, you were looking for me? Why?”
Doctor Stendhal smiled tiredly, indicating the door with a jerk of head.
“Looks like your altercation disturbed at least one patient. Jared is awake, and he's asking for you.”
With his heart in his throat, Jensen spared a glance to Tom and Mike, who nodded at him. Without wasting any more time, he followed the surgeon out of the room, never turning to look back.
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It was the second time Jared woke up and - like the first time - it was under highly unpleasant conditions. The pain he was still subject to wasn’t as striking as before, but felt more like a deep ache spread all over his body and on the left side of his face. He abruptly remembered the sedative the doctor had forced in his veins to stop his earlier panic attack, and closed his eyes in shame as flashes of his previous freak-out came to him. Now that he could remember everything, the tears he cried so freely earlier seemed like the worst thing that could happen now. Jared didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want to do anything that could prove he still felt something. How could all of this happen to him?
Eyes still closed, his attention snapped alert when he heard someone scream. No, more like… shouting. An unwelcome, dread feeling made its way through his guts, his breathing sped up, and he vaguely registered the sound of his heart monitor going wild. Someone was definitely angry, and he was near Jared. What if it was Christian, or Steve, or the two other men he didn’t know? What… what if they were coming to finish him?
Jared opened his mouth to call for help, but only managed a pitiful gasp. The movement accentuated the throbbing pain on the left side of his face. It felt like it was on fire. Clumsily, the young man patted the side of the bed and found the button to call the nurse. He needed help before one of the guys found him here, alone again, vulnerable again. He needed…
“Mr. Padalecki? I’m glad to see you awake.”
Jared opened his eyes, and if the doctor noticed the raw fear in them before the young man masked it, he didn’t comment on it.
“I don’t know if you remember me from the first time you regained consciousness? I’m…”
“Doctor Stendhal, yeah… I… I remember,” Jared murmured
“Good! That’s a very good thing, we were afraid that the concussion was more serious than we thought.”
“Mm… huh… I’m sorry about…”
“Mr. Padalecki,” the middle age man cut in with a stern but kind voice, “There is no reason for you to apologize for a panic attack, or in fact to be sorry about anything else. The fact that you woke up so fast just now was definitely a surprise, considering the level of your injuries, but regaining consciousness alone in a strange room, after the trauma you've been through, would set anyone on edge. You have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed.”
Jared felt his eyes well up and used all his strength to keep his tears at bay. With a hoarse voice, he simply replied:
“You can call me Jared.”
The other man smiled and nodded.
“Okay, well, Jared, I’m glad to see you’re in better condition now, even if your pulse is a little high…” The doctor commented while checking Jared’s vitals. “I’m sure Jensen will be thrilled to see you, eyes open this time.”
Jared’s pulse immediately sped up again, and Doctor Stendhal had the good sense to not comment on it.
“Wha… Jensen is still…? Can I… see him? Please, Doc, can I see Jensen?”
The doctor quickly checked something on Jared’s charts, and then made the mistake of looking Jared in the eyes, hit by the puppy dog look in full force. He seemed unfazed, instead his smile softened.
“I don’t see why not. I figured it would be the first thing you would want to do. Also, Jensen hasn't left the hospital since you were admitted.”
Jared blushed, but couldn’t stop the soft smile that graced his lips. Doctor Stendhal chuckled.
“I’ll go get him.”
“Thank you.”
Doctor Stendhal left the room, and while the door was opened, Jared heard the echo of the shouting match that had woken him up. He shuddered involuntarily, but his previous fear wasn’t so strong now that he knew Jensen would be here any second. At any other time, he would have felt shame at the idea of depending on an another man for his own safety. He hated being reduced to a shadow, unable to stop himself from jumping when a door closed too loudly, always trembling in fear of a surprise attack. He resented feeling helpless, like a little child who wanted and needed someone strong and confident to protect him. Anybody could see that this wasn’t like him at all.
To everyone else's eyes, Jared was the strong one, the protector, 6 foot 4 inches of power and force. A natural leader, bigger than life, and fiercely independent. And to a certain point, Jared was all of this; he loved projecting this image of himself, and always tried to make his entourage feel safe when they needed it. And if they loved him a little more for that, he didn’t mind that either.
Until he met Jensen Ackles. With Jensen, Jared quickly realized that what he wanted to be paled pathetically compared to what he needed to have.
