Alive Pt 5
Title: Alive Pt 5
Author: limnological
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: TaengSic
Description: AU
“Have you ever seen someone who’s ready to die?” Taeyeon says it in the dead of the silence as she and Sooyoung loiter in the break room, drinking the horrid coffee again.
“Oh God, Taeyeon.” Sooyoung’s already across the room, shaking Taeyeon’s shoulders as she frantically speaks, “I know our job sucks, but trust me, it’s not worth it!”
Taeyeon swaps her hands off of her, “Not me, you idiot.”
“Oh... Oh! Your new hospital friend?”
“Yeah.”
Sooyoung puts her hand on her chin, imitating a thinking pose.
“Can’t say I have… but isn’t it a good thing then? Or would you rather have her weeping and wailing about not being able to live longer?”
“True, but it just…” She swishes the coffee around in the styrofoam cup. “It’s sort of abnormal. Something I’m not used to?”
“That makes sense... Say, you gonna be okay in the future?”
Her hand stills as she stares into the dark pool of liquid within the cup. It was as if she was waiting for the answer to appear from the liquid.
“Ask me again when the time comes.”
--
When did it happen?
Was it the first time Jessica smiled at her?
Was it when they naturally clicked and the conversations flowed so smoothly?
When exactly did she start to let Jessica occupy a special place in her heart?
These questions swirl in her mind as she watches Nurse Lee change her IVs and tend to the ill girl.
When?
Why?
How?
Actually, the question of how it happened can easily be answered for Taeyeon. How could she not fall for the sass and sarcasm? How could she not laugh at every little thing that came out of Jessica’s mouth? How could she not fall for the personality that Jessica emanated from her body?
How was easy to answer, but what happens now?
Her head started to pound as her mind screamed nope, nope, nope you cannot feel this way while her heart said can’t, can’t, can’t stop what has already begun.
‘Sorry Sooyoung’ is what she thinks (because Sooyoung detested the word ‘can’t’) as her eyes glaze over that frail body in that small bed.
What happens now?
Her fist balls up as anger swells in her chest.
She already knows what’s going to happen.
Jessica is going to die and confessing her love for Jessica will do no one any good.
So she says nothing for the sake of protecting Jessica.
--
Sitting down at the usual chair, a rustling from her pocket distracts Taeyeon as Jessica folds very slowly. The crinkling in her pocket reminds her that she had picked up a fortune cookie from the take out earlier. She unwraps it, breaking it open.
Eyes swiftly reading it over, Taeyeon crumples the tiny paper into her palm scoffing at the irony. Jessica stops folding.
“What did your fortune cookie say?”
“Happiness creeps into you so quietly that you don’t notice, but misfortune arrives very abruptly.”
“That’s a pretty accurate fortune cookie.”
“Since when did they become so accurate?”
“At least something in this world is going right. We all need a little fortune goodness with our cookies.”
Taeyeon just laughs, “By the way, the kids miss seeing you.”
Turning her gaze towards the window, the paper crane rests in Jessica’s lap as she speaks softly.
“That’s nice.”
It wasn’t the reaction Taeyeon had expected from Jessica.
Even her snarky attitude seemed to be dying.
--
“Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon finishes her peach drink as Nurse Lee walks up to her in the corridor. She gulps and it’s not because of the peach juice. A recollection of being thrown out by Nurse Lee comes to her mind.
Squinting her eyes, she warns Taeyeon, “I’m still watching you.”
Taeyeon just smiles sheepishly, “Sorry, we were quite a riot that day.”
“Uh huh.” Nurse Lee turns to leave, but stops for a few more words. “By the way, Miss Jung always seems to be disappointed to see me when I open her door.”
Taeyeon smiles, understanding the implication underneath Nurse Lee’s words.
“I’ll have to tease her for that.”
“I look forward to it.” Nurse Lee smiles smugly as she takes her lead.
Sometimes, Taeyeon’s not sure whose side she was on anyways.
--
She should have seen it coming, really. Finding solace in a place where the dying was is counterintuitive. She sees now what she has done to herself, the kids, and Jessica. Invisible threads held by short-lived memories now link them together. As each day wanes on, the threads become stronger as the shadows of death come closer. But fate threatens to cut the threads soon.
