Brother Of Mine (Chapter 7)
“I swear sometimes I wonder why I take on this job!” Erika complained loudly as she sat down on the stool across from Ryo who was minding the bar. It was nearly closing time and the only patron left was a young couple in a corner booth who were much too engrossed in one another to care about the rest of the world.
Erika had just gotten in from a flight to Taiwan and she had come straight to the bar to vent about a passenger she had on the flight. Apparently the man had had one drink too many and had decided that the cabin crew were all fair game in his pursuit for entertainment. He had first chosen to pinch one of Erika’s colleagues on her bum then proceeded to pester another one; following her up and down the aisle as he propositioned her in a loud lecherous voice.
That culminated with the cabin crew trying to get him to settle back into his seat when he decided to upchuck all his dinner down the front of Erika’s uniform. Ryo couldn’t help himself from grinning when he looked at her pissed-off face. She looked lovely with the red flush tingeing her face that way.
“You find it funny??” she fumed at him as he pushed a drink across the counter towards her and Ryo shrugged, “You think someone throwing up on me is funny?”
“Well, it is… kinda,” he admitted as she scowled at him.
This time Ryo laughed, “Oh come on Rika; I work in bar - how many times a week do you think I get someone’s puke on me?”
She pulled a face before laughing, “Well thanks for reminding again why I’m glad I’m not a bartender then.”
Sighing, she picked up the glass that Ryo had poured for her, twirling it in her fingers before narrowing her eyes as she looked at him, “Since you laughed at me and now I’m in a bad mood you better think of a way to cheer me up Okada Ryo!”
Ryo pulled a face in return at her then leaned forward, feeling a certain bravado spilling through him without even knowing why. Perhaps it was Jun-ni’s words playing through his head, perhaps it was Yamapi’s relentless goading these past few days… perhaps it was just himself, tired of hiding, tired of guessing if people could see him behind his emotional shields.
“How about I read you something?” he asked her and Erika’s eyes widened as he pulled out his precious notebook and flipped it open. He knew she recognized the notebook, and just like Yamapi, she knew the significance of it to him.
“The sunset soaks the town in crimson
In front of my eyes, there are only suspended constructions
The road is filled with people rushing in suits
While I am just picturing you in my head
That night under the bright moon
Without any destination, just running on the street
Pretending to not notice the detour
I am still picturing you in my head
The whispering words, the warmth of your grasping hands
I gently enfold them all
At this moment, the landscape is being reborn
Adding colour to the monotone today
Putting magic on the glooming tomorrow
Even the indifferent moment would change into important memories…”
She stared at him in silence for a long time before whispering, “Bloody hell…”
Ryo closed the notebook, putting it down on the counter, barely able to breath from wanting to see her reaction. Erika shook her head furiously, nearly tipping the glass over when she reached across the counter to grab his shoulder.
“What the fuck are you doing Okada Ryo??” she demanded, shaking him, “What the hell are you doing hiding something like this from the world?”
“I…” he stopped, looking for the words to say, “I was scared.”
“Scared? Of what??”
“Of people actually seeing me.”
She let go of him, staring at him in disbelief as she sat back down with a thump on the stool. Picking up the glass again she drained the cocktail in one gulp before half slamming the glass on the countertop.
“Ryo - there are times when you can be a real BAKA!”
“I know.”
“AHO.”
“I know.”
“Moron! You are such a moron!”
“I know.”
She stopped, staring at him, “Stop agreeing with me!”
“Then what do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know!” she exclaimed loudly, “Say something else!”
“I love you.”
The words came out before he could stop himself and immediately he could feel the blood rush to his head, colouring his face from his neck to the tip of his ears. Erika froze.
The silence in the bar was so complete a pin could have dropped and echoed like the clanging of church bells.
“I…” she paused, her face turning slightly pink, “I…”
Ryo couldn’t bring himself to look at her as Erika stood up, her knees suddenly shaking without her knowing why.
“I got to go,” she mumbled, making a grab for her bag.
“I’ll see you around,” he told her lamely, not making a move to stop her as she all but ran out of the bar.
Ryo sighed, folding his arms on the counter top and burying his face in them.
What the hell was he thinking? What had he expected her to say? He felt like the world’s biggest fool. Maybe telling other people your feelings is not exactly the best thing. Maybe he should have continued hiding. Right now, all he wanted to do was find a great big hole so he could crawl in and spend the rest of his days there.
-------
*Author’s Note: The verses of the poem are the lyrics from Ryo’s solo “Ordinary”
-------
The slamming of the front door made both Jun and Aunt Ayako look up. The elder woman hastily wiped her tear stained cheeks as Kazu walked into the living room. He looked slightly livid and Jun grimaced.
