Oh babble. . .
I want to make an early New Year’s Resolution.
Even if it’s still some six weeks off.
I want to stop judging people. I want to be there for my friends when they need me, no matter what, I want to be that strong person, that person who loves and does not hate, and does not push their friends out and away when they’re needed the most. I want to be that friend who can be counted on to be there when no one else is.
This year has been terribly rough for me, and I don’t know why it has been so rough. I thought I had climbed my mountains, had pushed past the anxiety, pushed past the fibro and it’s basketload of issues that includes chronic pain and depression and all that. . . But no, I got pushed down. One event after another tore me down one step after another until I hit rock bottom again.
Gods, am I sick of being here, and I’m sick of the dirty hate and bitterness in my heart, a hate and bitterness that’s only been fostered by. . . I won’t say. I don’t think I can exactly put it into words.
Perhaps I only have myself to blame. But I’m done with it, I’m done with being like this.
This week, maybe the last week and a half, I don’t know, it’s been a turn around, it’s been one epiphany after another. I connected with someone I considered a friend for sometime but never had the chance to sit down and talk with. Gods, am I glad for that. My eyes are opened for the first time in years, and I thank her for that. I can get past this, I can get stronger, while at the same time being a kinder and gentler soul.
I’m sick of the arrogance, I’m sick of the judging. It’s idiotic. No one is here for my entertainment, this whole thing, this whole thing called life is a journey where we all have to help each other find a way through a world that is sometimes dark and painful. I want to say I have no right to judge anyone else for their mistakes and failings, especially when it comes to my friends. We’re all human beings and we never grow up. There is always something more to learn and sometimes we have to learn the hard way, and learning the hard way is often punishment of its own, why punish our friends further by taking our love away when they need it most?
I’ve been too stupidly loyal, to some extent, while also bitter over my own wounds. I’ve been hurt so much, but at the same time, compared to some of my friends? It’s nothing, and I need to be there for them more, I need to be a better person.
I’ve done some terrible shit to my friends in the last couple years, lashing out, playing sides. . . It goes on.
I want to thank the individuals who have fought for me even after I had kicked them to the curb for what stupid ass, short-sighted arrogant reason for another. I want to thank them for having the compassion to forgive me. I want to thank them for being there when I’ve nearly given up on myself.
It really is true when they say a true friend is a person who walks in when everyone has walked out.
I concede there are. . .not unforgivable, I don’t want to use that word, but perhaps unreconcilable differences made by people who did cruel and malicious things . . . I don’t want to be friends with those people. . .
But, I want to believe that most people are good people, but we’re all deeply flawed in one way or another, maybe several ways, but that doesn’t make us anymore undeserving of friends and the love they bring. It’s just. . . some of us mature slower, or faster than others, and we do stupid things we don’t mean.
I used to think myself above it all sometimes, that it’d be easy for another individual to just snap their fingers to get out of a situation, but it’s not that easy, it’s different for all of us. It’s so important to realize that, we all have such a varied set of circumstances that for whatever reason makes things harder or easier.
For me, losing a friend, someone I loved and adored, was like having a knife in my heart, and to lose several at once, and a bunch over a span of a year was something so incredibly painful, and it’s taken me a veritable eternity to even start to get above it. Fine, it might be easier for you to get past it, but that doesn’t make you stronger than me. No, it doesn’t. I love my friends, maybe I love them too much. I say stupid shit, because I’m a stupid animal, a stupid human still developing, still learning, who grew up vastly alone. In the big scheme of things, the internet was my first gateway to ever having friends. I’m a socially awkward twat. I accept that, and by accepting that and admitting my shortcomings, I can make myself better. But losing friends hurts the worst, because my friends are my treasures because as a child I had so very few. I need to learn to fight hard again for those friends, and do anything for the people who truly love me.
Despite my judgy, shitty, arrogance, I have a decent track record for the whole forgiveness thing, thank gods. I gave a person who hurt me so terribly yet another chance, a person I swore I would never let back in this past summer, and in someways, I’m thankful she only shot herself in the foot by acting like a child, and acting just as much as child in person as she did online. I fear I may have been correct about her. . . :Sigh: I don’t even hate her, I don’t want to hate anyone, I probably still love her, and I still miss those times when we got along and we had good times, but. . .
But I forgive her.
Because she’s a stupid kid, and I’d rather hope that one day she grows up, and hope for the better good in her rather than hope bad things for her.
Otherwise, what does that say about me? Does that make me any better? No, it makes me worse.
I want to be a more empathic individual, and individual who is far more loyal, and is someone who her friends can depend on. Even her friends who have grown away from, the friend who never turns away from a loved one needing help.
I want to set a better example.
I want to teach people that, “I’m sorry,” still means something, I want to teach people that they can be human, because gods forbid a person makes a mistake or thousand because gods, they’re human. I want to teach my friends that there are truly people they can count on no matter what. Well, maybe I won’t help you bury that body. . . But I’m here, for a shoulder, at least, and I won’t hate you when you have a lapse of judgement or you lash out, because, gods, know I’ve been there. Gods knows that people have turned me away, and forced me away because of my issues, and I don’t want to be those people, I don’t want to be those individuals who have peppered my life since I can remember. I want to be the better person, I want to strive for perfection even if I can never have it and not even close. I don’t want hate in my heart. Especially not to anyone I call a friend.
I’m going to get better, I’m going to be a better individual, a better role model, and someone more deserving of love, because I know, sometimes, people really should’ve given up on me, but instead they were better individuals, and I want to be more like them. I want to love more, and I want to care more, because I think love is strength. I am truly most thankful for those people who have stuck with me through thick and thin, who came back to me, who fought for me, and let me cry myself stupid on their shoulders. There’s a lot I’ve got to learn.
