Brother Of Mine (Chapter 3)
I'm going to make the chapters here longer compared to the ones I posted on Winglin and Asian Fanfiction.
_------------------_
The house was hung with silence as Jun and his aunt sat in the living room, both of them staring up at the ceiling. Kazu and Ryo were both asleep in their rooms upstairs. Jun had found himself unable to do the same though and in the middle of the night had crept down to the living room only to find his aunt there as well.
“Well?” his aunt asked him, “Did you talk to Kazu?”
“Not much, he wasn’t in the mood…” Jun paused then asked, “What about Ryo? Did you talk to him?”
His aunt nodded slightly, “But I’m not sure it’s anything we can help with.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s Erika… remember her?”
Erika… yeah, Jun knew who his aunt was talking about. There were only two friends whom Jun knew made an impact in Ryo’s life during his college years. Yamashita Tomohisa, or Yamapi as he was better known and Toda Erika. The three of them had formed a tight little clique and Jun had been glad that his brother finally found friends. Actually it was more like Yamapi and Erika who roped Ryo in with them rather than Ryo finding them. The bar where Ryo works now belongs to Yamapi and Jun knew that Erika who was currently working as an air stewardess still frequently hung out with the two of them.
“He’s in love with her isn’t he?” Jun sighed.
He should have known earlier - it’s not like there had ever been another woman in Ryo’s life.
“He didn’t say that exactly but I made a rough guess,” his aunt nodded, “And I think she’s seeing someone else.”
Oh…
Broken hearts.
Both of his brothers were suffering from the same problem. Jun sighed again, running a hand through his hair. Broken hearts tend to hurt more than people allow themselves to believe. He would know - his own heart had been broken before… if not broken still.
It matters not though; his brothers, his family was his sustaining lifeline and he didn’t want to leave things this way.
No.
He can’t leave things this way.
If his own life was on a countdown timer, he was not about to let his brothers live with the pain of a broken heart. He was not going to add the loss of his life to their grief Jun realized. He had to do something about this…
“Jun?” his aunt’s concern voice brought him back to her and Jun smiled reassuringly at the older woman.
“It’s okay aunt Ayako, I’ll figure something out.”
“Figure something out? What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ll figure something out,” he shrugged dismissively, “Why don’t you go and get some sleep?”
His aunt gave him a knowing look, “You’re planning something already Jun?”
“Maybe,” Jun grinned, “I’ll let you in on it once I hammer out the details.”
She laughed at his mischievous response, patting the back of his hand affectionately before frowning slightly and asking him, “What about yourself Jun? You don’t look so well yourself when you came home today.”
How very observant of her.
“I’m fine aunt Ayako,” he lied smoothly, “Just tired from work and a little upset about Ryo and Kazu’s predicament I guess.”
The older woman raised an eyebrow at his answer but didn’t pursue the matter further, choosing instead to pat the back of his hand again and standing up from the sofa, “I guess I’ll go get some sleep then. You should go to bed to Jun.”
“I will,” he responded, smiling at her, “Good night aunt Ayako.”
“Good night dear.”
As she left the living room, Jun flopped back into the sofa, staring at the ceiling. He felt a heaviness in his heart that he had not felt for a long time, not since his parents’ death. How can he feel at ease in telling his brothers that he might not be with them for much longer? There was no way he could do that.
If there was one thing he had promised himself when his parents died was that regardless of how hard it was he would try his best to help his brothers’ find happiness. It was more important than anything else he could probably do for them. Money, education all of these were things that could be found and achieved through many means but happiness?
Happiness was what he wanted the most for his brothers. It was happiness that his parents had tried to so hard to give them as they were growing up and now as custodian of their trust he would do what he could for his brothers.
They were all that he had in the world.
Jun found himself burying his face in his hands feeling his own body shudder at the realization of his own thoughts. The finality of it, the knowledge that he would not be around anymore, would not be able to enjoy his brothers’ companionship any longer…
He didn’t want this, didn’t want time he had left with them to be marred with such problems.
-------
++Ryo++
I stared at the ceiling for the longest time, my gaze tracing the corners of every curve of the ceiling plaster pattern. The house belongs to Jun-ni but he had made sure that his house would be home for me and Kazu-ni as well. Turning over on my side now I studied Kazu-ni’s sleeping face. My hot headed brother had decided to sleep on the pull out couch in my room instead of his own. Maybe the thought of sleeping in the double bed without his wife by his side a bit too much for him.
Sighing, I closed my eyes again, trying to push away the events of the day from my mind. Maybe I’m better off not going into a relationship at all. First Jun, then Kazu… both my aniki are amazing people. They raised me, stood up for me, took care of me; and yet both of them are treated this cruelly by fate. Patient attentive Jun-ni who always made sure I had everything I needed… strong-willed brash Kazu-ni always ready to stand up for me. If people this amazing have it so hard in relationship, what ever made me think that I even had a chance with Erika even by a long shot?
Erika…
Even the image of her face in my mind makes my heart feel as though a tight fist had been curled around it, squeezing the life out of me. The fact that I am never able to say what I really feel around her, that I am never able to make her realize exactly what she does to me… it makes me feel so helpless… useless…
It’s like all my life all I’ve ever done is depend on people. First on my brothers and then on Yamapi and Erika. Of course, maybe it’s just my luck in this case - my brothers are my family and my best friends… well, it just kind of happened.
I remember the day I met them like it was yesterday. Then again, they ARE my best friends, my ONLY friends after all. Of course the day I meet them would be monumental to me. It’s funny because the events of the day itself were as ordinary as any day could get.
It’s was my second year in college and the day had been a particularly dark and dismal day. The turn of autumn to winter had never been a favoured season with me and that day had been particularly terrible. The temperature had dropped suddenly from 10 degrees earlier in the day to below zero and I was ill prepared for that.
Looking back, I remember cursing myself for being an idiot and not reading the weather report before heading for school. Now as I left the student union building to head for the humanities building I clutched my absolutely insufficient sports jacket as I made a dash through the campus grounds.