Oh dear… not another one.
Kazu stopped in the centre of the living room, looking first at Aunt Ayako, then at Jun; obvious frustration boiling through him.
“I know what the hell you’ve been up to,” he announced to his elder brother.
“Kazu…”
“You went to see Meisa didn’t you?”
Jun almost wanted to sigh audibly with relief. He wasn’t sure he could handle it if Kazu had found out about his cancer as well. It had taken him everything he could think off in order to persuade Aunt Ayako to keep his secret for now.
“I did,” he admitted to Kazu, not meeting Kazu’s eyes. Kazu had always been a very private person and for Jun to interfere in his marriage this way, take things into his own hands this way… he knew Kazu would not have liked it.
“But I…”
“You have to got to stop interfering in my life!” he exclaimed, “I’m not a little boy any more!”
Aunt Ayako shifted her gaze nervously from Jun to Kazu, not too sure what to say. She had never seen the brothers fight before. The glare that Kazu gave Jun was so intense she could have sliced it with a knife and watch it fall apart.
“Kazu…” Aunt Ayako spoke up only to have him interject her sharply, “Don’t defend him Aunt Ayako. He can damn well speak for himself.”
“I…” Jun paused then shrugged. He really didn’t know what to say; his mind and heart too heavy right now with Aunt Ayako’s discovery of his condition and worried that she would break down emotionally.
“Does it give you some kind of power trip to meddle in other people’s life?” Kazu asked him, “I’m a grown up now; like it or not Jun-ni you have to accept that!”
Jun didn’t answer, looking away but Kazu pressed him.
“Nii-san! If you have something to say then say it to my face!”
“Okay, I would appreciate it if you would GROW UP a bit. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel it’s necessary for me to run around trying to fix your life for you.”
Kazu turned such a different shade that for a moment Aunt Ayako was worried he might actually punch his elder brother in the face. Instead he chose to turn his back, grabbing his briefcase again and storming out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Aunt Ayako winched visibly at the sound of the slam and Jun sank onto the sofa, burying his face in his hands.
“Jun…” she spoke up, rubbing his back gently, but he shook his head.
“I screwed it up big time didn’t I Aunt Ayako?”
“Jun… maybe you shouldn’t hide your condition from your brothers. They are family… Kazu will be so upset when he finds out…”
“I know,” Jun admitted, looking at his aunt, “But I can’t… not yet… not with the two of them already so caught up with the problems of their own lives.”
“Jun!” Aunt Ayako protested, “Life will always present problems for them! You cannot expect yourself to baby sit them forever!”
“Which is all the more reason why I need to use what time I have wisely.”
--------
Kazu was not angry with Jun about talking to Meisa, not really. He had not even wanted to say anything about it initially. But when he got home and saw Aunt Ayako’s red eyes, her tear stained cheeks; and just before that overhearing Jun-ni telling her, “Promise me you won’t tell them - not yet…”
He knew his brother was hiding something big from him and Ryo.
That was the anger he could not voice - the fact that his brother did not trust them enough to tell them what was going on, what the problem was. He had wanted to confront Jun-ni about that but found that he could not. Instead, he had voiced his frustration on Jun-ni concerning his meddling. Meddling to save his marriage, Kazu knew that, but meddling nonetheless.
Meisa had refused to admit it initially but Kazu’s raised eyebrow and knowing look finally made her sigh as she nodded, “Yes, he came to see me at my office.”
“What could he have possibly said which made you change your mind about trying to work things out with me?”
“It wasn’t what he said Kazu. It was how he said it.”
“How he said it?”
“He said it without a trace of sarcasm,” Meisa had told him. The look in her eyes told him what he needed to know. Unlike himself, Jun-ni had seen almost immediately what Meisa needed.
Sincerity.
Something that he had been lacking. Something their marriage had lacked. Both of them were too damn proud to humble themselves for the other. Jun-ni had not.
He had gone to Meisa and showed her that pride was not an issue with him when it comes to ensuring his family’s happiness.
He would beg if he needed to.
They had talked - him and Meisa. For the first time after so long, they really talked. He had asked her about her work and actually listened to her answers without having to be distracted by the ringing of his hand phone or the beeping of his blackberry. There will be hell to pay after Kazu knew that but maybe he should start sorting out his priorities.
Work was not so meaningful when you have nothing to go home to.
Meisa was home.