She just doesn’t know when. What she does know is that the aftermath will not be welcome. Once they’re gone, all she’ll have left are these invisible threads and memories to keep her company.
And it will never be enough.
--
She stops in front of the door, unable to bring herself to open it.
What if tonight was the night?
What if behind that door, laying in that bed is a body with a heart that’s stopped beating?
Taking in a deep breath, she braves the storm, putting on a smile as the door slides open.
Jessica is awake, hand trembling as she struggles to write on the piece of paper. Slowly, she closes her eyes as she releases her hand, setting down the notebook and pen.
“Hi.”
“What do you want to write? I’ll write it for you.” Steadying her hand, Taeyeon listens intently.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m too weak to do anything, hell, I can’t even sing.”
Taeyeon pauses her writing, frowning at the younger girl.
“Is that what you really want me to write? That didn’t even rhyme the right way.”
“There is no right way to rhyme.”
“Oh give it a rest.”
Slowly, Jessica speaks.
I am not who I used to be
In fact, I am better
What I have gained
Cannot be measured by tangibility
Taeyeon stops, looking into Jessica’s eyes, trying to read her face.
“Is that all?
Jessica just smiles, then closes her eyes, “That’s all. Thanks. I’ll take my daily nap now.”
“Jessica.”
“Hrm?” She cracks one eye open.
“You’re such a closet romanticist.”
They both just smile.
--
She starts to dream, starts to concoct these ideas and thoughts of what a healthy Jessica would be like. It’s so vivid - she can see the blonde sitting beneath an oak tree on the green grass, writing poetry, and denying that she’s a closet romantic. She sees a breathtaking smile and hears the snarky comebacks that would drive her up the wall. She sees Jessica’s beautiful brown eyes paired together with an all-knowing smirk.
And then she wakes up.
These dreams do nothing for her except take the wind out of her sails. They taunt her when she closes her eyes, making her want to not succumb to sleep.
It’s cruel, really, and they won’t stop. She figures the dreams naturally come because she never got a chance to know a healthy Jessica. The curiosity would not be satiated. What was that saying? Curiosity killed the cat?
Frankly, she doesn’t know if she ever will get to know a healthy Jessica.
--
Her worst nightmare hits her when she walks into an empty room.
Jessica is not there.
Frantically, Taeyeon rushes back out into the corridor, eyes scanning the vicinity for Nurse Lee. Luckily, Nurse Lee rounds the corner causing Taeyeon to stumble towards her with shaky legs.
“Jessica.” Her mouth is dry as the words struggle to come out. “Where is Jessica?”
Nurse Lee drops her clipboard to help Taeyeon stabilize her feet.
“Please calm down… Jessica has been moved to the intensive care unit.”
It’s happening.
There’s not much time left.
--
There are wires attached to Jessica, making her look inhuman almost. Asleep, she is breathing evenly and quietly as Taeyeon stands before her.
It is Jessica who is on the bed, but it is Taeyeon who trembles before her, tears threatening to spill.
Knowing that she would die soon did not make it any easier for Taeyeon’s heart.
--
She slumps back to the kids’ room to check up on them. It would be good to comfort the kids even if she wasn’t feeling too swell about the whole ordeal.
Kyungsan walks over to her slowly as the others sit in their bed, worried.
“Is Sleepy Ahjumma going to be okay?”
It finally happens. Her legs give out as she falls to her knees in front of Kyungsan. She can only hug the little boy, eyes watering and limbs shaking.
“I don’t know.”
“I like Sleepy Ahjumma.”
“Me too, Kyungsan.” The tears fall as she softly whispers. “Me too.”
--
When Jessica awakes, Taeyeon is there right by her side. She takes a few minutes to recognize her surroundings.
Slowly she speaks, “Morning.”
Taeyeon just scoffs at the response. “Morning.”
She wants to ask how the blonde is doing, but in reality, she already knew.
They both knew.
Her body language said it all without Taeyeon not needing to ask. Underneath those blankets were legs that were as fragile as sticks, lungs that were running out of breath, and arms becoming too weak and uncomfortable to even fold cranes or write. Skin and bones were all that were left to show.
