we've all been pushed too far today
oh man. I do not know where to start.
Just got home from the funeral. not fun.
but somehow I came out of there feeling more angry than sad...
I had so many thoughts going through my head in the car and I wish I had had something to write them on then...now I've kind of lost some things but there are things I do want to say...just so I don't forget...
There were quite a few people there. It hadn't quite hit me until I saw Mr. Harry in tears and Uncle Sotiri and Aunty Lucy. And then there was a board in the front with pictures of Mrs. Anna on it and all I was remembering was them laughing in Nanny's living room and her sitting there knitting in Nanny's chair and her asking me if I had a boyfriend...and laughing...and spewing greek at each other and hearing them from nextdoor. Even though she wasn't thaaat close...I still know she was a lovely person...When I first heard she died, I think I was a little happy for her...just cause she was always so sick...although she never seemed it whenever I saw her...what made me most upset was seeing Mr. Harry so upset. It was so disheartening...and yet he was still cracking jokes and complimenting me on how "sophisticated" I looked cause I was wearing glasses. When my mum told me she died, I asked how Mr. Harry was doing and she said that nanny gives him 6 months; she doesn't think he'll last without her. And I thought she meant just because of everyday things, like taking care of him, cooking, pills, things like that...but she meant because they were so in love. My mum said "you don't think of old people as being in love, but they become your life...they're a part of you...". It was so sad seeing him just thinking of that.
The funeral was pretty short actually. I thought it would have been longer. The greek priest was an idiot and wouldn't do the service unless it was at the greek church so they just got some United Church minister to come and do it. He was alright. Basically all he talked about was God and "the Lord" and how we will never understand their love and all this. I think he mentioned Mrs. Anna once. I found that kind of wrong...I didn't like that. I mean yeah, maybe the purpose was to try and reassure the family that she was in a happier place, but still...it wasn't very good. There should've been more remembering Mrs. Anna. Uncle Sotiri (her son) got up to talk about her and surprisingly got through the whole thing. That was definitely the part where I started crying. And the thing is there were so many things going through my head during that service. I mean, I was remembering her and I was hoping that Mr. Harry would be alright, but there was so much more...Aunty Ann and Uncle Mark were sitting two rows in front and all I could do was glare at them and hate them and wonder what we'd say at their funeral. I probably shouldn't have been thinking that, but really...the things Uncle sotiri was praising Mrs. Anna for: being a good mother, mother-in-law, wife and grandmother...I couldn't say those things about my aunt. And could her family? And then I was thinking about forgiveness. not in the religious sense, believe me. I was getting angry at them because I couldn't believe how they could know that we all live and we all die, and how could they go on living on horrible terms with their family when they know they'll go at some point? How can they be so ungrateful and unforgiving? Or even if they didn't admit that they were wrong, or that we were wrong or anything...even if they just said, "wow this is really ridiculous and life is short and we're all hurting each other, let's just forget about it"...I'd be satisfied.
Maybe it was selfish to be thinking all of these things, but I couldn't help it...it just all came up and I couldn't stop it. I guess these things happen to teach us something as always. To make us stronger...to change us in some way...I was more grateful than ever for everyone...for life. I promised myself I would just take what life gives me, I won't dwell on little things anymore because there's so much more...and I won't take anything for granted...god I made so many promises to myself...it was hopeful as well I think...
I think I got most angry during the reception at the end. There was a man there who knew my grandpa a long time ago and Nanny had told him the other day that he wasn't well. So this man (his name was Nick of course...probably the only funny thing the whole time..."this is nick, and nick and nick, and this is Nikki" haha oh dear...) he went up to Aunty Ann and was saying "sorry to hear about your father" and she was talking to him about Pappou as if it was the hardest thing in her life and as if she knew so much about him and how he was doing. I felt like walking up to him and being like "you know she actually doesn't give a shit about her family and goes up to see him about twice a year, or when it's convenient for her". That probably wouldn't have gone over well, but I had to walk far away from them because I just couldn't handle seeing Nanny so upset because her friend had died, and she was most obviously thinking about her husband and how much it's hurting her, and then looking over and seeing aunty ann playing the concerned daughter. It sickened me. My guts were reeling.