Jared would never forget the look Jensen gave him the first time they met. Nobody, except maybe his parents a long time ago, ever looked at him like that, especially not at the first meeting. Usually, people were sizing him up; impressed by his height, or appreciative of his muscular frame. Some people were startled by how tall he was, before they got to know him and realized he was harmless.
Women loved the youth still visible in his face, but their desire to mother him was usually no match for the lust he provoked in them. Men practically always saw him as a challenge against their own masculinity, and the more Jared worked out, the worst it got. A lot of his friendships had ended because of that competitiveness. Even when the men realized that he wasn’t involved in some sort of weird male contest, a lot of them just weren’t comfortable around him. This was one of the reason Jared loved Chad. The guy was so smug and confident about what he called his “sexiness”, “awesomeness”, and “manly attributes” that no one made him feel threatened.
So, when Jared introduced himself to Jensen, the warm, comforting look Jensen gave him was completely unexpected. It confused the hell out of him.
At first, Jared thought the man was just trying to be friendly, but when Jared told Jensen that he was twenty two, had been in the business since he was seventeen and had left the safety of home and family for the somewhat cold city of L.A., Jared was stunned to see concern and protectiveness shining in Jensen’s eyes before the older man managed to mask it.
When the pilot got picked up and the first season was a sure thing, he and Jensen became close so fast that he felt like they knew each other for years instead of weeks. Moving to Canada, to Vancouver, had been the most exhilarating, terrifying thing he ever done. He loved Supernatural, Sam, Dean, the crew, and the fans so much, and he loved his job even more. But living in another country? Being so far apart from his family and Sandy, who, by the way, wasn’t thrilled with the idea of Jared in Canada and didn’t hide it? Jared had freaked out, and found out for the first time what an amazing friend he gained. Jensen had made him open up about his doubts and insecurities then erased them by his reassuring words and his indefatigable support. Jensen had made Jared felt safe, had slowed the world down when Jared felt like it was spinning too fast. He had made the young man felt warm and protected, had slipped a soothing hand through Jared’s hair and murmured promises he intended to keep.
No one had ever behaved like that with Jared before. For the first time since he was very young, Jared felt like he could lean on someone instead of being the supporting one. He felt like he had the right to need someone stronger to protect him. And he had loved it.
Come to think of it, he should have known that something so wonderful wasn’t going to last forever. But never in a million years, could Jared have imagined it ending this way, with him broken in a hospital bed.
The door of his room opened silently, and Jared tensed as Jensen stood in the frame, eyes fixed on him. They looked at each other for a minute before Jared’s gaze drifted sideways. The older man entered the room, closing the door behind him. He came to stand by Jared’s bedside but stayed silent. Jared was afraid to look at him again, afraid to see his worst fear confirmed on his best friend's face.
Christian had told Jared that Jensen wasn’t interested in him. Hell, he had beaten the fact into Jared. Christian had told him that if Jensen knew what Jared wanted from him, Jensen would be disgusted. Even if the young man knew for sure that Jensen wasn’t a homophobe, that didn’t mean he would be comfortable with Jared lusting after him. And Jared didn’t want anything jeopardizing their friendship. But maybe it was a little too late for that, considering that Jensen had given Christian keys to their home, when Jared thought it was something only the both of them should share. The silence prolonged itself and was on verge of becoming awkward when Jensen finally spoke.
“Jay. I’m glad to see you awake. You gave us a big scare earlier.”
The older man’s tone was soft, warm and concerned. But it held something more; something that Jared had trouble recognizing. Unsure of what to say, he nodded, still unable to look at his best friend's face.
“I guess you remember what happened to you, at the house?” Jensen stated more than asked, and Jared tensed but nodded again. At least there will be no beating around the bush, he thought bitterly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jensen rubbing his face tiredly and felt an unwelcome flash of guilt.
“Jay, I know you’re angry. You have every right to be, and I know that talking is probably the last thing you want to do right now, but I need you to hear me out, okay ? There are some things that you don’t know yet, and you need to hear them.”
“Of course there are,” Jared replied ironically, before biting his lips in consternation. He hadn’t meant to snap at Jensen like that, but truth be told, the man was right: talking about his assault in detail was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He just… wanted Jensen to shut up and stay with him. In silence.