“When I had met you, you were up and walking by yourself, moving the way you wanted them to.”
Jessica speaks slowly, “I had just been admitted two weeks prior to that.”
“Can you believe it’s been four months?”
“Feels like an eternity.”
“I didn’t expect to spend every evening with you.”
“I didn’t expect anyone to.” She pauses, “But…”
“What?”
“…Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Get going before Nurse Lee PMSes again.”
Biting her lip, Taeyeon surrenders to Jessica’s request, “Promise to tell me tomorrow? Or sometime later?”
“Promise. Get some rest.”
--
She barely gets any rest, but she still shows up to the hospital. She’s even there earlier than usual, skipping work. When she walks into ICU room, she knows. She sits next to Jessica, hand taking the blonde’s.
It was strange to hold her hand. It was the first time they had touched and it would be the last. The fire that had once blazed in Jessica’s eyes had now become an ember.
It was time.
“Are you afraid?”
Her sentences are short and take a while to come out, “No, but I shivered.”
“So you were paying attention to that story after all.”
“Maybe.”
Taeyeon squeezes that frail hand gently, eyes never leaving Jessica’s face.
“Are you going to lie even till the end? Just tell me straight out for once.”
“I’ve never lied to you.”
“I know.”
“I think… the gray scepter is coming soon.”
“You really do pay attention to the stories. Tell him ‘hello’ for me.”
Jessica’s teeth forms a small smile.
“Taeyeon.”
“Yeah?”
Another squeeze.
“I’ll meet you in hell.”
“…Even to the end you’re gonna be like this.”
“I had to.” Jessica just smiles then whispers softly. “I have to go.”
“I know.”
Taeyeon knows what Jessica will say next. Don’t say it, don’t is what her heart screams.
“Goodbye for now.”
Another squeeze.
“Goodbye.”
The soft lull overtook the blonde as the machines pulsed with erratic beating. It echoed on and on as Taeyeon squeezed that hand for one last time.
Just like that, she was gone.
Author: limnological
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: TaengSic
Description: AU
“Have you ever seen someone who’s ready to die?” Taeyeon says it in the dead of the silence as she and Sooyoung loiter in the break room, drinking the horrid coffee again.
“Oh God, Taeyeon.” Sooyoung’s already across the room, shaking Taeyeon’s shoulders as she frantically speaks, “I know our job sucks, but trust me, it’s not worth it!”
Taeyeon swaps her hands off of her, “Not me, you idiot.”
“Oh... Oh! Your new hospital friend?”
“Yeah.”
Sooyoung puts her hand on her chin, imitating a thinking pose.
“Can’t say I have… but isn’t it a good thing then? Or would you rather have her weeping and wailing about not being able to live longer?”
“True, but it just…” She swishes the coffee around in the styrofoam cup. “It’s sort of abnormal. Something I’m not used to?”
“That makes sense... Say, you gonna be okay in the future?”
Her hand stills as she stares into the dark pool of liquid within the cup. It was as if she was waiting for the answer to appear from the liquid.
“Ask me again when the time comes.”
--
When did it happen?
Was it the first time Jessica smiled at her?
Was it when they naturally clicked and the conversations flowed so smoothly?
When exactly did she start to let Jessica occupy a special place in her heart?
These questions swirl in her mind as she watches Nurse Lee change her IVs and tend to the ill girl.
When?
Why?
How?
Actually, the question of how it happened can easily be answered for Taeyeon. How could she not fall for the sass and sarcasm? How could she not laugh at every little thing that came out of Jessica’s mouth? How could she not fall for the personality that Jessica emanated from her body?
How was easy to answer, but what happens now?
Her head started to pound as her mind screamed nope, nope, nope you cannot feel this way while her heart said can’t, can’t, can’t stop what has already begun.
‘Sorry Sooyoung’ is what she thinks (because Sooyoung detested the word ‘can’t’) as her eyes glaze over that frail body in that small bed.
What happens now?
Her fist balls up as anger swells in her chest.
She already knows what’s going to happen.
