One Man At A Time (or A Day In The Life Of An Evil-Supervillain)
Author: linvro21
Title: One Man At A Time (or A Day In The Life Of An Evil-Supervillain)
Word Count: ~1800
Pairing/Character: Evil!Jensen/ Cookie-selling!Jared, minions (and the mention of Evil!Misha)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: J2 AU
Summary: Jensen's mother wants him to dominate the world. He'll start with just one man at a time.
Warnings: Crack. Mis-use of the movie Despicable Me. And also, first-time writer here...
Disclaimer: No minions were harmed during the writing of this fic. If anyone thinks this is reality, I'd like to meet them! (and have them committed)
Note 1: Ashtraythief made me do it! She was also kind enough to beta this. Written for j2_crack.
Note 2: Masterpost Supervillain!Verse
One Man At A Time (or A Day In The Life Of An Evil-Supervillain)
It could get quite lonely being an evil super-villain, he pondered while he absently polished his antique skull-collection during breakfast. The benefits were not to be taken lightly: he had a roomy evil-looking mansion, a fast evil-looking car and lots of (not-so) evil-looking minions to assist him. But he had to put a lot into it as well... He had no time for friends or family - although his mother didn't seem to agree with him on this: she called him every day to check up on his evil-doings - and no time for hobbies, other than the pursuit of world-domination: the family business.
Ring! Ring!
The sound of the telephone abruptly ended his train of thought.
“Dr. Jackles speaking.” He knew it had to be his mother, but proper telephone manners were always in order.
“Hi Jensen honeybunny. How is my favorite evil genius doing today? What evil plans have you got lined up?”
She just had to ask this every day. And every day he would answer in the lines of: “I'm doing quite well, thank you. Right on schedule with the whole world-domination thing.”
“You make me so proud. You know what would make me even more proud?”
Yes, he knew what was coming next without actually listening to her words:
Yada yada relationship, yada yada marriage, yada yada...
“Actually mother, I was just wondering whether I would take up a hobby, you know, something to pursue other than what I've been working on for the better part of my life.”
“Oh sugerlump, you are? What ever were you thinking of? What would your father say if you just abandoned our dream of world domination? What if some other super-villain beats you to it? What if Dr. MC beat you to it?”
He heard his mother breathing heavily at the thought of this enormous shame. Maybe this would be the end of it, but no...
“Besides, I can't think of anything really, that you'd be good at, seeing that you've been working at taking over the world for roughly 25 years now? You have such specialized skills: stealing, designing contraptions, leading your minions. Whatever else would you do?”
To be honest, his thoughts hadn't wondered that far yet. His mother was probably right. It would be a waste of time and resources to stop now.
“Yes, mother, you are right as usual. I'll head off to my underground lab this minute. Talk to you later.”
“Bye loveydovey of mine.”
Maybe if he didn't defer too much from the whole master-plan, he could get away with it. He could steal all clocks in town, claiming to start with domination of time? And then he could secretly take up the hobby of clock restoration, before returning them to their grateful owners. Making lots of new friends while doing so.
Or he could design a giant pet-attraction ray that would lead lots of animals to his mansion, so he could start a petting zoo. He loved animals. Lots of people loved animals. They would come to his mansion and they could talk and pet and... He could tell his mother he was starting with dominating the smaller animals of the planet.
Or he could lead his tiny yellow minions to pre-schools to play with the children on the playgrounds, claiming to start with dominating the minds of the young. Teachers and parents would praise him on his selflessness.
All these plans made him happy- for a brief while, just thinking about them. If only he knew how to sell them to his mother. She thought of him as a soft wuss of a man-child already. Clocks, pets and children would not make her think any differently about him. She would surely only accept plans involving the domination of mankind, in any shape or form.
It would be better for everyone if he just got to work in his lab now, and forgot about the whole branching out to other hobbies. He stepped into the closet, turned the left coathanger clockwise and wooshed through the tube to his secret layer. The minions were hard at work on his latest designs. Yet, today it didn't make him happy to see them all working so diligently.
Suddenly a light-bulb went on over his head. He had an idea! What if he sent his minions to find something acceptable to dominate? Something that would satisfy his hunger to do something new and fun, but could also be accepted by his mother being within the goals of world-domination.
“My minions! Gather round! I have a new mission for you today!”