I crashed into her before I even saw her and the wind immediately snatched up the papers from the folder that had flown from her grasp. In the biting wind of early winter, the papers swept up, falling in a torrid flurry all around us.
I saw only her.
She was dressed in a knee length dark blue cashmere coat, a brilliantly patterned scarf cinched around her waist in place of a belt. Her long hair fell in soft waves around her face, teasing tendrils curling around her face and her mahogany eyes were wide with surprise.
I mumbled a quick sorry, feeling my face instantly going red. I hurriedly helped her gather her paper, shoving them back into her hands so I didn’t have to meet her eyes.
Why am I so prone to making such humiliating scenes for myself?
That encounter made me late for class and as I pushed open the door to the lecture hall I groaned to myself when I saw that the seats at the back of the class where I normally hide myself was full and the only empty seat left was right in the front row. Not wanting to make more of a scene for myself, I sunk down into that seat, not even looking at the boy seating in the seat next to mine. I never bother participating in class anyway and that was not going to change, or at least that was what I thought.
--------
Skulking deeper into his seat, Ryo hung his head, not looking up at the lecturer whom he had never once talked to. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy the class but it’s just him being who he is. Speaking up in class was not his forte even if he did enjoy this class more than the others he was taking this semester. The professor’s discussion on their reading material was most interesting and he jotted down some of his own thoughts in the notebook he had opened in front of him.
“Does the Harlem renaissance reflect an unkept promise by the American society?”
Ryo gave a start, his head jerking up when he realised the boy sitting next to him had read the question he had jotted down in his notebook out loud.
“Does recognizing a literary movement give it any more significance than the token norm of a group not willing to grant rights to a minority just yet?” the boy continued reading before Ryo could close the notebook.
“That’s a very interesting thought Yamashita-san,” the lecturer responded, turning to the boy sitting next to Ryo, “What makes you say that?”
“Not my thought,” the guy replied, grinning in return, “I was just reading out of Okada-san’s notebook and like you said, it’s an interesting thought.”
Ryo never felt more like he wanted the floor to open up and eat him. The lecturer was looking at him expectantly; the ENTIRE class was looking at him expectantly - waiting for him to say something, anything.
“You wrote something else in your notebook too,” Yamashita said, “I didn’t manage to see it.”
“It wasn’t meant for you to see in the first place,” Ryo grumbled under his breath.
“What did you say?” the guy asked, grin still in place.
“Nothing.”
“Well Okada-san?” the lecturer asked him, “Why do you say that?”
The attention was overwhelming and each moment bore down like million pounds of stones on his head. His heart was pounding at a million miles an hour and his hands were getting clammy. The sharp jab in his ribs got his attention and Yamashita reached for his notebook, opening it and pushed it back to him, “Why don’t you tell Professor Watanabe? I think you got a point here.”
“Okada-san?” the lecturer, Professor Watanabe asked again.
“Um… well… um, I was just thinking, there is a necessity for literature to reflect the norms of a society as well - at least that’s what so many people argue. The problem though is that for most parts literature merely reflects what is wrong and what is not lacking in the society. Like the Harlem Renaissance - the entire movement is a cry of protest against the mainstream American society.”
“Very nicely said Okada-san,” Professor Watanabe nodded, “That’s exactly the point I’ve been trying to impress upon the class and so far no one has yet to venture that thought except you.”
-------
“There’s nothing wrong with speaking up in class once and a while,” Yamashita said, catching up with Ryo who had been hoping he would be able to make a clean escape. The other guy wasn’t going to have any of that though, slinging his arm around Ryo’s shoulder as though they were long lost friends, “I’m hungry. Do you have plans for dinner?”
He turned to look at the shivering Ryo whom he had towed out of the humanities building, “Aren’t you cold man?”
“I… ddd…ddddin’t bbb…bring a cccc…coat,” Ryo answered through chattering teeth.
“Sheesh are you as dull witted as you quiet?” Yamashita snorted, “Come on then, my apartment is not far from here.”
There was not much that Ryo could protest to, not with his hands already turning blue with the cold and his teeth chattering as though they might fall out of his head. What he had not expected when they arrived at Yamashita’s apartment, was the girl standing in the kitchen, her long hair held back with the same colourful scarf that had initially been used as a belt for her coat.
“You’re late!” she scowled, brandishing a spatula at them, “What’s the point of having a cook out at your place if I’m the one cooking?? We should have just done it at my place, I’m not your maid you know Yamapi!”
She stopped suddenly when she saw Ryo who was practically ducking behind Yamashita. Of all people, why did it have to be her?
“You!” she exclaimed, “What are you doing here? Wait… WHO are you?”
“Okada Ryo,” Yamashita answered brightly, almost pushing Ryo into the apartment, “We take the same American literature class. He’s joining us for dinner today. Ryo, this is Erika, Toda Erika. You guys met already?”
“He crashed into me today,” she responded as Ryo turned several shades redder.
“I’m… I’m sorry about that…” Ryo managed to blurt out.
“No worries,” she smiled, “Don’t just stand there, come on in.”
“What time are the others arriving?” Yamashita asked Erika.
“Jin and Toma are on their way and Mao said she’s going to go pick Kame up first. Maki will be here soon too.”
“Cool,” Yamashita said, heading over to the kitchen where Erika was standing, “Is there anything I can help with?”
“Cut the fruits for the fruit salad,” she told him, then turned to look at Ryo,” Why don’t you go sit down? Make yourself at home okay.”
Ryo went in hesitantly, sitting down at the edge of the sofa. What the hell was he doing here? He was still halfway lost about the whole thing. How the hell did this guy… Yamashita, know his name? What the hell was going on here? A cookout?
“Tea?” the girl, Erika, asked him.
“Uh… ”
She placed the cup in front of him anyway even as the door to Yamashita-san’s apartment opened and people began piling in, talking at the top of their voices. It was obvious that they were all good friends.
