[VK] Shades of Grey - Chapter 1
Title: Shades of Grey
Rating: T
Word Count: 6,022
Characters/Pairings: Zero, Misaki, and more OCs
Notes: With this chapter, more exploration of the world of VK and more problems arise from the single mistake done. Also posted on FFnet.
Previous chapter: Prologue
When spring arrived, Parisians had a long and withstanding tradition to head towards their favorite cafes to while away the day on a sunny pavement terrace --a Gallic ritual that began with a cup of strong black coffee in the morning, followed by a kir or pastis at lunchtime, and then chilled rose or a ballon de blanc for the evening apero-- and it was a tradition that was more often than not adopted by the foreign students who were currently pursuing their studies in the well-known city. Two of the three young ladies who were currently sitting on the pavement terrace of a small café were a testament to that.
The two possessed distinctive features that identified their foreign origins, unlike their redhead companion who possessed features easily recognized in Parisians. One was a dark-haired beauty with a unique complexion that one usually found in Eastern Europe with a sharp nose and thin lips and a perfect face. The other was more of Western European descent with her blonde hair and blue eyes, but there was a touch of Asia in her features. Despite the distinctive features, it was difficult to precisely identify their nationalities.
Back in olden times, when the world was ruled by monarchs, people and cultures came together and eventually learned to live together side by side while retaining their identities or create completely new cultures that couldn’t be found in any other places. The reign of a monarchy often reached far and beyond their own territory, sometimes crossing seas and oceans. As such, the nations and continents that we knew of now barely existed, allowing people to make journeys from one part of the world to another while bringing along their culture. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence to find a person whom by all appearance should be of a certain nation in actuality was of another. It wouldn’t be a surprise if the supposedly foreign students later revealed to be nothing foreign.
However, in this case, the two of the three students were actually of foreign nationalities. The dark-haired one was of Jordan, one of the nations that was well-known for its women’s beauty. She was wearing a simple blouse and knee-length skirt with a slit on the side, so when she crossed her legs, one could admire those finely-shaped long legs. While the fair-haired one was of Japan. She was wearing a beige turtleneck shirt with a white pleated skirt that reached just past her knees, watching the arguments between the dark-haired Jordanian and red-headed Parisian in amusement.
Misaki couldn’t hide her smile watching the sarcastic remarks that wasn’t expected to come from someone as beautiful as Sonia and the annoyed retorts from Tanya who had resorted to cruder French that only natives could get away with. They always made quite a scene, the three of them together, with their contrasting features and personalities. Who would have thought they would end up as best friends?
It all started from one single apartment, the very apartment they now shared together. The three of them fell in love with the apartment, not only because of its strategic position that was not far from their universities and the wonderful environment filled with warm people, but also of the apartment itself. They knew they couldn’t afford the apartment, but they never quite stopped hoping that they could, until she met Sonia by accident and came up with the idea of roommates. And so the three of them got together and move in to the apartment.
The early days were filled with uncomfortable silences and awkward interactions, Sonia being the distant person she was, and her being the shy person she was, both of them were rarely the one who opened up first, at least not without some push. And that push came in form of the cheerful Tanya who ceaselessly tried to get them know each other.
At first, Tanya clashed badly with Sonia who rebuffed every single attempt she made after a huge misunderstanding in their early relationship. Eventually Misaki decided to get involved, not wanting to live under the strained atmosphere until she graduated. She managed to smooth things over, being the middle ground between the two strong personalities, but it took quite a while for them to finally get comfortable with each other and become friends as they were now. Now, the two’s arguments were more of a playful banter between friends, despite the strong words.
Really. Sometimes she wondered how she ended up with them, of all people.
“Guys, could you stop arguing?” Misaki spoke up after they were about to start another argument, knowing that the other would try to even the score. As much as she found amusement in their arguments, sometimes it grated her nerves, especially when she was tired after finishing the course load for this semester. She felt really tired after a certain project required for the completion of the semester that took a lot out of her.
At this interruption, the two immediately moved their attention to the third party and didn’t fail to notice the slightly pinched look in their friend’s face.
“Ah sorry, Misaki,” Tanya was quick to apologize, her face didn’t conceal her concern.
“Are you alright?” Sonia’s green eyes seemed to bore through her, the same look she usually reserved for most difficult people. It made her quite uneasy and unnerved at first, but Misaki was getting used to it.
“I just want to sit back and relax,” Misaki waved her hand dismissively, “As much as I enjoy your banter, I’m not currently in the mood. I have a different way to relieve my stress.”
That statement earned chuckles from the other two who didn’t deny that their arguments were indeed one of their ways to relieve the stress after the hectic semester. Sonia had a major disagreement with one of her professors. Sonia had a way of rubbing people the wrong way, the same way she could easily charm them. Being the perfectionist she was, Sonia rather obsessed in proving him wrong and she became hard to live with, Misaki and Tanya had to carefully tread around her until she finally settled down. Tanya had family problems that required her to switch back and forth between her hometown and Paris, nearly disrupting her studies.
“Yeah, that’s one hell of a semester,” Tanya seemed to be thinking of the same thing.
“Agreed,” Sonia quipped, for agreeing with the sentiment and for the sake of catching Tanya off guard for agreeing with her, when they rarely agreed on anything. It had the intended effect on Tanya, and Misaki saw the satisfied glint in the future diplomat’s eyes. Misaki inwardly sighed, Sonia really had a habit of pushing people’s buttons. It was a wonder how she could get away so easily.
“Excuse me,” a waiter appeared next to their table, “Cappuccino.”
“That’s me,” Sonia spoke up.
“Cold dark and white chocolate.”
“Mine!” Tanya quipped, while Sonia had a look of disbelief that made Misaki chuckle. Not only the redhead had sweet tooth, she also had quite an appetite that couldn’t be seen with her slim figure, a fact that Sonia could hardly get over. It might be partly because Sonia had to work harder to keep her figure.
“Chamomile tea.”
“Bitter?” Misaki asked the waiter.
“Bitter,” the waiter confirmed.
“Thank you,” the fair-haired young woman accepted the warm cup with a smile.
“Bitter?” that caught the attention of her tablemates, knowing her tea preference. It was rather unheard of her to ask for a bitter tea.
“My stomach doesn’t cooperate with me lately.”
“You tend to skip your meals when you’re working on projects,” Sonia observed calmly, sipping her beverage elegantly, which was almost how she did everything.
“That might be it,” Misaki admitted.
“Have you taken anything for it?” Tanya asked, tasting the sweet foam floating on the top of the glass.
“Uhm,” Misaki sipped her tea slowly, feeling the warmth settling in her stomach.
“Cabbage. Or ginger,” Tanya casually commented, earning her looks from her friends. Tanya tended to speak out odd things usually related to whatever they were talking about, although not necessarily related to the topics; it might be to something else others said while talking about the topic. For instance, they could be talking about their studies and their professors; suddenly Tanya talked about fishing, just because one of her professors once mentioned it to her.
