(no subject)
So many things have happened.
He...I'm going to have to start calling him Tom and get it over with, whatever the discomfort...is out of the medically induced coma and by all means physically healed...the emotional aspect is another altogether.
Whatever they did to him...whatever she did to him...
It was Liz. I don't pretend to understand how or why. I simply saw it as clearly as he, one of the requisite fallacies of being a telepath. After he awoke we left sickbay and wound up in his Flyer, trying to make sense of the situation. In the process I found out far more than I would have liked to have.
Afterward, he so clearly expected recrimination, anger...I couldn't do that, offer those. He was a victim. But at the same time, I was hurt because whatever he feels for me, it clearly isn't enough to halt the sway other women have on him. First B'Elanna and now this. At times I get the strangest idea that the entire relationship we have going is an escape for him, perhaps a game, a placebo, idealistic but hardly solid.
I left him there in the Flyer with every intention of confronting Cutler, but I was interrupted by my father and Kes. After a brief meal with them I managed to slip off for some sleep, and woke in labor.
I remember very little, having been sedated most of the time. I do know that my father was there until only briefly before his double came in, and then I was put under again for the Caesarean. Renara Kellie is beautiful, everything I ever hoped for in a child. I just can't escape the sense that I have no right to her...there are others like Michael Rostov and Stephen Tanner, others who deserve this sort of gift.
I have a son I didn't quite appreciate properly and that I may never see again, a hus...Harry. What did Harry do to deserve me? I had everything I should have been satisfied with on Voyager, and everything I don't deserve here.
But what do Rostov and Tanner have?
I don't know up from down anymore, much less wrong from right.