Entry #189 - Le Sigh
Dear Journal,
I'm sorry I haven't written in you for so long! I've been so busy... Last week alone I worked 30 hours and I'm taking 14 credit hours... Nonetheless, Chinese itself is very difficult! I really need to get good grades this semester also, to bring my rapidly dropping GPA up... So, I've got my hands full this semester.
On a personal level, I've been able to not dwell in my increasing saddness. For, after each week of not hearing a response from Isao... my hope slowly diminished. But, during the week I was truly too busy to think about it too much... except when I went to sleep... Then the issue just became very numb. It turned into a state in which I didn't care much about... because you truly cannot dwell on these things too much. And, honestly I've done nothing wrong in this situation.
Also, each of my friends offer a different insight on this situation.
And, every Saturday I reach my lowest... Because it is Sunday in Japan and I expect him to call or write on that day... but every week I only receive silence.
Honestly, that break-up e-mail is all I heard from him in almost a month.
The battle inside me goes as follows:
Some of my friends advocate me being active and aggressive with my situation with Isao.
Kei, Jamo and Farron say that I should contact Isao and try to understand.
Some, advocate me forgetting about Isao and moving on.
My mother and Lindsey, Yuta, Mune (etc.) say that his behavior is inexcusable and that it is really over.
*sigh* So, through trying to make up my own mind... I became numb to the issue.
Through silence I'd come to understand that he didn't really care... it was difficult... and then I began to feel as if everything in the past was nothing but a lie. That he used me and my family, used especially me...
Kei has been constantly bothering Isao at work, and I receive messages from Kei frequently... such as: "Today, I have a news. I talked with Isao and I asked him whether he called you or not. He said "Not yet." However, I suggested that he should call you and talk with each other on this issue. He said "I will call her." Although he didn't mentioned when you would call you, I hope it will be a good news for you." (January 24th)
Which only feeds my hope... and surely enough, Isao didn't call...
Sadly, the reality is, that there is nothing I can do.
Yet, I decided that I deserved to know. So last weekend, I went with Jamo to get a phone card and Jamo made me call Isao that night... I only got his answering machine though... so I left a message in Japanese asking him to call me. Then, I wasn't sure if it was even the right number and I wrote this message:
Subject: 分からない
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2007 15:50:43 -0700
中村武夫様
明日、武夫様の細胞電話を電話しました。
私と電話をしてくだい。いつでも良かったりがあったり、しかし電話をしてくだい。
私達の関係はただのうそだったか？
私はあなたに愛し続けるの。
I don't know what to do?
分からない。
悲しませる…
たくさん悲しくになる。
微笑と笑うのが覚えない！ （Ｔ＿Ｔ）
また、武夫様の状態どうですか？
武夫様の状態が心配している…
分かることが助けてお願いします。
日本語はまだ下手です。ごめんなさい。
ヘザー より
*Translation for non-Japanese speakers:
Mr. Isao Nakamura,
Yesterday, I called your cell phone.
Please call me. Anytime is good, but please call.
Was our relationship just a lie?
I continue to love you.
I don't know what to do?
I don't understand.
Regret...
I've become very sad.
I don't remember how to smile or laugh.
Also, how has your condition been?
I worry about your condition...
Please help me to understand.
My Japanese is still bad. I'm sorry.
From Heather
===================================================================
And you know how you just give up at something?
You've thought about it too much,
cried enough times,
just gotten sick of feeling 'that way'?
And you decide to move on...
THEN BAM.
Something pulls you back down.
Well, fuck you too life.
So, in case you're wondering, I received an e-mail from Isao on Saturday.
I still don't know how to handle it. Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
I started crying when I first read it, because I was so tired of hoping or thinking about him, and I was suffering... and finally ready to start accepting the fact that we were not in a relationship.
And, I'm still going to think that way...
But, here is the message:
"
Heather,
I'm sorry that I've not call you yet.
My boss(department) decided that I'm transferred to one of the important subsidiaries from this month
and I'm so busy right now...
I know that I have to call you as soon as possible but
I would appriciate it if you could wait a few days.
However, my mind has not changed...
I think I can't keep our relationship anymore.
It's not because of you but just because my situation.
I don't want to be bothered by love because I'd like to concentrate on my business.
I know that I'm selfish and hurting you very much.
So, I'm really sorry, but I can't...
Also, I swear that my feeling to you was not false.
So, I'm also shocked that you are doubting my feeling.
Take care,
Isao
"
At least, for the first time in a while, I can honestly say that the Isao I know wrote that.
It's his personality, finally, it's his feelings. This message doesn't seem so alien or foreign to me.
So, world, I'm tired of thinking about this.
I'm going to focus on only school and work. People here, time that is now.
But, I'm afraid... if he calls, what do I say?
:(
Jamo says that it shows Isao does still love me that he replied to my e-mail.
I refuse to believe.
But, please no more.
I just want to say, "Isao, if you don't love me anymore, then just leave me alone..."
And I can cry and get over it, just like every other heartbreak.
That was long... and now I'm tired... so I'll write more later.
