Caffeine, lack of real sleep....
Been a while, but I need to vent how sad I am. Things had been going really well with my green-haired darling, and then they all got ripped to shreds.
I seriously had thought at one point, he was ready to get serious again, asking me questions like what he needed to do to prove himself to me again. A week later, after a weird patch of silence, I made him tell me what was going on because he was acting so differently. He asked me out to lunch and then said that he'd "met someone", though he was pretty quick to tell me about a hundred reasons why it might not work out when I asked what this girl's deal was, such as "the relationship might be too hard," or "he wasn't sure if he'd want to just be her friend," or "he was just feeling it out."
Obviously, I cried. I cried really hard into his shirt and he held me the whole time.
Then I told him that I was really upset because it felt like he treated girls like his hobbies -- which, I might add, he flits around back and forth with, unable to settle on a single thing for very long. He was upset by that, didn't want to hear anymore, told me I didn't have my shit together because I was getting a little hysterical about the whole thing. He insisted we talk about the things we always talk about, tried real hard to make it light. He insisted I was still incredibly important to him, as important as his best friend and his family, and we should go to a baseball game later in the week, grab another bite to eat. I left feeling shaken, kind of betrayed, but okay that I wasn't going to totally lose him at least.
A few days later though, after talking to some friends, I decided that it would be a good idea to draw a line in the sand about boundaries. The big issue was that he hadn't managed to respect what it even meant to be friends by flirting with me when he knew what I was hoping for the whole time. I felt strung along and I didn't want to feel like the Plan B girl, even if there was a slim chance of things working out with this new person. So I had him call me when he was free and I pretty much told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to have him in my life or that I didn't care, but if he was serious about pursuing someone else, then we shouldn't see each other for a little bit, that his emotional push and pull was getting in the way of my ability to take care of myself, and that I didn't want to be strung along while he took the same relationship from me that we always had without returning it equally. I asked for like two weeks of space, and he said not to put a time limit on it, but to contact him when I felt comfortable, and he'd be there. I guess I expected it to roll like last time when he was pulling this back and forth crap and I put my foot down and he suddenly shaped up. Maybe since the situation is more intense this time, it will take more time, or maybe he won't ever think about it again because it's too hard. I keep giving the benefit of the doubt, since it worked the first time, that he will realize what he is losing by being so careless with his life and relationships. But I should know better that people don't change just like that. I even have hard fucking evidence that his dating/friendship history rolls exactly like this, so why should I hope that I would have been the one to change him, even though that's how everyone around him said he spoke of me. But then again, maybe he spoke of other girls or friends like that too. (Had a conversation with an old friend of his who lamented the loss of their friendship after he was promoted over my darling at work, and my darling stopped talking to him.)
Anyway, all that happened in those two weeks was that he blocked me on Facebook and I sent him a text on the two week mark that it was okay for him to talk to me if he wanted and that I appreciated the space. I haven't heard from him since, and though everyone I know, our mutual friends included, are proud of me for standing up for myself and telling him hard things, I still hate it, and I hate the way ti makes me feel, and I hate not being able to talk to him. I get the concept that if he's going to miss me, he has to not have me there, and I really hate not having him to talk to because he was like my best friend for so long. I feel like all I can do is talk about it, though I don't think I'll ever get to the understanding I am seeking. I'm having lunch with his roommate tomorrow to get the rest of my things, though... maybe he can help me a little bit more there. He's a good guy, though I can kind of tell by the way he talks to me about everything that this is just sort of how my darling is and he's seen it before. Which sucks. I guess I'd thought I was special and important to him and worth making an effort for. In my secret world, I am, and he just needs time to realize that. I really just don't even know what to think, honestly. I know all of you guys are going to say, "YEAH FUCK HIM YOU'RE BETTER OFF," but my heart just isn't there yet. Imagine Heero if Duo was just ripped suddenly away... it's like that.