“Yamapi!” one of the guys hollered, “I got you that wine you’ve been wanting.”
None of them seemed the least bit perturbed to see him there, instead they all greeted him cheerfully as Yamashita introduced him, “This is Okada Ryo, we go to the same American literature class. Ryo, this is Toma, Jin and Maki.”
“Um… Yamashita-san?” Ryo spoke up but was interrupted by him, “Don’t call me that will you? Yamapi is just fine. Everyone calls me Yamapi.”
“I see… um…”
But Yamapi was bounding back to the kitchen to help Erika again.
“Don’t worry about it,” one of the guys said, the one called Toma. He obviously sensed Ryo’s uneasiness, “Yamapi likes picking up people.”
“You make us sound like little lost puppies,” Maki responded, laughing at Toma’s comment, “He can’t help being who he is.”
“What do you mean?” Ryo asked uncertainly.
“Pi knows the name of all his classmates. His hobby at the start of each school year is to see how long it takes him to memorize the names of all his classmates in all his classes. Even the big lectures that have over 100 people.”
“Dinner!” Erika announced after two more people arrive to finish the group - Mao and Kame. Erika brought over the pot of stew she had been cooking from the kitchen to the dining table, “Enjoy!”
“Stew!” Jin crowed with an almost childish enthusiasm, “Rika-chan’s stew is the best. Pi, you’re too spoiled to get this so often!”
Often?
Ah, it was only natural wasn’t it? The two of them seem so close; they were definitely dating.
Ryo kept pretty much to himself, eating what was put in front of him, listening to the carefree chatter of those in the group. Ryo noticed how comfortable the atmosphere was, noticed how fond they were of one another.
Then there was something else that he noticed too, they didn’t ignore him. Instead they would include him in their conversation, asking him questions, handing food and other tid-bits to him as well - as though he belonged right there with them. Ryo had never thought he could ever be this open with people. Before long the dinner was over and Ryo found himself disappointed. He had secretly wished the night would not end. It was the first time he had actually had dinner with a group of people, enjoying himself like someone normal…
“Here, you can borrow my coat,” Yamapi told Ryo, dumping a coat into Ryo’s arm at the door, “You want to hang out for lunch tomorrow?”
“Lunch…? Tomorrow…?”
“Yeah, Erika and I always have lunch in the humanities building lounge.”
“Your girlfriend won’t mind me intruding?”
“My girlfriend???” Yamapi half howled with laughter, “Erika would rather die than be my girlfriend. She’s my cousin man, what the hell did you think?”
“Oh…”
“So I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow?”
“Um… yeah sure…”
Friendship starts when you least expect it and as he glanced over Yamapi’s shoulder Erika smiled at him, “See you tomorrow then Ryo.”
--------
++Kazu++
The sun was already bathing the entire room in its light when I opened my eyes. Rolling onto my side I searched the room till I saw the clock mounted on the wall over the door. It was already ten am. Man… I don’t think I’ve ever woken up this late for the past couple of years. Not since I joined the law firm.
No matter, it was the New Year holiday after all. A man is entitled to his rest especially after so much shit seems to be piling into his life lately. I sighed, closing my eyes and stretching before sitting up. Not sleeping in my bed had made me slightly disoriented and I turned to look at Ryo’s bed. My younger brother was already gone, his bed neatly made.
I bet he knew why I wanted to sleep in his room rather than my own but was too nice to say anything about it.
I went back to my room to shower and dress then went downstairs. Only my aunt Ayako was there, folding the laundry. She looked up as I came into the living room and smiled at me, “Would you like something to eat Kazu dear?”
“If it’s not a nuisance,” I replied, to which she responded by patting my cheek, “Of course not. Let me go whip you up something.”
“Neh Aunt Ayako,” I asked, following her into the kitchen, “Where’s Ryo and aniki?”
“I think Jun said something about going fishing today.”
“Oh.”
No wonder they didn’t wake me up. I never had the patience for fishing. Sitting around and waiting for those scaly slimy creatures to bite - no, not really my thing. Ryo and Jun-ni on the other hand could go on for hours.
“What are you plans for today?” Aunt Ayako asked me and I lifted my shoulder, dropping them again.
“Maybe I’ll just lounge around the house and be a bum. I’ve wanted to ransack aniki’s movie collection for a while. I could do that today.”
“I see…” Aunt Ayako nodded slowly, “You’re not… you’re not going to go talk to Meisa?”
I should have known that question was going to come and I knew that she meant well. It didn’t stop me from feeling as though someone pulled a noose around my neck however. Even the mention of her name didn’t bode well with me.
“No,” I replied, “Not today.”
“Ah… okay…”
She didn’t say anything more to me afterwards as I went through my aniki’s movie collection. Jun aniki was a real movie buff and he had a huge collection of movie DVDs which he kept neatly arranged in a floor to ceiling cupboard installed in his study. I remember how hard it was for him back in high school when he used to scrap together little bits of his saving just so he could buy a movie CD once every few months. It was the only luxury he would allow himself.
As I ran my fingers over the spine of the DVD covers I found myself pausing over one of them. The Shawshank Redemption. That had been our favourite movie - mine and Meisa’s. I wonder why is it when things go wrong, even the most mudane of detail seem to amplify itself a million times over. So it’s our favourite movie, so what? Why am I so upset about finding a copy of our favourite movie in my brother’s movie collection?
I feel like a child.
I moved away from it, purposefully looking at other films, pulling out a few at random. Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, Ben-Hur, Gone With The Wind, Batman…
My mind however was on other things.
Like on the day how I met Meisa for example.
--------
The library was always full at this time of the semester and Kazu looked around him in disgust at the teeming body of students filling the study room of the library. People who would otherwise not touch a book with a ten foot pole were studying, cramming for their finals. It all basically meant there was no place for HIM to do his studies. It was annoying. With all these people in the library it would only mean he was not going to be able to concentrate on his readings.