Even if it’s still some six weeks off.
I want to stop judging people. I want to be there for my friends when they need me, no matter what, I want to be that strong person, that person who loves and does not hate, and does not push their friends out and away when they’re needed the most. I want to be that friend who can be counted on to be there when no one else is.
This year has been terribly rough for me, and I don’t know why it has been so rough. I thought I had climbed my mountains, had pushed past the anxiety, pushed past the fibro and it’s basketload of issues that includes chronic pain and depression and all that. . . But no, I got pushed down. One event after another tore me down one step after another until I hit rock bottom again.
Gods, am I sick of being here, and I’m sick of the dirty hate and bitterness in my heart, a hate and bitterness that’s only been fostered by. . . I won’t say. I don’t think I can exactly put it into words.
Perhaps I only have myself to blame. But I’m done with it, I’m done with being like this.
This week, maybe the last week and a half, I don’t know, it’s been a turn around, it’s been one epiphany after another. I connected with someone I considered a friend for sometime but never had the chance to sit down and talk with. Gods, am I glad for that. My eyes are opened for the first time in years, and I thank her for that. I can get past this, I can get stronger, while at the same time being a kinder and gentler soul.
I’m sick of the arrogance, I’m sick of the judging. It’s idiotic. No one is here for my entertainment, this whole thing, this whole thing called life is a journey where we all have to help each other find a way through a world that is sometimes dark and painful. I want to say I have no right to judge anyone else for their mistakes and failings, especially when it comes to my friends. We’re all human beings and we never grow up. There is always something more to learn and sometimes we have to learn the hard way, and learning the hard way is often punishment of its own, why punish our friends further by taking our love away when they need it most?
I’ve been too stupidly loyal, to some extent, while also bitter over my own wounds. I’ve been hurt so much, but at the same time, compared to some of my friends? It’s nothing, and I need to be there for them more, I need to be a better person.
I’ve done some terrible shit to my friends in the last couple years, lashing out, playing sides. . . It goes on.
I want to thank the individuals who have fought for me even after I had kicked them to the curb for what stupid ass, short-sighted arrogant reason for another. I want to thank them for having the compassion to forgive me. I want to thank them for being there when I’ve nearly given up on myself.
It really is true when they say a true friend is a person who walks in when everyone has walked out.
I concede there are. . .not unforgivable, I don’t want to use that word, but perhaps unreconcilable differences made by people who did cruel and malicious things . . . I don’t want to be friends with those people. . .
But, I want to believe that most people are good people, but we’re all deeply flawed in one way or another, maybe several ways, but that doesn’t make us anymore undeserving of friends and the love they bring. It’s just. . . some of us mature slower, or faster than others, and we do stupid things we don’t mean.
I used to think myself above it all sometimes, that it’d be easy for another individual to just snap their fingers to get out of a situation, but it’s not that easy, it’s different for all of us. It’s so important to realize that, we all have such a varied set of circumstances that for whatever reason makes things harder or easier.
For me, losing a friend, someone I loved and adored, was like having a knife in my heart, and to lose several at once, and a bunch over a span of a year was something so incredibly painful, and it’s taken me a veritable eternity to even start to get above it. Fine, it might be easier for you to get past it, but that doesn’t make you stronger than me. No, it doesn’t. I love my friends, maybe I love them too much. I say stupid shit, because I’m a stupid animal, a stupid human still developing, still learning, who grew up vastly alone. In the big scheme of things, the internet was my first gateway to ever having friends. I’m a socially awkward twat. I accept that, and by accepting that and admitting my shortcomings, I can make myself better. But losing friends hurts the worst, because my friends are my treasures because as a child I had so very few. I need to learn to fight hard again for those friends, and do anything for the people who truly love me.
Despite my judgy, shitty, arrogance, I have a decent track record for the whole forgiveness thing, thank gods. I gave a person who hurt me so terribly yet another chance, a person I swore I would never let back in this past summer, and in someways, I’m thankful she only shot herself in the foot by acting like a child, and acting just as much as child in person as she did online. I fear I may have been correct about her. . . :Sigh: I don’t even hate her, I don’t want to hate anyone, I probably still love her, and I still miss those times when we got along and we had good times, but. . .
But I forgive her.
Because she’s a stupid kid, and I’d rather hope that one day she grows up, and hope for the better good in her rather than hope bad things for her.
Otherwise, what does that say about me? Does that make me any better? No, it makes me worse.
I want to be a more empathic individual, and individual who is far more loyal, and is someone who her friends can depend on. Even her friends who have grown away from, the friend who never turns away from a loved one needing help.
I want to set a better example.
I want to teach people that, “I’m sorry,” still means something, I want to teach people that they can be human, because gods forbid a person makes a mistake or thousand because gods, they’re human. I want to teach my friends that there are truly people they can count on no matter what. Well, maybe I won’t help you bury that body. . . But I’m here, for a shoulder, at least, and I won’t hate you when you have a lapse of judgement or you lash out, because, gods, know I’ve been there. Gods knows that people have turned me away, and forced me away because of my issues, and I don’t want to be those people, I don’t want to be those individuals who have peppered my life since I can remember. I want to be the better person, I want to strive for perfection even if I can never have it and not even close. I don’t want hate in my heart. Especially not to anyone I call a friend.
I’m going to get better, I’m going to be a better individual, a better role model, and someone more deserving of love, because I know, sometimes, people really should’ve given up on me, but instead they were better individuals, and I want to be more like them. I want to love more, and I want to care more, because I think love is strength. I am truly most thankful for those people who have stuck with me through thick and thin, who came back to me, who fought for me, and let me cry myself stupid on their shoulders. There’s a lot I’ve got to learn.