Mirror, Mirror (Otalia, 4a/8)
Title: Mirror, Mirror
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.
Red
“So what happens...what happens to us?”
“There is no us.”
“You can marry Frank.”
“No, I don’t love him. I love you.”
Side 1
Natalia knew from the moment she stepped outside the car that it had all gone very wrong. She had arrived at the park still flushed with a sense of victory, on the heels of meeting with Father Ray. She had told him she’d figured it out, and he had been pleased for her, regardless of their different interpretations of theology. It had made her feel happy - it had made her feel proud - and she had come here to speak to Olivia never having felt more ready to explain herself.
However, Olivia hadn’t even started across the grass towards her before Natalia’s happy mood had entirely drained away. Olivia hadn’t looked at her like that since the day in Emma’s school, after the wedding, when she had been so distant and cold. Olivia hadn’t spoken to Emma like that - abrupt, commanding - since Phillip’s return to Springfield, when she had been so very afraid.
Something had gone wrong while Natalia was away.
Natalia fought it, the realization that she knew exactly what had happened. No.
She felt herself start to tremble, all the old fears coming back again. As Olivia walked across the sidewalk towards the car, Natalia forced herself to take a deep breath. She would tell Olivia about all of it. It would be okay.
Olivia stopped at the curb, the car still separating them. Even though she couldn’t read her expression, Natalia didn’t think she had ever found her so beautiful.
“Olivia.” She smiled tentatively and pressed her hands against her stomach, suddenly needing the reminder. It was an effort not to go right to her. “I missed you so much.” She paused, giving her a chance to respond, but everything about Olivia remained unchanged, her expression impassive.
Natalia took another deep breath, tried again. “Even though you know where I’ve been, I’m sure you have a lot of questions-”
“Know where you’ve been?” Olivia’s voice rose incredulously. “How could you possibly think that?” She seemed to catch herself then, because her next words were perfectly modulated, as controlled as the rest of her body. Natalia noticed she wasn’t letting any part of herself fidget. “I don’t know where you’ve been, I don’t know why you went there, and I have no idea what you’ve been thinking.”
“Didn’t...didn’t Father Ray tell you...”
“That you went to a religious retreat? Yes. The day after you left.”
Natalia winced. She had not expected that. “Olivia, I’m sorry about the delay-”
“You’re sorry about the delay?” Olivia asked, and no one listening could have missed the disdain that filled each of her words. “Really, Natalia? You should be sorry for not talking to me. What Father Ray said to me told me absolutely nothing.”
“I thought if you knew I was safe, if you knew that I needed some time-”
“Time for what? What was it, exactly, that you couldn’t tell me? I can understand a lot, you know.” She smiled bitterly. “And it’s not as if I haven’t seen you get cold feet before.”
Natalia felt Olivia’s final sentence as if it were a physical blow. Olivia had never criticized her, for Frank--had always shown nothing but patience, understanding.
The moment stretched on as Natalia stared at her, speechless.
Finally, Olivia’s icy demeanor seemed to fail her. Her gaze drifted away from Natalia’s face as she ran a hand through her hair and sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She looked back at Natalia, and the regret in her expression made Natalia’s breath catch. “It’s one of many things I’d like to take back.”
Natalia steadied herself, finding it easier to act when she knew at least some of what Olivia was thinking. She thought that maybe if she showed Olivia the source of the motivation for her absence, maybe if Olivia knew that it wasn’t simply cold feet regarding the barbecue...
It took effort, but Natalia managed to keep her eyes on Olivia as she stepped out from behind the car. This time, she made herself actually say the words.
“I’m pregnant.”
The look Olivia gave her, as her gaze traveled down her body, was almost dismissive, and Natalia could feel herself curling inwards, fighting echos of the old shame. But she held herself together. Right now, this wasn’t about her. "I found out…" she steadied her voice, "I found out right before the barbecue."
“You’re having Frank’s baby,” Olivia said, the words oddly flat. Natalia recognized that the other woman was having some type of internal struggle, but it was one she had no chance of following, even with the emotions that played across her face. It was a kaleidoscope that turned too quickly - surprise, relief, anger, disappointment, resignation - all gone before Natalia could examine any of them. The last emotion, though, was one she knew. Hurt.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Olivia asked her, and Natalia could guess now, where this was all going. She thought that maybe there was still time to fix it, that maybe she could keep Olivia from saying the words.
"Olivia,” she said, a note of desperation in her voice. “I never meant to hurt you. I was scared, and confused. I didn’t know what this meant for us. I just needed time to figure things out, and we’ve waited before-"
"This isn’t about waiting, Natalia,” Olivia said quietly, and Natalia couldn’t hide from the truth she knew would come next. “You left me."
Natalia closed her eyes against the pain of those words. Please, God, no.
"You had a problem, you got scared, and you left me. You didn't trust in us enough to stay here and work through it. You didn't trust me."
"No, Olivia, it wasn't like that-"
Olivia put her hand up. For a moment she seemed to withdraw into herself as if she’d taken a blow. When she looked back at Natalia, her expression wasn’t kind.
“Don’t,” she said angrily. “Don’t you tell me what it was like. I was here, while you were gone. Emma was here, while you were gone. Do you know what it was like for her? For us? I started to fall apart. I almost sent her away. She...” Olivia trailed off as a black sedan came up the street, slowing as it approached. As they watched, it pulled alongside the curb a short distance behind Natalia’s car.
“Were you expecting him?” Natalia asked, as Phillip got out of the car.
“Yes. He’s here to pick up Emma.” Olivia turned towards the playground, not looking at Natalia as she said, “You should go to the gazebo, I’ll meet you there.”
Natalia couldn’t help looking over in the same direction as Olivia, only to find Emma sitting on the bottom row of the steps to the slide. She had both hands wrapped around one of the side bars of the play structure and was staring hard in their direction. Natalia felt her heart twist as Emma noticed the focus of her own gaze.
“Can I...” She took a quick breath. “Can I at least tell her that I missed her?”
“I need you to listen to me,” Olivia said, voice low, never looking away from her daughter. “I have to take care of her right now.”
Natalia could tell that this wasn’t the time for an argument. Olivia couldn’t focus with all the distractions, and Natalia didn’t want Emma to see her mom come apart.
“I’ll wait for you,” Natalia said softly, before she turned to walk away. She had made it halfway to the gazebo when she heard the commotion behind her.
“But I want to see Natalia!”
Natalia turned back around at the sound of the alarm in that voice.
Emma stood facing Olivia, her small frame tense, a mutinous look on her face as she listened to what her mom had to say. Natalia knew the moment Olivia gave up on the endeavor because she dropped her hands from her daughter’s shoulders and watched as Emma ran off in Natalia’s direction.
