Fic: Silent Cry, Flashpoint, Spike, G
The only thing he could remember of Lewis was a sentence, a simple sentence. Five words. Everything else since the explosion was in a blur. He wouldn’t be able to tell anyone what had happened after that deadly moment. He remembered crumbling onto the ground, then Greg cradling him into his arms and rocking him back and forth.
He had been bitter at first. Because of his own feelings towards his own best friend. Because of his despair. Because of his guilt. Because of his anger. He’d been angry at Lou, who’d decided that since Spike didn’t want to give up on him, he would sacrifice his life to safe his friend. So he’d decided out of anger for a few minutes that Lou’d been selfish to make this choice for Spike. And now he was overwhelmed by his guilt because he was feeling selfish to have even thought Lewis was selfish. That was running in his head and driving him up the wall. He knew he was beating himself for something he had no control over.
He felt numb. He hadn’t even come out of his basement until the funeral. He knew his mother had been the one who’d dragged his teammates when he hadn’t wanted to open his door, or when he’d refused to eat. She was the reason why Greg was telling him that it wasn’t his fault. But Spike knew better. He had been dreading the funeral because he knew it was his fault. He didn’t want to see the hate in Lou’s parents’ eyes when they would look at him and see his failures.
He hadn’t let a tear slip since the mine had gone off. He had screamed for so long that he hadn’t had the strength for tears. He had just been suffocating in Greg’s arms, like all his oxygen had been sucked by this explosion, but he hadn’t cried. Crying would have been another weakness, another failure.
The only thing he could remember was a sentence. Spike, it’s gonna be okay.
So when Lewis’ mother took both of his hands and looked at him straight in his eyes, he tried to look away. But he knew he hadn’t the right to do that. He owed her to hear her reproach. But he hadn’t foreseen that she would just ask how he was coping. After all, it was his fault if her son had died.
He apologized but she refused to hear it and told him it wasn’t his fault. It’d all happened because of the man who made the bomb. Spike wasn’t this man. He hadn’t installed the landmine. As she was telling him that, he thought that maybe he could believe her. Maybe.
She hugged him, telling him he would always be welcomed like their real son.
In her arms, he knew for sure he couldn’t bring his friend back. He couldn’t do anything to make things better. There wasn’t anything he could fix. He did the only thing he could do for Lewis. He cried.