Everybody into the Pool (everyone, PG-13)
“Your idea of fine doesn’t conform to my high standards,” McCoy said, hurrying to keep up. “Besides, I’m just following regs.”
“Yeah, and it’s working great. That Bajoran nose-flute music lowered my heart rate so far I was almost dead. So what are we doing in Engineering? Is Scotty going to climb in a Jeffries tube and play me a lullaby on the ‘pipes?”
“No. OK, hang a left-it should be that door. No, the other one.” They dipped their heads to avoid a low-hanging pipe and entered a squat door that led to a small room, about 8 meters square. Some of it was taken up by Scotty, but most was taken up with-
“It’s a hot tub,” Kirk said, mouth hanging open. And so it was; not the jerry-rigged version McCoy had expected, but a huge, round, bubbling cauldron of hot water.
“Is that redwood?” Kirk asked.
“More or less,” Scotty said. “The boys and girls in Materials Fabrication take pride in their work. Besides, when they heard it was for the captain-Well, use it in good health, sir. Thermostat is here on the side; air pump control is right next to it. The motor’s a bit of a beast, so keep ‘er under the fifth tick unless you want your insides cleaned as well as your outsides.” He winked. “Just let me know when you’re done with it; I may have to give it a go myself before I tear it down.”
“Scotty, thank you,” Kirk said, looking genuinely touched. “That was an awful lot of work-“
“Happy to do it. It’s good to see you up and about, sir.” He gave Kirk a gentle pat on the shoulder and left.
“Bones. I take back what I said, I-“
“Just shut up and try it.”
“OK.” Kirk grinned and began to shuck his clothes. McCoy turned slightly and pretended to find the blank wall very interesting.
“What are you doing?”
“Giving you some privacy. I thought maybe-“
“You’re a doctor. You’re my doctor. You’re also a friend who’s been involved in a certain amount of extracurricular nudity with me. I really don’t mind.”
“Well, ordinarily, but-“
“I swear to God, if you start treating me like I was made of frozen eggshells…I’m getting plenty of that as it is. Now look at me, dammit.”
McCoy did. There was hardly a mark on the fair skin that didn’t belong there, just newly regenerated patches, taut and a little shiny, that would be invisible to the unpracticed eye. There was also goose flesh; Scotty had done an excellent job with the ventilation, too. The air in the little room felt dry and brisk as a late autumn day.
“Well, why are you standing there naked? Everybody into the pool.” Kirk did what he was told for once and walked up the overturned storage bins that served as steps, hopping over the edge and lowering himself carefully, weight on his arms, into the unknown.
“Ahhhh…” he sighed, long and loud, as his body disappeared into the bubbling water. “Oh my God. This is amazing. I haven’t done this since that bath house on Fulton Street. I’m sure this is cleaner.” He bobbed and turned slowly around. “Ow! Oh, hey, there are seats in here. Wow, Scotty thought of everything.” Kirk sank up to his breastbone and closed his eyes. After a few minutes he cracked them open and said, “Are you just going to stand there watching me? Because I have to say, that’s kind of creepy.”
“You can’t be in here without supervision. I have to monitor your blood pressure, among other things.”
“No one’s watched me take a bath since I was six. If you want to monitor me, get in.”
“I can’t get the tricorder wet.”
“Fuck the tricorder. Get in.”
“Oh, fine.” In truth, McCoy didn’t mind; the water looked incredibly inviting. He stripped off his uniform and piled it neatly in the corner with Jim’s, out of range of splashes, and mounted the steps.
“No cannonballs,” Jim said, watching him with detached interest.
“Not the ol’ swimmin’ hole. I get it,” McCoy said, lowering himself in.
“I kind of hate being naked around you, you know?” Jim said, watching his torso disappear below the waves. “I feel I suffer by comparison.”
“No witnesses. Your reputation is intact. Oh dear lord, this is so fucking good.”