“I mean, you can try eating cabbage or adding ginger to your tea,” fortunately, Tanya learned to elaborate, “My sister did that when she was having her first child.”
“Oh, really?” Sonia maintained the odd look at Tanya and Tanya gave her attention to her skeptical friend, so they failed to notice the slight tension that appeared on Misaki.
“Yup. She had this worst morning sickness ever, going to the bathroom every single morning, then feeling nauseous almost all the time. She nearly didn’t eat at all. Luc was so worried that he looked up for every way to make her eat, including cabbage and ginger. And it worked, my sister felt better. My stomach certainly felt better when I tried it.”
“You tried it?” Sonia gave an incredulous look.
“Well, the smell was kinda tempting, so thought I’d give it a try,” Tanya answered simply.
“You’re really something, aren’t you? You practically eat everything as long as it’s edible.”
“Hey, not everything!”
For once, Misaki was relieved that they returned to their bickering. She needed their attention away from her for a while to process this sudden thought that occurred to her when Tanya mentioned of her pregnant sister. It couldn’t be, could it? It was just one time.
However, she couldn’t dismiss the possibility easily. She’d been feeling unwell for sometime now. There were times she felt completely nauseous and was unable to drink or eat anything. It didn’t happen frequently so she paid little heed to it, being so focused in the completion of her studies. And most of all, she hadn’t had her period for weeks.
She had blamed it on the stress, it wasn’t the first time that she got late period due to mounting stress, but that was in the past, the circumstances were different now. She couldn’t be so sure anymore, considering what happened between her and Zero few weeks prior to the symptoms. She would be showing by now she knew, but there were women who didn’t show before their later months.
“Look! That’s Philippe!” Suddenly Tanya’s pitched squeal broke her out of her musing. And the three girls turned their heads at the direction of their friend’s gaze which fell upon a dark-haired man about their age walking with his friends, most likely students like they were.
“That’s the Philippe? The Philippe you’ve been talking about for these five months?” Sonia strained her eyes to have a better look at the man Tanya had been infatuated with.
Misaki gladly took the man that caught her friend’s eye and became an endless source of topic for the redhead as a distraction. Along with Sonia, she studied the man known as Philippe. He was pretty tall, as expected, taller than Tanya. Tanya had made it clear that she only wanted men who were taller than her, which wouldn’t be too difficult, considering Tanya’s height. He had his hair in that usual get-out-of-bed look that somehow worked on him. He was wearing a short-sleeved button up with jeans and Converse sneakers, looking completely laid back. He wasn’t bad looking, Misaki admitted, but finally got it when he laughed out loud at his friends’ antics.
Ah, that.
She looked at Tanya to see whether she was right, and she was. Tanya’s amber eyes seemed to sparkle at the sight of his carefree laugh and the dimples that followed. Her friend also had a thing for dimples, although she didn’t admit it.
“Not bad, but definitely not my type.” Misaki had expected that comment from Sonia, which pretty much translated: I didn’t think he was as great as you thought he was, but hey, it was not my problem. She thought that it was already pretty considerate of Sonia not to say it out loud, though it wouldn’t offend Tanya anymore.
It took a whole lot to impress Sonia, she had pretty high standards for the men she would date or simply go out with. It kind of helped that Sonia herself was pretty much a high standard herself, a straight A student of the best university in France with looks to die for. The first thing they had had to get used to when they had moved in together was the calls for Sonia that had never came from the same person and sometimes came at the oddest hours when they needed their sleep, which was the source of the great misunderstanding between Tanya and Sonia.
“He’s definitely your type,” Misaki told her opinion and was rewarded with such a bright and infectious smile that made her smile back at the infatuated girl.
“So… Have you tried asking him out?” Sonia leaned her chin on her hand, looking genuinely interested. Tanya seemed to deflate at this; a slight pout replaced her smile.
“I tried to, but he seemed to get it the wrong way,” Tanya sighed.
“Well, boys can be pretty dense at times,” Sonia stated this more as a fact.
“But you still have a chance, don’t you?” Misaki tried to lift her friend’s spirits up, “You’re pretty close to him.”
“Well yeah. Not as close as I wanted to, but I’m working on it.” From her tone of words, Misaki knew Tanya would be fine. “So how about you Misaki?”
“Huh?” Once again, Misaki was caught off guard with the sudden change of topics.
“Well, you know that this mean lady-” Tanya gestured at their dark-haired friend, who merely raised another eyebrow at the name calling, “-could get any date she wants pretty easily. How about you? Is there anyone you want to go out with?”
Misaki blinked few times, the question was certainly unexpected, but not entirely unexpected coming from Tanya. She had always been the more outspoken one when it came to things like this.
“I’m not interested in anyone,” Misaki answered carefully.
“Really? You have quite a share of admirers, you know?” Sonia butted in, then noticing the slight frown on her face, she elaborated, “The one who walked you home… that clean-cut guy, the one who went to offer you a ride to buy your stuff…”
“Ah I know him, Marte- Marti- Martinelli!” Tanya added.
“…the one who called you at home, that Dutch guy…”
“They’re just friends,” Misaki stopped Sonia; she didn’t need her friend to list all the guys who gave her more attention. She wasn’t that oblivious, but she couldn’t feel comfortable around them. Eventually she was forced to draw a line and fortunately they respected that.
“It’s not that they’re not nice, but I suppose it’s just… I don’t know, I don’t think we’ll be more…”
“Really? None of them? No one?” Tanya frowned, not quite believing that there was no one that caught her friend’s interest among those guys.
“How about that silver-haired guy? That high-school friend of yours,” Sonia didn’t miss a beat.
“Zero?” Misaki spoke his name without thinking, and nearly bit her tongue when she realized whose name she just said.
“You call him by name,” Sonia pointed out, “And he visited you far from Japan.”
“Because he had duties around here,” Misaki clarified, almost defensively. It had been a natural reaction whenever Sonia spoke of the hunter. There was always an underlying tone of disdain in her friend’s voice, despite the usual flat tone Sonia often adopted. Somehow, Sonia grew some sort of animosity towards the silver-haired man who did nothing but exchange few words with her. Until now, she still hadn't really figured it out.
“You spent a great deal of time with him when he came to visit,” Sonia brought forth another argument. In these times, she could tell the qualities that made Sonia a good diplomat and she could admire the keen observation her friend made, if only she wasn’t the subject.
“There aren’t many people I know around here, let alone from Japan. Of course, I did. Wouldn’t you if a friend of yours from Jordan came to visit?” Somehow she managed to say this with a straight face, although she knew that it was different.
Sonia looked at her for a moment, not saying anything, but eventually pursed her lips.
“I suppose,” the Jordanian shrugged.
From the tone alone Misaki knew Sonia didn’t fully buy her words, but she didn’t push, it was more than enough for her.