I really wanted to blow up at her. I came so close. well...in my head anyways.
Why is it so hard for us to forgive people? so hard to admit we're wrong? Or to just brush things aside and admit we have all said hurtful things and made mistakes in our lives? I mean it's never too late right? I guess it's harder when you're older because as time goes on, you lose sight of why things turned out the way they did, and why you felt as horribly about someone as you did. All you're left with is the memory of how it made you feel and even that you can't be sure of because even that grows and distorts with time. I've really considered just writing to her...not a nasty letter or anything like that...but I wish I knew some way to make her realize the hurt this is causing because I really don't think she does. I think she's just happy with her own little world of the three boys and her Trading Spaces rooms. I hate to think that though...I can't understand it...I'll never understand her. I think she's a prime example of life long grudges taking her over. she really is. It's become who she is and what she thinks and how she sees things. She's a complete mystery to me. I mean all I could do in that church was hug my mother and my grandmother especially because even though I thought and wrote and felt some pretty hurtful things towards them in my childhood, I've outgrown it...I may still not understand it...but I know they love me...and I know I could never not love them...so I've forgiven and forgotten...because it's just the way things come to you...but that's so hard to accept sometimes, I know.
God, death is so crazy (haha what a statement...). I was realizing that I'd never really thought about it before until today. like reeally given thought to it. And I think it's because someone close to me has never died. I haven't had to experience loss like that. But today I thought about how I'll feel when that starts happening to me...and I couldn't handle it. Maybe that's what made me cry more...maybe I was getting a little self-torturous in that service. But really. I am swearing right now to myself not to let a day go by when I don't go up to see Nanny and Pappou. Even if it's for two minutes. It won't kill me, and I love them. And I know lately there have been way too many times when I haven't gone to see pappou because I just can't handle it. Each time I gain new respect for my grandmother. I know exactly what I'd say for her. Maybe this is a kind of sick and depressing thing for me to be thinking of...but I was thinking about what I'd want to say about everyone I love, if I get the chance. I mean ideally I'd like to go before all of them so that I dont' have to go through what I witnessed today, but that might be a little unrealistic. So I was thinking about what I'd say about them and the good things really outweigh the bad. I have amazing amazing people in my life. And I feel amazing knowing that I love them and knowing (or hoping) that they love me just as much. And I was wondering why we don't tell people these things while they're alive. I mean I guess I believe that when people die they watch over you, but still...sometimes things just need saying while they're still here...just to be sure. Maybe we just assume that they know we love them and there are certain things included in that love. But I think I'd like to tell the people I love just how much I love them and why and how they've affected me. I don't know...
I was also thinking about my funeral and what I want and don't want. Believe it or not, in the car I was actually thinking of songs I'd want played at mine...I'm sure you can guess most of them were Tori. In philosophy we had talked about what we'd want our funeral to be like. I didn't know whether I'd want celebrations or just the traditional one like today. I now know I do NOT want one like today. I mean I think it would be hard not to mourn...i'd definitely want time for that...but I want people to celebrate my life not mourn the loss of it...does that sound cocky? I don't mean everyone will be jumping for joy cause they loved me during life, I'm not saying everyone loves me...haha not at all. But you know. I just want everyone to party. I'd want things they remember about me and I'd want comedy and laughter...not all the sniffles and praying...once I'm dead there's no praying you can do for my soul...I'm already at the gates dearies haha. But seriously! I want people to smile. everyday. And that shouldn't change when I die. Okay I'm getting a little morbid, so I'll stop.
Sorry for this crazy long post...maybe I'll cut it or something...I just felt I had to write these thoughts down and this is so much easier than that pen thing (haha).
If you read this, that's one of the many reasons I love you. I don't really know what to do with the rest of my day...I really want to make use of it though. I have homework to do, but I just can't right now. It's Pappou's birthday so maybe I will go and visit him. I think I also need to pay a visit to someone I may seem to take for granted but always think about and am always thankful for...
