Comments | lilcougar: Brigit’s Flame - June 2009 - Week 1

lilcougar

Brigit’s Flame - June 2009 - Week 1 - The Ranch

Jun 07, 2009 01:10

RanchSarah had worked with Robert for a number of years. He was actually 10 years her senior, and her boss. When the new parent company forced layoffs, Sarah was one of the last to go. She and Robert kept in touch for quite a while by email, until one day he suggested meeting for dinner. He’d retired to his ranch, and still did some consulting ( Read more... )

Comments 3

One of your editors transitiongodin June 12 2009, 09:12:30 UTC

My edit is merely suggestions. Take them with a grain of salt or sugar as you please.

"He was actually 10 years her senior, and her boss."
try removing "actually"
With it left in it seems like too many words to convey your point. your point is that he is 10 years her senior and her boss. For the character this isn't news, isn't a surprise. In this piece it shouldn't be for the reader, it should just be fact.

"Robert and Sarah met for dinner, and had a fabulous time."
Here, I'm suggesting you show us their fabulous time instead of telling us it happened or is happening. The reader often needs to see things instead of be told.

"Sarah’s son had just turned 25 (she was now 48 to Robert’s 58), and was living with a terrific girl, albeit a bit of a personification of a typical blonde at times. Robert had a boy and a girl, both with kids of their own."This bit seems unnecessary. If we don't meet Sarah kids, why are you telling up facts about them that won't come up later? And if the blonde isn't a character why go into so much detail ( ... )

faerie_spark June 21 2009, 18:26:26 UTC

This is a sweet story about two people getting together under unlikely circumstances. This was my favourite paragraph ( ... )

edit from FAerie Spark, part two faerie_spark June 21 2009, 18:29:44 UTC

Hi,

I have just one more thing to suggest.

I like the way you end this. Sarah really sounds like she wants to make herself at home. But it would help if we know earlier in the story that she likes dogs. You could do this a few ways. If you decided to expand the dinner scene, you could talk about how Robert and Sarah discovered a mutual love of dogs. Or, if you decided to explain why Sarah is single you could talk about how it's just her and her dog at home now that the kids are gone... Or you could come u with something comp;letely different. It will just help to have some context for this very comfortable and homey final line.

Please let me know if you have any questions or feedback about what I've said.

Keep writing!