“You’re gonna tell us though, if you find someone you’re interested in,” Tanya tilted her head, posing the statement more like a question.
“Alright,” Misaki nodded in admission, but rather half-heartedly.
*
*
*
Later the fair-haired woman was seen walking on her own to the direction of her apartment with bags of groceries in her hands. After they decided to get back home, Misaki told the other girls to head first, telling them that she would buy some groceries first to make dinner for them, since the others had let her off the responsibility during the hectic weeks. The thought of Misaki’s cooking was enough for them to let her go on her own, most likely because they were already bored with each other’s cooking, considering they had limited recipes the three of them liked. She didn’t miss Sonia’s critical look when she told them that she would do the shopping by herself.
Sonia might be distant to others, but she was always aware of her surroundings. The awareness was rarely seen because she didn’t act upon it. She wouldn’t intrude on others, so she expected others would do the same to her. Sonia reminded her of a certain hunter in that respect. Her steps faltered at the thought.
And there it happened: her thoughts came back to him.
After that certain day, she tried hard not to think of him. She tried to get rid of him from her thoughts and heart. However, it was proven impossible in the first week when everything was still vivid in her mind and her body, the bruises were evident on her skin and that certain marks on her neck couldn’t be ignored that easily. During that healing period, she rarely left the apartment and started wearing more closed clothes, or at the least, closed tops with long sleeves and less open shoulders. She rarely wore her hair up anymore.
At first it was to hide her bruises, but eventually it became a habit. It became some sort of barrier or protection for her. Sometimes she wondered if she hadn’t exposed her neck so much that day, would’ve he still been tempted to drink her blood? Would other vampires be tempted to drink her blood too?
When she passed by a vampire in the streets in one of the days when she dared to go out, her initial reaction was to cover her neck and run, although she knew that the vampire would not harm her, not even noticing her. When she finally got back to the apartment safely, she realized how fast her heart was beating and how afraid she was. She always managed to keep herself calm, as it was important for an Aruda to remain in control of her own emotions, in order to maintain their judgment neutral and objective. In her mind, having such fears to the vampires was irrational and definitely imprudent, if she was to make interventions.
And then, there was when her friends returned from their holidays. She had looked forward for them, not wanting to be alone in the place where it happened. However, when Tanya came forward and hugged her tightly just like she always did, she couldn’t help but tensed up at the contact and nearly pushed her friend away when Tanya was about to greet her with bise on each cheek. It was only because of her tight rein on her emotions, honed by the years, that she didn’t give away her distress.
Not only she had irrational fears, she also had difficulty in physical contact. She forced herself to face them, daring herself to remain in the presence of vampires as long as she could, to initiate and receive physical contact. It was difficult, especially when her friends weren’t aware of her problems. However, it wasn’t something she was willing to share with.
She couldn't really explain of the real nature of Zero, of vampires and of hunters. She couldn't tell them completely what happened. She knew how they would react; they had become so close to each other that they were sisters in all but blood. She was afraid of their reaction. She was afraid that they would hate Zero.
It was odd, she thought, that she didn’t want them to hate Zero.
She should have hated Zero, if not already. But she didn’t, she couldn’t.
That day might tell her that she didn’t know everything about Zero, but everything didn’t mean she knew nothing of him. She knew for one thing the reason why he left without saying a word was not because of his lack of feelings, but because of his load of emotions. The state of herself was the testament to that, and then the state of the apartment.
She could see him in her mind, trying to clean up the mess, trying to undo his wrongdoings, trying to make things right, but finding himself failing and pulling himself further into himself. Her visions of him confirmed her of this. The sight of him that way broke her heart, because she was also at loss what to do.
Biting her lips to hold back the rising sob from her throat, she regulated her breathing to prevent her from breaking down in the middle of the street. When she finally regained some semblance of calm, her eyes stumbled on a certain signpost that made her freeze. For a while she only stood there, staring at the place until she reached a resolution and seemed to gather herself as she walked to the direction of the signpost.
“Good day. What can I help you?” A lady behind the counter immediately greeted her when she entered the clean and neat store.
“Can I have some pregnancy test packs, please?”
*
*
*
She didn’t touch the test packs after she bought it, hiding it in a drawer next to her bed and gave her full attention to the dinner preparation for tonight, leaving it momentarily forgotten. The dinner was a casual and comfortable affair. The three bantered with each other playfully, and ended up watching movies together while enjoying a liter of cookies ‘n cream-flavored ice cream together on the couch. She let herself relax and push the thoughts that kept coming back at the box she bought earlier and kept in her drawer, now that she found her appetite again.
“Let’s get to rest,” it was Sonia who broke the silence, “You haven’t had enough rest lately.” She gave Misaki that scolding look that told her that she would not accept any protest.
“We’ll take care of the dishes,” Tanya chirped, pulling her up from the couch, away from the kitchen and the dining room.
“But-” her first reaction was as they expected, she always tended to help her friends with the dishes, whether it was her schedule or not.
Sonia simply pushed her from the back, “No, no, no… No protesting.”
“Alright, alright!” Misaki flailed her hands, giving up. She knew that this was not a fight that she could win. “I’ll have a long nice bath and then I’ll go to sleep. Okay?”
“Sounds good,” the two friends with different personality nodded approvingly together in one of the rare times they agreed on something, to her surprise and amusement. Trying to avoid further disagreement, she immediately went to her room to take her necessities and went into the bathroom.
After turning on the water tap, as she waited for the tub to fill, she took out a box slipped between the folds of the towel she carried. She opened the box after few moments of hesitation then she pulled out two test packs.
She sat on the toilet seat motionlessly; her hands were clenching and unclenching nervously on her lap. She didn’t know what to expect, she didn’t know how she felt about all of this. She was tempted to see the future, but she knew that the future she saw would do little to help her. The future she saw could give her directions, telling her what she should do, but it couldn’t tell her how she should feel.
The sounds of the water leaking out of the tub broke her train of thoughts; she immediately stopped the water before it could spill all over the tiles. When she absently returned to the sink to dry her hands, barely aware of the test packs by the sink, her eyes fell on the two and the signs that appeared on it. Her eyes widened in surprise, her throat involuntarily closed, letting out a strangled gasp. Her hand tried to muffle the sounds coming from her, while the other instinctively went above her stomach.
She could not remove her eyes from the two blue strips appeared on each of the test packs, even as she slowly staggered backward and fell on her knees. The coldness of the bathroom tiles bit the exposed skin of her legs, telling her that it was completely real.
She was pregnant.
Her child…
…And Zero’s.
She sat on the cold floor of the bathroom, completely stunned with the unexpected twist in her life. She usually could see things happening, or at least feel it enough to give her any warning, but there were times when she couldn’t see anything, especially when it came to herself. She tended to avoid seeing her own future when she could. She wondered whether it was best for her not to do so anymore, that she failed to see this coming.