Eyes still resolutely fixed on the wall, Jared felt Jensen shift. When the older man spoke again, his voice was rough, heavy, and full of emotions. It shocked Jared as much by his intensity as by his words.
“You can hate me all you want; hell, I don’t blame you for it, but please, let me explain myself because while I’m okay with you hating me, I really can’t stand the thought of you being afraid of me.”
Jared’s eyes snapped right into Jensen and his expression was full of confusion.
“Hate? I don’t hate you!”
Jensen’s disbelieving expression was his only answer, and despite himself, Jared let his voice rise in anger.
“I don’t fucking hate you! And I’m not afraid of you! Why should I be? You aren't the one who almost beat me to death, and I know you didn’t know what they had planned! I… just don’t get it, Jensen. If… if you wanted me to back off, you could have said something! If I was making you… uncomfortable all this time, you should have just told me, instead of talking to them…”
“Whoa! Wait a second, Jay, what the hell are you talking about?” Jensen cut Jared off harshly.
“Come on! You can stop pretending, okay? Christian… Christian told me that you didn’t know how to tell me to get lost... that I was making you uneasy with… with the closeness and touching…”
Out of all the reactions that Jensen could have had, Jared certainly didn’t expect him to whirl around and punch the nearest wall, but he did and it sobered them both. In the tense silence of the hospital room, Jensen’s harsh breathing was loud, a painful contrast with the almost non-existent sound Jared’s own breath was making.
“Dude,” the younger man murmured at last.
“Sorry.”
“Did you break anything?” Jared asked, trying to hide the worry in his voice. Jensen turned around to face him, all dark eyes and pale face, then gave him a twisted smile.
“No.”
They glowered at each other, and Jensen spoke quietly, his voice pitched low:
“All the things that son of bitch said to you were lies. Him, Steve, and their two puppets, they lied, Jared, you understand? I never pretended anything with you, ever. What you’ve always gotten from me is what you’ve always seen, and you have never made me feel uncomfortable, or uneasy, or disgusted, because this is what it's about, isn’t it?” Jensen said ironically, followed with a wry chuckle. “Besides, have you forgotten all those times when I was the one who invaded your personal space? When I was the one who hugged you randomly, caressed your hair while we watched movies, kissed the back of your neck while you cooked? I touched you as much as you touched me, if not more, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”
Thanks to his actor’s skills, Jared managed to keep his expression blank, but a torrent of thoughts whirled in his mind. What did Jensen mean by “I wouldn’t have it any other way”? Was there a possibility that he felt the same way as Jared? When did that happen? Jared had always thought he was alone in this, because sure Jensen’s displays of affection towards him were sometimes… unconventional, but the guy loved him like family and they were best-friend. Jensen never gave any indication to feel something beyond that. Or Jared thought so. Did Christian know? Was it why he lied? Was it why they came to his house? Jared opened his mouth, ready to ask all the above, but to his utter shock what came out was:
“Then why did you give Christian your keys?”
Jensen froze. Jared’s eyes widened of their own volition and the iron cold fear he'd felt since he woke up - both this time and the first time nbsp; washed over him. The beeping sound of his heart monitor increased, and if Jared could feel beyond the dull ache of his battered body, he would have realized he was shivering.
A myriad of emotions passed over Jensen’s face, but the understanding and the relieved expression that settled on his best friend threw Jared off.
“Is that why you were so afraid of me when you had your panic attack? Jared? Is that it?” Jensen eagerly advanced, and now he was standing a little too close for Jared’s comfort.
“I…huh…I…”
Jensen sat by his hips but didn’t touch him, and for that, Jared was very grateful. He didn’t know if he could handle any contact right now. And the man still hadn’t responded to his question…
“Jay? Please, I need to know. I’ll respond whatever questions you want to ask, but I need to know that.”
Of course, Jared mused, Jensen would have guessed what he was thinking - the man knew him by heart, better than Jared's own family. So he decided to be honest.
“I wasn’t afraid of you, Jen. I was afraid about you. I wasn’t very lucid earlier, and when I saw you barge into the room like that… it was so abrupt, and you seemed so pissed, I thought you were angry with me. But I knew you would never hurt me, man. I know that. But then, I remember that you gave Christian your keys without telling me, the keys of our home, Jensen…” Unshed tears gathered in Jared’s eyes, and his bright and stricken gaze never left Jensen’s face.