“It’s not like people can’t imagine what’s under your uniform anyway, but it’s a rare case where the reality lives up to the hype. Fortunately for me, tastes vary. The Omarindis, for example-“
“Jim,” McCoy said, not feeling so relaxed all of a sudden.
“It’s OK. It’s a good sign if I can joke about it, right? Well, it just so happened that I fit what Spock called ‘certain aesthetic parameters.’”
“He would.”
“Yeah, well, bad luck, huh?” McCoy, listening intently for stress in Jim’s voice, heard none. “That’s all it was, Bones. Just bad luck. The chances of something like that happening again-“
“I don’t want to think about it right now. And I didn’t mean to cut you off; if you want to talk about it-“
“I don’t, but it’s not because I’m all traumatized and stuff. It’s just that I prefer to focus on what’s ahead. Lucky for me Starfleet has a mandatory five-day stand-down to make sure I have nothing to do but dwell on it.”
“Lucky for you, you have friends to distract you.”
“Well, I have to admit, you are pretty distracting right now. I mean, if I-pffft” Jim suddenly disappeared under the water, McCoy having used his expert knowledge of anatomy to determine where his legs were, grab them, and pull him off the underwater seat.
“Shit,” Kirk spluttered, resurfacing, trying to look annoyed and failing. “What was that for?”
“That’s what you call a distraction.”
Kirk laughed, wiping water out of his eyes. “I thought maybe Scotty put a little Loch Ness Monster in here or something.”
“Oh, there’s a monster in here, all right,” McCoy said, emboldened. “But it’s not-“ Just then there was a knock on the door, and Scotty poked his head in.
“Everything all right, sir? I just wanted to make sure it-ah, Dr. McCoy, taking it for a spin too, I see?” Scotty’s gaze was as good-natured as ever, but a certain speculative gleam made McCoy glad he’d chosen a seat on the other side of the tub from Jim.
“It’s great, Scotty.” Kirk said. “Fantastic. In fact, since you spent so much time on it, I think you deserve to give it a try. Care to join us?” He wasn’t looking at McCoy, so he couldn’t see his slightly disappointed expression.
“Well, captain, that’s generous of you-don’t mind if I do.” And in just a few moments, Scotty had added the bits and pieces of his uniform to the pile. Kirk watched, unconcerned, while McCoy glanced away. He was well used to nudity, but more used to being the one who was clothed.
Scotty sank into the water with noisy ecstasy. “Oh, that’s good. Oh, sweet mother of mercy! You’re a genius, doctor-I should have done this months ago.”
“I think the captain will tell you it requires a prescription,” McCoy said, feeling a little more generous. The water truly had a hypnotic effect, because both Scotty and Kirk managed to stay silent for a few minutes. McCoy peeked out from between his half-closed eyes to look at Kirk’s face, relaxed and beatific. The heat was making his cheeks pink and causing his hair to curl at the ends. He’d just started to wish for a sudden Engineering crisis when the door opened yet again.
“Captain,” said Spock, Vulcan stoicism allowing him to sound not at all like a man who’d just discovered three naked senior officers in a pool of water. “Operations monitoring detected an anomalous 20 kW power draw coming from this area. As it is the conclusion of beta shift, I decided to investigate myself.”
“Load of bollocks,” Scotty said with a snort. “You heard about the tub from Materials and wanted to have a look for yourself. Well, don’t just stand there, man-get in!”
“Sure, why not?” McCoy said, weighing Spock’s discomfort against having to share yet again. “Unless you need us to explain the purpose to you?”
“I do not, doctor. This custom appears similar to a v’san steam bath.”
“Let me guess,” McCoy said. “It’s like one of our baths but a million degrees and you all beat each other senseless afterward or something.”
“No,” said Spock, cocking his head in puzzlement. “We simple appreciate its warmth and cleansing properties."
“I think this meets the requirement, then,” Kirk drawled, sounding as if he were reaching the proper heights of doctor-approved relaxation. “Come on in. If it’s not hot enough, we can turn it up for you.”
“Very well,” Spock said neutrally. “I am pleased that you are feeling well enough for-exercise, captain.”