In the meantime, I'll continue on with the tattooing apprenticeship I just picked up. Guess he misses out there :/
I seriously had thought at one point, he was ready to get serious again, asking me questions like what he needed to do to prove himself to me again. A week later, after a weird patch of silence, I made him tell me what was going on because he was acting so differently. He asked me out to lunch and then said that he'd "met someone", though he was pretty quick to tell me about a hundred reasons why it might not work out when I asked what this girl's deal was, such as "the relationship might be too hard," or "he wasn't sure if he'd want to just be her friend," or "he was just feeling it out."
Obviously, I cried. I cried really hard into his shirt and he held me the whole time.
Then I told him that I was really upset because it felt like he treated girls like his hobbies -- which, I might add, he flits around back and forth with, unable to settle on a single thing for very long. He was upset by that, didn't want to hear anymore, told me I didn't have my shit together because I was getting a little hysterical about the whole thing. He insisted we talk about the things we always talk about, tried real hard to make it light. He insisted I was still incredibly important to him, as important as his best friend and his family, and we should go to a baseball game later in the week, grab another bite to eat. I left feeling shaken, kind of betrayed, but okay that I wasn't going to totally lose him at least.
A few days later though, after talking to some friends, I decided that it would be a good idea to draw a line in the sand about boundaries. The big issue was that he hadn't managed to respect what it even meant to be friends by flirting with me when he knew what I was hoping for the whole time. I felt strung along and I didn't want to feel like the Plan B girl, even if there was a slim chance of things working out with this new person. So I had him call me when he was free and I pretty much told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to have him in my life or that I didn't care, but if he was serious about pursuing someone else, then we shouldn't see each other for a little bit, that his emotional push and pull was getting in the way of my ability to take care of myself, and that I didn't want to be strung along while he took the same relationship from me that we always had without returning it equally. I asked for like two weeks of space, and he said not to put a time limit on it, but to contact him when I felt comfortable, and he'd be there. I guess I expected it to roll like last time when he was pulling this back and forth crap and I put my foot down and he suddenly shaped up. Maybe since the situation is more intense this time, it will take more time, or maybe he won't ever think about it again because it's too hard. I keep giving the benefit of the doubt, since it worked the first time, that he will realize what he is losing by being so careless with his life and relationships. But I should know better that people don't change just like that. I even have hard fucking evidence that his dating/friendship history rolls exactly like this, so why should I hope that I would have been the one to change him, even though that's how everyone around him said he spoke of me. But then again, maybe he spoke of other girls or friends like that too. (Had a conversation with an old friend of his who lamented the loss of their friendship after he was promoted over my darling at work, and my darling stopped talking to him.)
Anyway, all that happened in those two weeks was that he blocked me on Facebook and I sent him a text on the two week mark that it was okay for him to talk to me if he wanted and that I appreciated the space. I haven't heard from him since, and though everyone I know, our mutual friends included, are proud of me for standing up for myself and telling him hard things, I still hate it, and I hate the way ti makes me feel, and I hate not being able to talk to him. I get the concept that if he's going to miss me, he has to not have me there, and I really hate not having him to talk to because he was like my best friend for so long. I feel like all I can do is talk about it, though I don't think I'll ever get to the understanding I am seeking. I'm having lunch with his roommate tomorrow to get the rest of my things, though... maybe he can help me a little bit more there. He's a good guy, though I can kind of tell by the way he talks to me about everything that this is just sort of how my darling is and he's seen it before. Which sucks. I guess I'd thought I was special and important to him and worth making an effort for. In my secret world, I am, and he just needs time to realize that. I really just don't even know what to think, honestly. I know all of you guys are going to say, "YEAH FUCK HIM YOU'RE BETTER OFF," but my heart just isn't there yet. Imagine Heero if Duo was just ripped suddenly away... it's like that.
In the meantime, I'll continue on with the tattooing apprenticeship I just picked up. Guess he misses out there :/