What you should know..
I did NOT write this, so don't message me with "tsk! i'm offended!".. a coworker of mine wrote this and there's a lot of us who agree. lmao
Things you should know before coming into my place of work...
Things to consider, based on a mixture of experiences and observations at Central City:
1) There are bathrooms in the mall, the mall itself is not a bathroom. This means you, guy who dropped a deuce in the center court the other day, drugged out lady who wet herself today, and the slew of intoxicated females who foul up the north plaza (strange how it's usually females).
2) Please do not consume your urine.
3) Please do not make sexual comments at, or show your genitalia to people in the mall, this means you fellas.
4) Believe it or not, security DOES NOT make the fucking policies, we follow mall administrations' rules, so stop getting pissed at us when you get kicked out for doing something you aren't supposed to.
5) This may make me sound like a tool, but you aren't an exception to the rules. EVERYBODY fucking asks me to make an exception for them, like each and every one of them is a rock star or some shit. What you don't understand is there are cameras everywhere, and if my supervisor sees a trend of me letting people do shit they're not supposed to, I'm out of a job. So spare me your bullshit, you don't need to park your motorcycle in front of the plaza doors, you don't need to drink on the property, and you sure as hell don't need to go up in to somebody's place of business to "check out the view".
6) As mentioned above, there are cameras everywhere. People who like to do their business in public seem to forget this.
7) Also mentioned above, the tower has no public observation deck, and no, you can't just walk in to someone's office space to gawk out the window when people are trying to work. Why don't I just walk right in to your fucking house and look out the window at your garden.
8) This is a major one: SFU IS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE! Why don't people get this? It says SFU on the side of the building above Blenz Coffee, it says Simon Fraser University on the stairs that lead up to the university, you should be able to tell by the students traversing the balconies that it's SFU, so why do you fucking mouth breathers keep coming to the desk to ask me where SFU is!?
9) If you are too much of a dumbass to understand my directions, just give up and go home. There's few things more frustrating at my job then when I give someone directions and they give me a blank stare in return because it involved more than two turns. Also, if I tell you to take the big staircase (or the small elevator next to it) up to SFU and you take the little one in to the mall and go all the way around and come back and try and tell me I gave you wrong directions, prepare for me to explain it to you again, except this time, I'll explain it the way I would to an 8 year old. Trust me, if my condescending tone doesn't make you feel like a dumbass, the realization that you totally walked by the big ass staircase will.
10) Don't bring your bike or skateboard in to the mall.
11) Don't bring your pet in to the mall (seeing eye dogs exempt).
12) Getting drunk in public may seem funny to you, but you're really just making an ass of yourself.
13) Attention strung out prostitutes: don't scratch your crab infested crotches in public, or at least not without some sort of warning signal, seriously, never before have I actually wanted to scrub my eyes with an SOS pad.
14) Stop taking photos of the mall, it's not allowed. I think it's a stupid policy too, but if you don't got permission from mall admin, I'm gonna be asking you to stop.
15) If you're banned from the mall, just don't come, it's really not complicated.
16) If you're gonna steal shit, make sure you're fit enough to get away.
17) Stop screaming "I didn't do anything!" while you're pinned on the ground, that's not gonna make us let you go.
18) We can't detain everyone who fits some vague ass description like "tall Caucasian male" or "East Indian Females wearing black", no matter how angry you are that your shit got jacked.
19) Everyone thinks so little of security guards' capabilities until some shit actually goes down, and then suddenly we have the power to be everywhere at once. If you ask "where was security?" you already know the answer- "Somewhere else!"
20) If you're prone to seizures, wear a helmet.
21) If you're going to assault a guard, throw a punch, most of us would actually prefer that to spitting.
22) Believe it or not, my life does not revolve around my job there, I can't give you directions to every location within a ten mile radius.
23) If you need to get through a locked door that is in the distance, it would be nice if you said what the door looks like and where it goes to instead of just vaguely pointing in a direction and saying "that door over there". Oh, and when I ask again which door it is, repeating the exact same thing won't help.
24) This may be asking a lot, but if you could overdose FAR AWAY from Central City, that would be fantastic.
25) If I ask you to leave, you can call me any name in the book you want, just do it on your way out.
26) When a bunch of guards are standing there about to throw your ass to the ground, you aren't really helping your case by calling us pussies for ganging up on you, we don't get paid to act like tough guys, we get paid to get rid of people who do things they shouldn't, and we'll do it in the most effortless manner possible, I mean c'mon, if we were go-getters, we wouldn't be working mall security.