Hundreds of little yellow pill-shaped creatures came running from all over the lab, squeaking excitedly.
“I need your help on a very special top-secret evil plan! Together we already have accomplished so much towards the goal of world-domination, only to be foiled time after time by our evil competitor Dr. MC!” He was proud to hear the minions squeaking indignantly at that.
“Yes, yes, I know. The road to world-domination hasn't been easy. My new very special top-secret evil plan is to downscale our plans some... Do not mistake this plan for giving up on the family business! Just... I thought of slightly downsizing it.” His voice growing softer towards the end of the sentence.
He then regained his optimistic composure. “My minions! I present you the plan: Find something fun to dominate - yet easy to execute within a certain time-span before the evil Dr. MC is able to foil it - that will make me and my mother equally happy.”
Lots of squeaking ensued.
One little minion stepped forward. He looked around before speaking: “Squeak squeak squeak squeak?”
“Yes, that would entitle you to leave the lab for me. Let's synchronize our watches: in 10 hours I expect each and everyone of you back here with great ideas!”
The minions left in what seemed to be one big yellow wave. Jensen sat down at his evil desk with a sigh: it would be a very difficult and grueling wait.
Ding! Dong!
The doorbell rang. Just what he needed: some distraction from his musings. Or maybe even better: a home-delivered plan for domination!
He rushed up the tube, stepped out of the closet to hurry to his front door. He opened to see a giant just turning to leave. Well, maybe not an actual giant, but compared to the minions he dealt with every day, he seemed so to Jensen.
“Ahum, yes?” Jensen asked to the back of the giant.
He turned on his feet with a surprised look.
“Ah, yes. I didn't think anyone was home, you were home that is. I am yada yada selling cookies yada yada build a shelter.”
Jensen lost track of what the giant said. He was hugely distracted by the enormously long hair, the colossal muscles of his upper-arms and the immense puppy-dog eyes.
“Sorry? Come again?”
“I am selling cookies to raise money so I can build a shelter for the homeless dogs.”
No, that wouldn't do as an alternative plan to world-domination at all! But Jensen really really loved dogs - as he did other small animals, hence his original plan for the petting zoo - so maybe he could be helpful to this hunk of a man.
The giant was looking at him questioningly.
But what would his mother say?
“No, I am not interested in your plan. Not at all. Go away.”
“But sir, these cookies are really good and the dogs really need a home. Don't you want to give them a home? Can I give you this brochure with my name and number on it, in case you change your mind?”
Jensen reluctantly took the brochure and slammed the door shut.
His heart was pounding in his throat. Why was his heart pounding so hard, when he wasn't even doing evil-doings?
On the brochure it said the giant's name was Jared. With a shrug he decided that his mind should not be on ridiculously good looking giants named Jared today.
He decided to lay down on the couch and take a nap.
In the evening the minions started to return to his underground laboratory. He noted their ideas on an ever growing list of things to dominate, that could plausibly - at least to his mother - lead to world-domination.
Domination of - list:
1. a country. I would have to choose a small one for starters, close to home. Mom would likely approve of this.
2. a sport. Some sport people are not that interested in, so I could have half a chance. Maybe extreme ironing? Not sure about mother though.
3. a dangerous animal. Where to buy one? How to ensure not loosing limbs? Mom's allergic to anything furry. Could also considered to be a +.
4. nature. Start a Japanese zen-garden. Could grow bonsai trees.
5. the economic market. Booooring!
6. the social media. Not my thing. Could minions be of help? Mom doesn't get this, so why bother?
7. death. Kind of depressing for a hobby. Would be an idea to practice on mother though...
He was kind of disappointed that he didn't get all excited by the prospect of dominating any of the items on the list. Then the last of the minions came over to him. He handed him a leaflet. It said: Club for sexual domination and submission.
He noted on his list:
8. a man. That sounds fun and interesting! Also in the lines of relationships...
Maybe this Jared fellow could be of use to him anyway! He could be so bold as to inquire if he would be interested in assisting him with his domination plan. And Jensen could in return help him with the dog-shelter. It seemed like a fun and useful thing to do.
He would start the domination of mankind one man at a time!
His mother would be so proud.
Next part...
Masterpost Supervillain!Verse
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please let me know what you think! This is my first fanfic ever.