Natalia immediately understood the fierce look Olivia sent her way. A warning.
And then she was kneeling in the grass, absorbing the impact of a small body, enveloping Emma in a hug.
“Natalia!” Emma said, her voice muffled against Natalia’s shoulder. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, sweetheart,” Natalia said, holding her tightly. “I’m sorry-”
“-that your trip took longer than expected,” Olivia finished for her as she walked up to them. “We know.” She touched her daughter’s back. “That’s enough, Em. Go to your dad now.”
Emma pulled away reluctantly and Natalia watched, aching, as she walked away.
“I’m going to say a few words to Phillip,” Olivia told her, and then she was moving towards Phillip, towards Emma, and Natalia was sitting in the grass, alone.
***
When Olivia joined her in the gazebo, Natalia didn’t know what to say. A few weeks ago, Olivia had called her Emma’s other mommy. And now...
It was Olivia who finally broke the silence between them. “You should have called me, before you showed up here,” she said, shoving her hands in her pockets. “Emma shouldn’t have to see any of this.”
“Emma seemed happy to see me.”
“Of course she’s happy to see you. She missed you. We both missed you.”
“Olivia, I...” Natalia began, seeing an opening, a place for an explanation. She took a step in Olivia’s direction, only to watch Olivia step even further away.
“No. There is no excuse for what you did to her. You can't bake cookies with her and buy presents for her and be a mother to her and then just disappear on her like that. She needs to know your love is constant. She needs to know you’re here to stay.”
“My love is constant, Olivia. For you, and for her,” Natalia stressed each word, needing her to understand. “I want to give her a little brother or sister. I want to raise this baby with you.”
Olivia looked at her disbelievingly. “You didn’t trust me enough to tell me that you were pregnant, and you want to raise your baby with me?”
“Olivia, this wasn’t about not trusting you. I didn’t trust myself. I knew the day of the barbecue that if I talked to you, I would stay with you, no matter what.”
“And that would have been a bad thing?” Olivia put a hand up before Natalia could answer her. When she next spoke, she sounded unbearably weary. “Are we a sin again, Natalia? Is that what this is about?”
“No, Olivia, we’re not a sin. It was me. It was my sin. I sinned in not trusting in myself. I sinned in hurting you.” For the second time that day, Natalia pushed past her need to cry. She thought she had just seen recognition in Olivia’s eyes. “I was wrong in thinking I deserved punishment rather than what God had given me. In thinking that I didn’t deserve the family I wanted for this baby.” Her voice lowered as she forced herself to finish her confession. “In thinking I didn’t deserve you.” Natalia almost sighed in relief at the expression on Olivia’s face. Olivia understood.
Natalia took a tentative step towards her. “You were right,” she said, “I don’t always have enough faith in myself. I should have trusted myself, and I should have trusted your faith in me.” She made herself stop then, unnerved by Olivia’s response--rather than seeming relieved by her newfound understanding, Olivia looked even more defeated.
“And the next time you don’t trust enough in yourself, Natalia?” she asked quietly. “What happens then?”
Natalia didn’t even have to consider her answer. “I talk to you.”
“Like you did this time?”
“That won’t happen again.”
“How do I know that? How am I'm supposed to trust that the next time something happens, something that scares you, you're not going to leave me again?”
“Because I love you, Olivia. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” The words that had once seemed so difficult came easily to her now, and she could see that Olivia heard the truth in them, the depth of her sincerity.
“Oh God, I love you,” Olivia said as she reached out and touched Natalia's face. Natalia could feel her hands shaking and instinctively reached up to cover them, to calm her. She leaned forward to get closer to her, to press their foreheads together, to tell her-
“But you left me.”
Natalia searched Olivia’s face and saw precisely what she had been trying so hard to avoid, what she hadn’t wanted for her. She had hurt her. She had-
“You broke my heart,” Olivia said, pulling away. She clenched her hands together as she stepped back. “And I won’t let it happen again. Do you understand? I don't trust you.”
Natalia looked at her, uncomprehending. This couldn’t be it; this couldn’t be how they ended. They loved each other. They would do anything for each other.
“Olivia,” she said, her voice breaking, “Olivia, please-”
“I can’t,” Olivia said. “I love you, Natalia, but I can’t.”
Natalia could tell by the roughness of her words that Olivia was struggling not to step forward, hold her, comfort her, and the tears that she had been holding back all day finally overwhelmed her. She put a hand to her face as a small sob escaped her, her guilt increasing at Olivia’s obvious anguish. For a moment Olivia stood in front of her, undecided, and then, closing her eyes, she turned and walked away.
Through her tears, Natalia watched her go. She couldn’t breathe. It hurt. It hurt even more than when Gus died, the pain pushing out everything else. This time, God’s will had nothing to do with her loss. She had done this all on her own.
She’d had it all. She’d had her second chance, and she’d lost it--and she had nobody but herself to blame. She had known it. She had known she would fail...
No, she thought, not this again. It was too close to the same line of thinking that had gotten her into trouble before. She moved forward to lean against the railing of the gazebo, concentrating on slowing her breathing until she felt something approaching calm. The ache inside her had only spread, but she could reason with herself again. She could make herself a promise.
This time, she was going to have faith. Faith in God, faith in Olivia--faith in herself.
Even as she closed her eyes, she knew it was too soon to pray. It didn’t matter; God already knew her pain. He already knew her resolve.
In a way, it was Olivia who had given her the confidence to do this. To find in hope in a promise that was sure to be difficult to keep.
***
Natalia walked into the Beacon and headed straight for the elevator. She felt nervous, being in the hotel, but it was Olivia’s workout hour, so she had a good chance of missing her entirely. She supposed her timing couldn’t have been better if she had planned it.
After she had left the park, she had gone back to the farmhouse. She hadn’t been hungry, but she knew she should eat, so she had rummaged through the kitchen cupboards to see if she could find enough food for a late lunch. Her selection was sparse. She knew she needed to go shopping, but when faced with that knowledge while driving home, she had opted to take the fastest route to the comfort of her own space. She figured she could find something in her pantry to tide her over until she could face answering the rest of Springfield, and she had been right.
Canned soup might not be her favorite food item, but it had reminded her of Rafe, of his childhood, and she had found the process of heating it to be very soothing. Somehow, she would make it through all this.
She needed to see Rafe, and Frank, but first she had wanted to see if she could make any progress with Olivia. She didn’t even know how to approach the situation--how could she possibly make up for a mistake so huge?
How could Olivia ever forgive her?
Usually when she wanted to think about forgiveness, she went to the church. However, in this instance, she really didn’t want to talk to Father Ray. She wanted to talk to someone who knew Olivia, who understood about faith, who-
She suddenly realized who she wanted to see. Josh Lewis.
