Brother Of Mine (Chapter 16)
++Jun++
Growing up I had found two types of life’s worries. The kind that you can try to solve, and the kind that you realize won’t really matter if you let them go. The problem was trying to tell the difference between the two. I’m a worrier. It’s what I do. I worry about everything; about work - whether or not my pictures would turn out alright, about whether my staff are satisfied with their pay, about whether the client would choose to work with us again. I worry about my family - about aunt Ayako being bored and lonely by herself, about Kazu overworking, about Ryo caught in a situation he can’t handle.
Yes, I worry a lot.
But I do worry about myself too. Right now, my biggest worry would be that I would die before I can tell everyone what I need to tell them. Not just to my family members… but to others as well, my friends… the people I love… or have loved.
It was almost uncanny that this was the thought in my head when she walked into the wardroom. I nearly stopped breathing when I saw her and as I inhaled sharply, it was her name that came with my breath.
“Haruka…”
-------
Jun’s hand wnt almost instinctively to his beanie which he wore over his baldness but then he remembered that Haruka was blind now. It was strange that he felt glad she could not see him this way. Thin and gaunt, the sickness and the chemo had begun to take it’s toll and he didn’t want Haruka to see him like this, didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes.
The man by her side was another matter though, but he said nothing, his face betraying no emotions but the hand on her shoulder showed unmistakeable support and spoke volumes of their relationship.
“I’ll wait for you outside,” the man told her. He gave Jun a bow in greeting then turned and left.
Jun sat there for a moment, not too sure how to react and she stood at the doorway, as though contemplating his silence. Finally she spoke up.
“Jun?”
“Here,” he responded.
She turned her head at the sound of his voice and took a tentative step towards him, her white cane clicking on the floor as she navigated her way across the ward. Jun wanted to get out of the bed to help her but somehow he knew she would not have appreciated his help.
He did pull up the chair to offer to her when she reached his bed, helping her sit down.
Then silence.
Jun wanted to spend the rest of eternity studying her face like this, his heart a thrumming beat thrumming beat like a musician who found his latest melody. Ayase Haruka had been his first love, and until now, his only love. Life had not given him a lot of chances recently.
“You’re looking well,” he spoke up, realizing belatedly how wrong it was to use that phrase with her.
She didn’t seem to mind though, smiling slightly at his comment.
“How have you been?” she asked in response.
He sighed, not really sure how to answer to that, “I could have been better.”
Another awkward pause.
“How did you know I was here Haruka?”
“Your brothers… Kazu-kun and Ryo-kun came to see me.”
Ah, he should have known they were up to something. Their eyes had been glinting these past few days. Well it’s not like he had the right to be annoyed with them.
She must have mistaken his silence for anger, or annoyance because tears suddenly began to roll down her cheeks.
“Ha… Haruka… don’t cry!” Jun proclaimed, reaching for the tissue box on his bedside table, nearly knocking off the vase of flowers as he did so. He managed to grab the box and pulled out a crumpled fist of tissues which he pressed into her hand.
She hiccupped, pressing the tissues to her face, wiping the tears away before smiling wanly, “My sight might have left me but my ability to cry is still very much intact.”
“You always did cry too much for your own good,” he responded jokingly and she laughed feebly in response.
Both of them settled back, the awkwardness lessened by the exchange. Haruka sighed softly, brushing back her hair from her face almost absentmindedly and Jun felt his heart tightened at that familiar gesture. So much about her remained the same… but… was he wrong at the fact he caught the tremor in her hands?
“Haruka?” he asked her, “I… I don’t want to press you… but would it be alright for us to talk? For me to ask what happened? To you? To us?”
“No…” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper, “It’s your right to do so.”
And in a halting voice she told him what she had already told his brothers earlier, about her illness, about her decision to leave him, about Hiroshi.
Jun listened in silence, not ignoring the pain that flittered through him every now and again from his heart but more surprised by the fact that there was no anger.
He had gone through it all when she left him, despair, denial, anger, then back to despair. All that was left was acceptance, and as she finished her story, he reached a hand out, taking hers in his.
