This is not the post I wanted to be making this month
So, yeah. With that cut tag, we already know why we're here, more or less, which means I don't have to figure out how to lead up to it, like I have been here in real life.
We've been trying, and I haven't been talking about it much because the amount of static I've taken over the past 5 years (again, mostly in real life) about the RIDICULOUS notion that I could ever consider having another baby after I had twins and they were a boy and a girl that's the perfect family don't you know that so why on earth would you have another... yeah. Like that. So I haven't talked about it.
Last time, two cycles of meds (Clomid for those in the know) and I got pregnant, with twins, carried through with no real trouble. Relatively easy (if painful because TWINS) pregnancy, two awesome, loud, sassy kids out of it. This time, we've been trying since September, and it hasn't worked. This time, it worked, except it didn't.
I tested pregnant a few days after Valentines day, which was weird because my blood work showed that I probably hadn't ovulated. But, positive test, followed up with a positive test at my doctor's office, and an appointment to get a dating ultrasound done at what was estimated to be around 8 weeks.
Two days later I had some spotting and because it was Friday, I went to the ER because I wasn't going to wait all weekend to be able to get an appointment at the ultrasound clinic. The spotting turned out to be nothing, but the ultrasound made them frown. They could see the gestational sac where the baby's supposed to live, but no fetal heart pole. Was it possible my dates were off? Yes, totally possible, so maybe I was more like 5 weeks instead of 7 weeks, when you might not necessarily see anything. Go home, keep my ultrasound appointment the following week, everything's probably fine.
Not so much. Anyone who's spent time dealing with women's health stuff knows that the words surrounding a lot of OBGYN stuff suck. Words like 'incomplete' and phrases like 'incompetent cervix' and others that really make you feel like your body has failed, and you've failed too. My phrase? "Blighted Ovum". My understanding in crapsack layman's terms is that my body built a pregnancy around nothing. A non-egg, or a non-viable egg, or I don't know. Whatever else is floating around in there. My body is pregnant. It tests pregnant, feels pregnant, I've got a gestational sac and a placenta and the desire to never eat food ever, ever, ever again. But no egg, no fetus. No point for this pregnancy that my body is still hanging onto.
I'm told this is actually really common. Most of the time, when someone thinks they're pregnant, or tests pregnant, and gets their period around 5 weeks or miscarries at 6 weeks or so, it's this. The body figures out 'oh shit, that's not actually something I can turn into a baby, sorry, my bad', and a miscarriage naturally happens. My body is so convinced that it's doing what it's supposed to do that it's not. I still feel pregnant. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't overweight I'd be visibly showing already in a way that people would notice. And at this time, I have no signs or symptoms or anything that says my body is going to let this go naturally.
I'm not good at waiting. I'm not good at waiting, I can't continue with the utter mindfuck of having my entire body feel pregnant when the entire point for being pregnant doesn't exist. I need to be done, and I'm not brave enough to wait it out or drink tea and do acupuncture or take the medication my doctor prescribed that would kickstart this whole process. I listened to what would be required of me if I miscarried at home, did the math of being almost 9 weeks and the potential for ending up bleeding a lot and ending up in the hospital in an emergency situation and I just... I can't do that.
I'm going into the hospital this morning to be evaluated for a D&C, which is the surgical option. There are two catches: One, I have bronchitis, because of course I do, and I'm coughing a lot. The anesthesiologist might decide that they're not comfortable putting me under, and I might have to wait until next week. Two, I'm being fit into the schedule with the doctors on call. If a more urgent case comes in, I'll be bumped. I'm not considered urgent or emergent right now. Timely, and they want me to be taken care of as soon as we can, but not urgent. So I might get there and be turned around and sent home to wait until next week.
I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm pissed off. I'm irritated that I've had to talk about this with people I didn't want to talk to this about in my real life because I had to arrange for the time off work, and doctor's appointments, and all of that. I'm unhappy. I'm frustrated that my clock on possibly maybe getting to have a baby has reset to less than zero, because after this, particularly because we're fucking around with my hormones, my doctor wants me to wait a few months before I can even try to try again.
And I'm terrified that if I do try again, all of this could happen all over again.
There are things that I think will give me comfort in the future. Unlike my sister in law who went through this just a week before I am now, there's no fetus and never was. Technically, I'm not losing a baby. I'm losing a pregnancy, I'm losing a possibility, I'm grieving what wasn't but could have been, but I didn't have the pain that she did of several weeks of carrying a fetus that hadn't been viable. And later, I think know that I didn't have to deal with that too will help. Right now, there's no way to convince my mind and heart (and stupid still pregnant feeling body) that I'm not losing something. I've still got October 21 circled in my mind as a day that my life would change again, but in a good way, instead of like it is right now. So maybe later, but not now.
Also, I got pregnant. I got pregnant wrong, but I got pregnant, and we weren't sure my body could do that anymore. And that's important to know. Not a lot of comfort right now when I'm stuck in this pregnant-but-not state, but someday.
Right now, I'm tired, and scared, and I know that I may go to the hospital in half an hour and that in a few hours they might decide I can't stay, either because of my cough, or because of a more urgent case (which of course I will understand because the more urgent cases need to be seen first and it's what you'd want if you or your family were that person, but it's also allowed to be frustrating).
I want this over. I want this over so that I can heal and cry and start moving forward instead of feeling trapped.
Thank you for listening.