“I… I thought that what Christian said was true,” he continued with a broken voice. “He told me you gave them to him because you weren’t comfortable living with me anymore. That I was smothering you, and forcing you into what he called a… a gay-domesticity, and that you were thinking about leaving. He said that you wanted someone else to have the keys, so that maybe I'd get the message and back off.”
Jared couldn’t hold back his tears anymore, and let them flow. They cascaded down his cheeks while he tried to bite back the heartbreaking sobs shaking his sore body. He raised his unbroken arm and wiped his wet cheeks in a trembling movement. He wasn’t done talking, and they both knew he needed to finish what he'd started, just like they were aware that he couldn’t handle comforting right now. When the young man lowered his gaze, he saw that Jensen’s hands were clenched into two white fists on the blanket, tightened hard enough to rip it apart. Jared tore his gaze away and murmured tiredly:
“I didn’t want you to see me like that. I was all over the place, man, and when you tried to calm me down, I just panicked. I wasn’t afraid of you and I don’t hate you, Jensen. Never. I was just… lost.”
They were still in the quiet room, Jared staring at the wall and Jensen staring at Jared. The more the silence prolonged itself, the more the younger man felt nervous. He didn’t want Jensen to apologize or anything; he could understand why the man gave his keys to Christian. No, all Jared wanted was closure, at least on this. The nightmares he could handle, the flashbacks he would handle as they came. But he couldn’t stand what was happening between him and his best friend.
But Jensen was still silent. And still staring at him. When the younger man finally mustered the nerve to look back, he stared, mesmerized, by Jensen’s emerald eyes. They were much darker than usual, and were drinking in every detail of Jared's face, like it was their last chance to do so. Jared blinked, and then Jensen started talking.
About the keys. About Christian. About Danneel, and about betrayal. And the more he talked, the more Jared realized that it was both of them who suffered. It was both of them who would carry scars, nightmares and fears for a very long time. The raw guilt and hurt he could hear in Jensen’s voice made Jared want to hurt Christian and Steve for the first time. It shouldn’t have surprised him but it did. Cut Jensen, and Jared was the one bleeding. And vice-versa. It wasn’t how friends reacted with each other, not even best friends. Brothers? Maybe, but as much as they would love to be, they weren’t Sam and Dean.
They were just Jensen and Jared. Drowning in each other since day one, staunchest supporter of each other, best friends, best everything. Jensen was the laugh Jared let out early in the morning, before his first cup of coffee, and he was the fond smile playing on Jared's lips, when he drifted to sleep, late at night. Jensen ruled over Jared's realm of dreams and was the foundation that anchored him during the daylight. With Jensen, everything was different. The rules didn’t apply anymore. He was a blessing and a curse, the beginning and the end, the good, the bad, and everything in between. He was love. He was Jared’s, and when Jared realized that, three things happened:
Jensen confessed that he loved Jared.
Jensen refused any answer from Jared.
And Jared fell in love with Jensen all over again.
When everything was said, the older man stood up to leave, despite Jared’s protests.
“Jen…”
“You need to rest, Jay”
“But Jen!”
“You’re exhausted, and I’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay?”
“No, not okay! Jensen, please…”
“Jared.”
“You really won’t let me respond now?” Jared asked uselessly.
“No.” Jensen’s stern voice was a sharp contrast with the soft warmth of his eyes, “I don’t want any response right now, Jay. Not like this.”
“This?”
“Not while you’re lying in pain in a hospital bed. Not when everything is still so rough, after what happened… I want you to think about it, okay? Think. I want you to take your time, to consider your options. I don’t want you to feel pressured about anything. And most importantly, Jay, I want you to know that whatever you decide, you will always have me. You are my best friend. That is never going to change.”
“But, Jen…”
Jensen bent down and put a finger on Jared’s lips. Then he carefully kissed the battered and swollen side of Jared's face, first his temple and then his cheek, right on the spot where the dimples usually showed. Tenderly, the older man murmured:
“Shut up. Think”
Jensen left the room without a look back, and just by the way he was walking, Jared knew how much it pained him to do so. The young man plopped himself back against his pillows and stared at the ceiling, blinking back the traitorous tears in his eyes.
“Idiot,” he murmured in the empty air.