Acceptance.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly, taking in the look of confusion on her face, “I’m sorry I couldn’t gave been a stronger man that you could have trusted to rely on when you found out about your sickness…”
“No, Jun!” she protested, “No, that’s not it at all…”
“But that is what happened,” he responded, “I should have been stronger, strong enough to support you… and you could have been stronger too, strong enough to trust me.”
Haruka didn’t reply, but her hands in his tightened for a moment.
“We were young,” he responded, “We make mistakes.”
“I didn’t make a mistake when I fell in love with you back then,” she said now, “For all its worth Junichi, I truly loved you.”
“And now?”
“I…” she took a deep shuddering breath, “I love you still… but not in the same way anymore. I had not wanted to fall in love with Hiroshi, had resisted it quite adamantly - but… I soon began to realize how much I needed him beside me.”
“Do you love him now?”
“Yes.”
“Then that’s all I need to know,” Jun told her, wiping away the fresh tears on her cheeks, pressing a soft, chaste kiss on both left and right cheek.
“Thank you Haruka,” he said, “For coming here and seeing me. I know it wasn’t easy.”
“I owed it to you Jun,” she choked, “and thank you as well… for having loved me despite all my flaws.”
“We are all flawed Haruka. The only thing we can do is do our best with what life gives us.”
He paused, touching her cheek one last time before he let her go, “Come visit me again will you Haruka? As a friend?”
She smiled slowly at that, nodding, “I will.”
------
++Kazu++
You know how some people are so altruistic, so strong that it makes your teeth grit on edges? Most people would think Jun-ni is like that. He’s not actually. I saw Haruka walk out of the hospital just as I arrived and I had all but sprinted up to Jun-ni’s room.
My first instinct had been to barge into his ward but I found myself pausing by the door instead.
Jun-ni was curled up on his bed, knees pulled up to him, pillow held tightly in his grip as he cried, rocking slowly back and forth. I leaned back against the wall, unable to bring myself to go in. He needed to be alone. Something told me he needed to be alone.
That realization made me sink slowly to the floor, crying my own silent tears at the realization that no matter how Ryo and I try, Jun-ni, at the end of the day, will never truly share his pain with us.
That’s just who he is, that’s just the person Jun-ni had grown up to be. He didn’t know how to deal when the illusion of his strength was shattered and as his brother, all I can do was understand that.
It didn’t mean I couldn’t hurt for him and I do.
So this is us, two brothers, one on his bed, dying of cancer, breaking apart at his inability to hold his life together, the other on the floor outside, breaking apart for being unable to help him.
------
Jun woke up rather groggily. His head hurts but that was common these days. The pain was slightly different though; it was the laggard dullness of having cried himself to sleep. He had not done that since his parents died. Sitting up he stretched himself and did a double take to see Kazu asleep on the couch in his ward room.
His younger brother has always looked younger than his twenty seven years but asleep and curled up like that he seemed impossibly like a teenager. When the hell did he get here?
Sighing, Jun picked up his blanket and draped it on his brother’s sleeping form before turning to shuffle over to the bathroom, pausing long enough to pour himself a glass of water and drink.
As he washed his face, his headache slowly ebbed away and Jun studied his reflection in the mirror.
In three weeks since he started chemo he had lost what seemed like half his bodyweight and his gaunt cheeks enhanced his eyes making him look startling. He pressed his hands to his cheeks, opening his mouth wide in an imitation of Munch’s painting ‘the scream’ then chuckled to himself at his childish display. It’s true what they say then. Sometimes you need to cry your grief out of your system.
He felt a lot better this morning, and the dull aching pain in his heart that Haruka had left him with last night was almost like it’s nothing but a memory.
Almost.
As he came out of the bathroom Kazu stirred, sitting up and running a hand through sleep rumpled hair.
“Good morning aniki,” he mumbled.
“Morning,” Jun replied, “What time did you get here last night?”
“About two in the morning I think. I came in and you were already asleep.”
