This Is Not A Movie
Title: This Is Not A Movie
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~1000
Summary: Jared and Jensen are clearly awesome at killing bad guys.
Notes: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear blackrabbit42. Happy birthday to you! Obviously inspired by your favorite movie The Boondock Saints.
Thanks a million to laurathelurker for betaing this at light speed :)
Also on AO3.
“I told you there would be an air vent,” Jared says with annoying glee.
“I told you there would be an air vent,” Jensen repeats, fake mocking him. “How many times do I have to tell you that real life is different from the movies?”
“Not that different obviously.”
Jensen whacks Jared over the head with his gloved hand.
“Ouch, what was that for?”
“Focus on the job, you idiot.”
“Idiot?” Jared asks as he pulls his ski mask down over his face. “I was right about the vent, wasn't I?”
“That's dumb luck,” Jensen says. He also covers his face. “Hence, the idiot part.” He unscrews the grid and gently sets it down. “After you,” he says to Jared.
“Oh, yeah. I don't think so. You go first. Not about to give you prime view of my stupid ass.”
“I didn't mean it like that, and you know it,” Jensen says in a soothing voice as he lovingly pinches Jared's ass. “Saint.”
“Aw, you remembered my code name.” Jared turns to face Jensen, aiming his lips for the slot in Jensen's mask.
Jensen can't help himself. “Your ass is not stupid at all. It's your brain that's the problem.”
Jared's eyes grow wide behind the mask. He pushes Jensen to the wall. Hard. He presses his whole body to Jensen's and grips his head tight with his gloved hands as he stares into Jensen's eyes.
Jensen starts to grin. There's definitely some anger there, and fire. He's getting hard.
It's so not the time for this.
Shit.
“Although I appreciate the sentiment here, we've actually got a job to do,” Jensen says, and he slips out of Jared's hold. “Follow me.”
He pulls himself up into the ventilation shaft and starts elbowing his way forward through the tight space.
From the cursing behind him, he can tell that Jared is following him.
It's hot in the vent, and tight, and more than a little disorientating.
“... will be the most powerful, most feared family this city has ever seen!”
“Ssh, stop,” Jensen whispers. “You hear that? This way.”
“Don't shush me. Jared do this. Jared go here. Bossy motherfucker,” Jared is muttering.
Jensen stops and Jared bumps with his arms into Jensen's boots.
“Hey, give a guy some warning, will ya?”
“Ssh.”
“Stop saying tha-”
”... will meet with the Russians tomorrow, and we will kill them all!”
Loud laughter erupts. It's clearly coming from a vent behind them, one they just passed.
“Follow me, he says. Who's the dumbass now, huh?” Jared says quietly.
“We'll turn at the next intersection.”
Jensen turns around at the point where another vent joins the one they're in. The thick bundle of rope on his back is making it very difficult.
“Why did we bring this fucking heavy rope exactly?” Jensen asks as he climbs past and over Jared's body.
“In the movies they always bring rope. Rope is very useful.”
“It's heavy and in the way and...”
“What? Why are you not moving?”
“I'm kinda stuck.”
“Fuck.”
“Yes, indeed.”
Jared twists and turns to see what happened.
“Oo yeah, do that again,” Jensen taunts.
“My rope is caught on your thigh holster. See, mister real-bad-asses-always-wear-thigh-holsters. Not my fucking fault we're stuck now.”
“So, you're saying you don't like my thigh holsters?”
“I love your thigh holsters, although shoulder holsters are clearly more practical. I just don't like you very much right now.”
“Unstick it then.”
“Can't reach. Can you shuffle back a bit? Yeah, maybe I can... What are you doing?”
“I eh, I got distracted by your dick.”
“Does this seem like appropriate timing to be nuzzling my dick?”
“I thought you were always up for that?” Jensen says with held back laughter.
Jared suddenly pushes out his pelvis causing Jensen to hit his head hard.
“Ouch, what was that for?”
“Focus on the job, you perv.”
Jared wriggles one hand to the rope and manages to slip it off the gun handle. “Okay, you should be good to go now.”
Jensen pushes past Jared and elbows to the vent where the sound came from.
“No need to thank me. Wait for me, fuck-ass.”
When Jared catches up with Jensen, he's laying still again.
“What's up now?” Jared asks.
“Ssh.”
“I told you not to shush me. Stop doing that. Who died and made you boss? Huh?”
“I can see them below me through the ventilation grid,” Jensen whispers.
“Let me see.”
Jared wriggles forward until he is next to Jensen in the narrow shaft. It's a very tight fit. He pushes Jensen's face out of the way to be able to see.
“Hey, watch the face!”
Jensen pulls Jared's mask - and some hair with it - to regain his view of the bad-guys.
Jared in return, grabs hold of Jensen's nuts and squeezes.
“Goddammit! That's not fair,” Jensen hisses. He gets out his gun to hit Jared with it.
Jared tries to wrestle Jensen's hands in the rope.
“WHAAAAAAA!” Jensen screams and “NOOOOOOOO!” Jared yells as they come crashing down through the ceiling to end up in the middle of the group of mobsters, suspended upside down from the ceiling.
Jensen starts shooting right away as Jared takes both his guns out of his shoulder holsters. They continue to shoot until all eight guys are either down dead or severely bleeding.
“See, I told you the rope would come in handy.”
“Did you see me taking out the guy diving behind the couch?”
“Just like in the movies.”
