Brother of Mine (Chapter 12)
++Jun++
I heard the sharp intake of breath. Mine?
No. my brothers, both of them having gasped at the same time, faces turning pale at the news I told them. I lowered my eyes, unable to take in the expression of shock… pain…
“Aniki…” Kazu spoke up, his voice trembling, “You’re… you’re joking right?”
“No,” I responded, not really knowing how to tell them about my condition so I just decided to blurt it out because there was no gentle way to put it, “Brain tumour. The doctor said it’s malignant.”
“When… when did you find out about this?” Ryo asked.
“On New Year’s Eve…”
The hand Ryo slammed on the table nearly made all the pictures on the wall shake and all the china in the cabinet rattle. I shrunk back in my seat as he shot up to his feet, completely enraged.
“How could you? How could you have kept this from us all this time?? We’re your BROTHERS! Yet you can’t even trust us enough to tell us something like this.”
“Ryo!” Kazu hollered, leaping to his feet as well, “Ryo, calm down!”
Both my brothers collapsed back into the couch, tears which I have not seen since our parents’ death, running down their faces. The heaviness in my heart became a tight choking hold in my throat and my vision blurred. The fear, the truth of my mortality staring at me in the face made me cave in.
I buried my face in my hands, breaking down like I’ve never done before.
All my life I told myself that I needed to be strong, that I needed to be the one to protect this family but I knew now that I could not do that anymore.
I knew now that I had to let go.
My brothers sat down next to me, one on each side as the three of us cried like we have never done before. I was like a lost child once again, just like the day we lost our parents. But this time I could not be the one comforting my younger brothers. I could not be the one telling them that everything was going to be okay.
“Jun… Kazu… Ryo…”
It was Aunt Ayako and as she knelt down in front of us, putting her arms around u, I felt my shoulders heave again.
I don’t want to leave this family… I don’t want to leave my brothers.
“I’m scared,” I told them, my voice breaking, “I’m so scared.”
They hugged me tighter, none of us able to find any other words to say to one another, all of us overwhelmed by the moment. I didn’t want to be strong for now… not yet. Right now I wanted to cry my heart out and let my brothers bear my pain with me.
Just let me be selfish this one last time.
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In the darkness all the three brothers could make out were the outlines of the roofs across from their street as the three of them sat side by side on the roof of Jun’s house. It was almost two am in the morning but none of them could sleep.
Their bodies cooled by the late spring air, the three of them had found themselves reminiscing about their childhood - memories that had brought tears and laughter to the three of them. All the emotions, all the anger, the happiness, the frustration, the determinations and the resolves of their lives - all of them which had shaped the brothers to who they were today.
“So you’re checking in to the hospital tomorrow?” Kazu asked his elder brother.
“Yeah… the doctor said I should start on chemo…”
“We’re coming with you,” Ryo piped up, “And don’t you dare go sneaking behind our backs anymore. You’ve done enough of that lately - so lets be done with the ninja games okay aniki?”
Jun laughed, throwing his head back even as he hiccupped some left over tears through his laughter. It is funny how life could leave you so bedraggled and yet still present you with moments where you can’t help but laugh. Laugh at the irony of the situation, laugh at the humour which never really left and laugh at the joke you younger brother cracks at you.\
So it’s true then, that even when your life eludes you, there was nothing that would stop you from laughing if you wanted to.
“How long are you boys going to stay up there on the roof?” Aunt Ayako’s voice called to them from somewhere inside the house, “Why don’t you come on in? I made everyone hot chocolate.”
Coming down from the roof to the warmth of the kitchen, the three brothers also discovered that it didn’t matter how much older one gets - one never gets too old for hot chocolate made with love by someone who puts you as the utmost priority of their life.
Much later that night, after Jun had fallen asleep, Ryo and Kazu found themselves sitting in the semi darkened living room, talking again. Some answers had been given to them, but there was still one big piece of the puzzle which they couldn’t quite put together yet.
Ayase Haruka.