I hope everyone is having a good day. I love you guys.
Just got home from the funeral. not fun.
but somehow I came out of there feeling more angry than sad...
I had so many thoughts going through my head in the car and I wish I had had something to write them on then...now I've kind of lost some things but there are things I do want to say...just so I don't forget...
There were quite a few people there. It hadn't quite hit me until I saw Mr. Harry in tears and Uncle Sotiri and Aunty Lucy. And then there was a board in the front with pictures of Mrs. Anna on it and all I was remembering was them laughing in Nanny's living room and her sitting there knitting in Nanny's chair and her asking me if I had a boyfriend...and laughing...and spewing greek at each other and hearing them from nextdoor. Even though she wasn't thaaat close...I still know she was a lovely person...When I first heard she died, I think I was a little happy for her...just cause she was always so sick...although she never seemed it whenever I saw her...what made me most upset was seeing Mr. Harry so upset. It was so disheartening...and yet he was still cracking jokes and complimenting me on how "sophisticated" I looked cause I was wearing glasses. When my mum told me she died, I asked how Mr. Harry was doing and she said that nanny gives him 6 months; she doesn't think he'll last without her. And I thought she meant just because of everyday things, like taking care of him, cooking, pills, things like that...but she meant because they were so in love. My mum said "you don't think of old people as being in love, but they become your life...they're a part of you...". It was so sad seeing him just thinking of that.
The funeral was pretty short actually. I thought it would have been longer. The greek priest was an idiot and wouldn't do the service unless it was at the greek church so they just got some United Church minister to come and do it. He was alright. Basically all he talked about was God and "the Lord" and how we will never understand their love and all this. I think he mentioned Mrs. Anna once. I found that kind of wrong...I didn't like that. I mean yeah, maybe the purpose was to try and reassure the family that she was in a happier place, but still...it wasn't very good. There should've been more remembering Mrs. Anna. Uncle Sotiri (her son) got up to talk about her and surprisingly got through the whole thing. That was definitely the part where I started crying. And the thing is there were so many things going through my head during that service. I mean, I was remembering her and I was hoping that Mr. Harry would be alright, but there was so much more...Aunty Ann and Uncle Mark were sitting two rows in front and all I could do was glare at them and hate them and wonder what we'd say at their funeral. I probably shouldn't have been thinking that, but really...the things Uncle sotiri was praising Mrs. Anna for: being a good mother, mother-in-law, wife and grandmother...I couldn't say those things about my aunt. And could her family? And then I was thinking about forgiveness. not in the religious sense, believe me. I was getting angry at them because I couldn't believe how they could know that we all live and we all die, and how could they go on living on horrible terms with their family when they know they'll go at some point? How can they be so ungrateful and unforgiving? Or even if they didn't admit that they were wrong, or that we were wrong or anything...even if they just said, "wow this is really ridiculous and life is short and we're all hurting each other, let's just forget about it"...I'd be satisfied.
Maybe it was selfish to be thinking all of these things, but I couldn't help it...it just all came up and I couldn't stop it. I guess these things happen to teach us something as always. To make us stronger...to change us in some way...I was more grateful than ever for everyone...for life. I promised myself I would just take what life gives me, I won't dwell on little things anymore because there's so much more...and I won't take anything for granted...god I made so many promises to myself...it was hopeful as well I think...
I think I got most angry during the reception at the end. There was a man there who knew my grandpa a long time ago and Nanny had told him the other day that he wasn't well. So this man (his name was Nick of course...probably the only funny thing the whole time..."this is nick, and nick and nick, and this is Nikki" haha oh dear...) he went up to Aunty Ann and was saying "sorry to hear about your father" and she was talking to him about Pappou as if it was the hardest thing in her life and as if she knew so much about him and how he was doing. I felt like walking up to him and being like "you know she actually doesn't give a shit about her family and goes up to see him about twice a year, or when it's convenient for her". That probably wouldn't have gone over well, but I had to walk far away from them because I just couldn't handle seeing Nanny so upset because her friend had died, and she was most obviously thinking about her husband and how much it's hurting her, and then looking over and seeing aunty ann playing the concerned daughter. It sickened me. My guts were reeling.