Spock began to strip off his clothes with admirable efficiency. McCoy didn’t look because he’d seen it, and didn’t need to see it again; Kirk also seemed incurious, for reasons McCoy didn’t want to think about. Only Scotty looked directly at him with frank, inoffensive interest.
“Well! It seems the rumors are no more than truth for a change. Well done, Mr. Spock.”
“Physical endowments are genetically determined and therefore do not merit congratulations,” Spock said, climbing into the tub with catlike caution. He made no sounds of pleasure.
“Just remember that cuts both ways when we all get out,” McCoy said, a little displeased that Spock had taken the seat nearest Kirk.
“Y’know, Spock, if you’re going to stay, you should call Uhura.”
“Do you think Lt. Uhura would enjoy this?”
“What I think is that you’re at a naked hot tub party without your girlfriend. Dude." Kirk shook his head. “Not good.”
“He’s right about that,” Scotty said, reaching over the edge to adjust the controls and giving McCoy an inadvertent eyeful. “If she heard it about, she might think you were-“ he looked from Spock to McCoy to Kirk, then up at the ceiling. “Let’s just say that you’ll get brownie points for asking her”
“What variety of points?”
“Just ask,” Kirk said. “Do it now before you get too comfortable.”
“Don’t worry, captain, I’ve got it,” Scotty said, slapping the side of the tub. “Scott to Lt. Uhura.”
“This thing has built-in communications?” Kirk said, impressed.
“Oh, aye. And a cooler. Soft drinks only; doctor's orders."
“Uhura here.” Her voice sounded damp and throaty above the bubbling of the water.
“Lieutenant, Mr. Spock has requested your presence on Deck 10, Corridor D, Portal 2A, second door on the left.”
“Is it an emergency? What’s going on? You sound like you're next to a pot of boiling water.”
“She’s really good at sounds,” McCoy stage-whispered to Kirk.
“Maybe she can hear that we’re naked," Kirk whispered back.
“Who is that?” Uhura said sharply. “Is that the captain?” Kirk and McCoy slapped hands over their mouths to stifle the dumb chuckles that threatened to spill out.
“It is I, lieutenant," Spock said. "We are engaged in an activity that the captain believes you would enjoy.” That prompted a long, pregnant silence.
“I’ll be down there right away.”
She must have run; the door opened in less than a minute.
“Oh. My. God. I don’t know if I just walked into a fantasy or a nightmare.”
“It’s an ordinary Deck 10 hot tub party. We have ‘em all the time," Kirk said with almost plausible nonchalance."C’mon, hop in."
“You want me to get in the hot tub."
“Yes.”
“With four naked senior officers.”
“It’s a hot tub, lieutenant, not the Velosian Pleasuredrome. Besides, Spock is your boyfriend, McCoy is your doctor, Scotty is…Scotty, and I, for maybe the first and hopefully the last time in my life, am not actually in the mood for anything naughty. Your honor couldn’t be safer if you were wrapped in ten blankets and locked in Lt. Kadrah’s closet. He’s a Zentarran; only develops genitals once every ten years,” he said to McCoy by way of explanation.
“I assume this is for the captain’s benefit?” she said, looking at McCoy. When he put on his best doctorly frown and nodded, she seemed to relax a little. “Well, all right, as long as it’s for a good cause.” Her tone changed abruptly. “I’m going to get undressed now. I want four pairs of eyes on the opposite wall, and if you’re considering cheating, remember that you’re a lot more vulnerable under the water than I am. You, too, Spock,” she said, when Spock didn’t turn around. “This is supposed to be therapeutic. I don’t want anyone having any fun.”
McCoy, aiming to keep all his body parts, stared at the far wall like it had a recipe for latinum written on it. He couldn’t help mentally narrating the sounds he heard; Uhura’s uniform slipping off, her light tread as she mounted the steps, the almost noiseless splash of her slipping into the water.