Fear gripped her as she thought of the changes this would bring to her. She was still studying and living abroad, away from her homeland where it was more familiar and safe compared to where she was. She wondered how she would give birth to this child and raise him. And she wondered whether and how she would tell the father of her child or not.
Suddenly she saw flashes of image in her mind, so fast and sudden that it completely caught her off guard, nearly making her tumble forward. When it was over, her eyes were wide and her hands were wound around her abdomen protectively.
Twins. It’s twins.
She repeated those words to herself in a mixture of awe and disbelief. She could not shake the image of two young children looking at her with her very own eyes and their startling resemblance with Zero.
Another pair of Kiryuu twins…
She never heard of successive twins in two generations of Kiryuu family. Twins themselves were a rarity in the family of hunters that was the reason the Kiryuu twins were so renowned. She did have a lineage of twins in her family, though.
Her mother was a twin herself, although her aunt didn’t live long enough through childhood. Both of them were weak-bodied, it was a miracle that her mother managed to live long enough to marry and have five healthy children before her health finally declined after giving birth to her, to her last child.
She had heard somewhere that the chances of women having twins were higher when their mother was twins herself. It seemed that it was true. However, she didn’t expect to have Kiryuu twins just in her first time. Slowly tears sprang to her eyes and rolled down on her cheeks unbidden. For the first time in a long time, she was completely at loss.
*
*
*
Zero walked down the hallways of the base of Hunters Association that he grew to know as well as the back of his own hand. It was late midnight; the halls were dark and deserted. The only lighting was provided by the burning torches attached to the stone walls whose dancing fire made the shadows around it moved, including his own. But it didn’t bother him the slightest bit, he kept moving noiselessly along the pathway, blending perfectly with the shadows as if he was a mere illusion.
Sometimes he hated this certain aspect of vampire that made him prefer the nights to the days, kept him awake in such late hours, lessened his need to sleep where he could escape from reality for once. However, his sleep was no longer peaceful, no longer providing the escape he needed. He kept dreaming of that day, of that night with her.
He would remember the time when she walked by his side, talking about nothing and everything. When she looked around her with such wide eyes, her cheeks slightly flushed, her lips formed in content smile. When she was so close to him that her shoulders brushed with his. When she looked at him with such patience and understanding that made him completely at ease.
He always had that dream, but it never stopped there. He could never truly recall what happened after the sudden hunger that came over him. However, when he fell asleep, he found himself starting to remember every single details of what he did to her. When he woke up, everything eluded him once again. And that was what happened, over and over again.
He might not remember what happened that night, but he certainly remembered the torrent of feelings coursing through him so strong that nearly overwhelmed him.
Hunger. Satisfaction. Desperation. Excitement. Lust. Longing. Desire. Pleasure.
And what horrified him most was there was no guilt or remorse among those feelings. He actually took pleasure of his doing!
How could she forgive him? How could he forgive himself!
The moment he returned from Paris, he headed back to his apartment that wasn’t far from the headquarters before going to his office to assume his duties. He ended up tearing apart his apartment, throwing every single thing he found against the wall or the floors, tearing the curtains and wallpapers, breaking the glass and porcelains until there was nothing left, but his anger. And to vent it out, he resorted on punching the walls until his hands were bruised and battered.
When the anger ebbed away, he was slumped against the wall tiredly in the destroyed apartment, pain and anguish made themselves known, replacing the released anger. He didn’t know how long he sat there on the floor, breathing heavily, looking blankly at nowhere. He felt like crying, but he had forgotten how it felt to cry, to have tears running down his face. He didn’t deserve such luxury.
In the end, he chose to throw himself to his work, trying to occupy himself as much as possible so he couldn’t and wouldn’t think of her. He knew that Cross and Yagari were greatly concerned with his behavior but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for their help. This was something he must fully bear by himself.
What scared him most from that night was not what he did, but it was what he nearly did.
He nearly killed her.
She nearly died, because of him.
And the thought of losing her because of him was so unbearable that he wanted to die. The only thing held him back was his sense of responsibility and the people he still cared about.
He could recall every single mark and every single bruise on her body until this day. He could recall the paleness and coldness of her skin, the shallow breathing and the faint heartbeat against his fingertips. He could recall the stillness and the lightness of her body as he carried her.
But he also recalled the slight brush with her lips when he gave her the tablet.
He could recall the softness of her lips against his. And there were times when he absently touched his lips when that memory came up. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help it. It was what he had left of her.
Because of the nightmares, sleep didn’t come easily to him. Usually when he overworked himself he would find himself asleep in dreamless sleep and awake in the morning. The thoughts of her rarely came when it was mornings somehow. However, this time he found himself awake few hours before dawn, and he couldn’t bring himself to sleep nor to continue working, so here he was, walking along in the dark hallways aimlessly, trying not to think.
Whenever he felt like this, he would call her or come to her. And she would comfort him by her own way just by simple words, by simple action that always managed to give him the answer he needed although it might take time for him to realize it.
It made him realize how much that he relied on her, and in a way, more than he used to rely on Yuuki, because he rarely sought Yuuki when he needed her, but he sought Misaki when he needed her. It only made it worse for him when he thought of this. It made his mistake much worse.
He missed her.
Painfully so.
*
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*
A feminine figure could be seen sitting in the bathtub; her body was hunched forward, her arms hugged her abdomen protectively, her eyes were red-rimmed, her cheeks were wet. She didn’t know how long she had been in that position. It could be seconds or minutes or hours, if the lack of feeling on her legs was any indication. She ended up crying again after trying hard to compose herself at this surprising turn of event.
She wanted to laugh at herself, seeing the state she was in. She had been through so many ordeals in her life and managed to smile through it, yet this matter involving Zero seemed to always manage to get her in tears. She wiped her eyes with one hand.
She learned to keep herself as detached as possible in most ordeals she encountered, but what happened to her now, it was impossible to be detached about. It was regarding her own feelings and her own flesh and blood. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t afraid. She was afraid for herself who was unprepared for motherhood. She was also deathly afraid of the fate of her children.
The future she saw of them already made her worried of their well being. She wasn’t sure whether she would be able to prevent the future she had seen on her own. She had failed to prevent this from happening, how would she prevent her children’s fate?
She knew her own limits; especially this wouldn’t be just any stranger or any other person’s fate that she had to intervene with. She saw him in her vision, but she didn’t know how he would end up in their future.
It didn’t matter, she thought to herself, shedding the remains of tears on her face. It was still in faraway future, she had to make sure she carried her children to term first. The future was still uncertain, and her children might not the children she expected. If Zero was meant to be a part of their future, then it shall be it.
There were times when it was best to let time run its own course without any interference. She thought this was one of those times. She stared on her own hands beneath the scented water and suddenly she splashed the warm water into her face.
Come what may.
Her clear blue eyes that were once filled with fear and uncertainty retained its radiance once again, glimmering with quiet resolve and familiar calm.