Turning on his heels, Kazu stalked out of the library, pausing at the front desk to pick up his bag, that look of disgust still on his face. Slamming the locker token a little harder than he intended, he startled the girl behind the counter causing her to look up at him. She was reading a fantasy novel.
“Can I get my bag please?” he asked her.
“Oh, rite, sorry,” she responded, picking up the locker token and heading into the back to get his bag.
“You’re a law student?” she asked him when she returned with his bag.
“Yeah so?”
“It’s just a question,” the girl chuckled, pushing his bag over the counter, “You didn’t need to get so defensive over it.”
“Whatever,” he responded, grabbing his bag and leaving the library.
It probably wasn’t the more fortuitous of first meetings but it was a first. No doubt it was a first.
Kuroki Meisa - that was the name in on her librarian tag and Kazu realised that she was always there behind the counter every time he came in, reading. He also realised that he head seen her around his department before. Was she a law student? She seemed to be too carefree to be a law student because those fantasy novels she was always reading was not exactly standard reading for law. A bit too light.
“You sure come to the library a lot,” her second comment surprised him as much as the first one had.
“I like studying in the library,” he responded, “Is that a crime?”
Just like the first time, her response to his curtness was laughter, her eyes glinting in amusement, “Do you always have you knickers up in a knot?”
Kazu’s eyes narrowed, “Why are we talking about the state of my underwear?”
She nearly fell over backward with laughter as Kazu grabbed his bag from the counter and left. Her offhand manner seemed to aggravate him and Kazu found himself coming to the library more often than he normally would just to argue with her. Her flippant questions and her equally flippant response riled him to no ends and though he knew he was being absolutely childish about it but Kazu also found that he couldn’t help himself from rising to the occasion every single time.
The rest of the semester went by that way, her asking him single sentenced questions and him snapping his response to her. Every single answer seemed to entertain her more than the last. Kazu wondered if this woman was completely delusional. It was beyond him why any woman would be like her!
-------
The guy behind the counter was some one he didn’t know and for a moment Kazu found himself staring dumbly at him. He was so used to seeing Meisa there that he was completely unprepared to see someone else.
“Yes?” the guy said expectantly, looking at Kazu.
“Uh, right, sorry, my bag please.”
As he collected his bag, he found himself craning his neck to look at the area behind the counter to see if she could find her. She wasn’t there and Kazu was surprised to find that he was disappointed. Hard pressed as he was to admit it, he had become a bit more attached to the feisty girl than he thought.
She wasn’t there again the next day, or the next, or the next. In fact, she didn’t show up for an entire week. Kazu found himself fretting. Why wasn’t she around? Was she okay? Had she quit becoming a librarian?
When she did showed up at the library he found himself nearly breathing a sigh of relief.
She was fine!
“Where have you been?” Kazu blurted before he could even stop himself.
“Did you miss me?” her impish question made Kazu scowl, but only for a moment because suddenly, he DID see the humour in the situation - she had never given him a straight answer before and that had been the chemistry of their relation. More than that, he realized she was right, he did miss her.
“What time do you get off work?” he asked her this time instead of snapping at her.
“About 8 pm,” she smiled, the first time she had given him a straight answer.
“Would you…” he paused, scratching his head.
“Would I what?” she teased him.
Kazu sighed, knowing that he would always end up on the short end of the stick with this woman but also knowing that he was not going to ever be able to do anything about it at all. She had reeled him in hook line and sinker.
“Would you like to go out for dinner?”
“Would I?” she asked him again and Kazu laughed, “Well I think you would.”
“Okay then I suppose I do.”
With the library counter out from in between them, Kazu found out exactly how far he had fallen for her. She completely refused to be riled by his bad temper, she used laughter as her weapon against him and her nature, though as blunt as his was refine in ways his was not. He found out finally that she was a sociology major minoring in international law which was why he had seen her in the law department a couple of times.
“You know I’ve always watched you walk into the library with this serious frown on your face, almost as though you want to go to battle with the books,” she told him over their pasta, “And I was always wondering what you are like - whether you always go through life with the same battle face on.”
“Battle face?” he laughed, “Is that what you thought of me? That I walk around with this perpetual frown on my face?”
“Well I’ve never seen you with any other expression on your face!”
“So is that why you’re been harassing me?”
“Harassing you? That’s what you think I’ve been doing? I’ve been working hard to lighten you up here.”
That was the way their conversation and their relationship developed. Meisa never seem to take anything seriously and she put up with his bad temper very well, always cleanly able to divert him every time he was snappish due to stress from studies. They were like a pair of well balanced scales. Kazu had gone out with other girls of course but his high standards on intellect had never actually been met before. He found most of these girls who were adamant about going out with him because he was the school honour student or captain of the baseball team know little else beyond their hair and their makeup.
Meisa on the other hand, despite her absolute obsession with fantasy novels was actually very smart. Like him, she was also a scholarship student in her department and her grasp and insight on international politics were on par with his and their conversations never bore him. He was completely infatuated by her.
They complemented each other well and they were happy.
That was what had been most important.
They had been happy.
When he graduated and passed his bar exams his brothers and his aunt had thrown him a big celebratory party and he had introduced them to Meisa. His family had approved just as he knew they would. His elder brother especially had been delighted.
Kazu was glad that his brother found such joy in his happiness but there was a tinge of guilt when he thinks about the situation too. Not a couple of years ago his own brother had been in the very same situation himself. Deliriously in love with a girl named Ayase Haruka. She had been a photographer as well. Both of them apprenticed together under the same professional photographer then and even though Kazu had only met her only a couple of times, he had thought her to be a really nice girl.
Which was why her sudden disappearance had puzzled all of them to no ends. One day she had suddenly stopped answering her phone and would no longer reply Jun’s mails. She had simply disappeared, leaving her apartment empty with no forwarding address. It was as though she had simply vanished. Jun had been devastated, his heart completely shattered by her desertion.
Kazu knew that. But Jun was Jun and he refused to put his pain first over his family. Though he smiles and works cheerfully now, Kazu knew that he was suffering.