He knew Olivia, he had been a minister--and he thought that Natalia was a good person, something she really needed to believe right now.
At first, she thought she should probably just call him...but she couldn’t imagine having this kind of conversation over the phone. Before she could argue herself out of the idea, she had picked up her purse and headed for her car.
And now, here she was, in one of the hotel’s elevators, admiring the small touches that reminded her of the Beacon’s owner. The pristine maintenance, the attention to detail - when had Olivia added the accent colors? - it all made her miss working here, made her miss spending her days learning about--
The elevator doors opened and she stepped into the hallway. Only now did she wonder how Josh would react when she showed up, unannounced, at his door. She supposed he most likely had to deal with house calls when he was a minister, and the idea that he had seen more than one penitent show up on his doorstep gave her the courage to move forward.
She hadn’t quite reached his room when his door opened, and he stepped out into the hallway...followed by Olivia.
Josh turned to say something to his companion, then quickly turned back towards Natalia as he noticed Olivia’s sudden silence and the direction of her gaze.
“Natalia,” he said, obviously surprised. Natalia could see him evaluating their present situation, and she knew that Olivia had told him, about them. From the look on his face, she thought he might try his hand at some type of explanation, but then he glanced at Olivia and seemed to change his mind. “I’d heard you were back.”
“Yes,” Natalia said, trying to match Olivia’s neutral expression. She didn’t think she succeeded, because Josh allowed himself one more look between the two of them and then took a step back.
“I was just on my way to-”
“At this point, do you really even have to say it?” Olivia asked him, her voice dry, and Natalia saw the way Josh couldn’t hide his relief at the characteristic response.
“Yeah,” he said, drawing the word out. “I’ll tell her you say hello.”
“No, you won’t.”
The familiarity of their conversation made Natalia ache, as did the small smile Olivia managed in response to Josh’s long-suffering expression. She didn’t belong here.
“I’ll see the two of you later,” Josh said, as he shut the door to his room. He glanced one more time at Olivia before heading in the direction of the stairwell, and it hurt Natalia, how much comfort Olivia seemed to find in the attention.
Natalia could hear the echo of Josh’s footsteps on the stairs as she and Olivia studied each other. Natalia wasn’t sure what she had just witnessed, but she knew she didn’t want to discuss it with the events of the afternoon still fresh in her mind. After all the emotion today, she couldn’t get past Olivia’s present countenance--the emptiness of her gaze. Natalia didn’t understand how anyone could push so much away.
“I should go,” she said, starting towards the elevator. She hadn’t gotten very far before she heard movement behind her.
“Natalia, wait.”
Natalia stopped. As she turned and waited for Olivia to catch up to her, she was already dreading it, the explanation, whether it came in the form of excuses, or the truth. She wished she hadn’t come here today.
“I know what you’re doing and I want you to stop,” Olivia said, the words out before she had even reached where Natalia was standing. When she finally came to a halt across from her, the look she gave Natalia was hard, uncompromising. “You don’t get to decide when our relationship stops and when it starts back up again. This doesn’t all revolve around you.”
“Olivia, I-”
“I’ve told you what I want, and you’re not listening to me.” Olivia’s expression softened as Natalia couldn’t hide her pain. “Honey,” she said gently, “it’s not going to happen. I can’t let it. You need to let us go.”
The finality of Olivia’s words combined with their unexpected kindness almost took Natalia apart. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold it all together.
“Olivia,” she said, “I know that I hurt you. But if you just let me-”
Olivia shook her head, her expression hardening again. “You need to not push this,” she said, enunciating each word clearly. “I want you to leave me alone.”
This time, Natalia didn’t watch Olivia walk away, but she waited to leave until she heard her door close, shuddering at the sound it made in the empty hallway.
***
Natalia stared across the banquet hall. She didn’t think that Olivia was trying to punish her, at least not on purpose, but the sight in front of her definitely would have worked, if punishment had been one of Olivia’s goals.
Olivia stood with her back to Natalia, talking to Doris and someone that Natalia assumed must be a friend of Doris, in the same way that Olivia and herself had once almost been friends. Natalia had caught glimpses of Olivia over the last few weeks, but this was the first time she seemed in any way happy--laughing and chatting and causing heads to turn.
The sound of Olivia’s laughter paired with that outfit, a low-cut, red dress that flattered her figure to perfection...
Natalia found the effect positively stunning. She had never been so aware of what she had lost. Of what she still wanted.
But, so far, Olivia had held firm. She had nodded at Natalia during the wedding ceremony today, but had made no move to approach her. In her continued effort to respect Olivia’s wishes, Natalia had kept her distance too.
But she wanted to talk to her. She wanted to tell her she liked her hair like that, in a smooth upsweep, as she had told her so many times before. She wanted to ask her about Emma, about Ava, about the Beacon--about everything she was missing in her life right now. She wanted to talk to her, hold her hand, touch her face.
She wanted her, plain and simple. And she still didn’t know how to make it happen.
“You chose to love a very stubborn woman.”
Natalia reluctantly turned away from Olivia to face Josh Lewis. It was the first time she had seen him since that day in the hotel and, though she tried to do better, her greeting to him was not a particularly friendly one.
He seemed to understand, his expression turning contrite. “Natalia,” he said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know, at first, or I never would have-”
“Did you comfort her, while I was gone?” she asked.
“Yes.” He held Natalia’s gaze. “She’s my friend.”
“Good.”
She could tell her response had pleased him, because his manner towards her warmed considerably. He glanced over at Olivia, then back at her.
“Could I ask you to do something for me?”
“What?”
“I’m going away for awhile. It’s...” he thought for a moment, then shrugged. “It’s a long story. What I want to ask you...” he looked over at Olivia again. “Will you take care of my friend for me? She needs more care than most people realize.”
“I know,” Natalia said softly, and she knew that was why he had asked her. Because she already knew. “But she won’t let me close to her right now.”
“I still think you’re the woman for the job.”
Natalia would have said more to him, asked him questions about his trip, about Olivia, but she saw Frank walking over in their direction. “I should probably-”
“I understand.” Josh smiled at her as he turned to leave. “It was nice talking to you. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to know each other better.”
She nodded, half of her focus already on Frank. She blushed whenever she saw him now, despite her best efforts to the control the reaction. He had taken the news better than she had expected, especially the part where she still didn’t want to marry him--but the discussions they had in determining how to parent this child had been very detailed. He had wanted to talk about the baby’s conception. It had been a long, awkward conversation, full of specifics she had done her best to forget again. And yet, still, she blushed.
“Hi, Natalia,” Frank said, as he walked up to her. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m doing well, Frank, thank you for asking.”
