Weekly H'scopes
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 26
Copyright 2009 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don't you think it's time you toned down your
manic aspirations? Aren't you curious about the sweet, sensitive success
that could be yours if only you got really calm and peaceful? Wouldn't it
be interesting to explore the more manageable opportunities that might
become available by accepting your limitations with humble equanimity?
APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare do any of those things, Aries. Your spiritual
duty for the foreseeable future is to be a brave initiator of ingenious
experiments . . . a high-powered self-starter who competes primarily with
yourself . . . a pioneering warrior who's in quest of transcendent exploits
that make it unnecessary to go to war.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): As you enter testing time, I may be the only
astrologer who has enough tough love to wake up your inner teacher,
ensuring that you'll get the expert help you need. And I may be the only
psychic healer who can polish your aura and help you dispose of the
karmic gunk that has been gumming up your luck. APRIL FOOL! I'm
powerful, but not *that* powerful. My job is to alert you to the work that
must be done so that you can do the work yourself. P.S. For best results,
blame no one for any sadness you may feel, and take full responsibility for
creating your own happiness.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Please do not snort meth in a hot-air balloon
with fake Peruvian shamans as you fly to a secret CIA fortress where you
put on a mask and play strip poker with high-ranking members of the
conspiracy to create one world government. APRIL FOOL! There's no way
you'll be invited to a whacked-out spectacle like that. Your wildness does
in fact need expression, but it will be perfectly satisfied with less
whacked-out adventures that are healthy for you and leave no messes in
their wake. Monitor yourself for any urges you may feel to seek out over-
the-top melodramas.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): So many miraculous images of Jesus have
been appearing in Cheetos corn chips lately that a new cult of "Cheesus"
worshipers has sprung up. I suggest you consider the possibility of joining
them. This is a favorable time to switch your religious affiliation to a faith
that puts great stock in goofy miracles. ARPIL FOOL! I lied, sort of.
There's really no mandate for you to become a Cheesus Freak. But it is a
fine time to add tender irreverence and fun-loving funkiness to your
spiritual aspirations.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I have a message for the city of Los Angeles,
regarded by most astrologers as a Leo: It would be wise to accept the
offer of tequila manufacturer Jose Cuervo, which has offered to pay a
handsome sum for the right to put its advertising sign beneath the huge
Hollywood sign in the Hollywood Hills. APRIL FOOL! This is a bad time for
all Leos, including L.A. and you, to sell their souls. In fact, the universe is
conspiring to bring you practical rewards for simply being your beautiful
self. I suggest you proceed according to the hypothesis that radiating
your highest integrity is the finest form of self-promotion.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is an ideal time to have sessions with a
sex therapist so as to get to the root of any inhibitions that might be
preventing you from claiming your full measure of orgasmic
enlightenment. APRIL FOOL! While this is a fantastic time to deepen your
access to the spiritual gifts of erotic bliss, you won't need a therapist to
accomplish it. Here's all you really require: 1. a fantasy of making love
with an inscrutable deity who has four arms, the better to hug you with;
2. a pretend aphrodisiac made from the peaches of immortality that you'll
steal from the tree of life in your dream tonight; 3. an invisible sex toy
that you create in your mind's eye while you're meditating about the
most sublime situation you've ever been in.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Maybe someday you will allow yourself to act
more like an Aries. You know, you'll barge ahead along a path of your own
making. You'll follow the siren call of your good instincts instead of the
waffling questions of your fine mind. You'll relish the scary sounds from
up ahead as potential opportunities to triumph over your fear and hone
your willpower. Don't do any of that stuff yet, though. You're not ready
for the challenge. Maybe in a few years. APRIL FOOL! Here's the truth,
Libra: Now is an excellent time to act more like an Aries.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Sometime in the next week, the spirits of
Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, John the Baptist, and Jean-Paul Sartre will
come to you in a vision to tell you how to prosper during the coming
Great Depression. With their expert tips you will spend the years 2010-
2013 safe and sound and well-fed in a gated community while millions of
your fellow humans are rioting in the streets over scraps of food. APRIL
FOOL! Everything I just said is a lie. The more modest truth is that you
now have access to great insight about how to increase your long-term
stability and security. Take advantage!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In a letter to Santa Claus last December,
a child from Seattle wrote, "Dear Santa, Can you give me a very special
superpower? What I want is to be able to make up songs everywhere I go,
and not have to work so hard to think of things to say to people because
a fresh, beautiful song will magically pour out of my mouth for all
occasions." I'm happy to announce that if this child is a Sagittarius, his or
her wish could soon come true. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is not a
literal reality. But it may have metaphorical value. The truth is, many of
you Sagittarians will be very fluid and imaginative in the coming weeks.
You may be able to create pretty much anything you put your mind to.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I'm definitely not encouraging you to go to
Youtube and watch the music video of the hamster eating popcorn on a
piano. You've got more important things to do, and shouldn't waste your
time on trivial diversions. So get down to business! Commit your whole
being to the crucial work you have ahead of you! Don't waver from your
laser-focused intention! APRIL FOOL! The truth is that if you want to
succeed in the coming days, you will have to stay loose, indulge in at
least a few blithe diversions, and not be a stern taskmaster demanding
perfection. So go watch the hamster. It's at tinyurl.com/agywon.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Nothing but great news for you as far as
the eye can see, Aquarius. You're much more likely than usual to win a
contest and be told you're hot and find loose money on the sidewalk. I
bet you'll also get an invitation that you never imagined possible and an
offer to have a conversation with a person you admire. Nor would I be
surprised if you finally garner a certain form of recognition you've been
pining for, get a message that will change your life in a sweet way, and
discover a brand new trick for experiencing pleasure. APRIL FOOL! I was
exaggerating. Maybe one or two of those wonderful things will happen (at
most, three), but not all of them. Don't be greedy.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I predict that sometime soon you will time-
travel to 2012 and then return to the present. While on your journey,
you'll learn the outcome of three major sports events that will happen
between now and then. This knowledge will eventually help you win large
bets that earn you millions of dollars. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You won't
literally engage in time travel, and you won't get access to valuable
sports scores. I bet you will, however, take a semi-magical excursion into
the future via a vivid dream or meditative vision, where you'll get a clear
idea of what would ultimately work and not work about your current
experiments in happiness.