Well, he had been naïve to think that sympathy was enough to satisfy life. It never is enough. Now he knew that.
_------------------_
The house was hung with silence as Jun and his aunt sat in the living room, both of them staring up at the ceiling. Kazu and Ryo were both asleep in their rooms upstairs. Jun had found himself unable to do the same though and in the middle of the night had crept down to the living room only to find his aunt there as well.
“Well?” his aunt asked him, “Did you talk to Kazu?”
“Not much, he wasn’t in the mood…” Jun paused then asked, “What about Ryo? Did you talk to him?”
His aunt nodded slightly, “But I’m not sure it’s anything we can help with.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s Erika… remember her?”
Erika… yeah, Jun knew who his aunt was talking about. There were only two friends whom Jun knew made an impact in Ryo’s life during his college years. Yamashita Tomohisa, or Yamapi as he was better known and Toda Erika. The three of them had formed a tight little clique and Jun had been glad that his brother finally found friends. Actually it was more like Yamapi and Erika who roped Ryo in with them rather than Ryo finding them. The bar where Ryo works now belongs to Yamapi and Jun knew that Erika who was currently working as an air stewardess still frequently hung out with the two of them.
“He’s in love with her isn’t he?” Jun sighed.
He should have known earlier - it’s not like there had ever been another woman in Ryo’s life.
“He didn’t say that exactly but I made a rough guess,” his aunt nodded, “And I think she’s seeing someone else.”
Oh…
Broken hearts.
Both of his brothers were suffering from the same problem. Jun sighed again, running a hand through his hair. Broken hearts tend to hurt more than people allow themselves to believe. He would know - his own heart had been broken before… if not broken still.
It matters not though; his brothers, his family was his sustaining lifeline and he didn’t want to leave things this way.
No.
He can’t leave things this way.
If his own life was on a countdown timer, he was not about to let his brothers live with the pain of a broken heart. He was not going to add the loss of his life to their grief Jun realized. He had to do something about this…
“Jun?” his aunt’s concern voice brought him back to her and Jun smiled reassuringly at the older woman.
“It’s okay aunt Ayako, I’ll figure something out.”
“Figure something out? What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ll figure something out,” he shrugged dismissively, “Why don’t you go and get some sleep?”
His aunt gave him a knowing look, “You’re planning something already Jun?”
“Maybe,” Jun grinned, “I’ll let you in on it once I hammer out the details.”
She laughed at his mischievous response, patting the back of his hand affectionately before frowning slightly and asking him, “What about yourself Jun? You don’t look so well yourself when you came home today.”
How very observant of her.
“I’m fine aunt Ayako,” he lied smoothly, “Just tired from work and a little upset about Ryo and Kazu’s predicament I guess.”
The older woman raised an eyebrow at his answer but didn’t pursue the matter further, choosing instead to pat the back of his hand again and standing up from the sofa, “I guess I’ll go get some sleep then. You should go to bed to Jun.”
“I will,” he responded, smiling at her, “Good night aunt Ayako.”
“Good night dear.”
As she left the living room, Jun flopped back into the sofa, staring at the ceiling. He felt a heaviness in his heart that he had not felt for a long time, not since his parents’ death. How can he feel at ease in telling his brothers that he might not be with them for much longer? There was no way he could do that.
If there was one thing he had promised himself when his parents died was that regardless of how hard it was he would try his best to help his brothers’ find happiness. It was more important than anything else he could probably do for them. Money, education all of these were things that could be found and achieved through many means but happiness?
Happiness was what he wanted the most for his brothers. It was happiness that his parents had tried to so hard to give them as they were growing up and now as custodian of their trust he would do what he could for his brothers.
They were all that he had in the world.
Jun found himself burying his face in his hands feeling his own body shudder at the realization of his own thoughts. The finality of it, the knowledge that he would not be around anymore, would not be able to enjoy his brothers’ companionship any longer…
He didn’t want this, didn’t want time he had left with them to be marred with such problems.
-------
++Ryo++
I stared at the ceiling for the longest time, my gaze tracing the corners of every curve of the ceiling plaster pattern. The house belongs to Jun-ni but he had made sure that his house would be home for me and Kazu-ni as well. Turning over on my side now I studied Kazu-ni’s sleeping face. My hot headed brother had decided to sleep on the pull out couch in my room instead of his own. Maybe the thought of sleeping in the double bed without his wife by his side a bit too much for him.
Sighing, I closed my eyes again, trying to push away the events of the day from my mind. Maybe I’m better off not going into a relationship at all. First Jun, then Kazu… both my aniki are amazing people. They raised me, stood up for me, took care of me; and yet both of them are treated this cruelly by fate. Patient attentive Jun-ni who always made sure I had everything I needed… strong-willed brash Kazu-ni always ready to stand up for me. If people this amazing have it so hard in relationship, what ever made me think that I even had a chance with Erika even by a long shot?
Erika…
Even the image of her face in my mind makes my heart feel as though a tight fist had been curled around it, squeezing the life out of me. The fact that I am never able to say what I really feel around her, that I am never able to make her realize exactly what she does to me… it makes me feel so helpless… useless…
It’s like all my life all I’ve ever done is depend on people. First on my brothers and then on Yamapi and Erika. Of course, maybe it’s just my luck in this case - my brothers are my family and my best friends… well, it just kind of happened.
I remember the day I met them like it was yesterday. Then again, they ARE my best friends, my ONLY friends after all. Of course the day I meet them would be monumental to me. It’s funny because the events of the day itself were as ordinary as any day could get.
It’s was my second year in college and the day had been a particularly dark and dismal day. The turn of autumn to winter had never been a favoured season with me and that day had been particularly terrible. The temperature had dropped suddenly from 10 degrees earlier in the day to below zero and I was ill prepared for that.
Looking back, I remember cursing myself for being an idiot and not reading the weather report before heading for school. Now as I left the student union building to head for the humanities building I clutched my absolutely insufficient sports jacket as I made a dash through the campus grounds.