Frank said something after that, and Natalia tried to pay attention, without much success. Olivia had just glanced over in their direction, too briefly for Natalia to even consider making eye contact, before she looked away again. She had already joined back in the conversation of the group around Doris, but she was no longer laughing.
Natalia didn’t remember Olivia being so effectively stoic, before.
She missed being able to read her face.
***
Natalia knew it was wrong, but she wasn’t really looking forward to her sonogram today. Not that she didn’t want to know the health and the sex of her baby - that wasn’t even a question - but to share such an intimate moment with Frank and not Olivia seemed unbearably wrong to her.
Especially since she felt that if she couldn’t convince Olivia to be a part of this baby’s life today, of all days, she didn’t know how she would ever succeed in making them a family. She was finding it more and more difficult, to hope.
She had started to push herself off the couch when Rafe walked into the living room. He was next to her in an instant.
“Here, Ma, let me help you,” he said, taking her hands and gently pulling her upwards. He looked over at the clock. “Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?”
She smiled at him, pleased that he remembered the date. “My appointment’s not for another half-hour.”
“Is Frank going?”
“He’s meeting me there,” she said warily, hoping he would leave it alone. Unlike Olivia, Rafe had forgiven her almost immediately for her absence, on learning the reason for her flight. He had, however, not been as understanding about the conclusions she had reached while she was away.
“Are you two finally going to get married already?”
“It’s only a sonogram, Raphael.”
“And you’re still hoping that she is coming, aren’t you?
Natalia sighed. Rafe wouldn’t even use Olivia’s name anymore, if he had a choice. It was childish and beneath him and she seemed utterly powerless to stop it. She wondered when so many people in her life had become this unyielding.
“Yes,” she said. “I invited Olivia.”
“I’ll never understand you, Ma. You have a chance to give this baby a real family. Frank’s going to be there and he loves you-”
“-enough for the both of us?” Natalia asked him, angrily. She couldn’t believe she was allowing herself to be goaded into another version of this argument. “Because he would have to love me that much, Rafe. I don’t know why you can’t seem to understand this--I don’t love him.”
She felt her anger fade at the look on her son’s face. He looked hurt and lost and alone, feelings she understood all too well after her trip this summer. A selfish part of her wished he respected Frank less. She knew he had taken on part of the guilt for how much she had hurt his mentor.
“What would you have me do, Rafe?” she asked him, and she saw him squirm at the weariness that filled her voice. “Marry Frank even though I don’t love him?”
“But you-”
“What about all those years ago, when you were little, and Gus was gone?” she continued, overriding him. At some point, he had to understand. “Should I have married someone else then? Did you want a father that badly?”
“No, Ma. Of course not. I already told you that. But, Frank, he’s such a good guy-”
“He is a good man,” she agreed. “Which is why I can’t do that to him. Would you want someone to do that to you? Marry you when they didn’t love you?”
“But you loved him enough to get engaged to him.”
“No, Rafe. I was scared enough to get engaged to him. It was wrong.”
“Mom, you’re having his baby!”
“And that’s enough of a reason to get married?” Natalia couldn’t believe what her son was implying. This wasn’t what she had tried to teach him. “You don’t want more than that, for me? For this baby?”
She thought back to right before the wedding, when he had made her so proud. “You told me once, you just wanted me to be happy. Did you only say that because you knew I was going to do what you wanted?” She could see from his stricken look that he hadn’t meant that, at least not consciously, and her voice gentled. ““I know you understand what it’s like, Rafe. I know you shared something once, with Daisy. Don’t you want that for me?”
He stared at her. “Mom, what Daisy and I did was a sin.”
“Your love wasn’t a sin.” A smile touched her lips, as she thought of Olivia. “And neither is mine,” she finished quietly.
“But you don’t love her. She’s still got you confused.”
“She won’t even talk to me, Rafe. How exactly is she keeping me confused? I could walk away from this, right now. She wouldn’t try and stop me.” Natalia laughed softly, feeling that ever-sharp pain. “I wish she would.”
She knew from his reaction that this conversation would not end well. His agitation had been building throughout their discussion, but it had just reached a new level, his hands clenching as he stepped away from her.
“She treats you like this, she rejects you, and you still talk about her...like that?”
The depth of the revulsion in his voice shook her. “Rafe-”
“No, Ma. We’re done. I’m out of here.”
As he stormed out of the house, Natalia realized that she was getting really, really tired of watching people leave.
***
Natalia walked into Company, tired but still standing. It hadn’t been as difficult as she had feared. Frank had been so thoughtful, bringing her crackers, and the news had all been good.
She was going to have a little girl.
Natalia held onto that thought--it was really the only memory she wanted to keep from today. Despite the fact that sonogram had gone well, she felt drained.
Olivia hadn’t been there.
Natalia had thought that maybe, just maybe, she would make an appearance. It had been the only contact she had initiated with Olivia - the one phone call - and she had thought that Olivia might recognize the importance of that, might feel more forgiving after she had seen how completely Natalia had respected her request since that day in the hallway. Natalia had thought about not calling at all, but it wasn’t as if she could keep this baby from coming...
So she had tried. And, though he hadn’t said anything to her, she felt fairly certain that Frank had tried too.
She knew he had seen her looking at the door during her appointment. To his credit, he hadn’t said a word. In fact, he had let her dictate both the tone and the course of the day. He had been quietly happy with the news, and then agreed to her request for him to check on Rafe before he joined her back at the restaurant.
Natalia glanced to her left, pleased to find a free table. Frank had warned her it was busy at Company today. She had just put her purse down when Marina walked up to her, a look of pure irritation on her face.
“Do you have plans to stop taking advantage of my dad anytime soon?”
Natalia briefly closed her eyes. Of all days. “Marina-”
“I know he left today to meet you at your sonogram. Where did you send him now? Back out to look for your son?”
“Yes, he is out looking for Rafe.” Natalia thought about saying more, then decided against it. She’d already had one fight today.
“How can you do that to him? You want him to be there for you, for your kids, and you don’t want him?” When Natalia didn’t respond, Marina glared at her and raised her voice. “My dad’s a good guy. One day some woman is going to come along who will appreciate him. You need to make up your mind if you want him as a father to this baby.”
Natalia looked around, realizing the restaurant had gone silent. Everyone was staring at them, at her--at the evidence of her pregnancy. To complete her mortification, she now saw that Olivia sat at one of the far tables with her usual cup of coffee and muffin, looking at her. Natalia folded her arms over her stomach and took a step back, trying to remove herself from public view. This was even worse than all those years ago, when her parents had insisted she go to church even after she had started showing and everyone had-
For the first time since had gotten back to Springfield, Natalia lost her nerve. "I have to go," she muttered, careful not to look at anyone, especially Olivia, as she turned and fled the room.