Things you should know before coming into my place of work...
Things to consider, based on a mixture of experiences and observations at Central City:
1) There are bathrooms in the mall, the mall itself is not a bathroom. This means you, guy who dropped a deuce in the center court the other day, drugged out lady who wet herself today, and the slew of intoxicated females who foul up the north plaza (strange how it's usually females).
2) Please do not consume your urine.
3) Please do not make sexual comments at, or show your genitalia to people in the mall, this means you fellas.
4) Believe it or not, security DOES NOT make the fucking policies, we follow mall administrations' rules, so stop getting pissed at us when you get kicked out for doing something you aren't supposed to.
5) This may make me sound like a tool, but you aren't an exception to the rules. EVERYBODY fucking asks me to make an exception for them, like each and every one of them is a rock star or some shit. What you don't understand is there are cameras everywhere, and if my supervisor sees a trend of me letting people do shit they're not supposed to, I'm out of a job. So spare me your bullshit, you don't need to park your motorcycle in front of the plaza doors, you don't need to drink on the property, and you sure as hell don't need to go up in to somebody's place of business to "check out the view".
6) As mentioned above, there are cameras everywhere. People who like to do their business in public seem to forget this.
7) Also mentioned above, the tower has no public observation deck, and no, you can't just walk in to someone's office space to gawk out the window when people are trying to work. Why don't I just walk right in to your fucking house and look out the window at your garden.
8) This is a major one: SFU IS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE! Why don't people get this? It says SFU on the side of the building above Blenz Coffee, it says Simon Fraser University on the stairs that lead up to the university, you should be able to tell by the students traversing the balconies that it's SFU, so why do you fucking mouth breathers keep coming to the desk to ask me where SFU is!?
9) If you are too much of a dumbass to understand my directions, just give up and go home. There's few things more frustrating at my job then when I give someone directions and they give me a blank stare in return because it involved more than two turns. Also, if I tell you to take the big staircase (or the small elevator next to it) up to SFU and you take the little one in to the mall and go all the way around and come back and try and tell me I gave you wrong directions, prepare for me to explain it to you again, except this time, I'll explain it the way I would to an 8 year old. Trust me, if my condescending tone doesn't make you feel like a dumbass, the realization that you totally walked by the big ass staircase will.
10) Don't bring your bike or skateboard in to the mall.
11) Don't bring your pet in to the mall (seeing eye dogs exempt).
12) Getting drunk in public may seem funny to you, but you're really just making an ass of yourself.
13) Attention strung out prostitutes: don't scratch your crab infested crotches in public, or at least not without some sort of warning signal, seriously, never before have I actually wanted to scrub my eyes with an SOS pad.
14) Stop taking photos of the mall, it's not allowed. I think it's a stupid policy too, but if you don't got permission from mall admin, I'm gonna be asking you to stop.
15) If you're banned from the mall, just don't come, it's really not complicated.
16) If you're gonna steal shit, make sure you're fit enough to get away.
17) Stop screaming "I didn't do anything!" while you're pinned on the ground, that's not gonna make us let you go.
18) We can't detain everyone who fits some vague ass description like "tall Caucasian male" or "East Indian Females wearing black", no matter how angry you are that your shit got jacked.
19) Everyone thinks so little of security guards' capabilities until some shit actually goes down, and then suddenly we have the power to be everywhere at once. If you ask "where was security?" you already know the answer- "Somewhere else!"
20) If you're prone to seizures, wear a helmet.
21) If you're going to assault a guard, throw a punch, most of us would actually prefer that to spitting.
22) Believe it or not, my life does not revolve around my job there, I can't give you directions to every location within a ten mile radius.
23) If you need to get through a locked door that is in the distance, it would be nice if you said what the door looks like and where it goes to instead of just vaguely pointing in a direction and saying "that door over there". Oh, and when I ask again which door it is, repeating the exact same thing won't help.
24) This may be asking a lot, but if you could overdose FAR AWAY from Central City, that would be fantastic.
25) If I ask you to leave, you can call me any name in the book you want, just do it on your way out.
26) When a bunch of guards are standing there about to throw your ass to the ground, you aren't really helping your case by calling us pussies for ganging up on you, we don't get paid to act like tough guys, we get paid to get rid of people who do things they shouldn't, and we'll do it in the most effortless manner possible, I mean c'mon, if we were go-getters, we wouldn't be working mall security.