I crashed into her before I even saw her and the wind immediately snatched up the papers from the folder that had flown from her grasp. In the biting wind of early winter, the papers swept up, falling in a torrid flurry all around us.
I saw only her.
She was dressed in a knee length dark blue cashmere coat, a brilliantly patterned scarf cinched around her waist in place of a belt. Her long hair fell in soft waves around her face, teasing tendrils curling around her face and her mahogany eyes were wide with surprise.
I mumbled a quick sorry, feeling my face instantly going red. I hurriedly helped her gather her paper, shoving them back into her hands so I didn’t have to meet her eyes.
Why am I so prone to making such humiliating scenes for myself?
That encounter made me late for class and as I pushed open the door to the lecture hall I groaned to myself when I saw that the seats at the back of the class where I normally hide myself was full and the only empty seat left was right in the front row. Not wanting to make more of a scene for myself, I sunk down into that seat, not even looking at the boy seating in the seat next to mine. I never bother participating in class anyway and that was not going to change, or at least that was what I thought.
--------
Skulking deeper into his seat, Ryo hung his head, not looking up at the lecturer whom he had never once talked to. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy the class but it’s just him being who he is. Speaking up in class was not his forte even if he did enjoy this class more than the others he was taking this semester. The professor’s discussion on their reading material was most interesting and he jotted down some of his own thoughts in the notebook he had opened in front of him.
“Does the Harlem renaissance reflect an unkept promise by the American society?”
Ryo gave a start, his head jerking up when he realised the boy sitting next to him had read the question he had jotted down in his notebook out loud.
“Does recognizing a literary movement give it any more significance than the token norm of a group not willing to grant rights to a minority just yet?” the boy continued reading before Ryo could close the notebook.
“That’s a very interesting thought Yamashita-san,” the lecturer responded, turning to the boy sitting next to Ryo, “What makes you say that?”
“Not my thought,” the guy replied, grinning in return, “I was just reading out of Okada-san’s notebook and like you said, it’s an interesting thought.”
Ryo never felt more like he wanted the floor to open up and eat him. The lecturer was looking at him expectantly; the ENTIRE class was looking at him expectantly - waiting for him to say something, anything.
“You wrote something else in your notebook too,” Yamashita said, “I didn’t manage to see it.”
“It wasn’t meant for you to see in the first place,” Ryo grumbled under his breath.
“What did you say?” the guy asked, grin still in place.
“Nothing.”
“Well Okada-san?” the lecturer asked him, “Why do you say that?”
The attention was overwhelming and each moment bore down like million pounds of stones on his head. His heart was pounding at a million miles an hour and his hands were getting clammy. The sharp jab in his ribs got his attention and Yamashita reached for his notebook, opening it and pushed it back to him, “Why don’t you tell Professor Watanabe? I think you got a point here.”
“Okada-san?” the lecturer, Professor Watanabe asked again.
“Um… well… um, I was just thinking, there is a necessity for literature to reflect the norms of a society as well - at least that’s what so many people argue. The problem though is that for most parts literature merely reflects what is wrong and what is not lacking in the society. Like the Harlem Renaissance - the entire movement is a cry of protest against the mainstream American society.”
“Very nicely said Okada-san,” Professor Watanabe nodded, “That’s exactly the point I’ve been trying to impress upon the class and so far no one has yet to venture that thought except you.”
-------
“There’s nothing wrong with speaking up in class once and a while,” Yamashita said, catching up with Ryo who had been hoping he would be able to make a clean escape. The other guy wasn’t going to have any of that though, slinging his arm around Ryo’s shoulder as though they were long lost friends, “I’m hungry. Do you have plans for dinner?”
He turned to look at the shivering Ryo whom he had towed out of the humanities building, “Aren’t you cold man?”
“I… ddd…ddddin’t bbb…bring a cccc…coat,” Ryo answered through chattering teeth.
“Sheesh are you as dull witted as you quiet?” Yamashita snorted, “Come on then, my apartment is not far from here.”
There was not much that Ryo could protest to, not with his hands already turning blue with the cold and his teeth chattering as though they might fall out of his head. What he had not expected when they arrived at Yamashita’s apartment, was the girl standing in the kitchen, her long hair held back with the same colourful scarf that had initially been used as a belt for her coat.
“You’re late!” she scowled, brandishing a spatula at them, “What’s the point of having a cook out at your place if I’m the one cooking?? We should have just done it at my place, I’m not your maid you know Yamapi!”
She stopped suddenly when she saw Ryo who was practically ducking behind Yamashita. Of all people, why did it have to be her?
“You!” she exclaimed, “What are you doing here? Wait… WHO are you?”
“Okada Ryo,” Yamashita answered brightly, almost pushing Ryo into the apartment, “We take the same American literature class. He’s joining us for dinner today. Ryo, this is Erika, Toda Erika. You guys met already?”
“He crashed into me today,” she responded as Ryo turned several shades redder.
“I’m… I’m sorry about that…” Ryo managed to blurt out.
“No worries,” she smiled, “Don’t just stand there, come on in.”
“What time are the others arriving?” Yamashita asked Erika.
“Jin and Toma are on their way and Mao said she’s going to go pick Kame up first. Maki will be here soon too.”
“Cool,” Yamashita said, heading over to the kitchen where Erika was standing, “Is there anything I can help with?”
“Cut the fruits for the fruit salad,” she told him, then turned to look at Ryo,” Why don’t you go sit down? Make yourself at home okay.”
Ryo went in hesitantly, sitting down at the edge of the sofa. What the hell was he doing here? He was still halfway lost about the whole thing. How the hell did this guy… Yamashita, know his name? What the hell was going on here? A cookout?
“Tea?” the girl, Erika, asked him.
“Uh… ”
She placed the cup in front of him anyway even as the door to Yamashita-san’s apartment opened and people began piling in, talking at the top of their voices. It was obvious that they were all good friends.
“Yamapi!” one of the guys hollered, “I got you that wine you’ve been wanting.”