Things were hard enough for him now so Ryo and Kazu did not felt that it was appropriate to bring the subject up with him. Yet at the same time, both brothers knew that they were not exactly going to be able to let the subject go. Ayase Haruka’s disappearance had been such a major thing in their lives that Kazu and Ryo needed to know - needed to find answers, for themselves as much as for their elder brother.
“We’re still not done with OUR ninja games huh?” Ryo murmured, leaning back into the sofa, “And I doubt aniki would be happy if he found out that we intend to nose into his matters.”
“But I doubt he’s going to get angry with us about it.”
“Him getting angry is the least of the issue Kazu-ni,” Ryo protested, “I just don’t think it’s wise to get him upset… I mean… what with…”
“What with the cancer?” Kazu interrupted him, “Of course I’m worried too Ryo, but think about it, would he be any less worried now? It didn’t seem as though he knew why Ayase-san was there. You and I would know better than anyone else.”
“But…”
“The tables have turned Ryo,” Kazu responded, his voice low but the decision within it undeniable, “All these years Jun-ni has been looking after us… I think it’s time we do the same for him. I’m not going to believe that Jun-ni might not get better, that he might be taken away from us. I want to do this because I believe that he would recover, that he would want to continue living his life without regrets.”
“Living without regrets huh?” Ryo smiled wistfully, “Don’t you think compared to Jun-ni, you and I have more regrets in this life? And don’t you think if Jun-ni had not been around, then we would not have realized it either?”
That comment made both brothers pause, reflecting on what had transpired in this short period of time. It was the beginning of spring now, and since the New Year, so many changes had taken place in their lives.
For good and for bad…
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The brothers were solemn as they got into the taxi together, Kazu helping with the bag that they had pack for Jun. After a long talk last night, all of the members of the family had agreed that they would follow Jun to the hospital today. Checking their brother into the hospital was part of the reason why Kazu and Ryo were adamant about following Jun. The other reason was very obviously the curiosity that was gnawing at the edge of their consciousness.
After all their brother had done for them, what could they now do for him? There surely had to be something that their brother wanted to do which he could not at this moment…
“Ne, aniki,” Kazu spoke up as they walked their brother to his hospital room, “How long has it been since we went on a trip together?”
“I dunno,” Jun mused, “Not since you were in college when we went to the beach last time. Remember that?”
“That’s right,” Ryo chimed in, “We stayed for a week that time and Kazu wouldn’t come out of the villa the whole time - he was too busy studying.”
All three brothers laughed at the memory.
“Yeah, I remember that. I was going into my final year at that time and I had started studying for the bar exam…”
“You were so engrossed with studying that you didn’t even realize the time Ayase-san snuck a crab into you room…” Ryo’s voice trailed off, his eyes wavering uncertainly to his brother’s face at having brought up her name.
Jun didn’t make a comment, merely smiling slightly.
“It was a good trip,” he said finally, “When I get out of here we should do it again.”
“That’s right,” Kazu agreed in a soft voice, “We should take a trip together again, all of us together. Maybe we could go down to Kyushu and visit oyaji’s hometown.”
“That would be nice,” his elder brother smiled at him, “That would be really nice.”
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++Ryo++
“I’m sorry but we don’t give out the names of patients,” the nurse behind the counter told me solemnly, “It’s against regulations.”
“Please?” I asked, turning on the most pleading puppy dog eyes he could. I wasn’t very good at that I decided when the nurse shook her head resolutely and waved me away.
Kazu perked up as I returned to where he was waiting but deflated visibly as I shook my head indicating that I had not been able to get any information.
“Maybe you should pull out some of your fancy lawyer jargon on their ass Kazu-ni,” I commented.
“If I’m a lawyer then I know quite well that doctor patient information is confidential. Lawyer jargon is not going to get them, only a judge warrant will.”
“Can you get one of those?”
He scowled at me, another one of those ‘don’t-you-know-anything-silly-boy?’ moment and I hung my head, knowing it was a stupid question.