“All right, boys, you can open your eyes.” She was safely chest deep, perched between Spock and McCoy, long hair pulled in loop at the back of her head. “Oh. Oh, this is amazing. Good idea, whoever thought of it.”
“It was kind of a group effort,” Kirk said.
“You know who’d love this?” She stretched her long neck so she could rest her head on the edge of the tub. “Chekov. He’s homesick for Russian banyas. Apparently they run around in the snow afterward and hit each other with birch branches."
“This sounds very much like a v’san.”
“See, I knew there was hitting involved,” McCoy said, scowling at Spock.
“Give him a buzz,” Kirk said, shepherding an accumulation of foam between his arms. “Better call Sulu, too. I don’t want him feeling left out.”
“Jim, this is supposed to be relaxing,” McCoy complained. “How is it relaxation if there are seven people in here, all jabbering away?”
“I believe that Captain Kirk is enjoying the company of his friends,” Spock said. “Is that not so, captain?”
“You’re’ so right, Spock. Not one person has asked me how I’m feeling in the last twenty minutes. It’s great.”
“Twenty minutes,” McCoy said, concerned again. “Jim, you should get out for a while. You shouldn’t get overheated. You should also drink something-Scotty, did you say there's a cooler?"
"Coming right up." Scotty leaned over the edge of the tub. Uhura gave a moan of horror.
"Excuse me, there's a lady present."
"It's OK, Scotty," Kirk said, "I'll get it." He mimed getting ready to stand up, and Uhura shot him a murderous look.
“How about a compromise? I’ll lower the temperature." Scotty fiddled with the control again. “If it's not so hot, it’d be safe to have something a wee bit stronger than water, wouldn’t it, doctor? Right, I'll ask Sulu to bring it along."
Ten minutes later, in the now quite crowded but not-so-hot tub, Sulu passed around a bottle of tequila and slices of lime, while McCoy glared repeatedly to make sure the bottle passed by Jim, who was on several medications and shouldn’t be drinking.
“This is incredible. Thank you so much for asking us, captain,” Chekov said, doing his best to intercept the tequila bottle before Sulu’s lightening reflexes grabbed it away from him. “It reminds of the winters I spent with my grandmother in Vladivostock. She had a Borzoi that knew how to-“
“Engineering to Mr. Scott,” the hot tub said incongruously.
“Scott here.” McCoy thought that it was not the first time Scotty had answered a hail naked.
“The Admiralty has informed us we’ll be beginning in ten minutes, sir.”
“Double damn.” A few seconds later, every comm badge in the pile of clothes began to go off.
“What is it?” Kirk said, suddenly alert as a dog at his master’s whistle.
“A drill, sir. The Admiralty’s ordered it for every ship in the sector,” Uhura said, as everyone but McCoy and Kirk piled out of the tub and began tossing towels at each other from a large pile on the floor.
“A drill? Really? You’re not bullshitting me?”
“No, sir. It’s a pretty tedious one, too. Count yourself lucky you're on the bench for this one.”
Kirk didn’t look as if he felt lucky at all. He looked crestfallen, like the kid forced to stay inside on a snow day.
“OK, well, good luck. Hey, what about a rain check? Same place, same time tomorrow night?” That got an enthusiastic yes; everyone, including Kirk, suddenly looked happier.
After a few minutes of mixing up boots and trying to smooth down damp hair, everyone filed out, calling out their good nights.
“That was great,” Kirk said. “I really appreciate your doing this. I’m sorry I made fun of those other therapy things.”
“They were pretty lame. I’m especially sorry about the watercolors; I had no idea Ensign Koppel loved sunsets that much.” Feeling suddenly like he was talking to Kirk across a great distance, McCoy shifted around the seat next to Kirk’s.
“It’s OK. It’s nice that people feel like I’m worth doing this for. You in particular.” He slid a long arm around the edge of the tub, which also happened to be around McCoy’s shoulders.
“I always worry, Jim. Even when nothing happens. And this time-“
“Hey,” Kirk interrupted, glancing down at the floor. “What do you know? They left the bottle of tequila."