“Don’t you need to go to the office?”
“It’s Sunday ani,” he grumbled, standing up and stretching himself.
“You used to work on Sundays all the time,” Jun pointed out, pouring a glass of water and handing it to his brother.
“Used to. I’ve learned that working on Sundays is not good for my sanity.”
“Did you now?”
“I did.”
Jun sat back on his bed as Kazu went to wash himself in the toilet before coming back out. Just as Kazu came out, Jun’s doctor, Naohito Fujiko walked into the room.
“Ah, Naohito-sensei,” both the brothers greeted him simultaneously, “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” the doctor responded, coming over to look at Jun. He did the normal inspections before settling back into the couch, a serious look on his face.
“Okada-san, there’s something I wanted to run by you.”
“Yes sir?”
“A colleague of mine in the states recently contacted me about a new type of drug that they’ve been developing. There are no promises but the results have been quite revolutionary.” He paused frowning slightly in thought before asking Jun, “I was wondering if you might be interested to sign up for the trial process here in Japan?”
Both the brothers stared at him round eyed.
“Are you saying there…” Jun took a deep swallow, afraid of the words he spoke up next, “There might be a chance sensei?”
“We can’t know for sure. All cases are unique in and of themselves right? But the results for this drug have been promising.”
“What’s this treatment called sensei?” Kazu asked.
“Anti Angiogenesis,” the doctor replied, “The drug prevents or slows down the growth of cancer by blocking the formation of new blood vessels. If we combine it with the chemotherapy drugs and radiation therapy work that we’re doing now, we might be able to keep the tumour stable… but…”
“There’s always a ‘but’ isn’t there?” Kazu sighed and Naohito nodded regretfully.
“The drugs can compromise your immune system, and in worst cases your heart function as well. However, you’re body has been in good health up until the tumour, and you’re only twenty nine, I think you’re a good candidate for the trial.”
“I see…” Jun spoke up, “Will you give me some time to think about it sensei? I’ll need to discuss it with my family first.”
“Of course,” the doctor told him, “What ever you decide Jun.”
“And… thank you Naohito-sensei.”
Naohito Fujiko smiled, placing a hand on Jun’s shoulder before walking out of the ward room.
Both brothers watched his departing back in silence before Kazu said in a soft voice, “I’m going to go do some research on this treatment aniki. And I’ll tell Ryo and Aunt Ayako what Naohito-sensei said. We should all talk about this.”
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++Ryo++
“There’s a chance aniki’s condition can be turned around?” I asked, my voice raising a few octaves at the news Kazu-ni was telling me over the phone, “That’s marvellous news!”
“But there’s no guarantee about anything,” Kazu-ni told me, “I’ve been doing some research on this treatment and yes, there’s been so miraculous results but it’s still far and few in between.”
I paused, biting the bottom of my lips as Kazu-ni continued, “Whatever the case is, I’ll see you at Jun-ni’s ward room later. Ask someone else to cover for you at the bar.”
I looked up at Pi who was sprawled on the sofa, watching TV and placed the hand over the receiver, “Pi, can you run the bar tonight? Kazu-ni wants me to be at the hospital tonight.”
“Sure,” Pi replied, looking at me, “Why, is Jun-ni okay?”
“Ah… there’s something he wants to discuss with the family.”
“I see, sure. Give my best wishes to the rest of your family.”
I turned back to the phone in my hand, “Alright, I’ll see you at the hospital later then aniki.”
“Alright.”
As I hung up the phone, I pushed Pi’s legs aside from where he was sprawled on the sofa and sat down myself.
“So what’s up?” Pi asked me.
“Kazu told me that Naohito-sensei suggested that Jun-ni participated in a trial drug treatment. Apparently the treatment has had quite amazing results in the states and this is the first trial run they want to carry out in Japan.”
“Then?”
“There’s always the case of side effects…” I told him, sighing, “So thought it might prove to be a miracle drug, it might have adverse effects and with Jun-ni’s current condition, I wonder if it’s something he should risk it.”
