What are my fears?
My fears??...Everyone is afraid of something…but there are several things that I’m scared of that I’m working on.
My Greatest Fears:
- Being abandoned/left behind
- Being alone, waking up one day and everyone I know and love is gone
#1 and #2 go hand in hand…my dad left me when I was in 4th grade...basically abandoned me….and now he’s abandoned me for two other women…But whatever, he was never there for me in the first place.
In middle school I was bullied at school and at church school…my so called best friends at school back stabbed me and threw horrible notes at me calling me fat and ugly….they cut up my clothes…and spread rumors about me…turned my friends against me.
At church, my best friend there just one day decided not to like me anymore…turned everyone at church against me…I was left with only one friend left…and soon she abandoned me as well for the “cooler” kids so she could fit in.
My ex cheated on me and then left me for another girl. Cheated on me twice, I gave him a second chance and he goes and does it again.
Trust is really hard to gain from me, but once you gain it, I’ll trust you with almost everything.
- Being judged
I guess it’s Asian culture to be judged so you don’t become arrogant and cocky…it’s horrible, but I’ve learned to accept that it’s just the culture…I’ve learned that people can judge you and say all the crap they want about you, but that doesn’t define who you are as a person…only you know yourself better than anyone else…no one will know you as well as you know yourself…So I say, who cares what other people thinks about me…I’m me, and I’ll be who I want to be.
Of course, I’ll always work on flaws about myself that I don’t like…like that fact that I can’t really stand up for myself and I let people walk all over myself. Lol…I’m working on that.
I’m still working on being judged…it’s hard sometimes still for me because sometimes I listen too much to what other people think, but now I ask for more than one opinion and I just remind myself who I am.
- Birds -_-
I don’t like birds…Got really traumatized by birds when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I went to Miles Square Park with my dad to feed the ducks, and as I was feeding them, a huge geese comes up to me…Guess it got mad at me for not feeding it?? Then it decided to chase me around the park… -_- (Imagine a little tiny girl being chased by a huge bird probably the same size as her or maybe even bigger *shivers*)
I don’t like birds…they scare me, but I’m getting a bit better at it…I just flinch now when I see one fly over me.
- Cramped, closed up spaces, especially elevators
I am claustrophobic…I used to hyperventilate and have panic attacks when I go into elevators, but I’ve worked on it and now I just feel really tense. I know I have to face it because if I’m going to be a nurse, I’ll have to be able to use the elevators…Lol…I can’t bring my patients down or up by the stairs if they’re in a wheelchair or bed. Although, I wonder how that would be like XD
- Alleyways
I hate alleyways…I used to have nightmares when I was little…In my dreams I watched how my mom died….I saw her being killed in the alleyway…I’m terrified by them.
It’s really weird though…I didn’t find out how she really died until recently this summer…so at age 4-6, I had nightmares of her actual death…It’s kind of scary, but maybe it’s a message from my mom wanting me to know the truth??
I feel like she’s always here watching over me, so it’s a bit comforting to keep that in mind. I think of her as my guardian angel watching and keeping me safe.
I really want to get over my fear of alleyways…but I don’t know how…I want to go to the exact alleyway where she got killed, and maybe my phobia of alleyways will finally disappear….but I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not…I just remember Daisuke lecturing me about how stupid that idea was….So I guess it’s not a good idea??