Rating: T
Word Count: 6,022
Characters/Pairings: Zero, Misaki, and more OCs
Notes: With this chapter, more exploration of the world of VK and more problems arise from the single mistake done. Also posted on FFnet.
Previous chapter: Prologue
When spring arrived, Parisians had a long and withstanding tradition to head towards their favorite cafes to while away the day on a sunny pavement terrace --a Gallic ritual that began with a cup of strong black coffee in the morning, followed by a kir or pastis at lunchtime, and then chilled rose or a ballon de blanc for the evening apero-- and it was a tradition that was more often than not adopted by the foreign students who were currently pursuing their studies in the well-known city. Two of the three young ladies who were currently sitting on the pavement terrace of a small café were a testament to that.
The two possessed distinctive features that identified their foreign origins, unlike their redhead companion who possessed features easily recognized in Parisians. One was a dark-haired beauty with a unique complexion that one usually found in Eastern Europe with a sharp nose and thin lips and a perfect face. The other was more of Western European descent with her blonde hair and blue eyes, but there was a touch of Asia in her features. Despite the distinctive features, it was difficult to precisely identify their nationalities.
Back in olden times, when the world was ruled by monarchs, people and cultures came together and eventually learned to live together side by side while retaining their identities or create completely new cultures that couldn’t be found in any other places. The reign of a monarchy often reached far and beyond their own territory, sometimes crossing seas and oceans. As such, the nations and continents that we knew of now barely existed, allowing people to make journeys from one part of the world to another while bringing along their culture. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence to find a person whom by all appearance should be of a certain nation in actuality was of another. It wouldn’t be a surprise if the supposedly foreign students later revealed to be nothing foreign.
However, in this case, the two of the three students were actually of foreign nationalities. The dark-haired one was of Jordan, one of the nations that was well-known for its women’s beauty. She was wearing a simple blouse and knee-length skirt with a slit on the side, so when she crossed her legs, one could admire those finely-shaped long legs. While the fair-haired one was of Japan. She was wearing a beige turtleneck shirt with a white pleated skirt that reached just past her knees, watching the arguments between the dark-haired Jordanian and red-headed Parisian in amusement.
Misaki couldn’t hide her smile watching the sarcastic remarks that wasn’t expected to come from someone as beautiful as Sonia and the annoyed retorts from Tanya who had resorted to cruder French that only natives could get away with. They always made quite a scene, the three of them together, with their contrasting features and personalities. Who would have thought they would end up as best friends?
It all started from one single apartment, the very apartment they now shared together. The three of them fell in love with the apartment, not only because of its strategic position that was not far from their universities and the wonderful environment filled with warm people, but also of the apartment itself. They knew they couldn’t afford the apartment, but they never quite stopped hoping that they could, until she met Sonia by accident and came up with the idea of roommates. And so the three of them got together and move in to the apartment.
The early days were filled with uncomfortable silences and awkward interactions, Sonia being the distant person she was, and her being the shy person she was, both of them were rarely the one who opened up first, at least not without some push. And that push came in form of the cheerful Tanya who ceaselessly tried to get them know each other.
At first, Tanya clashed badly with Sonia who rebuffed every single attempt she made after a huge misunderstanding in their early relationship. Eventually Misaki decided to get involved, not wanting to live under the strained atmosphere until she graduated. She managed to smooth things over, being the middle ground between the two strong personalities, but it took quite a while for them to finally get comfortable with each other and become friends as they were now. Now, the two’s arguments were more of a playful banter between friends, despite the strong words.
Really. Sometimes she wondered how she ended up with them, of all people.
“Guys, could you stop arguing?” Misaki spoke up after they were about to start another argument, knowing that the other would try to even the score. As much as she found amusement in their arguments, sometimes it grated her nerves, especially when she was tired after finishing the course load for this semester. She felt really tired after a certain project required for the completion of the semester that took a lot out of her.
At this interruption, the two immediately moved their attention to the third party and didn’t fail to notice the slightly pinched look in their friend’s face.
“Ah sorry, Misaki,” Tanya was quick to apologize, her face didn’t conceal her concern.
“Are you alright?” Sonia’s green eyes seemed to bore through her, the same look she usually reserved for most difficult people. It made her quite uneasy and unnerved at first, but Misaki was getting used to it.
“I just want to sit back and relax,” Misaki waved her hand dismissively, “As much as I enjoy your banter, I’m not currently in the mood. I have a different way to relieve my stress.”
That statement earned chuckles from the other two who didn’t deny that their arguments were indeed one of their ways to relieve the stress after the hectic semester. Sonia had a major disagreement with one of her professors. Sonia had a way of rubbing people the wrong way, the same way she could easily charm them. Being the perfectionist she was, Sonia rather obsessed in proving him wrong and she became hard to live with, Misaki and Tanya had to carefully tread around her until she finally settled down. Tanya had family problems that required her to switch back and forth between her hometown and Paris, nearly disrupting her studies.
“Yeah, that’s one hell of a semester,” Tanya seemed to be thinking of the same thing.
“Agreed,” Sonia quipped, for agreeing with the sentiment and for the sake of catching Tanya off guard for agreeing with her, when they rarely agreed on anything. It had the intended effect on Tanya, and Misaki saw the satisfied glint in the future diplomat’s eyes. Misaki inwardly sighed, Sonia really had a habit of pushing people’s buttons. It was a wonder how she could get away so easily.
“Excuse me,” a waiter appeared next to their table, “Cappuccino.”
“That’s me,” Sonia spoke up.
“Cold dark and white chocolate.”
“Mine!” Tanya quipped, while Sonia had a look of disbelief that made Misaki chuckle. Not only the redhead had sweet tooth, she also had quite an appetite that couldn’t be seen with her slim figure, a fact that Sonia could hardly get over. It might be partly because Sonia had to work harder to keep her figure.
“Chamomile tea.”
“Bitter?” Misaki asked the waiter.
“Bitter,” the waiter confirmed.
“Thank you,” the fair-haired young woman accepted the warm cup with a smile.
“Bitter?” that caught the attention of her tablemates, knowing her tea preference. It was rather unheard of her to ask for a bitter tea.
“My stomach doesn’t cooperate with me lately.”
“You tend to skip your meals when you’re working on projects,” Sonia observed calmly, sipping her beverage elegantly, which was almost how she did everything.
“That might be it,” Misaki admitted.
“Have you taken anything for it?” Tanya asked, tasting the sweet foam floating on the top of the glass.
“Uhm,” Misaki sipped her tea slowly, feeling the warmth settling in her stomach.
“Cabbage. Or ginger,” Tanya casually commented, earning her looks from her friends. Tanya tended to speak out odd things usually related to whatever they were talking about, although not necessarily related to the topics; it might be to something else others said while talking about the topic. For instance, they could be talking about their studies and their professors; suddenly Tanya talked about fishing, just because one of her professors once mentioned it to her.