Pi sat up properly, pressing the tip of his fingers together as he pondered my words, “What do you think about it Ryo?”
“Um… well… I…”
“You see the problem with trial drugs is that more often then not people choose to be on them because they feel they have nothing more to lose even when it might increase the risks for themselves,” Pi commented, “And truth is sometimes the hope really outweighs the risks.”
I cast a sideway glance at my friend.
Pi and I might be the same age but the truth is, he’s a lot more wiser than I could ever aspire to be.
“Is hope always worth the risk?”
“Isn’t hope the one thing that truly drives the human race?” Pi mused, “My mother used to tell me - there are three things needed in order for us to be truly happy. Someone to love, something to do… and something to hope for. Without one of those three true happiness is rarely achievable.”
True happiness.
I wonder if I had ever really known what true happiness is.
“You can sit and discuss as a family Ryo-kun,” Pi reminded me, “But in the end it’s his decision and as family the best you should do is support him regardless of what decisions he makes.”
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“Three more days to the festival,” Erika remarked, “And then Jun-ni’s exhibition.”
“I wonder if the doctor would allow Jun-ni to come out for either.”
“Meisa-chan’s been helping Eita set up Jun-ni’s exhibition space isn’t she?”
“Yeah,” Ryo answered, “It’s the summer holidays for her university so she said she has plenty of time to help.”
“Have you seen the pictures Jun-ni has chosen for the exhibition? I mean, you know his theme right?”
“I have a rough idea of what his theme is, but I haven’t seen the collection he’s putting up yet. He’s keeping that tightly under wraps.”
“I see,” Erika responded, swivelling around on the bar stool before resting her chin on the bar as she watched her boyfriend work, “And what about the treatment? How is it progressing?”
“They just started the anti angiogenesis treated last week. The doctor said they’ll need a little more time to decide whether or not there are any positive effects of the drugs.”
“And your poem?”
“It’s done.”
“Are you going to let me hear it?”
Ryo smiled, tweaking his girlfriend’s nose before going back to the bar’s account log, “No. You’ve already heard yours. This one is for the recital. You’ll hear it when everyone else does.”
“Not fair,” she pouted to his replying grin.
-------
++Kazu++
I pursed my lips as I reread the report I had been working on for the last five days. It was a Saturday morning and I was in Jun-ni’s hospital room, hunched over the small foldable table I had brought along with me.
Across the ward room Jun-ni is curled up in his bed, asleep. He was easily tired these days and spends more time asleep than anything else. His speech has slowed and his control over the left side of his body was beginning to falter. Naohito sensai spoke to us this morning about the progress of Jun-ni’s treatment.
The Anti Angiogenesis drugs which they had started him on had been slow in responding but he was still positive about it saying he had seen a decrease in the bruises around the tumour in aniki’s brain. If it stabilized and no more growth occurs they might be able to perform surgery to remove the tumour.
I was no blind to the words that Naohito sensei was not saying. Jun-ni was already late into his disease and the chances of turning his condition around were still slim.
My brother stirred on the bed then and I pushed my work aside, coming to sit beside him.
“Are you hungry aniki?”
“Toilet,” he replied, his voice weak and dry.
Helping him up, I helped him to the toilet, then when we returned to his bed, I poured some water for him. He drank barely half a cup.
“What are you doing?” he asked me, eyeing the pile of paper on my foldable table.
“Just a report on the last case I was working on.”
“I see,” he responded, “You should get back to your work.”
“It’s almost done,” I told him, “Don’t worry about it.”
He nodded before curling back up in his bed. I sighed, tucking him back in, adjusting that beanie Meisa had given him which he loves wearing so much.
My own hair had begun to grow back out and was like a short one inch buzz now as has Ryo’s. in fact, Ryo’s hair seemed to be growing much faster than mine. A fact which I think is terribly unfair.
“Are we going to go to Ryo’s recital tomorrow?” Jun-ni asked me and I nodded, “Naohito-sensei said it would be okay for you to come as well. Ryo’s slotted to perform at three.”