***
Part 4b
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.
Red
“So what happens...what happens to us?”
“There is no us.”
“You can marry Frank.”
“No, I don’t love him. I love you.”
Side 1
Natalia knew from the moment she stepped outside the car that it had all gone very wrong. She had arrived at the park still flushed with a sense of victory, on the heels of meeting with Father Ray. She had told him she’d figured it out, and he had been pleased for her, regardless of their different interpretations of theology. It had made her feel happy - it had made her feel proud - and she had come here to speak to Olivia never having felt more ready to explain herself.
However, Olivia hadn’t even started across the grass towards her before Natalia’s happy mood had entirely drained away. Olivia hadn’t looked at her like that since the day in Emma’s school, after the wedding, when she had been so distant and cold. Olivia hadn’t spoken to Emma like that - abrupt, commanding - since Phillip’s return to Springfield, when she had been so very afraid.
Something had gone wrong while Natalia was away.
Natalia fought it, the realization that she knew exactly what had happened. No.
She felt herself start to tremble, all the old fears coming back again. As Olivia walked across the sidewalk towards the car, Natalia forced herself to take a deep breath. She would tell Olivia about all of it. It would be okay.
Olivia stopped at the curb, the car still separating them. Even though she couldn’t read her expression, Natalia didn’t think she had ever found her so beautiful.
“Olivia.” She smiled tentatively and pressed her hands against her stomach, suddenly needing the reminder. It was an effort not to go right to her. “I missed you so much.” She paused, giving her a chance to respond, but everything about Olivia remained unchanged, her expression impassive.
Natalia took another deep breath, tried again. “Even though you know where I’ve been, I’m sure you have a lot of questions-”
“Know where you’ve been?” Olivia’s voice rose incredulously. “How could you possibly think that?” She seemed to catch herself then, because her next words were perfectly modulated, as controlled as the rest of her body. Natalia noticed she wasn’t letting any part of herself fidget. “I don’t know where you’ve been, I don’t know why you went there, and I have no idea what you’ve been thinking.”
“Didn’t...didn’t Father Ray tell you...”
“That you went to a religious retreat? Yes. The day after you left.”
Natalia winced. She had not expected that. “Olivia, I’m sorry about the delay-”
“You’re sorry about the delay?” Olivia asked, and no one listening could have missed the disdain that filled each of her words. “Really, Natalia? You should be sorry for not talking to me. What Father Ray said to me told me absolutely nothing.”
“I thought if you knew I was safe, if you knew that I needed some time-”
“Time for what? What was it, exactly, that you couldn’t tell me? I can understand a lot, you know.” She smiled bitterly. “And it’s not as if I haven’t seen you get cold feet before.”
Natalia felt Olivia’s final sentence as if it were a physical blow. Olivia had never criticized her, for Frank--had always shown nothing but patience, understanding.
The moment stretched on as Natalia stared at her, speechless.
Finally, Olivia’s icy demeanor seemed to fail her. Her gaze drifted away from Natalia’s face as she ran a hand through her hair and sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She looked back at Natalia, and the regret in her expression made Natalia’s breath catch. “It’s one of many things I’d like to take back.”
Natalia steadied herself, finding it easier to act when she knew at least some of what Olivia was thinking. She thought that maybe if she showed Olivia the source of the motivation for her absence, maybe if Olivia knew that it wasn’t simply cold feet regarding the barbecue...
It took effort, but Natalia managed to keep her eyes on Olivia as she stepped out from behind the car. This time, she made herself actually say the words.
“I’m pregnant.”
The look Olivia gave her, as her gaze traveled down her body, was almost dismissive, and Natalia could feel herself curling inwards, fighting echos of the old shame. But she held herself together. Right now, this wasn’t about her. "I found out…" she steadied her voice, "I found out right before the barbecue."
“You’re having Frank’s baby,” Olivia said, the words oddly flat. Natalia recognized that the other woman was having some type of internal struggle, but it was one she had no chance of following, even with the emotions that played across her face. It was a kaleidoscope that turned too quickly - surprise, relief, anger, disappointment, resignation - all gone before Natalia could examine any of them. The last emotion, though, was one she knew. Hurt.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Olivia asked her, and Natalia could guess now, where this was all going. She thought that maybe there was still time to fix it, that maybe she could keep Olivia from saying the words.
"Olivia,” she said, a note of desperation in her voice. “I never meant to hurt you. I was scared, and confused. I didn’t know what this meant for us. I just needed time to figure things out, and we’ve waited before-"
"This isn’t about waiting, Natalia,” Olivia said quietly, and Natalia couldn’t hide from the truth she knew would come next. “You left me."
Natalia closed her eyes against the pain of those words. Please, God, no.
"You had a problem, you got scared, and you left me. You didn't trust in us enough to stay here and work through it. You didn't trust me."
"No, Olivia, it wasn't like that-"
Olivia put her hand up. For a moment she seemed to withdraw into herself as if she’d taken a blow. When she looked back at Natalia, her expression wasn’t kind.
“Don’t,” she said angrily. “Don’t you tell me what it was like. I was here, while you were gone. Emma was here, while you were gone. Do you know what it was like for her? For us? I started to fall apart. I almost sent her away. She...” Olivia trailed off as a black sedan came up the street, slowing as it approached. As they watched, it pulled alongside the curb a short distance behind Natalia’s car.
“Were you expecting him?” Natalia asked, as Phillip got out of the car.
“Yes. He’s here to pick up Emma.” Olivia turned towards the playground, not looking at Natalia as she said, “You should go to the gazebo, I’ll meet you there.”
Natalia couldn’t help looking over in the same direction as Olivia, only to find Emma sitting on the bottom row of the steps to the slide. She had both hands wrapped around one of the side bars of the play structure and was staring hard in their direction. Natalia felt her heart twist as Emma noticed the focus of her own gaze.
“Can I...” She took a quick breath. “Can I at least tell her that I missed her?”
“I need you to listen to me,” Olivia said, voice low, never looking away from her daughter. “I have to take care of her right now.”
Natalia could tell that this wasn’t the time for an argument. Olivia couldn’t focus with all the distractions, and Natalia didn’t want Emma to see her mom come apart.
“I’ll wait for you,” Natalia said softly, before she turned to walk away. She had made it halfway to the gazebo when she heard the commotion behind her.
“But I want to see Natalia!”
Natalia turned back around at the sound of the alarm in that voice.
Emma stood facing Olivia, her small frame tense, a mutinous look on her face as she listened to what her mom had to say. Natalia knew the moment Olivia gave up on the endeavor because she dropped her hands from her daughter’s shoulders and watched as Emma ran off in Natalia’s direction.