I really wanted to blow up at her. I came so close. well...in my head anyways.
Why is it so hard for us to forgive people? so hard to admit we're wrong? Or to just brush things aside and admit we have all said hurtful things and made mistakes in our lives? I mean it's never too late right? I guess it's harder when you're older because as time goes on, you lose sight of why things turned out the way they did, and why you felt as horribly about someone as you did. All you're left with is the memory of how it made you feel and even that you can't be sure of because even that grows and distorts with time. I've really considered just writing to her...not a nasty letter or anything like that...but I wish I knew some way to make her realize the hurt this is causing because I really don't think she does. I think she's just happy with her own little world of the three boys and her Trading Spaces rooms. I hate to think that though...I can't understand it...I'll never understand her. I think she's a prime example of life long grudges taking her over. she really is. It's become who she is and what she thinks and how she sees things. She's a complete mystery to me. I mean all I could do in that church was hug my mother and my grandmother especially because even though I thought and wrote and felt some pretty hurtful things towards them in my childhood, I've outgrown it...I may still not understand it...but I know they love me...and I know I could never not love them...so I've forgiven and forgotten...because it's just the way things come to you...but that's so hard to accept sometimes, I know.
God, death is so crazy (haha what a statement...). I was realizing that I'd never really thought about it before until today. like reeally given thought to it. And I think it's because someone close to me has never died. I haven't had to experience loss like that. But today I thought about how I'll feel when that starts happening to me...and I couldn't handle it. Maybe that's what made me cry more...maybe I was getting a little self-torturous in that service. But really. I am swearing right now to myself not to let a day go by when I don't go up to see Nanny and Pappou. Even if it's for two minutes. It won't kill me, and I love them. And I know lately there have been way too many times when I haven't gone to see pappou because I just can't handle it. Each time I gain new respect for my grandmother. I know exactly what I'd say for her. Maybe this is a kind of sick and depressing thing for me to be thinking of...but I was thinking about what I'd want to say about everyone I love, if I get the chance. I mean ideally I'd like to go before all of them so that I dont' have to go through what I witnessed today, but that might be a little unrealistic. So I was thinking about what I'd say about them and the good things really outweigh the bad. I have amazing amazing people in my life. And I feel amazing knowing that I love them and knowing (or hoping) that they love me just as much. And I was wondering why we don't tell people these things while they're alive. I mean I guess I believe that when people die they watch over you, but still...sometimes things just need saying while they're still here...just to be sure. Maybe we just assume that they know we love them and there are certain things included in that love. But I think I'd like to tell the people I love just how much I love them and why and how they've affected me. I don't know...
I was also thinking about my funeral and what I want and don't want. Believe it or not, in the car I was actually thinking of songs I'd want played at mine...I'm sure you can guess most of them were Tori. In philosophy we had talked about what we'd want our funeral to be like. I didn't know whether I'd want celebrations or just the traditional one like today. I now know I do NOT want one like today. I mean I think it would be hard not to mourn...i'd definitely want time for that...but I want people to celebrate my life not mourn the loss of it...does that sound cocky? I don't mean everyone will be jumping for joy cause they loved me during life, I'm not saying everyone loves me...haha not at all. But you know. I just want everyone to party. I'd want things they remember about me and I'd want comedy and laughter...not all the sniffles and praying...once I'm dead there's no praying you can do for my soul...I'm already at the gates dearies haha. But seriously! I want people to smile. everyday. And that shouldn't change when I die. Okay I'm getting a little morbid, so I'll stop.
Sorry for this crazy long post...maybe I'll cut it or something...I just felt I had to write these thoughts down and this is so much easier than that pen thing (haha).
If you read this, that's one of the many reasons I love you. I don't really know what to do with the rest of my day...I really want to make use of it though. I have homework to do, but I just can't right now. It's Pappou's birthday so maybe I will go and visit him. I think I also need to pay a visit to someone I may seem to take for granted but always think about and am always thankful for...
I hope everyone is having a good day. I love you guys.