(no subject)
my mom is moving to a different house and she's going to be renting it. according to the rules set forth by the landlord she can only have 2 dogs. right now she has 4, and peaches belongs to mike and she'll be going back with him, and my mom and i agreed i would take duchess. well i took duchess and it just wasn't right for her. she got enough love, exercise, attention, and had enough downtime and all of that but it just wasn't a good fit. i really wanted her to live here but i knew it wasn't right. so my mom and i decided i would take tuxedo instead. we figured that'd be better because tuxedo is kind of a loner and we thought it'd be ok. i honestly failed to realize that tuxedo has literally never been legitimately alone (we got him and his sister cinnamon as a set) and allie and i came home and tuxedo was crying sooo much, and he had been crying and looking for the other dogs the whole time he had been here and it was hard to watch. he cried for a solid 5 minutes and allie said maybe he was waiting for my mom to come back and that was literally too much. i called my mom bawling because i felt awful for tuxedo because it wasn't fair for him to be here, and i love him soooo much, but that doesn't make it okay. i know he would have gotten used to being alone but i hate the idea of him having to get used to something so terrible. so my mom's solution was just to come pick him up and she's just gonna break the rules at her next house and have 3 dogs because she does what she wants. i'm still really upset, because even though it's going to work out, i still feel inadequate and like a failure but i guess i would rather have these feelings than watch tuxedo go through a process that's avoidable and unfair. i didn't expect him to come over on monday and i didn't expect this to happen. i didn't expect my mom to run over and pick him up. on top of all of this i feel really alone now that i don't have a dog around and i know allie's going to judge me for my poor handling of this situation. i don't remember being this upset over anything or calling anyone (even my mom) in tears because that's just not something i do. even though i get irritated a lot and i'm up front about my emotions i rarely let them govern how i handle a situation. i basically want to have my cake and eat it too. i miss duchess and tuxedo so much but it's not fair to them and even though i can give them a sufficient amount of love i really don't care to have the responsibility of a pet right now which makes me feel way guiltier because i know that factored into my verdict that decided this lifestyle was unfair to them. i called tomas because he's the most rational person i know and he told me i was being silly and that it worked out just fine because it did. but i'm still ridiculously upset and crying a bunch and drinking room temperature white tea didn't help. it also bums me out that i have this kind of connection to an animal but not to a person, because i guess an animal won't reject me. i want to cry more but i don't have anything else to cry about except my vague dissatisfaction with my life that is completely caused by my own doings.