Natalia immediately understood the fierce look Olivia sent her way. A warning.
And then she was kneeling in the grass, absorbing the impact of a small body, enveloping Emma in a hug.
“Natalia!” Emma said, her voice muffled against Natalia’s shoulder. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, sweetheart,” Natalia said, holding her tightly. “I’m sorry-”
“-that your trip took longer than expected,” Olivia finished for her as she walked up to them. “We know.” She touched her daughter’s back. “That’s enough, Em. Go to your dad now.”
Emma pulled away reluctantly and Natalia watched, aching, as she walked away.
“I’m going to say a few words to Phillip,” Olivia told her, and then she was moving towards Phillip, towards Emma, and Natalia was sitting in the grass, alone.
***
When Olivia joined her in the gazebo, Natalia didn’t know what to say. A few weeks ago, Olivia had called her Emma’s other mommy. And now...
It was Olivia who finally broke the silence between them. “You should have called me, before you showed up here,” she said, shoving her hands in her pockets. “Emma shouldn’t have to see any of this.”
“Emma seemed happy to see me.”
“Of course she’s happy to see you. She missed you. We both missed you.”
“Olivia, I...” Natalia began, seeing an opening, a place for an explanation. She took a step in Olivia’s direction, only to watch Olivia step even further away.
“No. There is no excuse for what you did to her. You can't bake cookies with her and buy presents for her and be a mother to her and then just disappear on her like that. She needs to know your love is constant. She needs to know you’re here to stay.”
“My love is constant, Olivia. For you, and for her,” Natalia stressed each word, needing her to understand. “I want to give her a little brother or sister. I want to raise this baby with you.”
Olivia looked at her disbelievingly. “You didn’t trust me enough to tell me that you were pregnant, and you want to raise your baby with me?”
“Olivia, this wasn’t about not trusting you. I didn’t trust myself. I knew the day of the barbecue that if I talked to you, I would stay with you, no matter what.”
“And that would have been a bad thing?” Olivia put a hand up before Natalia could answer her. When she next spoke, she sounded unbearably weary. “Are we a sin again, Natalia? Is that what this is about?”
“No, Olivia, we’re not a sin. It was me. It was my sin. I sinned in not trusting in myself. I sinned in hurting you.” For the second time that day, Natalia pushed past her need to cry. She thought she had just seen recognition in Olivia’s eyes. “I was wrong in thinking I deserved punishment rather than what God had given me. In thinking that I didn’t deserve the family I wanted for this baby.” Her voice lowered as she forced herself to finish her confession. “In thinking I didn’t deserve you.” Natalia almost sighed in relief at the expression on Olivia’s face. Olivia understood.
Natalia took a tentative step towards her. “You were right,” she said, “I don’t always have enough faith in myself. I should have trusted myself, and I should have trusted your faith in me.” She made herself stop then, unnerved by Olivia’s response--rather than seeming relieved by her newfound understanding, Olivia looked even more defeated.
“And the next time you don’t trust enough in yourself, Natalia?” she asked quietly. “What happens then?”
Natalia didn’t even have to consider her answer. “I talk to you.”
“Like you did this time?”
“That won’t happen again.”
“How do I know that? How am I'm supposed to trust that the next time something happens, something that scares you, you're not going to leave me again?”
“Because I love you, Olivia. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” The words that had once seemed so difficult came easily to her now, and she could see that Olivia heard the truth in them, the depth of her sincerity.
“Oh God, I love you,” Olivia said as she reached out and touched Natalia's face. Natalia could feel her hands shaking and instinctively reached up to cover them, to calm her. She leaned forward to get closer to her, to press their foreheads together, to tell her-
“But you left me.”
Natalia searched Olivia’s face and saw precisely what she had been trying so hard to avoid, what she hadn’t wanted for her. She had hurt her. She had-
“You broke my heart,” Olivia said, pulling away. She clenched her hands together as she stepped back. “And I won’t let it happen again. Do you understand? I don't trust you.”
Natalia looked at her, uncomprehending. This couldn’t be it; this couldn’t be how they ended. They loved each other. They would do anything for each other.
“Olivia,” she said, her voice breaking, “Olivia, please-”
“I can’t,” Olivia said. “I love you, Natalia, but I can’t.”
Natalia could tell by the roughness of her words that Olivia was struggling not to step forward, hold her, comfort her, and the tears that she had been holding back all day finally overwhelmed her. She put a hand to her face as a small sob escaped her, her guilt increasing at Olivia’s obvious anguish. For a moment Olivia stood in front of her, undecided, and then, closing her eyes, she turned and walked away.
Through her tears, Natalia watched her go. She couldn’t breathe. It hurt. It hurt even more than when Gus died, the pain pushing out everything else. This time, God’s will had nothing to do with her loss. She had done this all on her own.
She’d had it all. She’d had her second chance, and she’d lost it--and she had nobody but herself to blame. She had known it. She had known she would fail...
No, she thought, not this again. It was too close to the same line of thinking that had gotten her into trouble before. She moved forward to lean against the railing of the gazebo, concentrating on slowing her breathing until she felt something approaching calm. The ache inside her had only spread, but she could reason with herself again. She could make herself a promise.
This time, she was going to have faith. Faith in God, faith in Olivia--faith in herself.
Even as she closed her eyes, she knew it was too soon to pray. It didn’t matter; God already knew her pain. He already knew her resolve.
In a way, it was Olivia who had given her the confidence to do this. To find in hope in a promise that was sure to be difficult to keep.
***
Natalia walked into the Beacon and headed straight for the elevator. She felt nervous, being in the hotel, but it was Olivia’s workout hour, so she had a good chance of missing her entirely. She supposed her timing couldn’t have been better if she had planned it.
After she had left the park, she had gone back to the farmhouse. She hadn’t been hungry, but she knew she should eat, so she had rummaged through the kitchen cupboards to see if she could find enough food for a late lunch. Her selection was sparse. She knew she needed to go shopping, but when faced with that knowledge while driving home, she had opted to take the fastest route to the comfort of her own space. She figured she could find something in her pantry to tide her over until she could face answering the rest of Springfield, and she had been right.
Canned soup might not be her favorite food item, but it had reminded her of Rafe, of his childhood, and she had found the process of heating it to be very soothing. Somehow, she would make it through all this.
She needed to see Rafe, and Frank, but first she had wanted to see if she could make any progress with Olivia. She didn’t even know how to approach the situation--how could she possibly make up for a mistake so huge?
How could Olivia ever forgive her?
Usually when she wanted to think about forgiveness, she went to the church. However, in this instance, she really didn’t want to talk to Father Ray. She wanted to talk to someone who knew Olivia, who understood about faith, who-
She suddenly realized who she wanted to see. Josh Lewis.