His family was home. He didn’t want to lose her again and that meant putting in a little more effort into the family that they had wanted to build together. They had decided to take it slow and frustrated as he was with Jun-ni’s actions, he had wanted to go home to thank him…
So why did they ended up fighting instead?
-------
++Jun++
I know that secrets have a way of revealing themselves. I knew that I would not be able to keep my condition from my family for much longer but I knew that I still could not bring myself to tell them about it. I wanted my brothers to be able to work out their own life’s issues without having to worry about me. The one thought that had been with me recently was that if my life was to end… I wanted to leave behind my legacy with my brothers.
That’s funny… that was not a word I had ever used before. To leave a legacy… who would have thought about something like that at this age? I certainly would not have thought so.
But now that I think about it, the more logical it seems… the necessity to leave behind a legacy. More than death, I was more scared about being forgotten.
Would my brothers forget me? I’m sure that they won’t… but life would all take them away, would throw more curve balls at them and I won’t be there to help them… to give them advice… to be their brother. I could feel the hot tears stain my cheek and lying back on my back on the bed my body was trembling most violently.
I can’t continue like this.
It’s time I start tying up loose strings.
My brothers have always been the purpose of my life… so this was the only form of meaning I know and this was the meaning I will choose to pursue. I’ll tell my brothers my condition but not right now.
Just a little more time.
That is all I’m asking for.
---------
Jun sat up on his bed, surveying the mess which was his room. There was an invitation letter for an exhibition sitting on top of his desk which had arrived somewhere last month - before he found out about his cancer. He had not even had the time to open and read it. Now he reached for the envelope, tearing it open and shaking out the smoothly folded white paper.
“Seeing Our Lives Through”
The title of the exhibition caught his attention, and Jun read on curiously. The exhibit, sponsored by the Tokyo’s Governor’s Office, was in celebration of Tokyo’s 66th year as a Metropolis and its aim was to exhibit portraits of life in Tokyo as seen through the eyes of Tokyo’s top photographers.
He remembered being excited when he had heard about the exhibition but now he realized that that felt as though it was light years away. Even when he was at work, his editor had commented that his photographs had not felt as inspired as they once did. It was only fitting seeming how his mind was not in work. He could not pour his soul into the pictures and Jun’s heart ached at that thought.
Through the trials of his life, photography had been that one stable factor, the one love that kept him sane, kept him together. Photography was what had saved his life… gave him a living. If he was not able to put his soul into his art then what was there for him?
He turned the invitation over in his hand, a new resolve suddenly shaping itself in him.
Time was not a friend. With his life slipping away from his fingers, he suddenly knew what he wanted to do. Did he not possess this one talent of capturing the magic of moments? They why had he not thought about what could he best do to preserve the memories of this short space in time which he had left?
Grabbing a pen, he filled in the form which had been included with the invitation, listing down the size of exhibition space he felt he might want and jotting down his particulars which would be included in the brochure for the exhibit.
Jun paused for one moment, biting the end of the pen when he came to the last line on the form.
Title of his exhibit.
He closed his eyes and then, as though inspiration had smiled on him, he filled in the blank.
“Small Miracles”
The ringing of his phone distracted him from the form for a moment and Jun reached across the table to pick it up, answering it in a distracted manner.
“Lo?”
“Aniki?” Ryo’s voice greeted him.
“Ryo?” he replied in surprise, “What’s up?”
“Can I come crash at your place tonight?”
“Sure,” he replied. He knew he did not need to ask why. Ryo wanted to hide again and as much as he wanted to shake his brother out of the shell in which he had carved his world, Jun could not bring himself to begrudge his brother the warmth of a home.
Family meant being able to come and hide from the world when it became overwhelming and for someone as shy as his brother, he understood that the world could be overwhelming quite often.
“I’ll bring some drinks. I think… I need someone to talk to.”
“Okay.”
As he hung up the phone, he glanced at the family portrait they had taken last New Year and he sighed. The world was a lot more complex than they would like it. Life and love could be too complicated for any one person to handle alone.
They all had rather forced smiles in the picture but Jun liked it.
He thought the picture looked honest.
Even when they were feeling down, the arms they had around one another told him that he was not the only one the brothers leaned on. He leaned on them as well for his strength and motivation in life.
Looking back down at the form in his hand, he penned down the date and then signed his name on the dotted line. Something about the act made it felt so final. As though he was signing a last will and testament and with a pang, Jun realized that it might indeed be the case.
He wanted to leave his last legacy with his brothers. Just as he was the custodian of his parents’ trust so were his brothers the custodians of their memories. Preserve these memories he will but for now, he had a brother to comfort and talk to.