“Anyway, we won’t get anything hanging around here,” he responded, “I’m going to go snoop around aniki’s studio. I suggest you stay with aniki and see if you can pump some information out of him.”
“All right,” I relented.
“Oh,” Kazu-ni added over his shoulder, “I’m going out with Meisa for dinner tonight, so could you stay with aniki? I’ll stay with him tomorrow night.”
“He’s not going to like us staying around him all the time.”
“Then that would be a lie. The one thing he needs now is to have us with him regardless of what he says.”
“Alright,” I relented, “I can stay with him, but are you sure you’re okay Kazu-ni? You’ve been taking a lot of time off work lately…”
“I’m fine,” he smiled, “Don’t worry about it.”
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There was this feeling that Kazu found he could no longer shake. For the longest time he had always been completely focused on work and nothing else in life had mattered much. He had always simply taken it for granted that his family would be there… that they could take care of themselves.
It seems like these days he had been learning that everything he had thought of was changing - and with that, he learnt that he needed to change his priorities in life too. There was still a lot that he needed to do, but the most important thing was to straighten his life again and that had exactly what he had been doing.
Since the last few weeks, he had been concentrating on fixing his relationship with his wife, learning that he had to work to make a relationship happen, learning that if he listened to her a little bit more he would really know what she means rather than having to deal with the headache of trying to figure out why she’s so mad.
Though they had been taking things slow, he was sure he wanted to ask his wife to come back home. Before that however, he had other things on his mind.
His aniki’s studio was locked but Kazu had no problem finding the extra key to get in. His brother was a creature of habit after all and he would keep the extra key in the same place he keeps all his other extra keys - under the fire extinguisher.
Walking into the studio, Kazu switched on the light, looking around him. For a moment he stood there quietly, studying the photos that hung on the walls in the studio. All of them were photos that Jun felt was precious. Some of them were photos that had won him award, but most of them were simply photos which had to do with people who were precious to him
One photo in particular caught Kazu’s attention and he took a step closer to the picture. It was a big blow up of an old family photo they had taken back when Kazu himself had been a mere three year old toddler. He felt himself smiling slightly, hand reaching out to touch the picture. Kazu understood why his elder brother loved photography so much. Photography was his means of preserving the time which he couldn’t turn back - and for Jun-ni, being able to grasp those memories as tightly as he could was his means of strength to continue being the bedrock of the family.
“Ma…” Kazu found himself whispering as he looks up at the photo, “Ma, you would have been so proud of Jun-ni. So proud of the man that he is…”
Sighing, he wiped a tear which had escaped his eyes. Now he would work hard to become a man his family would be proud of as well.
Helping his brother would be his first step to do that.
The studio was well organized but airy and cheerful to the look - a perfect representation of his hard working elder brother. Kazu himself had no real idea what kind of clue he could get by coming here but the memory of all the family photos scattered in his brother’s room kind of clued him into something.
He found what he was looking for on his brother’s desk.
An exhibit listing with his brother’s name on the cover; ‘Seeing Our Lives Through’. So that’s what it’s about. His brother had an exhibition coming up and somehow Kazu understood what his brother wanted to show the world with this exhibit.
And somehow, he knew what he could do to help.
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The night didn’t seem so welcoming here in the hospital. Jun longed for the comfort of his own bed, the familiar sounds of his own neighbourhood but there was none of that here. The hospital echoes with cold, sometimes scary sounds and there with this emptiness which accompanies the forlorn halls of the building.
Looking over to his side, Jun sighed at the sight of his sleeping brother. Ryo was fast asleep on the makeshift bed the hospital had provided but his sleep seemed laced with the same uneasiness that accompanied Jun. Sitting up Jun swung his legs off the bed, stretching himself. There was no way he could sleep at this rate, might as well go out and take a walk.
As he exited into the hallway, he bumped into a night shift nurse who smiled at him indulgently and told him, “Don’t be too noisy okay Okada-san.”
