*Owl for Scorpius*
If you truly do believe
that you are better off without me
That's how you should be.
Cause I don't have a point to prove
Or a stand to make
I'm just trying to
Find my way
And a face to wear
And a place to be
In the absence of your company.'>
Scorpius,
I am sitting here hours after you left, trying to put things in order in my mind. Ever the Ravenclaw I suppose. It's funny how all of us seem to fall back on those old distinctions: The Ravenclaw, The Slytherin, The Hufflepuff, The Gryffindor. Old habits die hard and some never die, they simply lie in wait to surprise us.
That's how I feel right now. You see, after all the years I've known you, as well as I thought I've known you, I can see now that much of what I thought I knew was a mask. A mask far more flawless than anything your Grandfather ever wore. It's a small comfort that I wasn't the only one who believed you had come to terms with what happened to you at Greyback's hands. I think we all believed it because that's what we wanted for you. We thought - we hoped that one day you would come to the same kind of realizations that Remus had and accept yourself...accept that no matter what happens every month you are still loved...accept that being a werewolf and being a good man are not incompatible...and obviously that was naive.
You are not Remus, nor are you Maisie. You're Scorpius Malfoy and you are a Malfoy. You don't accept what happened to you and you most certainly won't forgive yourself for how it happened. If I said I understood completely I would be lying. I'm standing here at the edge of your abyss and looking into it for the first time. The pressure of family isn't unfamiliar to me - the world at large expects everything from us and when we deliver they think we've cheated somehow - but the pressure you face as the first son of the first son in a pureblood family...the expectations you must feel you've failed. I know failure and I know you. I know that in your mind anything less than perfection in yourself is simply unthinkable.
But in the end we cannot change the past and you are who you are. Scorpius Malfoy - Heir to the Malfoy legacy and you are a werewolf. Like I said, I can't pretend I know what that is like and I have no idea how to help you accept yourself, see yourself as I see you, as those that know you see you. I can admit I don't have the right answer for you, and you know how much that pains me.
However, I can't put all my energy into changing your mind when I've got this decision in front of me. I won't ask you for your input again. That ship has sailed and I realize that whatever I decide, the consequences and responsibility are mine. But I want to make a couple of things clear - spell them out for the both of us.
First - I will not 'get rid of' this child. Given the number of adopted children in my family - no. Just 'no'. Even if I thought I could not give this baby the best life possible I would never consider that. I won't end a life to appease your self-loathing.
Second - as far as staying married to you if I keep the baby... I don't hold the Malfoy name in the same esteem that you do. It's no more meaningful to me than 'Jones', 'Potter', or 'Evans' so I don't consider it to be some sort of charm that will protect my child or grant everlasting happiness. I think you know from firsthand experience that simply isn't the case. If I decide to stay married to you then it won't be for the sake of your name. It will be for the sake of this child keeping a piece of grandparents who will love him or her. I would never deny Draco or Cassie, Narcissa or Lucius a chance to know their grandchild. They will be as included as they wish. That being said, should the baby be born as werewolf there are some doors that will open more easily with the Malfoy last name. I don't like it, but that doesn't mean it's not worth taking into consideration.
Third - and I want to be as crystal clear as possible about this. If I decide to keep this child and raise her or him and remain a Malfoy it is with the condition that so long as you think of or refer to my child as an 'it' or regard him or her as beneath you for possibly sharing your condition - you will never be allowed near our child. I can't help you with your self-loathing and guilt but I will damned well keep you from passing it on.
I say these things in the hopes that maybe someday you will find the peace I thought you had already found. I say them for my own clarity about the future as well as your own. I say them because in my heart my decision has already been made and this baby is deserving of a mother's love and protection. I care for you deeply Scorpius and I do hope you can find your way to reconcile yourself.
Until then,
Goodbye,
Lily
that you are better off without me
That's how you should be.
Cause I don't have a point to prove
Or a stand to make
I'm just trying to
Find my way
And a face to wear
And a place to be
In the absence of your company.'>
Scorpius,
I am sitting here hours after you left, trying to put things in order in my mind. Ever the Ravenclaw I suppose. It's funny how all of us seem to fall back on those old distinctions: The Ravenclaw, The Slytherin, The Hufflepuff, The Gryffindor. Old habits die hard and some never die, they simply lie in wait to surprise us.
That's how I feel right now. You see, after all the years I've known you, as well as I thought I've known you, I can see now that much of what I thought I knew was a mask. A mask far more flawless than anything your Grandfather ever wore. It's a small comfort that I wasn't the only one who believed you had come to terms with what happened to you at Greyback's hands. I think we all believed it because that's what we wanted for you. We thought - we hoped that one day you would come to the same kind of realizations that Remus had and accept yourself...accept that no matter what happens every month you are still loved...accept that being a werewolf and being a good man are not incompatible...and obviously that was naive.
You are not Remus, nor are you Maisie. You're Scorpius Malfoy and you are a Malfoy. You don't accept what happened to you and you most certainly won't forgive yourself for how it happened. If I said I understood completely I would be lying. I'm standing here at the edge of your abyss and looking into it for the first time. The pressure of family isn't unfamiliar to me - the world at large expects everything from us and when we deliver they think we've cheated somehow - but the pressure you face as the first son of the first son in a pureblood family...the expectations you must feel you've failed. I know failure and I know you. I know that in your mind anything less than perfection in yourself is simply unthinkable.
But in the end we cannot change the past and you are who you are. Scorpius Malfoy - Heir to the Malfoy legacy and you are a werewolf. Like I said, I can't pretend I know what that is like and I have no idea how to help you accept yourself, see yourself as I see you, as those that know you see you. I can admit I don't have the right answer for you, and you know how much that pains me.
However, I can't put all my energy into changing your mind when I've got this decision in front of me. I won't ask you for your input again. That ship has sailed and I realize that whatever I decide, the consequences and responsibility are mine. But I want to make a couple of things clear - spell them out for the both of us.
First - I will not 'get rid of' this child. Given the number of adopted children in my family - no. Just 'no'. Even if I thought I could not give this baby the best life possible I would never consider that. I won't end a life to appease your self-loathing.
Second - as far as staying married to you if I keep the baby... I don't hold the Malfoy name in the same esteem that you do. It's no more meaningful to me than 'Jones', 'Potter', or 'Evans' so I don't consider it to be some sort of charm that will protect my child or grant everlasting happiness. I think you know from firsthand experience that simply isn't the case. If I decide to stay married to you then it won't be for the sake of your name. It will be for the sake of this child keeping a piece of grandparents who will love him or her. I would never deny Draco or Cassie, Narcissa or Lucius a chance to know their grandchild. They will be as included as they wish. That being said, should the baby be born as werewolf there are some doors that will open more easily with the Malfoy last name. I don't like it, but that doesn't mean it's not worth taking into consideration.
Third - and I want to be as crystal clear as possible about this. If I decide to keep this child and raise her or him and remain a Malfoy it is with the condition that so long as you think of or refer to my child as an 'it' or regard him or her as beneath you for possibly sharing your condition - you will never be allowed near our child. I can't help you with your self-loathing and guilt but I will damned well keep you from passing it on.
I say these things in the hopes that maybe someday you will find the peace I thought you had already found. I say them for my own clarity about the future as well as your own. I say them because in my heart my decision has already been made and this baby is deserving of a mother's love and protection. I care for you deeply Scorpius and I do hope you can find your way to reconcile yourself.
Until then,
Goodbye,
Lily