Did I mention I have ugly bangs?
How To Be A Gangsta (In 5 Simple Steps)
1. You have to master the swagger of your typical homie. Watch MTV for inspiration, then imitate the ridiculous walk of your favourite rap star.If you find yourself having difficulties, visualize yourself with a massive case of hemmorhoids, and/or a pickle shoved up your ass. A big pickle.
Checklist:
- Are your feet wider apart than your shoulders?
- Do you have a decided backwards slant to your torso?
- Do your knuckles hit the back of your calves?
If so, you can continue.
2. Language is very important. When attempting to fit in with the rap community, you must forget everything you have learned about the English language and how to speak it properly. It helps if you have some sort of speech impediment, preferably one which makes you sound like you have a mouth full of oatmeal at any given point. Remember, contractions are your new god. Practice at home, at the bus station, at school; anywhere you can.
Translation guide:
yo'ma'ma = A derogatory term, used to insult your mother. (Note: this is supposed to incense you.)
word, y'all = Something roughly equivalent to hello.
Variations on this are many: what'up ho'mes; word to yo'ma'ma; yo y'all (pl. y'allz); what'up; what'da word from'da 'hood; and others.
you best be steppin' = You should leave, before the speaker decides to hurt you.
I'm a gon'open a can of whoop'ass on y'all = I will beat you up.
watch'or mouf, man = It would probably be a wise idea, when this is heard, to shut up.
mofo = Motherfucker, in the new hip short talk.
I gots ta bounce = Roughly equivalent to goodbye.
cruisin' = walking about aimlessly, shoving each other into old people and laughing uproariously, whilst calling each other mofos.
Checklist:
- Do you use four-letter words within 30 seconds of each other?
- Can you drop a syllable off of every word without thinking about it?
- Can you omit words such as "of" and "to" with ease?
- Would you be unintelligible to your aunts or uncles?
If not, you'd better practice a little more.
3. You'll have to acquire a g' name. 2-Pac is a popular one, as is Biggie. (For more information, see "people" section below.) Or, there's always shortening your name to the first letter of your first name, then adding an adjective. For example, there's Lil' J, or Big R. You can also go with just the adjective: Slim, Shorty, etc. You'll fit right in.
Checklist:
- Does your name sound stupid?
Well, since this is the only evident requirement, on we go.
4. You'll need to be hip to the rap gurus of the moment. A commonly idolized rapper, 2-Pac, was shot some time ago. In the "softcore" rap crowd, Ma$e and Puff Daddy are really cool. Busta Rhymes, Lil' Kim, Biggie Smalls (also dead), Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre are also cult favourites. Feel free to mix 'n' match at will.
With the celebrities, come the "sides". There's Westside and Eastside. They have nothing to do with where you are on a map. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely, whilst shouting "Wess'ide, man..Wess'ide!" This will go over big. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W upside down, in the shape of an M. One will shout "Yo'mofos! Eass'ide rules!" or something of that ilk. Make sure, before you attempt the hand signs, that you're with a group of the same patriotism, or else you'll get a can of whoop'ass opened on you. Y'all, rather.
Checklist:
- Can you name the past five rap stars to have gotten shot?
- Can you wave your hands about with sufficient fury to give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome?
- Are you scared of your own idiocy?
Let's hope so. These are crucial before moving on to the last section.
5. G' clothing is rather simple.
For pants, all you need to do is cruise the local mall until you find a really fat person. Check out the waist size on his jeans, then head to the nearest store playing rap music to buy a matching pair. They must also be long. You'll know you've made a good buy when you have three yards of fabric bunched about your ankles. You must wear them low-slung as well. The prerequisite, an assumed few pairs of cool boxer shorts, should be mostly hanging out. But to complete your lower half, you must own a stylin' belt. The purpose of this belt is not altogether clear, save for it holds your pants firmly against your upper thighs and restricts movement, making the rap strut easier. Trust me.
As for what kind of pants to wear, army pants (in any, and all, colours), jeans, tearaways and cargo pants will all do nicely.
On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colours that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress. Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater.
Jackets are easy. All you need is something that's shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo's environmental surroundings.
For shoes, again, Nikes and Fubus are the best. Reeboks and Adidases are fine for the beginning g'. They have to have cost at least $150, and be shiny and bright. You might as well forget how to tie knots, because the gangsta who ties his shoes up, gets beat up. You can accessorize with one of those key chain straps (the ones that circle your neck) that seem to be all the rage. It must say Fubu on it, of course.
A hat is good, as long as it's got one of the previously-mentioned trade names on it. Turn the hat sideways for extra respect. That's spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You can always go with a handkerchief as well, with the hat or alone. Snoop Doggy Dogg wears one, if you need celebrity reinforcement.
Checklist:
- Could you put on 200+ pounds and not have it be noticed while dressed?
- Could you fit your entire family into one single pantleg?
- When you walk, are you perpetually close to tripping/falling over?
- Is your shirt long enough to cover someone seven feet tall?
It appears, with the above questions answered affirmatively, that you've completed the tutorial and are now a fledgeling gangsta, prepared for the wide world of rap.
Happy g'ing!