- Lil' Heather Woo
I'm sorry I haven't written in you for so long! I've been so busy... Last week alone I worked 30 hours and I'm taking 14 credit hours... Nonetheless, Chinese itself is very difficult! I really need to get good grades this semester also, to bring my rapidly dropping GPA up... So, I've got my hands full this semester.
On a personal level, I've been able to not dwell in my increasing saddness. For, after each week of not hearing a response from Isao... my hope slowly diminished. But, during the week I was truly too busy to think about it too much... except when I went to sleep... Then the issue just became very numb. It turned into a state in which I didn't care much about... because you truly cannot dwell on these things too much. And, honestly I've done nothing wrong in this situation.
Also, each of my friends offer a different insight on this situation.
And, every Saturday I reach my lowest... Because it is Sunday in Japan and I expect him to call or write on that day... but every week I only receive silence.
Honestly, that break-up e-mail is all I heard from him in almost a month.
The battle inside me goes as follows:
Some of my friends advocate me being active and aggressive with my situation with Isao.
Kei, Jamo and Farron say that I should contact Isao and try to understand.
Some, advocate me forgetting about Isao and moving on.
My mother and Lindsey, Yuta, Mune (etc.) say that his behavior is inexcusable and that it is really over.
*sigh* So, through trying to make up my own mind... I became numb to the issue.
Through silence I'd come to understand that he didn't really care... it was difficult... and then I began to feel as if everything in the past was nothing but a lie. That he used me and my family, used especially me...
Kei has been constantly bothering Isao at work, and I receive messages from Kei frequently... such as: "Today, I have a news. I talked with Isao and I asked him whether he called you or not. He said "Not yet." However, I suggested that he should call you and talk with each other on this issue. He said "I will call her." Although he didn't mentioned when you would call you, I hope it will be a good news for you." (January 24th)
Which only feeds my hope... and surely enough, Isao didn't call...
Sadly, the reality is, that there is nothing I can do.
Yet, I decided that I deserved to know. So last weekend, I went with Jamo to get a phone card and Jamo made me call Isao that night... I only got his answering machine though... so I left a message in Japanese asking him to call me. Then, I wasn't sure if it was even the right number and I wrote this message:
Subject: 分からない
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2007 15:50:43 -0700
中村武夫様
明日、武夫様の細胞電話を電話しました。
私と電話をしてくだい。いつでも良かったりがあったり、しかし電話をしてくだい。
私達の関係はただのうそだったか？
私はあなたに愛し続けるの。
I don't know what to do?
分からない。
悲しませる…
たくさん悲しくになる。
微笑と笑うのが覚えない！ （Ｔ＿Ｔ）
また、武夫様の状態どうですか？
武夫様の状態が心配している…
分かることが助けてお願いします。
日本語はまだ下手です。ごめんなさい。
ヘザー より
*Translation for non-Japanese speakers:
Mr. Isao Nakamura,
Yesterday, I called your cell phone.
Please call me. Anytime is good, but please call.
Was our relationship just a lie?
I continue to love you.
I don't know what to do?
I don't understand.
Regret...
I've become very sad.
I don't remember how to smile or laugh.
Also, how has your condition been?
I worry about your condition...
Please help me to understand.
My Japanese is still bad. I'm sorry.
From Heather
===================================================================
And you know how you just give up at something?
You've thought about it too much,
cried enough times,
just gotten sick of feeling 'that way'?
And you decide to move on...
THEN BAM.
Something pulls you back down.
Well, fuck you too life.
So, in case you're wondering, I received an e-mail from Isao on Saturday.
I still don't know how to handle it. Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
I started crying when I first read it, because I was so tired of hoping or thinking about him, and I was suffering... and finally ready to start accepting the fact that we were not in a relationship.
And, I'm still going to think that way...
But, here is the message:
"
Heather,
I'm sorry that I've not call you yet.
My boss(department) decided that I'm transferred to one of the important subsidiaries from this month
and I'm so busy right now...
I know that I have to call you as soon as possible but
I would appriciate it if you could wait a few days.
However, my mind has not changed...
I think I can't keep our relationship anymore.
It's not because of you but just because my situation.
I don't want to be bothered by love because I'd like to concentrate on my business.
I know that I'm selfish and hurting you very much.
So, I'm really sorry, but I can't...
Also, I swear that my feeling to you was not false.
So, I'm also shocked that you are doubting my feeling.
Take care,
Isao
"
At least, for the first time in a while, I can honestly say that the Isao I know wrote that.
It's his personality, finally, it's his feelings. This message doesn't seem so alien or foreign to me.
So, world, I'm tired of thinking about this.
I'm going to focus on only school and work. People here, time that is now.
But, I'm afraid... if he calls, what do I say?
:(
Jamo says that it shows Isao does still love me that he replied to my e-mail.
I refuse to believe.
But, please no more.
I just want to say, "Isao, if you don't love me anymore, then just leave me alone..."
And I can cry and get over it, just like every other heartbreak.
That was long... and now I'm tired... so I'll write more later.
- Lil' Heather Woo