None of them seemed the least bit perturbed to see him there, instead they all greeted him cheerfully as Yamashita introduced him, “This is Okada Ryo, we go to the same American literature class. Ryo, this is Toma, Jin and Maki.”
“Um… Yamashita-san?” Ryo spoke up but was interrupted by him, “Don’t call me that will you? Yamapi is just fine. Everyone calls me Yamapi.”
“I see… um…”
But Yamapi was bounding back to the kitchen to help Erika again.
“Don’t worry about it,” one of the guys said, the one called Toma. He obviously sensed Ryo’s uneasiness, “Yamapi likes picking up people.”
“You make us sound like little lost puppies,” Maki responded, laughing at Toma’s comment, “He can’t help being who he is.”
“What do you mean?” Ryo asked uncertainly.
“Pi knows the name of all his classmates. His hobby at the start of each school year is to see how long it takes him to memorize the names of all his classmates in all his classes. Even the big lectures that have over 100 people.”
“Dinner!” Erika announced after two more people arrive to finish the group - Mao and Kame. Erika brought over the pot of stew she had been cooking from the kitchen to the dining table, “Enjoy!”
“Stew!” Jin crowed with an almost childish enthusiasm, “Rika-chan’s stew is the best. Pi, you’re too spoiled to get this so often!”
Often?
Ah, it was only natural wasn’t it? The two of them seem so close; they were definitely dating.
Ryo kept pretty much to himself, eating what was put in front of him, listening to the carefree chatter of those in the group. Ryo noticed how comfortable the atmosphere was, noticed how fond they were of one another.
Then there was something else that he noticed too, they didn’t ignore him. Instead they would include him in their conversation, asking him questions, handing food and other tid-bits to him as well - as though he belonged right there with them. Ryo had never thought he could ever be this open with people. Before long the dinner was over and Ryo found himself disappointed. He had secretly wished the night would not end. It was the first time he had actually had dinner with a group of people, enjoying himself like someone normal…
“Here, you can borrow my coat,” Yamapi told Ryo, dumping a coat into Ryo’s arm at the door, “You want to hang out for lunch tomorrow?”
“Lunch…? Tomorrow…?”
“Yeah, Erika and I always have lunch in the humanities building lounge.”
“Your girlfriend won’t mind me intruding?”
“My girlfriend???” Yamapi half howled with laughter, “Erika would rather die than be my girlfriend. She’s my cousin man, what the hell did you think?”
“Oh…”
“So I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow?”
“Um… yeah sure…”
Friendship starts when you least expect it and as he glanced over Yamapi’s shoulder Erika smiled at him, “See you tomorrow then Ryo.”
--------
++Kazu++
The sun was already bathing the entire room in its light when I opened my eyes. Rolling onto my side I searched the room till I saw the clock mounted on the wall over the door. It was already ten am. Man… I don’t think I’ve ever woken up this late for the past couple of years. Not since I joined the law firm.
No matter, it was the New Year holiday after all. A man is entitled to his rest especially after so much shit seems to be piling into his life lately. I sighed, closing my eyes and stretching before sitting up. Not sleeping in my bed had made me slightly disoriented and I turned to look at Ryo’s bed. My younger brother was already gone, his bed neatly made.
I bet he knew why I wanted to sleep in his room rather than my own but was too nice to say anything about it.
I went back to my room to shower and dress then went downstairs. Only my aunt Ayako was there, folding the laundry. She looked up as I came into the living room and smiled at me, “Would you like something to eat Kazu dear?”
“If it’s not a nuisance,” I replied, to which she responded by patting my cheek, “Of course not. Let me go whip you up something.”
“Neh Aunt Ayako,” I asked, following her into the kitchen, “Where’s Ryo and aniki?”
“I think Jun said something about going fishing today.”
“Oh.”
No wonder they didn’t wake me up. I never had the patience for fishing. Sitting around and waiting for those scaly slimy creatures to bite - no, not really my thing. Ryo and Jun-ni on the other hand could go on for hours.
“What are you plans for today?” Aunt Ayako asked me and I lifted my shoulder, dropping them again.
“Maybe I’ll just lounge around the house and be a bum. I’ve wanted to ransack aniki’s movie collection for a while. I could do that today.”
“I see…” Aunt Ayako nodded slowly, “You’re not… you’re not going to go talk to Meisa?”
I should have known that question was going to come and I knew that she meant well. It didn’t stop me from feeling as though someone pulled a noose around my neck however. Even the mention of her name didn’t bode well with me.
“No,” I replied, “Not today.”
“Ah… okay…”
She didn’t say anything more to me afterwards as I went through my aniki’s movie collection. Jun aniki was a real movie buff and he had a huge collection of movie DVDs which he kept neatly arranged in a floor to ceiling cupboard installed in his study. I remember how hard it was for him back in high school when he used to scrap together little bits of his saving just so he could buy a movie CD once every few months. It was the only luxury he would allow himself.
As I ran my fingers over the spine of the DVD covers I found myself pausing over one of them. The Shawshank Redemption. That had been our favourite movie - mine and Meisa’s. I wonder why is it when things go wrong, even the most mudane of detail seem to amplify itself a million times over. So it’s our favourite movie, so what? Why am I so upset about finding a copy of our favourite movie in my brother’s movie collection?
I feel like a child.
I moved away from it, purposefully looking at other films, pulling out a few at random. Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, Ben-Hur, Gone With The Wind, Batman…
My mind however was on other things.
Like on the day how I met Meisa for example.
--------
The library was always full at this time of the semester and Kazu looked around him in disgust at the teeming body of students filling the study room of the library. People who would otherwise not touch a book with a ten foot pole were studying, cramming for their finals. It all basically meant there was no place for HIM to do his studies. It was annoying. With all these people in the library it would only mean he was not going to be able to concentrate on his readings.
Turning on his heels, Kazu stalked out of the library, pausing at the front desk to pick up his bag, that look of disgust still on his face. Slamming the locker token a little harder than he intended, he startled the girl behind the counter causing her to look up at him. She was reading a fantasy novel.