“I mean, you can try eating cabbage or adding ginger to your tea,” fortunately, Tanya learned to elaborate, “My sister did that when she was having her first child.”
“Oh, really?” Sonia maintained the odd look at Tanya and Tanya gave her attention to her skeptical friend, so they failed to notice the slight tension that appeared on Misaki.
“Yup. She had this worst morning sickness ever, going to the bathroom every single morning, then feeling nauseous almost all the time. She nearly didn’t eat at all. Luc was so worried that he looked up for every way to make her eat, including cabbage and ginger. And it worked, my sister felt better. My stomach certainly felt better when I tried it.”
“You tried it?” Sonia gave an incredulous look.
“Well, the smell was kinda tempting, so thought I’d give it a try,” Tanya answered simply.
“You’re really something, aren’t you? You practically eat everything as long as it’s edible.”
“Hey, not everything!”
For once, Misaki was relieved that they returned to their bickering. She needed their attention away from her for a while to process this sudden thought that occurred to her when Tanya mentioned of her pregnant sister. It couldn’t be, could it? It was just one time.
However, she couldn’t dismiss the possibility easily. She’d been feeling unwell for sometime now. There were times she felt completely nauseous and was unable to drink or eat anything. It didn’t happen frequently so she paid little heed to it, being so focused in the completion of her studies. And most of all, she hadn’t had her period for weeks.
She had blamed it on the stress, it wasn’t the first time that she got late period due to mounting stress, but that was in the past, the circumstances were different now. She couldn’t be so sure anymore, considering what happened between her and Zero few weeks prior to the symptoms. She would be showing by now she knew, but there were women who didn’t show before their later months.
“Look! That’s Philippe!” Suddenly Tanya’s pitched squeal broke her out of her musing. And the three girls turned their heads at the direction of their friend’s gaze which fell upon a dark-haired man about their age walking with his friends, most likely students like they were.
“That’s the Philippe? The Philippe you’ve been talking about for these five months?” Sonia strained her eyes to have a better look at the man Tanya had been infatuated with.
Misaki gladly took the man that caught her friend’s eye and became an endless source of topic for the redhead as a distraction. Along with Sonia, she studied the man known as Philippe. He was pretty tall, as expected, taller than Tanya. Tanya had made it clear that she only wanted men who were taller than her, which wouldn’t be too difficult, considering Tanya’s height. He had his hair in that usual get-out-of-bed look that somehow worked on him. He was wearing a short-sleeved button up with jeans and Converse sneakers, looking completely laid back. He wasn’t bad looking, Misaki admitted, but finally got it when he laughed out loud at his friends’ antics.
Ah, that.
She looked at Tanya to see whether she was right, and she was. Tanya’s amber eyes seemed to sparkle at the sight of his carefree laugh and the dimples that followed. Her friend also had a thing for dimples, although she didn’t admit it.
“Not bad, but definitely not my type.” Misaki had expected that comment from Sonia, which pretty much translated: I didn’t think he was as great as you thought he was, but hey, it was not my problem. She thought that it was already pretty considerate of Sonia not to say it out loud, though it wouldn’t offend Tanya anymore.
It took a whole lot to impress Sonia, she had pretty high standards for the men she would date or simply go out with. It kind of helped that Sonia herself was pretty much a high standard herself, a straight A student of the best university in France with looks to die for. The first thing they had had to get used to when they had moved in together was the calls for Sonia that had never came from the same person and sometimes came at the oddest hours when they needed their sleep, which was the source of the great misunderstanding between Tanya and Sonia.
“He’s definitely your type,” Misaki told her opinion and was rewarded with such a bright and infectious smile that made her smile back at the infatuated girl.
“So… Have you tried asking him out?” Sonia leaned her chin on her hand, looking genuinely interested. Tanya seemed to deflate at this; a slight pout replaced her smile.
“I tried to, but he seemed to get it the wrong way,” Tanya sighed.
“Well, boys can be pretty dense at times,” Sonia stated this more as a fact.
“But you still have a chance, don’t you?” Misaki tried to lift her friend’s spirits up, “You’re pretty close to him.”
“Well yeah. Not as close as I wanted to, but I’m working on it.” From her tone of words, Misaki knew Tanya would be fine. “So how about you Misaki?”
“Huh?” Once again, Misaki was caught off guard with the sudden change of topics.
“Well, you know that this mean lady-” Tanya gestured at their dark-haired friend, who merely raised another eyebrow at the name calling, “-could get any date she wants pretty easily. How about you? Is there anyone you want to go out with?”
Misaki blinked few times, the question was certainly unexpected, but not entirely unexpected coming from Tanya. She had always been the more outspoken one when it came to things like this.
“I’m not interested in anyone,” Misaki answered carefully.
“Really? You have quite a share of admirers, you know?” Sonia butted in, then noticing the slight frown on her face, she elaborated, “The one who walked you home… that clean-cut guy, the one who went to offer you a ride to buy your stuff…”
“Ah I know him, Marte- Marti- Martinelli!” Tanya added.
“…the one who called you at home, that Dutch guy…”
“They’re just friends,” Misaki stopped Sonia; she didn’t need her friend to list all the guys who gave her more attention. She wasn’t that oblivious, but she couldn’t feel comfortable around them. Eventually she was forced to draw a line and fortunately they respected that.
“It’s not that they’re not nice, but I suppose it’s just… I don’t know, I don’t think we’ll be more…”
“Really? None of them? No one?” Tanya frowned, not quite believing that there was no one that caught her friend’s interest among those guys.
“How about that silver-haired guy? That high-school friend of yours,” Sonia didn’t miss a beat.
“Zero?” Misaki spoke his name without thinking, and nearly bit her tongue when she realized whose name she just said.
“You call him by name,” Sonia pointed out, “And he visited you far from Japan.”
“Because he had duties around here,” Misaki clarified, almost defensively. It had been a natural reaction whenever Sonia spoke of the hunter. There was always an underlying tone of disdain in her friend’s voice, despite the usual flat tone Sonia often adopted. Somehow, Sonia grew some sort of animosity towards the silver-haired man who did nothing but exchange few words with her. Until now, she still hadn't really figured it out.
“You spent a great deal of time with him when he came to visit,” Sonia brought forth another argument. In these times, she could tell the qualities that made Sonia a good diplomat and she could admire the keen observation her friend made, if only she wasn’t the subject.
“There aren’t many people I know around here, let alone from Japan. Of course, I did. Wouldn’t you if a friend of yours from Jordan came to visit?” Somehow she managed to say this with a straight face, although she knew that it was different.
Sonia looked at her for a moment, not saying anything, but eventually pursed her lips.
“I suppose,” the Jordanian shrugged.
From the tone alone Misaki knew Sonia didn’t fully buy her words, but she didn’t push, it was more than enough for her.