“I’m just going for a walk,” he told her.
“Sure,” she replied.
It seems as though she sensed he needed the fresh air. Very obviously she had worked here for a long time and knew what patients needed well.
He headed down the corridor to where he knew the terrace garden was, hoping that the door wasn’t lock. It wasn’t and Jun stepped gratefully into the refreshing night air.
Somehow, the only thing that was stuck in his mind was Haruka’s face. Since knowing she had lost her eyesight Jun found that he could not shake the thought out of his mind. Nor could he shake the memory of what the little girl, Nana, had told him.
“Tamaki sensei said Haruka nee-chan is special.”
Haruka nee-chan is special alright, he sighed at the thought, but he wish he knew exactly why Haruka nee-chan was special to Tamaki sensei and why was he, Jun, left out in the cold. His heart hurt - an irony when the tumour was in his head. His heart had been hurting a lot lately - so much so that it might become the actual cause of his death.
“Aniki…”
Jun turn to look at Ryo who had stepped out into the terrace as well, hair still messy and eyes still bleary from sleep.
“Aniki,” Ryo spoke up again, “Can’t sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“Want to talk?”
“Not really,” Jun replied, looking up at the night sky, “I just wanted to have some fresh air.”
“I see,” Ryo nodded, “Do you want me to leave you alone?”
Jun turned to look at his brother, shaking his head, “No, it’s okay… maybe I do want to talk after all.”
The two brothers walked across the garden to some stone seats situated in a row. The night scenery was nothing impressive but the silence and the calming breeze brought back some peace of mind for Jun. He found that he really did want to talk.
“I still miss her you know,” he said, knowing his brother understood full well who he was talking about, “But I don’t know what to do about it. All this while, I’m still wondering what went wrong… and meeting her again… it only increased the questions I have…”
Ryo placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder, “Ne, aniki… let me help you. Let me go and find her.”
“But I’m scared. I’m scared of finding out something that I might better be off left not knowing…”
Both brothers fell silent again, standing side by side but not voicing their thoughts, and both knowing that this conversation was not at the end yet. Ryo found himself more determined than ever to track down this woman and find some answers.
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++Jun++
Shall I tell you what I believe love is? I believe that if you truly love someone, you need to be selfish and you need to let the other person be selfish as well. That was what I told Erika… and I only told her that because I truly believe in it as well.
No, no, I don’t mean obsessive crazy selfish where the only happiness that counts is your own, that’s a different thing altogether. But what I mean is being selfish enough to not just sit back on your ass and take it. It means to not be a self sacrificing fool for someone who would end up just taking advantage of you and you putting up with it because you love them. If all you do is hurt, then what kind of love is that?
For some reason, I have a very clear memory of having said the same thing to Haruka.
I remember telling her, that what makes love so beautiful is the fact that you have someone you can truly be selfish with.
See, Haruka and I were cut out from almost the same mould. We were both orphans and we were both trying to make a living on our on. We were also both very passionate about our career - Haruka more so than I ever was. I believed that she had the makings to be a world famous photographer and even our sensei said that Haruka’s view of the world through the lens was exquisite.
The first time I realized I was in love with her was when I found myself rooted to the spot, watching her work in the studio. I watched that smile curve itself on her beautiful space and found that my heart was running a marathon inside me. I found that when she was sitting next to me, my hands became clammy and words became difficult to form in my mouth.
More than that, I found that I wanted to spend the rest of my life seeing that smile.
“Aniki…”
My younger standing at the door smiled at me as he held up a packed bento in front of him, a quick shake to indicate that he brought it for us to eat together. Then I saw the woman standing behind him and I smiled.
My sister in law smiled back at me.
My gaze travelled down to where their fingers were entwined together and I smiled broader. Kazu and Meisa were trying to work things out between them and it was gratifying to see them together like that.
But it makes me wonder where my youngest brother is though.
Maybe my brothers are not being straight with me. Maybe they’re still playing their ninja games.