Jessica is going to die and confessing her love for Jessica will do no one any good.
So she says nothing for the sake of protecting Jessica.
--
Sitting down at the usual chair, a rustling from her pocket distracts Taeyeon as Jessica folds very slowly. The crinkling in her pocket reminds her that she had picked up a fortune cookie from the take out earlier. She unwraps it, breaking it open.
Eyes swiftly reading it over, Taeyeon crumples the tiny paper into her palm scoffing at the irony. Jessica stops folding.
“What did your fortune cookie say?”
“Happiness creeps into you so quietly that you don’t notice, but misfortune arrives very abruptly.”
“That’s a pretty accurate fortune cookie.”
“Since when did they become so accurate?”
“At least something in this world is going right. We all need a little fortune goodness with our cookies.”
Taeyeon just laughs, “By the way, the kids miss seeing you.”
Turning her gaze towards the window, the paper crane rests in Jessica’s lap as she speaks softly.
“That’s nice.”
It wasn’t the reaction Taeyeon had expected from Jessica.
Even her snarky attitude seemed to be dying.
--
“Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon finishes her peach drink as Nurse Lee walks up to her in the corridor. She gulps and it’s not because of the peach juice. A recollection of being thrown out by Nurse Lee comes to her mind.
Squinting her eyes, she warns Taeyeon, “I’m still watching you.”
Taeyeon just smiles sheepishly, “Sorry, we were quite a riot that day.”
“Uh huh.” Nurse Lee turns to leave, but stops for a few more words. “By the way, Miss Jung always seems to be disappointed to see me when I open her door.”
Taeyeon smiles, understanding the implication underneath Nurse Lee’s words.
“I’ll have to tease her for that.”
“I look forward to it.” Nurse Lee smiles smugly as she takes her lead.
Sometimes, Taeyeon’s not sure whose side she was on anyways.
--
She should have seen it coming, really. Finding solace in a place where the dying was is counterintuitive. She sees now what she has done to herself, the kids, and Jessica. Invisible threads held by short-lived memories now link them together. As each day wanes on, the threads become stronger as the shadows of death come closer. But fate threatens to cut the threads soon.
She just doesn’t know when. What she does know is that the aftermath will not be welcome. Once they’re gone, all she’ll have left are these invisible threads and memories to keep her company.
And it will never be enough.
--
She stops in front of the door, unable to bring herself to open it.
What if tonight was the night?
What if behind that door, laying in that bed is a body with a heart that’s stopped beating?
Taking in a deep breath, she braves the storm, putting on a smile as the door slides open.
Jessica is awake, hand trembling as she struggles to write on the piece of paper. Slowly, she closes her eyes as she releases her hand, setting down the notebook and pen.
“Hi.”
“What do you want to write? I’ll write it for you.” Steadying her hand, Taeyeon listens intently.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m too weak to do anything, hell, I can’t even sing.”
Taeyeon pauses her writing, frowning at the younger girl.
“Is that what you really want me to write? That didn’t even rhyme the right way.”
“There is no right way to rhyme.”
“Oh give it a rest.”
Slowly, Jessica speaks.
I am not who I used to be
In fact, I am better
What I have gained
Cannot be measured by tangibility
Taeyeon stops, looking into Jessica’s eyes, trying to read her face.
“Is that all?
Jessica just smiles, then closes her eyes, “That’s all. Thanks. I’ll take my daily nap now.”
“Jessica.”
“Hrm?” She cracks one eye open.
“You’re such a closet romanticist.”
They both just smile.
--
She starts to dream, starts to concoct these ideas and thoughts of what a healthy Jessica would be like. It’s so vivid - she can see the blonde sitting beneath an oak tree on the green grass, writing poetry, and denying that she’s a closet romantic. She sees a breathtaking smile and hears the snarky comebacks that would drive her up the wall. She sees Jessica’s beautiful brown eyes paired together with an all-knowing smirk.
And then she wakes up.
These dreams do nothing for her except take the wind out of her sails. They taunt her when she closes her eyes, making her want to not succumb to sleep.