He brightened up when I said that, grinning happily. It’s been a while since he was last out of the hospital and the prospect of an outing, and seeing Ryo perform onstage was a double delight for him. I must admit though, I would have never seen that coming for a thousand years.
Shy soft spoken Ryo performing onstage in front of hundreds of people just sounded surreal.
------
The hall was packed for the recital as the event was popular particularly amongst the younger people and apart from the poetry recital some artists had also been invited to perform. Backstage, Ryo found himself pacing the room where all the contestants were waiting, his hands feeling clammy and cold.
He had told himself that come hell or high water, he would perform tonight but telling his racing heart to calm down was a little harder than he had expected. Erika handed him the bottle of water she had brought with her and planted a sloppy kiss on his forehead.
“You’re going to be fine you big scaredy puss,” she laughed, “Now have a drink and I’m going to go to the hall to meet with Jun-ni.”
“They’re bringing him in with an ambulance are they?” Ryo asked anxiously, “He’ll be fine won’t he?”
“You just focus on your recital,” she admonished her boyfriend, “The nurse will be with him and it’s only ten minutes from the hospital. Nothing is going to happen to him. Besides, didn’t Naohito-sensei just told us that the medication seemed to finally be responding? His chemo would be much more effective after this.”
“Right,” Ryo nodded, opening the bottle of water and taking a big slug from it.
Erika left him backstage to go meet the rest of the family as she said she would. Kazu and Meisa were helping Jun off the ambulance when she reached them and he smiled warmly at the sight of her.
Yamapi pulled up behind the ambulance a minute later, having gone to pick up Aunt Ayako at the house.
“Can you believe Ryo deciding to perform at a recital this big?” Jun remarked as they pushed him into the building.
“That’s not all,” Yamapi spoke up, “Rika, have you shown Jun-ni the magazine yet?”
“What magazine?” Jun asked in surprise when the said magazine was produced from Erika’s backpack and placed on his lap.
“Ryo sent in some of his works to this magazine,” she told him, “And they published three of his poems.”
“No kidding!”
“That’s not even the best part!” she grinned, “The publishers asked if he might be interested in being featured as one of the three young poets for an anthology they plan to publish next year.”
“Woah…”
“Who would have thought our little brother had been hiding a talent like that,” Kazu laughed.
“One of the ones he’s reciting tonight is his latest work,” Erika told them, “He’s been keeping it under wraps so excitedly that it’s been bubbling out of his ears.”
Ryo was the fifth performance and the family clapped their hands enthusiastically at the ones before but when Ryo’s name was announced they all cheered and clapped louder.
Ryo cleared his throat several times before he pulled up the seat and settled his guitar on his lap. He waved to his family, grinning widely.
“Um…” he began rather nervously, “A few months ago, I would never have thought about letting anyone read my poetry, much less recite any on stage.”
Ryo paused, looking at his family, “But I think there is a limit to how long one can hide. My family, my brother, helped me realize that.”
He adjusted the mike as the smile shone on his face, “So this one is for my big brother.”
“The burning red sun melts away
Let's make a run for the far off horizon
I'm not that weak that I'd get depressed
Over being called reckless
After all, no matter what
I'm always holding my dreams
I don't have time
To think about what might happen tomorrow
A strong wind is blowing
If you stop I'll protect you
Until the wind stops blowing
I'll never forget your eyes
When I turned around
I'm heading towards the burning red sun
With all my strength
To catch happiness with you
Let's make a run for the far off horizon
"I can't hear, I won't stop, I won't give up
The redness of the sun, I want to protect you
My reflection in your eyes won't disappear"
The more the world is filled with the darkness of lies and deception
The more I pray that the burning red sun won't go down
That it will keep shining forever
The burning red sun melts away
Let's make a run for the far off horizon”
[*Translation to the lyrics ‘Akaku Moyuru Taiyo’ credits to:
http://www.jpopasia.com/lyrics/5732/news/akaku-moyuru-taiyo.html]