body/pregnancy issues
I know that my privilege is going to show when writing this, so I don't think I'm looking for sympathy. I just need to get some crap that's been bothering me off my chest.
I don't know what I look like.
I'm used to thinking of myself as being slightly overweight. I was a size 14/16 (US). I was ok with this. I exercised, so I couldn't really say I was completely out of shape, but I guess not as much as I should have. And I ate not great, but not terrible.
Over the summer of 2013, I lost about 30 pounds. The first 20 or so I don't think I lost healthily. I had health problems, and I gave up too much/too many foods too quickly and exercised too much. But eventually it turned into a changed diet and more exercise and it was good. I was in a bit better shape and a size 12/14 (US). I was running about 2 miles. Yay.
Then I got pregnant. As soon as I got pregnant, the insomnia kicked up into high gear, which is why it's 4AM and I've been up for about an hour and a half. I also could no longer walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. That was so demoralizing. I had been running 6 miles a week, and now I couldn't even climb the stairs in my house. Meanwhile, none of my clothes are fitting.
Then we moved to England. We decided that for now we wouldn't get a car, so we're walking/taking buses everywhere. There are hills everywhere where we are (but I've developed unfortunate hip/pelvic pain, so walking really hurts). And I don't really like the food here. The spice palate is different enough that just everything tastes weird. Cottage cheese tastes almost sour and Indian food, which used to be one of my favorites, is pretty gross to me. So I stopped eating. Lost more weight. Couldn't sleep. Went through a really bad depression. Got worried about weight loss during pregnancy and started eating the only things that weren't completely disgusting to me, which was fried food (enough oil and grease and salt will make anything palatable). Got whooping cough (I don't think I'm joking....I spent about three weeks coughing until I threw up and three more just coughing. I still have a lingering cough. My sister [a doctor] heard me cough and said yeah, it sounds like whooping cough). Then got gestational diabetes.
I was so pissed. I didn't have it with my first pregnancy, and I had lost at least 30 pounds since then. I was losing weight, so this just seemed not right. But I had been eating like crap when it came time to take the test, had whooping cough, and not sleeping. All of these things can effect blood sugar, so. I've been controlling it by diet, which is basically back to eating healthily. So it's ok. It basically just gave me a kick in the pants to get back to eating right. So I'm over feeling depressed about it.
As the pregnancy progresses, I keep losing weight. Baby's doing fine, so it's not like I'm being unhealthy. But I have no idea what I look like and no idea how much I weigh. I still fit into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I think I look like I'm slightly overweight (size 14/16 US) not pregnant. I want to be excited about my weight loss, but I have no idea what I look like so I can't. I don't know what size I am, and to add to that confusion, sizes are different here. I went shopping for a raincoat and the one that fit was a size US 10 but a UK 14. So even after all that weight loss, it looks like I'm still a size 14. :P
Ok, so there's that. Here's part two:
One of my dad's hobbies is photography. So he always has a camera and is taking pictures and I hate having my picture taken. I just hate it. Usually, with my dad, this is not such an issue. With my mom, however, she also loves taking pictures, but she loves taking them at the most awkward/inconvenient times ever. It's very, very annoying and intrusive. Example: my husband, kid, and I were checking in at the airport to fly to Israel. We were bracing ourselves for a trip that would last about 20 hours (waiting, flight, layover, passport control, travel to his parents' house). We have our big heavy bags with us and are scrambling to hold our kid's hand and keep all our bags together and get our passports out and everything. My mom, meanwhile, instead of distracting kid or helping lift our bags, is trying to take our picture.
No, checking in for a flight is not a Kodak moment. And her photos are filled with these awkward moments or of people's backs when they are playing or something.
Since we moved, I've been skyping a lot with my mom. But she keeps going on and on about how beautiful I look. I know moms are supposed to say their daughters are beautiful, but that some of my friends never had that, so I feel really bitchy complaining about this, but yesterday I realized she had confused beauty with weight and how offensive that is to me. When I was skyping with her, I had just woken up (kid and I slept late and she gets up early). I was in my pyjamas. I hadn't brushed my hair or washed my face. Because of stress lately, I've been scratching at my face and have many little cuts. I looked like crap, and that's ok. I realized she only says it when I stand up.