“You’re gonna tell us though, if you find someone you’re interested in,” Tanya tilted her head, posing the statement more like a question.
“Alright,” Misaki nodded in admission, but rather half-heartedly.
*
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*
Later the fair-haired woman was seen walking on her own to the direction of her apartment with bags of groceries in her hands. After they decided to get back home, Misaki told the other girls to head first, telling them that she would buy some groceries first to make dinner for them, since the others had let her off the responsibility during the hectic weeks. The thought of Misaki’s cooking was enough for them to let her go on her own, most likely because they were already bored with each other’s cooking, considering they had limited recipes the three of them liked. She didn’t miss Sonia’s critical look when she told them that she would do the shopping by herself.
Sonia might be distant to others, but she was always aware of her surroundings. The awareness was rarely seen because she didn’t act upon it. She wouldn’t intrude on others, so she expected others would do the same to her. Sonia reminded her of a certain hunter in that respect. Her steps faltered at the thought.
And there it happened: her thoughts came back to him.
After that certain day, she tried hard not to think of him. She tried to get rid of him from her thoughts and heart. However, it was proven impossible in the first week when everything was still vivid in her mind and her body, the bruises were evident on her skin and that certain marks on her neck couldn’t be ignored that easily. During that healing period, she rarely left the apartment and started wearing more closed clothes, or at the least, closed tops with long sleeves and less open shoulders. She rarely wore her hair up anymore.
At first it was to hide her bruises, but eventually it became a habit. It became some sort of barrier or protection for her. Sometimes she wondered if she hadn’t exposed her neck so much that day, would’ve he still been tempted to drink her blood? Would other vampires be tempted to drink her blood too?
When she passed by a vampire in the streets in one of the days when she dared to go out, her initial reaction was to cover her neck and run, although she knew that the vampire would not harm her, not even noticing her. When she finally got back to the apartment safely, she realized how fast her heart was beating and how afraid she was. She always managed to keep herself calm, as it was important for an Aruda to remain in control of her own emotions, in order to maintain their judgment neutral and objective. In her mind, having such fears to the vampires was irrational and definitely imprudent, if she was to make interventions.
And then, there was when her friends returned from their holidays. She had looked forward for them, not wanting to be alone in the place where it happened. However, when Tanya came forward and hugged her tightly just like she always did, she couldn’t help but tensed up at the contact and nearly pushed her friend away when Tanya was about to greet her with bise on each cheek. It was only because of her tight rein on her emotions, honed by the years, that she didn’t give away her distress.
Not only she had irrational fears, she also had difficulty in physical contact. She forced herself to face them, daring herself to remain in the presence of vampires as long as she could, to initiate and receive physical contact. It was difficult, especially when her friends weren’t aware of her problems. However, it wasn’t something she was willing to share with.
She couldn't really explain of the real nature of Zero, of vampires and of hunters. She couldn't tell them completely what happened. She knew how they would react; they had become so close to each other that they were sisters in all but blood. She was afraid of their reaction. She was afraid that they would hate Zero.
It was odd, she thought, that she didn’t want them to hate Zero.
She should have hated Zero, if not already. But she didn’t, she couldn’t.
That day might tell her that she didn’t know everything about Zero, but everything didn’t mean she knew nothing of him. She knew for one thing the reason why he left without saying a word was not because of his lack of feelings, but because of his load of emotions. The state of herself was the testament to that, and then the state of the apartment.
She could see him in her mind, trying to clean up the mess, trying to undo his wrongdoings, trying to make things right, but finding himself failing and pulling himself further into himself. Her visions of him confirmed her of this. The sight of him that way broke her heart, because she was also at loss what to do.
Biting her lips to hold back the rising sob from her throat, she regulated her breathing to prevent her from breaking down in the middle of the street. When she finally regained some semblance of calm, her eyes stumbled on a certain signpost that made her freeze. For a while she only stood there, staring at the place until she reached a resolution and seemed to gather herself as she walked to the direction of the signpost.
“Good day. What can I help you?” A lady behind the counter immediately greeted her when she entered the clean and neat store.
“Can I have some pregnancy test packs, please?”
*
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*
She didn’t touch the test packs after she bought it, hiding it in a drawer next to her bed and gave her full attention to the dinner preparation for tonight, leaving it momentarily forgotten. The dinner was a casual and comfortable affair. The three bantered with each other playfully, and ended up watching movies together while enjoying a liter of cookies ‘n cream-flavored ice cream together on the couch. She let herself relax and push the thoughts that kept coming back at the box she bought earlier and kept in her drawer, now that she found her appetite again.
“Let’s get to rest,” it was Sonia who broke the silence, “You haven’t had enough rest lately.” She gave Misaki that scolding look that told her that she would not accept any protest.
“We’ll take care of the dishes,” Tanya chirped, pulling her up from the couch, away from the kitchen and the dining room.
“But-” her first reaction was as they expected, she always tended to help her friends with the dishes, whether it was her schedule or not.
Sonia simply pushed her from the back, “No, no, no… No protesting.”
“Alright, alright!” Misaki flailed her hands, giving up. She knew that this was not a fight that she could win. “I’ll have a long nice bath and then I’ll go to sleep. Okay?”
“Sounds good,” the two friends with different personality nodded approvingly together in one of the rare times they agreed on something, to her surprise and amusement. Trying to avoid further disagreement, she immediately went to her room to take her necessities and went into the bathroom.
After turning on the water tap, as she waited for the tub to fill, she took out a box slipped between the folds of the towel she carried. She opened the box after few moments of hesitation then she pulled out two test packs.
She sat on the toilet seat motionlessly; her hands were clenching and unclenching nervously on her lap. She didn’t know what to expect, she didn’t know how she felt about all of this. She was tempted to see the future, but she knew that the future she saw would do little to help her. The future she saw could give her directions, telling her what she should do, but it couldn’t tell her how she should feel.
The sounds of the water leaking out of the tub broke her train of thoughts; she immediately stopped the water before it could spill all over the tiles. When she absently returned to the sink to dry her hands, barely aware of the test packs by the sink, her eyes fell on the two and the signs that appeared on it. Her eyes widened in surprise, her throat involuntarily closed, letting out a strangled gasp. Her hand tried to muffle the sounds coming from her, while the other instinctively went above her stomach.
She could not remove her eyes from the two blue strips appeared on each of the test packs, even as she slowly staggered backward and fell on her knees. The coldness of the bathroom tiles bit the exposed skin of her legs, telling her that it was completely real.
She was pregnant.
Her child…
…And Zero’s.
She sat on the cold floor of the bathroom, completely stunned with the unexpected twist in her life. She usually could see things happening, or at least feel it enough to give her any warning, but there were times when she couldn’t see anything, especially when it came to herself. She tended to avoid seeing her own future when she could. She wondered whether it was best for her not to do so anymore, that she failed to see this coming.