So lots to learn, and confidence to build :)
Title: One Man At A Time (or A Day In The Life Of An Evil-Supervillain)
Word Count: ~1800
Pairing/Character: Evil!Jensen/ Cookie-selling!Jared, minions (and the mention of Evil!Misha)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: J2 AU
Summary: Jensen's mother wants him to dominate the world. He'll start with just one man at a time.
Warnings: Crack. Mis-use of the movie Despicable Me. And also, first-time writer here...
Disclaimer: No minions were harmed during the writing of this fic. If anyone thinks this is reality, I'd like to meet them! (and have them committed)
Note 1: Ashtraythief made me do it! She was also kind enough to beta this. Written for j2_crack.
Note 2: Masterpost Supervillain!Verse
One Man At A Time (or A Day In The Life Of An Evil-Supervillain)
It could get quite lonely being an evil super-villain, he pondered while he absently polished his antique skull-collection during breakfast. The benefits were not to be taken lightly: he had a roomy evil-looking mansion, a fast evil-looking car and lots of (not-so) evil-looking minions to assist him. But he had to put a lot into it as well... He had no time for friends or family - although his mother didn't seem to agree with him on this: she called him every day to check up on his evil-doings - and no time for hobbies, other than the pursuit of world-domination: the family business.
Ring! Ring!
The sound of the telephone abruptly ended his train of thought.
“Dr. Jackles speaking.” He knew it had to be his mother, but proper telephone manners were always in order.
“Hi Jensen honeybunny. How is my favorite evil genius doing today? What evil plans have you got lined up?”
She just had to ask this every day. And every day he would answer in the lines of: “I'm doing quite well, thank you. Right on schedule with the whole world-domination thing.”
“You make me so proud. You know what would make me even more proud?”
Yes, he knew what was coming next without actually listening to her words:
Yada yada relationship, yada yada marriage, yada yada...
“Actually mother, I was just wondering whether I would take up a hobby, you know, something to pursue other than what I've been working on for the better part of my life.”
“Oh sugerlump, you are? What ever were you thinking of? What would your father say if you just abandoned our dream of world domination? What if some other super-villain beats you to it? What if Dr. MC beat you to it?”
He heard his mother breathing heavily at the thought of this enormous shame. Maybe this would be the end of it, but no...
“Besides, I can't think of anything really, that you'd be good at, seeing that you've been working at taking over the world for roughly 25 years now? You have such specialized skills: stealing, designing contraptions, leading your minions. Whatever else would you do?”
To be honest, his thoughts hadn't wondered that far yet. His mother was probably right. It would be a waste of time and resources to stop now.
“Yes, mother, you are right as usual. I'll head off to my underground lab this minute. Talk to you later.”
“Bye loveydovey of mine.”
Maybe if he didn't defer too much from the whole master-plan, he could get away with it. He could steal all clocks in town, claiming to start with domination of time? And then he could secretly take up the hobby of clock restoration, before returning them to their grateful owners. Making lots of new friends while doing so.
Or he could design a giant pet-attraction ray that would lead lots of animals to his mansion, so he could start a petting zoo. He loved animals. Lots of people loved animals. They would come to his mansion and they could talk and pet and... He could tell his mother he was starting with dominating the smaller animals of the planet.
Or he could lead his tiny yellow minions to pre-schools to play with the children on the playgrounds, claiming to start with dominating the minds of the young. Teachers and parents would praise him on his selflessness.
All these plans made him happy- for a brief while, just thinking about them. If only he knew how to sell them to his mother. She thought of him as a soft wuss of a man-child already. Clocks, pets and children would not make her think any differently about him. She would surely only accept plans involving the domination of mankind, in any shape or form.
It would be better for everyone if he just got to work in his lab now, and forgot about the whole branching out to other hobbies. He stepped into the closet, turned the left coathanger clockwise and wooshed through the tube to his secret layer. The minions were hard at work on his latest designs. Yet, today it didn't make him happy to see them all working so diligently.
Suddenly a light-bulb went on over his head. He had an idea! What if he sent his minions to find something acceptable to dominate? Something that would satisfy his hunger to do something new and fun, but could also be accepted by his mother being within the goals of world-domination.
“My minions! Gather round! I have a new mission for you today!”