It’s cruel, really, and they won’t stop. She figures the dreams naturally come because she never got a chance to know a healthy Jessica. The curiosity would not be satiated. What was that saying? Curiosity killed the cat?
Frankly, she doesn’t know if she ever will get to know a healthy Jessica.
--
Her worst nightmare hits her when she walks into an empty room.
Jessica is not there.
Frantically, Taeyeon rushes back out into the corridor, eyes scanning the vicinity for Nurse Lee. Luckily, Nurse Lee rounds the corner causing Taeyeon to stumble towards her with shaky legs.
“Jessica.” Her mouth is dry as the words struggle to come out. “Where is Jessica?”
Nurse Lee drops her clipboard to help Taeyeon stabilize her feet.
“Please calm down… Jessica has been moved to the intensive care unit.”
It’s happening.
There’s not much time left.
--
There are wires attached to Jessica, making her look inhuman almost. Asleep, she is breathing evenly and quietly as Taeyeon stands before her.
It is Jessica who is on the bed, but it is Taeyeon who trembles before her, tears threatening to spill.
Knowing that she would die soon did not make it any easier for Taeyeon’s heart.
--
She slumps back to the kids’ room to check up on them. It would be good to comfort the kids even if she wasn’t feeling too swell about the whole ordeal.
Kyungsan walks over to her slowly as the others sit in their bed, worried.
“Is Sleepy Ahjumma going to be okay?”
It finally happens. Her legs give out as she falls to her knees in front of Kyungsan. She can only hug the little boy, eyes watering and limbs shaking.
“I don’t know.”
“I like Sleepy Ahjumma.”
“Me too, Kyungsan.” The tears fall as she softly whispers. “Me too.”
--
When Jessica awakes, Taeyeon is there right by her side. She takes a few minutes to recognize her surroundings.
Slowly she speaks, “Morning.”
Taeyeon just scoffs at the response. “Morning.”
She wants to ask how the blonde is doing, but in reality, she already knew.
They both knew.
Her body language said it all without Taeyeon not needing to ask. Underneath those blankets were legs that were as fragile as sticks, lungs that were running out of breath, and arms becoming too weak and uncomfortable to even fold cranes or write. Skin and bones were all that were left to show.
“When I had met you, you were up and walking by yourself, moving the way you wanted them to.”
Jessica speaks slowly, “I had just been admitted two weeks prior to that.”
“Can you believe it’s been four months?”
“Feels like an eternity.”
“I didn’t expect to spend every evening with you.”
“I didn’t expect anyone to.” She pauses, “But…”
“What?”
“…Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Get going before Nurse Lee PMSes again.”
Biting her lip, Taeyeon surrenders to Jessica’s request, “Promise to tell me tomorrow? Or sometime later?”
“Promise. Get some rest.”
--
She barely gets any rest, but she still shows up to the hospital. She’s even there earlier than usual, skipping work. When she walks into ICU room, she knows. She sits next to Jessica, hand taking the blonde’s.
It was strange to hold her hand. It was the first time they had touched and it would be the last. The fire that had once blazed in Jessica’s eyes had now become an ember.
It was time.
“Are you afraid?”
Her sentences are short and take a while to come out, “No, but I shivered.”
“So you were paying attention to that story after all.”
“Maybe.”
Taeyeon squeezes that frail hand gently, eyes never leaving Jessica’s face.
“Are you going to lie even till the end? Just tell me straight out for once.”
“I’ve never lied to you.”
“I know.”
“I think… the gray scepter is coming soon.”
“You really do pay attention to the stories. Tell him ‘hello’ for me.”
Jessica’s teeth forms a small smile.
“Taeyeon.”
“Yeah?”
Another squeeze.
“I’ll meet you in hell.”
“…Even to the end you’re gonna be like this.”
“I had to.” Jessica just smiles then whispers softly. “I have to go.”
“I know.”
Taeyeon knows what Jessica will say next. Don’t say it, don’t is what her heart screams.
“Goodbye for now.”
Another squeeze.
“Goodbye.”
The soft lull overtook the blonde as the machines pulsed with erratic beating. It echoed on and on as Taeyeon squeezed that hand for one last time.
Just like that, she was gone.