Soldier's Soliloquy. [1/1]
A/N: This was originally the final chapter of Kat's old fanfic, which I helped write towards the end. This entire chapter was originally my own, but I edited it to work as a oneshot. Written from Gerard's point of view.
Enjoy.
Black.
The curtain of darkness descended on me, muffling my thoughts and dulling the world around me as I passed out, the shock overwhelming my system and controlling my body. I felt the warmth of the blood-scented battlefield leave me, washed away by the chill sensation of the black river now slowly swirling around my body, the opaque coldness replacing the crusting, warm sensation of his blood.
I burst through to the surface, freezing air stinging my lungs as I dragged heavily on the precious oxygen, sitting waist-deep in the gentle current. The soothing blackness of the water enticed me, calling to my soul to lie down, sleep peacefully. To let the current carry me to the end of the river, to a final rest. I slid down, my mind slowing even as I fought with all my strength to get up.
I pushed myself upright, heaving as I denied the river its prey, staggering to my feet and shivering as I searched around me for any sign whatsoever as to where I was.
The dark, murky waters shimmered in the fading line of light behind me, my shadow rippling across the flat sheet, small waves forming as I shook, my breath frosting. In the far distance I heard the crashing echo of a waterfall, one that I could not see through the thick, grey light as I walked along the tightrope line between this purgatory and the warmth of life.
It was a bizarre sensation, the light and heat of life pressing in on the back of my neck whilst my breath was exhaled in clouds of wispy steam, my fingertips numbing and my feet no longer existent in my sensation as the nerves froze in the icy water.
Just ahead of me, I saw a slip of white under the surface, dragging slowly along with the weak current. I waded across to it, reaching down and breaking the mirror-like surface with a gentle sloshing noise as my fingertips grasped a soggy, chilled shirt sleeve, dredging up a pale figure.
As my eyes adjusted to the fuzzy grey lighting, the features of the figure came into view. His eyes closed, lips parted slightly as he lay unconscious and cold in my arms. His skin was a stark white, the multicoloured ink on his body standing out in harsh contrast, yet somehow dulled by the sensation of this place.
He looked different from when I last saw him, his eyelids now closed, the thin membrane taut against the delicate organs as I looked on in awe. He looked more beautiful now than ever. I stayed perfectly still, afraid I may ruin this peaceful silence if I moved even an inch.
I understood then: where I was. Looking down at him, my Frankie, I knew where I was.
Death.
This river, this chilling darkness, it was death. This river, in which I stood so normally, carried the souls of the dead to the final, irreversible death. The final ending.
I knew then, he was gone forever. He still refused to wake, even though I shook him violently, wanting some reaction.
I knew then, he looked fixed. He looked perfect, beautiful, but he was never coming back to me.
I cried.
I was so stupid.
So fucking stupid.
I love him.
No, I loved him.
He loved me.
I should have listened. I should have listened to him, not that small, shy voice in my head. That monster was not me. It was a part of me, but not me. It was my dark side, my own personal demon. I should have been able to control it. I should have been able to kill it, to maul it like it mauled him.
I should have controlled myself.
I knew then, even if he was never coming back, I could still go back.
He was gone, forever, doomed to slip away with the current, to stay cold. And that was my fault. But I didn't have to accompany him. I could go back. He would have wanted it.
I laid down his icy body again, letting the water wash over his face, those beautiful eyes fading, still shielded as he sunk into the water, small bubbles of air escaping from beneath him as the current grasped at him with eager hands, rocking him slowly.
The soul, the embodiment of my lover slowly disappeared again, fading to nothing but a slip of white as he was pulled away, my heart swelling and stabs of incomparable pain lashing at it viciously as it burst like a balloon, the steely outer shell cracking, my life-blood flowing black within this newly formed cavern in my chest.
I was broken. Finally, irreversibly.
“Goodbye, Frank. I loved you.”
I watched as the shadow of a life, of all that beauty and happiness faded to nothing, disappearing beyond the horizon, time dragging slowly as I fixed this memory in my mind, the sheer blankness surrounding it scaring me beyond anything else.
I stood for what seemed like hours, the air so chill in this place that my tears froze on my cheeks, finally turning on my heel and stumbling towards the light, that loving warmth embracing me as the light shone brighter, blinding me.
Everything was white.
Bright, hot white.
My heart began to beat irregularly.
A pain shot out through my nerves, into my left arm.
The light shone brighter if possible, flashing before me.
God, this hurts.
Living hurts.
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And if you're confused, you understand this perfectly.