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone how much I hate being pregnant. During my two pregnancies, I suffered from really bad depression. During my first, I had carpal tunnel syndrome so badly I could barely use my hands. I was on bed rest for the last three weeks of it. During this one, walking is incredibly painful and I've had very few good nights sleep since October. Not to mention diabetes. I've also had to move great distances while pregnant both times (Texas to Maryland, then Maryland to England), which is stressful. I know some women think they have this pregnant glow, but I don't. Pregnancy is a stressful time for me and it fucks with my hormones and emotions and I really hate every minute of it (except labor's ok). (I know I shouldn't complain. Some people would love to have these problems. I hope it's ok that I have sympathy for them and feel sorry for myself. Just because other people have it worse or their own troubles doesn't mean I can't complain about my life, right? Ask me about the time I was upset about something, told my sister my worries/upset, and she dismissed it as being a first world problem.)
So drawing any attention to my pregnancy is frustrating for me, on many, many levels. I remember with my first I had to fight my sister and dad to explain no, I really don't want a baby shower. I just don't feel right and don't want to celebrate the reason why I feel so terrible.
And my mom wants to take my picture. Over skype. She doesn't want to do a screen capture (she hasn't figured out how to do that yet). She wants to get her camera and take a picture of her iPad.
No. Just no. That will make for a terrible fucking picture. In addition to just don't take a picture of your computer screen, I just woke up. My hair isn't brushed. My face looks like crap. I'm still in my pyjamas (a button down night shirt with my stomach straining the buttons). I don't want to stand there while you take a picture of me.
And I get this every time I talk with her! I know I sound like a spoiled brat. Wah! My mom says I'm pretty every time I talk to her! But she's not telling me I'm pretty, she's telling me I'm thin. My face looks the same. The only thing that has changed is my body. So was I never pretty before because I was slightly overweight? And the only reason why I'm pretty now is because I had health problems? And what she's celebrating about how I look is the same thing that makes me miserable and unhealthy.
I'm really trying to stay positive. I'm trying to not stress about how badly walking hurts and just be thankful that I can still move my hands. I'm trying to not dwell about how I have so few clothes that fit and focus instead on how I can go shopping later, even though I don't know how I will look. I guess I just expected my family to care more about my health (diabetes is a big fucking deal) and less about how I appear and to be people around whom I can relax and not worry if my clothes don't fit right or if my face isn't washed. And now I can't. Every time I talk to my mom, I'm going to be worried that she's going to screen cap me.
I don't know what I look like.
I'm used to thinking of myself as being slightly overweight. I was a size 14/16 (US). I was ok with this. I exercised, so I couldn't really say I was completely out of shape, but I guess not as much as I should have. And I ate not great, but not terrible.
Over the summer of 2013, I lost about 30 pounds. The first 20 or so I don't think I lost healthily. I had health problems, and I gave up too much/too many foods too quickly and exercised too much. But eventually it turned into a changed diet and more exercise and it was good. I was in a bit better shape and a size 12/14 (US). I was running about 2 miles. Yay.
Then I got pregnant. As soon as I got pregnant, the insomnia kicked up into high gear, which is why it's 4AM and I've been up for about an hour and a half. I also could no longer walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. That was so demoralizing. I had been running 6 miles a week, and now I couldn't even climb the stairs in my house. Meanwhile, none of my clothes are fitting.
Then we moved to England. We decided that for now we wouldn't get a car, so we're walking/taking buses everywhere. There are hills everywhere where we are (but I've developed unfortunate hip/pelvic pain, so walking really hurts). And I don't really like the food here. The spice palate is different enough that just everything tastes weird. Cottage cheese tastes almost sour and Indian food, which used to be one of my favorites, is pretty gross to me. So I stopped eating. Lost more weight. Couldn't sleep. Went through a really bad depression. Got worried about weight loss during pregnancy and started eating the only things that weren't completely disgusting to me, which was fried food (enough oil and grease and salt will make anything palatable). Got whooping cough (I don't think I'm joking....I spent about three weeks coughing until I threw up and three more just coughing. I still have a lingering cough. My sister [a doctor] heard me cough and said yeah, it sounds like whooping cough). Then got gestational diabetes.
I was so pissed. I didn't have it with my first pregnancy, and I had lost at least 30 pounds since then. I was losing weight, so this just seemed not right. But I had been eating like crap when it came time to take the test, had whooping cough, and not sleeping. All of these things can effect blood sugar, so. I've been controlling it by diet, which is basically back to eating healthily. So it's ok. It basically just gave me a kick in the pants to get back to eating right. So I'm over feeling depressed about it.
