being a mother, your experience may vary: part I, pregnancy
to become a mother is to worry.
caution: lengthy post and honesty ahead
it starts the moment you begin trying to conceive (if intentional) ... you worry about eating right, getting folic acid, wondering if you are fertile, if your partner is...
then you get that positive test... you worry about what reaction your partner will have when you tell him, the possibility of miscarriage (especially if you have already had one), will he/she be healthy and normal, are you eating right, are you drinking enough, what is labor going to be like, are you really ready for this, will you be able to afford everything that the child needs...
then you go to the doctor, they draw blood... you wonder and worry what they will find or not find. you go home wait and worry, then you get the call "congrats you really are pregnant". you stop worrying for a moment and celebrate.
then you start bleeding. the doctor says not to worry, it is normal to have some spotting. you worry anyway. to ease your mind they send you in for blood work, three times over the course of a week. you wait for the results. congratulations, you are still pregnant. you stop worrying for a moment and celebrate.
two weeks later you are still bleeding. you worry that your baby doesn't want to stay. that you will never have a chance to be a mother. you worry enough to call the doctor again. they look at your chart... oh, you have a history of miscarriage? go directly to the lab for yet MORE bloodwork. go directly from there to ultrasound. ultrasound shows subchorionic bleeding (behind the placenta there is blood pooling, could be that the placenta is going to tear away and you will lose the baby, maybe, maybe not.) you worry. you wait for the bloodwork to come back.
the doctor calls, says you have low progesterone. sends you to the pharmacy to pick up suppositories. your insurance won't cover it since it is "not medically necessary". you worry how you will be able to afford it and how much else won't be covered. you take the medicine, it is sticky and rather gross. it is uncomfortable and slimy, you wear panty liners and sex becomes too gross to consider with all the medicine, the bleeding stops eventually. you still worry.
you go in for your next appointment and they can't find the heartbeat at 10 weeks. you are terrified. they bring in the portable ultrasound, there it is, bouncing around and healthy... the little heart fluttering like a butterfly. your own heart soars. you stop worrying.
cue the morning sickness. you haven't been able to tolerate anything sweet for weeks. you are hardly keeping anything down, you worry that the baby isn't getting enough nutrients. eventually this goes away, the sickness, not the worry. you go to all your appointments. you do everything you can.
you feel your baby move for the first time. the wonder and joy of that moment, and the moment you first share that movement and your partner, parent or loved one feels it too, overcomes all thought of worry. those little flutters, the kicks, the squirms are a balm on a worried soul. it is amazing, miraculous.
you go in for the 20-week ultrasound after fighting with your insurance provider about where to go (you have to travel an hour there and an hour back). they do the scan, you fall in love with the little, seemingly perfect human growing inside you. you find out you are having a son, you picture him and are glad. they tell you to start counting kicks to make sure he is doing well (one more thing to make you worry.) you still worry about eating right, but for now the worry eases.
you go to your follow up visit with the doctor. they want more ultrasounds. of his heart. why his heart you ask. they say they couldn't get a clear image of it. you are terrified they are lying to you. you worry and go in for the next ultrasound, 3 agonizing weeks later. they find his heart still beating away and normal. you celebrate. you still worry.
you go in for more appointments. they keep sending you for more tests and ultrasounds. each one worries you. they tell you that he is growing too big and will be 10-12lbs at birth. you worry about the delivery. they encourage you to plan a c-section, you say NO! i am doing this naturally. they tell you he is in the wrong position, he is breech, they will still have to c-section you if they can't move him. they bring in the portable ultrasound since they will HAVE to send you to the hospital RIGHT NOW to turn him if there is any chance of you avoiding a c-section. he is head down, but up high. they worried you more for nothing. test after test. worry after worry. no wonder when your blood pressure gets high.
your blood pressure is high. they say words like induction. you worry about what your body is doing to the baby. you worry what your body is doing to itself. it is too early to deliver him, he isn't full term yet. you stop working. you have nothing to do now but worry. and go in for weekly appointments.
never mind that your feet are swollen until they look like pillows. or that you can't see your feet anyway. or that you are running to the bathroom every 5 minutes day and night and haven't had a decent nights sleep since month 4. every time you eat you have heartburn that won't stop, even from water. but as soon as you feel those kicks you get a little daydreamy and hope reigns supreme.
