I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired...
SO, I did the math, and it turns out that I've been sick for over half of the shows I've played in 2010. Not just kind of sick, either. I'm talking 100* fever, can't-breathe-out-of-my-nose, I-should-be-in-bed-watching-Brady-Bunch-re-runs sick.
I've played anyway. Why? Because I make good life decisions.
All sarcasm aside (it's new, I know), I've been wondering why a lot recently. Some days, I feel like my life has been reduced to work and music. I've pushed friends aside. I've pushed a social life aside. I've even pushed me aside.
Emmeline can be a demanding wench sometimes, and she always gets her way.
Usually, I enjoy a show from the point I schedule it. I enjoy the promotion. I enjoy the anticipation. I enjoy amping everyone up and hauling my crap out and setting up and playing for people. I even enjoy the teardown, and begging for email addresses to add to the list, and going to IHOP or Cafe Brazil with my awesome friends afterwards.
Lately, I enjoy being onstage. I enjoy connecting with people. The anticipation isn't fun anymore, though. Instead of getting excited for the show, I'm wondering if I'll be able to hit the notes. I'm wondering if the lights are going to perpetuate the migraine to the point where I pass out onstage. I'm wondering if my lungs are going to cooperate for a full hour, or if that's just asking too much.
I HATE that I wonder those things.
I hate even more that I don't know how to take a break. I don't know how to STOP for a week so that I can recuperate, because I'm petrified that, the moment I do take a break, someone else who is better and more talented and more hardworking will be there to take my place.
I don't want to play out of fear. And I don't, most days. Sometimes, though, I'm so scared that it hurts to get up on that stage.
I hate that, lately, I have to wait until I start playing the first few chords to remember why I love this job. Because, usually, I love it all the time.
Today, I checked the Facebook fan page, and someone had written "keep up the great music" on my wall. Suddenly, all those awful days felt worth it.
It's amazing what a few words can do. So, no matter who you are or what you say, know that every supportive message reminds me why I love what I do...even on the days that make me hate everything else.
Thanks. :)
...
http://www.facebook.com/emmelinemusic. Just sayin'.