He knew Olivia, he had been a minister--and he thought that Natalia was a good person, something she really needed to believe right now.
At first, she thought she should probably just call him...but she couldn’t imagine having this kind of conversation over the phone. Before she could argue herself out of the idea, she had picked up her purse and headed for her car.
And now, here she was, in one of the hotel’s elevators, admiring the small touches that reminded her of the Beacon’s owner. The pristine maintenance, the attention to detail - when had Olivia added the accent colors? - it all made her miss working here, made her miss spending her days learning about--
The elevator doors opened and she stepped into the hallway. Only now did she wonder how Josh would react when she showed up, unannounced, at his door. She supposed he most likely had to deal with house calls when he was a minister, and the idea that he had seen more than one penitent show up on his doorstep gave her the courage to move forward.
She hadn’t quite reached his room when his door opened, and he stepped out into the hallway...followed by Olivia.
Josh turned to say something to his companion, then quickly turned back towards Natalia as he noticed Olivia’s sudden silence and the direction of her gaze.
“Natalia,” he said, obviously surprised. Natalia could see him evaluating their present situation, and she knew that Olivia had told him, about them. From the look on his face, she thought he might try his hand at some type of explanation, but then he glanced at Olivia and seemed to change his mind. “I’d heard you were back.”
“Yes,” Natalia said, trying to match Olivia’s neutral expression. She didn’t think she succeeded, because Josh allowed himself one more look between the two of them and then took a step back.
“I was just on my way to-”
“At this point, do you really even have to say it?” Olivia asked him, her voice dry, and Natalia saw the way Josh couldn’t hide his relief at the characteristic response.
“Yeah,” he said, drawing the word out. “I’ll tell her you say hello.”
“No, you won’t.”
The familiarity of their conversation made Natalia ache, as did the small smile Olivia managed in response to Josh’s long-suffering expression. She didn’t belong here.
“I’ll see the two of you later,” Josh said, as he shut the door to his room. He glanced one more time at Olivia before heading in the direction of the stairwell, and it hurt Natalia, how much comfort Olivia seemed to find in the attention.
Natalia could hear the echo of Josh’s footsteps on the stairs as she and Olivia studied each other. Natalia wasn’t sure what she had just witnessed, but she knew she didn’t want to discuss it with the events of the afternoon still fresh in her mind. After all the emotion today, she couldn’t get past Olivia’s present countenance--the emptiness of her gaze. Natalia didn’t understand how anyone could push so much away.
“I should go,” she said, starting towards the elevator. She hadn’t gotten very far before she heard movement behind her.
“Natalia, wait.”
Natalia stopped. As she turned and waited for Olivia to catch up to her, she was already dreading it, the explanation, whether it came in the form of excuses, or the truth. She wished she hadn’t come here today.
“I know what you’re doing and I want you to stop,” Olivia said, the words out before she had even reached where Natalia was standing. When she finally came to a halt across from her, the look she gave Natalia was hard, uncompromising. “You don’t get to decide when our relationship stops and when it starts back up again. This doesn’t all revolve around you.”
“Olivia, I-”
“I’ve told you what I want, and you’re not listening to me.” Olivia’s expression softened as Natalia couldn’t hide her pain. “Honey,” she said gently, “it’s not going to happen. I can’t let it. You need to let us go.”
The finality of Olivia’s words combined with their unexpected kindness almost took Natalia apart. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold it all together.
“Olivia,” she said, “I know that I hurt you. But if you just let me-”
Olivia shook her head, her expression hardening again. “You need to not push this,” she said, enunciating each word clearly. “I want you to leave me alone.”
This time, Natalia didn’t watch Olivia walk away, but she waited to leave until she heard her door close, shuddering at the sound it made in the empty hallway.
***
Natalia stared across the banquet hall. She didn’t think that Olivia was trying to punish her, at least not on purpose, but the sight in front of her definitely would have worked, if punishment had been one of Olivia’s goals.
Olivia stood with her back to Natalia, talking to Doris and someone that Natalia assumed must be a friend of Doris, in the same way that Olivia and herself had once almost been friends. Natalia had caught glimpses of Olivia over the last few weeks, but this was the first time she seemed in any way happy--laughing and chatting and causing heads to turn.
The sound of Olivia’s laughter paired with that outfit, a low-cut, red dress that flattered her figure to perfection...
Natalia found the effect positively stunning. She had never been so aware of what she had lost. Of what she still wanted.
But, so far, Olivia had held firm. She had nodded at Natalia during the wedding ceremony today, but had made no move to approach her. In her continued effort to respect Olivia’s wishes, Natalia had kept her distance too.
But she wanted to talk to her. She wanted to tell her she liked her hair like that, in a smooth upsweep, as she had told her so many times before. She wanted to ask her about Emma, about Ava, about the Beacon--about everything she was missing in her life right now. She wanted to talk to her, hold her hand, touch her face.
She wanted her, plain and simple. And she still didn’t know how to make it happen.
“You chose to love a very stubborn woman.”
Natalia reluctantly turned away from Olivia to face Josh Lewis. It was the first time she had seen him since that day in the hotel and, though she tried to do better, her greeting to him was not a particularly friendly one.
He seemed to understand, his expression turning contrite. “Natalia,” he said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know, at first, or I never would have-”
“Did you comfort her, while I was gone?” she asked.
“Yes.” He held Natalia’s gaze. “She’s my friend.”
“Good.”
She could tell her response had pleased him, because his manner towards her warmed considerably. He glanced over at Olivia, then back at her.
“Could I ask you to do something for me?”
“What?”
“I’m going away for awhile. It’s...” he thought for a moment, then shrugged. “It’s a long story. What I want to ask you...” he looked over at Olivia again. “Will you take care of my friend for me? She needs more care than most people realize.”
“I know,” Natalia said softly, and she knew that was why he had asked her. Because she already knew. “But she won’t let me close to her right now.”
“I still think you’re the woman for the job.”
Natalia would have said more to him, asked him questions about his trip, about Olivia, but she saw Frank walking over in their direction. “I should probably-”
“I understand.” Josh smiled at her as he turned to leave. “It was nice talking to you. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to know each other better.”
She nodded, half of her focus already on Frank. She blushed whenever she saw him now, despite her best efforts to the control the reaction. He had taken the news better than she had expected, especially the part where she still didn’t want to marry him--but the discussions they had in determining how to parent this child had been very detailed. He had wanted to talk about the baby’s conception. It had been a long, awkward conversation, full of specifics she had done her best to forget again. And yet, still, she blushed.
“Hi, Natalia,” Frank said, as he walked up to her. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m doing well, Frank, thank you for asking.”