Fear gripped her as she thought of the changes this would bring to her. She was still studying and living abroad, away from her homeland where it was more familiar and safe compared to where she was. She wondered how she would give birth to this child and raise him. And she wondered whether and how she would tell the father of her child or not.
Suddenly she saw flashes of image in her mind, so fast and sudden that it completely caught her off guard, nearly making her tumble forward. When it was over, her eyes were wide and her hands were wound around her abdomen protectively.
Twins. It’s twins.
She repeated those words to herself in a mixture of awe and disbelief. She could not shake the image of two young children looking at her with her very own eyes and their startling resemblance with Zero.
Another pair of Kiryuu twins…
She never heard of successive twins in two generations of Kiryuu family. Twins themselves were a rarity in the family of hunters that was the reason the Kiryuu twins were so renowned. She did have a lineage of twins in her family, though.
Her mother was a twin herself, although her aunt didn’t live long enough through childhood. Both of them were weak-bodied, it was a miracle that her mother managed to live long enough to marry and have five healthy children before her health finally declined after giving birth to her, to her last child.
She had heard somewhere that the chances of women having twins were higher when their mother was twins herself. It seemed that it was true. However, she didn’t expect to have Kiryuu twins just in her first time. Slowly tears sprang to her eyes and rolled down on her cheeks unbidden. For the first time in a long time, she was completely at loss.
*
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*
Zero walked down the hallways of the base of Hunters Association that he grew to know as well as the back of his own hand. It was late midnight; the halls were dark and deserted. The only lighting was provided by the burning torches attached to the stone walls whose dancing fire made the shadows around it moved, including his own. But it didn’t bother him the slightest bit, he kept moving noiselessly along the pathway, blending perfectly with the shadows as if he was a mere illusion.
Sometimes he hated this certain aspect of vampire that made him prefer the nights to the days, kept him awake in such late hours, lessened his need to sleep where he could escape from reality for once. However, his sleep was no longer peaceful, no longer providing the escape he needed. He kept dreaming of that day, of that night with her.
He would remember the time when she walked by his side, talking about nothing and everything. When she looked around her with such wide eyes, her cheeks slightly flushed, her lips formed in content smile. When she was so close to him that her shoulders brushed with his. When she looked at him with such patience and understanding that made him completely at ease.
He always had that dream, but it never stopped there. He could never truly recall what happened after the sudden hunger that came over him. However, when he fell asleep, he found himself starting to remember every single details of what he did to her. When he woke up, everything eluded him once again. And that was what happened, over and over again.
He might not remember what happened that night, but he certainly remembered the torrent of feelings coursing through him so strong that nearly overwhelmed him.
Hunger. Satisfaction. Desperation. Excitement. Lust. Longing. Desire. Pleasure.
And what horrified him most was there was no guilt or remorse among those feelings. He actually took pleasure of his doing!
How could she forgive him? How could he forgive himself!
The moment he returned from Paris, he headed back to his apartment that wasn’t far from the headquarters before going to his office to assume his duties. He ended up tearing apart his apartment, throwing every single thing he found against the wall or the floors, tearing the curtains and wallpapers, breaking the glass and porcelains until there was nothing left, but his anger. And to vent it out, he resorted on punching the walls until his hands were bruised and battered.
When the anger ebbed away, he was slumped against the wall tiredly in the destroyed apartment, pain and anguish made themselves known, replacing the released anger. He didn’t know how long he sat there on the floor, breathing heavily, looking blankly at nowhere. He felt like crying, but he had forgotten how it felt to cry, to have tears running down his face. He didn’t deserve such luxury.
In the end, he chose to throw himself to his work, trying to occupy himself as much as possible so he couldn’t and wouldn’t think of her. He knew that Cross and Yagari were greatly concerned with his behavior but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for their help. This was something he must fully bear by himself.
What scared him most from that night was not what he did, but it was what he nearly did.
He nearly killed her.
She nearly died, because of him.
And the thought of losing her because of him was so unbearable that he wanted to die. The only thing held him back was his sense of responsibility and the people he still cared about.
He could recall every single mark and every single bruise on her body until this day. He could recall the paleness and coldness of her skin, the shallow breathing and the faint heartbeat against his fingertips. He could recall the stillness and the lightness of her body as he carried her.
But he also recalled the slight brush with her lips when he gave her the tablet.
He could recall the softness of her lips against his. And there were times when he absently touched his lips when that memory came up. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help it. It was what he had left of her.
Because of the nightmares, sleep didn’t come easily to him. Usually when he overworked himself he would find himself asleep in dreamless sleep and awake in the morning. The thoughts of her rarely came when it was mornings somehow. However, this time he found himself awake few hours before dawn, and he couldn’t bring himself to sleep nor to continue working, so here he was, walking along in the dark hallways aimlessly, trying not to think.
Whenever he felt like this, he would call her or come to her. And she would comfort him by her own way just by simple words, by simple action that always managed to give him the answer he needed although it might take time for him to realize it.
It made him realize how much that he relied on her, and in a way, more than he used to rely on Yuuki, because he rarely sought Yuuki when he needed her, but he sought Misaki when he needed her. It only made it worse for him when he thought of this. It made his mistake much worse.
He missed her.
Painfully so.
*
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*
A feminine figure could be seen sitting in the bathtub; her body was hunched forward, her arms hugged her abdomen protectively, her eyes were red-rimmed, her cheeks were wet. She didn’t know how long she had been in that position. It could be seconds or minutes or hours, if the lack of feeling on her legs was any indication. She ended up crying again after trying hard to compose herself at this surprising turn of event.
She wanted to laugh at herself, seeing the state she was in. She had been through so many ordeals in her life and managed to smile through it, yet this matter involving Zero seemed to always manage to get her in tears. She wiped her eyes with one hand.
She learned to keep herself as detached as possible in most ordeals she encountered, but what happened to her now, it was impossible to be detached about. It was regarding her own feelings and her own flesh and blood. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t afraid. She was afraid for herself who was unprepared for motherhood. She was also deathly afraid of the fate of her children.
The future she saw of them already made her worried of their well being. She wasn’t sure whether she would be able to prevent the future she had seen on her own. She had failed to prevent this from happening, how would she prevent her children’s fate?
She knew her own limits; especially this wouldn’t be just any stranger or any other person’s fate that she had to intervene with. She saw him in her vision, but she didn’t know how he would end up in their future.
It didn’t matter, she thought to herself, shedding the remains of tears on her face. It was still in faraway future, she had to make sure she carried her children to term first. The future was still uncertain, and her children might not the children she expected. If Zero was meant to be a part of their future, then it shall be it.
There were times when it was best to let time run its own course without any interference. She thought this was one of those times. She stared on her own hands beneath the scented water and suddenly she splashed the warm water into her face.
Come what may.
Her clear blue eyes that were once filled with fear and uncertainty retained its radiance once again, glimmering with quiet resolve and familiar calm.