(no subject)
Ok, so I'm constantly lying.
I lied when I said I was ok about the fact that I got my tattoo done alone even though it was something we were meant to do together. I lied when I said that it didn't bother me that it took you so long to get round to getting an appointment that the only time you can get it done is once I have left the country.
I lied when I said it was ok that you aren't coming to Cuba with me. Even though you didn't ask if it was ok, you just never spoke about it even though we decided at the beginning of the summer we wanted to go on holiday together. You just ignored it until I booked my plane ticket alone and it was too late. I lied when I said that I don't mind when it finally came up in conversation and you said the reason for not coming was that it was too close to your operation date, even though you could easily have come along for 10 days. I lied to myself when I said that it wasn't rude of you to at least have told me that beforehand instead of having to bring it up in semi-jest. And I lied when I thought that you weren't a coward, because if you really weren't we could have a proper conversation about this.
I lied when I said it's cool if you go to Reading this weekend, because even though I want you to go and have fun with your friends I know that financially it sets you back even more and although money isn't everything I know that it means that you won't come to visit me even though you are vehemently stating that you will.
I lied when I said that I wasn't upset about the fact that you dissuaded me to come to yours on that Monday. At that point I didn't care how much it would have cost to get a cab from Soho to your house, I just wanted to be with you.
I lied when I convinced myself that I'm not a coward, because instead of saying these things to your face I am writing them on the Internet. And I'm lying when I try to convince myself that I am not selfish.
so in conclusion. I am rubbish and I hate everything.
we might as well give up now...
...because i can't take another year and a month of this