Frank said something after that, and Natalia tried to pay attention, without much success. Olivia had just glanced over in their direction, too briefly for Natalia to even consider making eye contact, before she looked away again. She had already joined back in the conversation of the group around Doris, but she was no longer laughing.
Natalia didn’t remember Olivia being so effectively stoic, before.
She missed being able to read her face.
***
Natalia knew it was wrong, but she wasn’t really looking forward to her sonogram today. Not that she didn’t want to know the health and the sex of her baby - that wasn’t even a question - but to share such an intimate moment with Frank and not Olivia seemed unbearably wrong to her.
Especially since she felt that if she couldn’t convince Olivia to be a part of this baby’s life today, of all days, she didn’t know how she would ever succeed in making them a family. She was finding it more and more difficult, to hope.
She had started to push herself off the couch when Rafe walked into the living room. He was next to her in an instant.
“Here, Ma, let me help you,” he said, taking her hands and gently pulling her upwards. He looked over at the clock. “Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?”
She smiled at him, pleased that he remembered the date. “My appointment’s not for another half-hour.”
“Is Frank going?”
“He’s meeting me there,” she said warily, hoping he would leave it alone. Unlike Olivia, Rafe had forgiven her almost immediately for her absence, on learning the reason for her flight. He had, however, not been as understanding about the conclusions she had reached while she was away.
“Are you two finally going to get married already?”
“It’s only a sonogram, Raphael.”
“And you’re still hoping that she is coming, aren’t you?
Natalia sighed. Rafe wouldn’t even use Olivia’s name anymore, if he had a choice. It was childish and beneath him and she seemed utterly powerless to stop it. She wondered when so many people in her life had become this unyielding.
“Yes,” she said. “I invited Olivia.”
“I’ll never understand you, Ma. You have a chance to give this baby a real family. Frank’s going to be there and he loves you-”
“-enough for the both of us?” Natalia asked him, angrily. She couldn’t believe she was allowing herself to be goaded into another version of this argument. “Because he would have to love me that much, Rafe. I don’t know why you can’t seem to understand this--I don’t love him.”
She felt her anger fade at the look on her son’s face. He looked hurt and lost and alone, feelings she understood all too well after her trip this summer. A selfish part of her wished he respected Frank less. She knew he had taken on part of the guilt for how much she had hurt his mentor.
“What would you have me do, Rafe?” she asked him, and she saw him squirm at the weariness that filled her voice. “Marry Frank even though I don’t love him?”
“But you-”
“What about all those years ago, when you were little, and Gus was gone?” she continued, overriding him. At some point, he had to understand. “Should I have married someone else then? Did you want a father that badly?”
“No, Ma. Of course not. I already told you that. But, Frank, he’s such a good guy-”
“He is a good man,” she agreed. “Which is why I can’t do that to him. Would you want someone to do that to you? Marry you when they didn’t love you?”
“But you loved him enough to get engaged to him.”
“No, Rafe. I was scared enough to get engaged to him. It was wrong.”
“Mom, you’re having his baby!”
“And that’s enough of a reason to get married?” Natalia couldn’t believe what her son was implying. This wasn’t what she had tried to teach him. “You don’t want more than that, for me? For this baby?”
She thought back to right before the wedding, when he had made her so proud. “You told me once, you just wanted me to be happy. Did you only say that because you knew I was going to do what you wanted?” She could see from his stricken look that he hadn’t meant that, at least not consciously, and her voice gentled. ““I know you understand what it’s like, Rafe. I know you shared something once, with Daisy. Don’t you want that for me?”
He stared at her. “Mom, what Daisy and I did was a sin.”
“Your love wasn’t a sin.” A smile touched her lips, as she thought of Olivia. “And neither is mine,” she finished quietly.
“But you don’t love her. She’s still got you confused.”
“She won’t even talk to me, Rafe. How exactly is she keeping me confused? I could walk away from this, right now. She wouldn’t try and stop me.” Natalia laughed softly, feeling that ever-sharp pain. “I wish she would.”
She knew from his reaction that this conversation would not end well. His agitation had been building throughout their discussion, but it had just reached a new level, his hands clenching as he stepped away from her.
“She treats you like this, she rejects you, and you still talk about her...like that?”
The depth of the revulsion in his voice shook her. “Rafe-”
“No, Ma. We’re done. I’m out of here.”
As he stormed out of the house, Natalia realized that she was getting really, really tired of watching people leave.
***
Natalia walked into Company, tired but still standing. It hadn’t been as difficult as she had feared. Frank had been so thoughtful, bringing her crackers, and the news had all been good.
She was going to have a little girl.
Natalia held onto that thought--it was really the only memory she wanted to keep from today. Despite the fact that sonogram had gone well, she felt drained.
Olivia hadn’t been there.
Natalia had thought that maybe, just maybe, she would make an appearance. It had been the only contact she had initiated with Olivia - the one phone call - and she had thought that Olivia might recognize the importance of that, might feel more forgiving after she had seen how completely Natalia had respected her request since that day in the hallway. Natalia had thought about not calling at all, but it wasn’t as if she could keep this baby from coming...
So she had tried. And, though he hadn’t said anything to her, she felt fairly certain that Frank had tried too.
She knew he had seen her looking at the door during her appointment. To his credit, he hadn’t said a word. In fact, he had let her dictate both the tone and the course of the day. He had been quietly happy with the news, and then agreed to her request for him to check on Rafe before he joined her back at the restaurant.
Natalia glanced to her left, pleased to find a free table. Frank had warned her it was busy at Company today. She had just put her purse down when Marina walked up to her, a look of pure irritation on her face.
“Do you have plans to stop taking advantage of my dad anytime soon?”
Natalia briefly closed her eyes. Of all days. “Marina-”
“I know he left today to meet you at your sonogram. Where did you send him now? Back out to look for your son?”
“Yes, he is out looking for Rafe.” Natalia thought about saying more, then decided against it. She’d already had one fight today.
“How can you do that to him? You want him to be there for you, for your kids, and you don’t want him?” When Natalia didn’t respond, Marina glared at her and raised her voice. “My dad’s a good guy. One day some woman is going to come along who will appreciate him. You need to make up your mind if you want him as a father to this baby.”
Natalia looked around, realizing the restaurant had gone silent. Everyone was staring at them, at her--at the evidence of her pregnancy. To complete her mortification, she now saw that Olivia sat at one of the far tables with her usual cup of coffee and muffin, looking at her. Natalia folded her arms over her stomach and took a step back, trying to remove herself from public view. This was even worse than all those years ago, when her parents had insisted she go to church even after she had started showing and everyone had-
For the first time since had gotten back to Springfield, Natalia lost her nerve. "I have to go," she muttered, careful not to look at anyone, especially Olivia, as she turned and fled the room.
***
Part 4b