and her 30-minute meals. First, and foremost, those meals are only 30 minutes if you have a little elf who washes, dices and buys all the stuff to cook 1st. I do not have an elf. I do not have a fairy or a pixie or even a sprite who does all the prep work which is obviously beneath her. I can not summon woodland creatures to forage on my behalf ( Read more... )

Naw, it's no big deal really. I've dealt with lots worse than this. This, yeah, well, it's not terminal or anything. At worse they'll just take out my uterus-that's all. I was probably done having kids-and orgasms-anyways. I'll just be grateful that's all it is and thank some deity of your choosing that's all it is ( Read more... )

I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz about these Voluntary Extinctionists. Now this has got my brain in a veritable tizzy. I know that over population is a real and acute problem in our world-but a new one? Not by a long short. Now my good friend, Thomas Malthus, (I say “good friend” because it makes seem all well connected amongst the great ( Read more... )

I hate AT&T. I loath them in a hot, festering blisters on your genitals sort of way (not that I have actually experienced hot, festering blisters on my genitals-really, I haven't; I had a really bad sunburn once where I got blisters all over my back, and I hated that a lot, so I'm just, ya' know extrapolating that I would hate have blisters ( Read more... )

Now I'm not sayin' I DID spill a 64 oz cup of hot steaming gas station coffee with cream and sugar on to my government issued keyboard, and I'm NOT saying after 3 weeks the keyboard started smelling funny and the space bar would no longer come up if pressed so I would have to use a screw driver to pop it back up, and I'm not saying after a few days ( Read more... )

Sometimes I feel like a prison guard-and I don't mean in the fun "grab your ankles while I snap on this latex glove" way either. Though now that I'm thinking about it...I'll have to get back to you on that. What I mean is that I have been reduced to frisking my children before they embark each day to their respective educational institutions. ( Read more... )

Tulips wrap their petals ( Read more... )

They slip and ( Read more... )

My oldest is ten today. Exactly ten years ago they placed him warm in my arms-bloody, wiggling, screaming-and I fell so completely in love with him. I fall in love with him again and again ( Read more... )

It’s late. Very late. I hear the furnace light and the return air duct sucking. I listen to the ting of a few well placed jelly beans tumbling down the aluminum piping. I wonder if they congeal in a molten pool at the furnace base. I don’t sleep any more. I don’t know when the last time sleep found me unencumbered by all the decisions before ( Read more... )