Hundreds of little yellow pill-shaped creatures came running from all over the lab, squeaking excitedly.
“I need your help on a very special top-secret evil plan! Together we already have accomplished so much towards the goal of world-domination, only to be foiled time after time by our evil competitor Dr. MC!” He was proud to hear the minions squeaking indignantly at that.
“Yes, yes, I know. The road to world-domination hasn't been easy. My new very special top-secret evil plan is to downscale our plans some... Do not mistake this plan for giving up on the family business! Just... I thought of slightly downsizing it.” His voice growing softer towards the end of the sentence.
He then regained his optimistic composure. “My minions! I present you the plan: Find something fun to dominate - yet easy to execute within a certain time-span before the evil Dr. MC is able to foil it - that will make me and my mother equally happy.”
Lots of squeaking ensued.
One little minion stepped forward. He looked around before speaking: “Squeak squeak squeak squeak?”
“Yes, that would entitle you to leave the lab for me. Let's synchronize our watches: in 10 hours I expect each and everyone of you back here with great ideas!”
The minions left in what seemed to be one big yellow wave. Jensen sat down at his evil desk with a sigh: it would be a very difficult and grueling wait.
Ding! Dong!
The doorbell rang. Just what he needed: some distraction from his musings. Or maybe even better: a home-delivered plan for domination!
He rushed up the tube, stepped out of the closet to hurry to his front door. He opened to see a giant just turning to leave. Well, maybe not an actual giant, but compared to the minions he dealt with every day, he seemed so to Jensen.
“Ahum, yes?” Jensen asked to the back of the giant.
He turned on his feet with a surprised look.
“Ah, yes. I didn't think anyone was home, you were home that is. I am yada yada selling cookies yada yada build a shelter.”
Jensen lost track of what the giant said. He was hugely distracted by the enormously long hair, the colossal muscles of his upper-arms and the immense puppy-dog eyes.
“Sorry? Come again?”
“I am selling cookies to raise money so I can build a shelter for the homeless dogs.”
No, that wouldn't do as an alternative plan to world-domination at all! But Jensen really really loved dogs - as he did other small animals, hence his original plan for the petting zoo - so maybe he could be helpful to this hunk of a man.
The giant was looking at him questioningly.
But what would his mother say?
“No, I am not interested in your plan. Not at all. Go away.”
“But sir, these cookies are really good and the dogs really need a home. Don't you want to give them a home? Can I give you this brochure with my name and number on it, in case you change your mind?”
Jensen reluctantly took the brochure and slammed the door shut.
His heart was pounding in his throat. Why was his heart pounding so hard, when he wasn't even doing evil-doings?
On the brochure it said the giant's name was Jared. With a shrug he decided that his mind should not be on ridiculously good looking giants named Jared today.
He decided to lay down on the couch and take a nap.
In the evening the minions started to return to his underground laboratory. He noted their ideas on an ever growing list of things to dominate, that could plausibly - at least to his mother - lead to world-domination.
Domination of - list:
1. a country. I would have to choose a small one for starters, close to home. Mom would likely approve of this.
2. a sport. Some sport people are not that interested in, so I could have half a chance. Maybe extreme ironing? Not sure about mother though.
3. a dangerous animal. Where to buy one? How to ensure not loosing limbs? Mom's allergic to anything furry. Could also considered to be a +.
4. nature. Start a Japanese zen-garden. Could grow bonsai trees.
5. the economic market. Booooring!
6. the social media. Not my thing. Could minions be of help? Mom doesn't get this, so why bother?
7. death. Kind of depressing for a hobby. Would be an idea to practice on mother though...
He was kind of disappointed that he didn't get all excited by the prospect of dominating any of the items on the list. Then the last of the minions came over to him. He handed him a leaflet. It said: Club for sexual domination and submission.
He noted on his list:
8. a man. That sounds fun and interesting! Also in the lines of relationships...
Maybe this Jared fellow could be of use to him anyway! He could be so bold as to inquire if he would be interested in assisting him with his domination plan. And Jensen could in return help him with the dog-shelter. It seemed like a fun and useful thing to do.
He would start the domination of mankind one man at a time!
His mother would be so proud.
Next part...
Masterpost Supervillain!Verse
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please let me know what you think! This is my first fanfic ever.
So lots to learn, and confidence to build :)