“We're clearly awesome at this.”
.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~1000
Summary: Jared and Jensen are clearly awesome at killing bad guys.
Notes: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear blackrabbit42. Happy birthday to you! Obviously inspired by your favorite movie The Boondock Saints.
Thanks a million to laurathelurker for betaing this at light speed :)
Also on AO3.
“I told you there would be an air vent,” Jared says with annoying glee.
“I told you there would be an air vent,” Jensen repeats, fake mocking him. “How many times do I have to tell you that real life is different from the movies?”
“Not that different obviously.”
Jensen whacks Jared over the head with his gloved hand.
“Ouch, what was that for?”
“Focus on the job, you idiot.”
“Idiot?” Jared asks as he pulls his ski mask down over his face. “I was right about the vent, wasn't I?”
“That's dumb luck,” Jensen says. He also covers his face. “Hence, the idiot part.” He unscrews the grid and gently sets it down. “After you,” he says to Jared.
“Oh, yeah. I don't think so. You go first. Not about to give you prime view of my stupid ass.”
“I didn't mean it like that, and you know it,” Jensen says in a soothing voice as he lovingly pinches Jared's ass. “Saint.”
“Aw, you remembered my code name.” Jared turns to face Jensen, aiming his lips for the slot in Jensen's mask.
Jensen can't help himself. “Your ass is not stupid at all. It's your brain that's the problem.”
Jared's eyes grow wide behind the mask. He pushes Jensen to the wall. Hard. He presses his whole body to Jensen's and grips his head tight with his gloved hands as he stares into Jensen's eyes.
Jensen starts to grin. There's definitely some anger there, and fire. He's getting hard.
It's so not the time for this.
Shit.
“Although I appreciate the sentiment here, we've actually got a job to do,” Jensen says, and he slips out of Jared's hold. “Follow me.”
He pulls himself up into the ventilation shaft and starts elbowing his way forward through the tight space.
From the cursing behind him, he can tell that Jared is following him.
It's hot in the vent, and tight, and more than a little disorientating.
“... will be the most powerful, most feared family this city has ever seen!”
“Ssh, stop,” Jensen whispers. “You hear that? This way.”
“Don't shush me. Jared do this. Jared go here. Bossy motherfucker,” Jared is muttering.
Jensen stops and Jared bumps with his arms into Jensen's boots.
“Hey, give a guy some warning, will ya?”
“Ssh.”
“Stop saying tha-”
”... will meet with the Russians tomorrow, and we will kill them all!”
Loud laughter erupts. It's clearly coming from a vent behind them, one they just passed.
“Follow me, he says. Who's the dumbass now, huh?” Jared says quietly.
“We'll turn at the next intersection.”
Jensen turns around at the point where another vent joins the one they're in. The thick bundle of rope on his back is making it very difficult.
“Why did we bring this fucking heavy rope exactly?” Jensen asks as he climbs past and over Jared's body.
“In the movies they always bring rope. Rope is very useful.”
“It's heavy and in the way and...”
“What? Why are you not moving?”
“I'm kinda stuck.”
“Fuck.”
“Yes, indeed.”
Jared twists and turns to see what happened.
“Oo yeah, do that again,” Jensen taunts.
“My rope is caught on your thigh holster. See, mister real-bad-asses-always-wear-thigh-holsters. Not my fucking fault we're stuck now.”
“So, you're saying you don't like my thigh holsters?”
“I love your thigh holsters, although shoulder holsters are clearly more practical. I just don't like you very much right now.”
“Unstick it then.”
“Can't reach. Can you shuffle back a bit? Yeah, maybe I can... What are you doing?”
“I eh, I got distracted by your dick.”
“Does this seem like appropriate timing to be nuzzling my dick?”
“I thought you were always up for that?” Jensen says with held back laughter.
Jared suddenly pushes out his pelvis causing Jensen to hit his head hard.
“Ouch, what was that for?”
“Focus on the job, you perv.”
Jared wriggles one hand to the rope and manages to slip it off the gun handle. “Okay, you should be good to go now.”
Jensen pushes past Jared and elbows to the vent where the sound came from.
“No need to thank me. Wait for me, fuck-ass.”
When Jared catches up with Jensen, he's laying still again.
“What's up now?” Jared asks.
“Ssh.”
“I told you not to shush me. Stop doing that. Who died and made you boss? Huh?”
“I can see them below me through the ventilation grid,” Jensen whispers.
“Let me see.”
Jared wriggles forward until he is next to Jensen in the narrow shaft. It's a very tight fit. He pushes Jensen's face out of the way to be able to see.
“Hey, watch the face!”
Jensen pulls Jared's mask - and some hair with it - to regain his view of the bad-guys.
Jared in return, grabs hold of Jensen's nuts and squeezes.
“Goddammit! That's not fair,” Jensen hisses. He gets out his gun to hit Jared with it.
Jared tries to wrestle Jensen's hands in the rope.
“WHAAAAAAA!” Jensen screams and “NOOOOOOOO!” Jared yells as they come crashing down through the ceiling to end up in the middle of the group of mobsters, suspended upside down from the ceiling.
Jensen starts shooting right away as Jared takes both his guns out of his shoulder holsters. They continue to shoot until all eight guys are either down dead or severely bleeding.
“See, I told you the rope would come in handy.”
“Did you see me taking out the guy diving behind the couch?”
“Just like in the movies.”
“We're clearly awesome at this.”
.