all you have to do now is make it through delivery...
caution: lengthy post and honesty ahead
it starts the moment you begin trying to conceive (if intentional) ... you worry about eating right, getting folic acid, wondering if you are fertile, if your partner is...
then you get that positive test... you worry about what reaction your partner will have when you tell him, the possibility of miscarriage (especially if you have already had one), will he/she be healthy and normal, are you eating right, are you drinking enough, what is labor going to be like, are you really ready for this, will you be able to afford everything that the child needs...
then you go to the doctor, they draw blood... you wonder and worry what they will find or not find. you go home wait and worry, then you get the call "congrats you really are pregnant". you stop worrying for a moment and celebrate.
then you start bleeding. the doctor says not to worry, it is normal to have some spotting. you worry anyway. to ease your mind they send you in for blood work, three times over the course of a week. you wait for the results. congratulations, you are still pregnant. you stop worrying for a moment and celebrate.
two weeks later you are still bleeding. you worry that your baby doesn't want to stay. that you will never have a chance to be a mother. you worry enough to call the doctor again. they look at your chart... oh, you have a history of miscarriage? go directly to the lab for yet MORE bloodwork. go directly from there to ultrasound. ultrasound shows subchorionic bleeding (behind the placenta there is blood pooling, could be that the placenta is going to tear away and you will lose the baby, maybe, maybe not.) you worry. you wait for the bloodwork to come back.
the doctor calls, says you have low progesterone. sends you to the pharmacy to pick up suppositories. your insurance won't cover it since it is "not medically necessary". you worry how you will be able to afford it and how much else won't be covered. you take the medicine, it is sticky and rather gross. it is uncomfortable and slimy, you wear panty liners and sex becomes too gross to consider with all the medicine, the bleeding stops eventually. you still worry.
you go in for your next appointment and they can't find the heartbeat at 10 weeks. you are terrified. they bring in the portable ultrasound, there it is, bouncing around and healthy... the little heart fluttering like a butterfly. your own heart soars. you stop worrying.
cue the morning sickness. you haven't been able to tolerate anything sweet for weeks. you are hardly keeping anything down, you worry that the baby isn't getting enough nutrients. eventually this goes away, the sickness, not the worry. you go to all your appointments. you do everything you can.
you feel your baby move for the first time. the wonder and joy of that moment, and the moment you first share that movement and your partner, parent or loved one feels it too, overcomes all thought of worry. those little flutters, the kicks, the squirms are a balm on a worried soul. it is amazing, miraculous.
you go in for the 20-week ultrasound after fighting with your insurance provider about where to go (you have to travel an hour there and an hour back). they do the scan, you fall in love with the little, seemingly perfect human growing inside you. you find out you are having a son, you picture him and are glad. they tell you to start counting kicks to make sure he is doing well (one more thing to make you worry.) you still worry about eating right, but for now the worry eases.
you go to your follow up visit with the doctor. they want more ultrasounds. of his heart. why his heart you ask. they say they couldn't get a clear image of it. you are terrified they are lying to you. you worry and go in for the next ultrasound, 3 agonizing weeks later. they find his heart still beating away and normal. you celebrate. you still worry.
you go in for more appointments. they keep sending you for more tests and ultrasounds. each one worries you. they tell you that he is growing too big and will be 10-12lbs at birth. you worry about the delivery. they encourage you to plan a c-section, you say NO! i am doing this naturally. they tell you he is in the wrong position, he is breech, they will still have to c-section you if they can't move him. they bring in the portable ultrasound since they will HAVE to send you to the hospital RIGHT NOW to turn him if there is any chance of you avoiding a c-section. he is head down, but up high. they worried you more for nothing. test after test. worry after worry. no wonder when your blood pressure gets high.
your blood pressure is high. they say words like induction. you worry about what your body is doing to the baby. you worry what your body is doing to itself. it is too early to deliver him, he isn't full term yet. you stop working. you have nothing to do now but worry. and go in for weekly appointments.
never mind that your feet are swollen until they look like pillows. or that you can't see your feet anyway. or that you are running to the bathroom every 5 minutes day and night and haven't had a decent nights sleep since month 4. every time you eat you have heartburn that won't stop, even from water. but as soon as you feel those kicks you get a little daydreamy and hope reigns supreme.
all you have to do now is make it through delivery...