“Can I get my bag please?” he asked her.
“Oh, rite, sorry,” she responded, picking up the locker token and heading into the back to get his bag.
“You’re a law student?” she asked him when she returned with his bag.
“Yeah so?”
“It’s just a question,” the girl chuckled, pushing his bag over the counter, “You didn’t need to get so defensive over it.”
“Whatever,” he responded, grabbing his bag and leaving the library.
It probably wasn’t the more fortuitous of first meetings but it was a first. No doubt it was a first.
Kuroki Meisa - that was the name in on her librarian tag and Kazu realised that she was always there behind the counter every time he came in, reading. He also realised that he head seen her around his department before. Was she a law student? She seemed to be too carefree to be a law student because those fantasy novels she was always reading was not exactly standard reading for law. A bit too light.
“You sure come to the library a lot,” her second comment surprised him as much as the first one had.
“I like studying in the library,” he responded, “Is that a crime?”
Just like the first time, her response to his curtness was laughter, her eyes glinting in amusement, “Do you always have you knickers up in a knot?”
Kazu’s eyes narrowed, “Why are we talking about the state of my underwear?”
She nearly fell over backward with laughter as Kazu grabbed his bag from the counter and left. Her offhand manner seemed to aggravate him and Kazu found himself coming to the library more often than he normally would just to argue with her. Her flippant questions and her equally flippant response riled him to no ends and though he knew he was being absolutely childish about it but Kazu also found that he couldn’t help himself from rising to the occasion every single time.
The rest of the semester went by that way, her asking him single sentenced questions and him snapping his response to her. Every single answer seemed to entertain her more than the last. Kazu wondered if this woman was completely delusional. It was beyond him why any woman would be like her!
-------
The guy behind the counter was some one he didn’t know and for a moment Kazu found himself staring dumbly at him. He was so used to seeing Meisa there that he was completely unprepared to see someone else.
“Yes?” the guy said expectantly, looking at Kazu.
“Uh, right, sorry, my bag please.”
As he collected his bag, he found himself craning his neck to look at the area behind the counter to see if she could find her. She wasn’t there and Kazu was surprised to find that he was disappointed. Hard pressed as he was to admit it, he had become a bit more attached to the feisty girl than he thought.
She wasn’t there again the next day, or the next, or the next. In fact, she didn’t show up for an entire week. Kazu found himself fretting. Why wasn’t she around? Was she okay? Had she quit becoming a librarian?
When she did showed up at the library he found himself nearly breathing a sigh of relief.
She was fine!
“Where have you been?” Kazu blurted before he could even stop himself.
“Did you miss me?” her impish question made Kazu scowl, but only for a moment because suddenly, he DID see the humour in the situation - she had never given him a straight answer before and that had been the chemistry of their relation. More than that, he realized she was right, he did miss her.
“What time do you get off work?” he asked her this time instead of snapping at her.
“About 8 pm,” she smiled, the first time she had given him a straight answer.
“Would you…” he paused, scratching his head.
“Would I what?” she teased him.
Kazu sighed, knowing that he would always end up on the short end of the stick with this woman but also knowing that he was not going to ever be able to do anything about it at all. She had reeled him in hook line and sinker.
“Would you like to go out for dinner?”
“Would I?” she asked him again and Kazu laughed, “Well I think you would.”
“Okay then I suppose I do.”
With the library counter out from in between them, Kazu found out exactly how far he had fallen for her. She completely refused to be riled by his bad temper, she used laughter as her weapon against him and her nature, though as blunt as his was refine in ways his was not. He found out finally that she was a sociology major minoring in international law which was why he had seen her in the law department a couple of times.
“You know I’ve always watched you walk into the library with this serious frown on your face, almost as though you want to go to battle with the books,” she told him over their pasta, “And I was always wondering what you are like - whether you always go through life with the same battle face on.”
“Battle face?” he laughed, “Is that what you thought of me? That I walk around with this perpetual frown on my face?”
“Well I’ve never seen you with any other expression on your face!”
“So is that why you’re been harassing me?”
“Harassing you? That’s what you think I’ve been doing? I’ve been working hard to lighten you up here.”
That was the way their conversation and their relationship developed. Meisa never seem to take anything seriously and she put up with his bad temper very well, always cleanly able to divert him every time he was snappish due to stress from studies. They were like a pair of well balanced scales. Kazu had gone out with other girls of course but his high standards on intellect had never actually been met before. He found most of these girls who were adamant about going out with him because he was the school honour student or captain of the baseball team know little else beyond their hair and their makeup.
Meisa on the other hand, despite her absolute obsession with fantasy novels was actually very smart. Like him, she was also a scholarship student in her department and her grasp and insight on international politics were on par with his and their conversations never bore him. He was completely infatuated by her.
They complemented each other well and they were happy.
That was what had been most important.
They had been happy.
When he graduated and passed his bar exams his brothers and his aunt had thrown him a big celebratory party and he had introduced them to Meisa. His family had approved just as he knew they would. His elder brother especially had been delighted.
Kazu was glad that his brother found such joy in his happiness but there was a tinge of guilt when he thinks about the situation too. Not a couple of years ago his own brother had been in the very same situation himself. Deliriously in love with a girl named Ayase Haruka. She had been a photographer as well. Both of them apprenticed together under the same professional photographer then and even though Kazu had only met her only a couple of times, he had thought her to be a really nice girl.
Which was why her sudden disappearance had puzzled all of them to no ends. One day she had suddenly stopped answering her phone and would no longer reply Jun’s mails. She had simply disappeared, leaving her apartment empty with no forwarding address. It was as though she had simply vanished. Jun had been devastated, his heart completely shattered by her desertion.
Kazu knew that. But Jun was Jun and he refused to put his pain first over his family. Though he smiles and works cheerfully now, Kazu knew that he was suffering.
Well, he had been naïve to think that sympathy was enough to satisfy life. It never is enough. Now he knew that.