As the pregnancy progresses, I keep losing weight. Baby's doing fine, so it's not like I'm being unhealthy. But I have no idea what I look like and no idea how much I weigh. I still fit into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I think I look like I'm slightly overweight (size 14/16 US) not pregnant. I want to be excited about my weight loss, but I have no idea what I look like so I can't. I don't know what size I am, and to add to that confusion, sizes are different here. I went shopping for a raincoat and the one that fit was a size US 10 but a UK 14. So even after all that weight loss, it looks like I'm still a size 14. :P
Ok, so there's that. Here's part two:
One of my dad's hobbies is photography. So he always has a camera and is taking pictures and I hate having my picture taken. I just hate it. Usually, with my dad, this is not such an issue. With my mom, however, she also loves taking pictures, but she loves taking them at the most awkward/inconvenient times ever. It's very, very annoying and intrusive. Example: my husband, kid, and I were checking in at the airport to fly to Israel. We were bracing ourselves for a trip that would last about 20 hours (waiting, flight, layover, passport control, travel to his parents' house). We have our big heavy bags with us and are scrambling to hold our kid's hand and keep all our bags together and get our passports out and everything. My mom, meanwhile, instead of distracting kid or helping lift our bags, is trying to take our picture.
No, checking in for a flight is not a Kodak moment. And her photos are filled with these awkward moments or of people's backs when they are playing or something.
Since we moved, I've been skyping a lot with my mom. But she keeps going on and on about how beautiful I look. I know moms are supposed to say their daughters are beautiful, but that some of my friends never had that, so I feel really bitchy complaining about this, but yesterday I realized she had confused beauty with weight and how offensive that is to me. When I was skyping with her, I had just woken up (kid and I slept late and she gets up early). I was in my pyjamas. I hadn't brushed my hair or washed my face. Because of stress lately, I've been scratching at my face and have many little cuts. I looked like crap, and that's ok. I realized she only says it when I stand up.
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone how much I hate being pregnant. During my two pregnancies, I suffered from really bad depression. During my first, I had carpal tunnel syndrome so badly I could barely use my hands. I was on bed rest for the last three weeks of it. During this one, walking is incredibly painful and I've had very few good nights sleep since October. Not to mention diabetes. I've also had to move great distances while pregnant both times (Texas to Maryland, then Maryland to England), which is stressful. I know some women think they have this pregnant glow, but I don't. Pregnancy is a stressful time for me and it fucks with my hormones and emotions and I really hate every minute of it (except labor's ok). (I know I shouldn't complain. Some people would love to have these problems. I hope it's ok that I have sympathy for them and feel sorry for myself. Just because other people have it worse or their own troubles doesn't mean I can't complain about my life, right? Ask me about the time I was upset about something, told my sister my worries/upset, and she dismissed it as being a first world problem.)
So drawing any attention to my pregnancy is frustrating for me, on many, many levels. I remember with my first I had to fight my sister and dad to explain no, I really don't want a baby shower. I just don't feel right and don't want to celebrate the reason why I feel so terrible.
And my mom wants to take my picture. Over skype. She doesn't want to do a screen capture (she hasn't figured out how to do that yet). She wants to get her camera and take a picture of her iPad.
No. Just no. That will make for a terrible fucking picture. In addition to just don't take a picture of your computer screen, I just woke up. My hair isn't brushed. My face looks like crap. I'm still in my pyjamas (a button down night shirt with my stomach straining the buttons). I don't want to stand there while you take a picture of me.
And I get this every time I talk with her! I know I sound like a spoiled brat. Wah! My mom says I'm pretty every time I talk to her! But she's not telling me I'm pretty, she's telling me I'm thin. My face looks the same. The only thing that has changed is my body. So was I never pretty before because I was slightly overweight? And the only reason why I'm pretty now is because I had health problems? And what she's celebrating about how I look is the same thing that makes me miserable and unhealthy.
I'm really trying to stay positive. I'm trying to not stress about how badly walking hurts and just be thankful that I can still move my hands. I'm trying to not dwell about how I have so few clothes that fit and focus instead on how I can go shopping later, even though I don't know how I will look. I guess I just expected my family to care more about my health (diabetes is a big fucking deal) and less about how I appear and to be people around whom I can relax and not worry if my clothes don't fit right or if my face isn't washed. And now I can't. Every time I talk to my mom, I'm going to be worried that she's going to screen cap me.