Just a rant
Hi, it's me. LOL.
I didn't update my lj for a long time, and here I am. Not for sth important though, just wanted to write what inside my head lately.
"I think I lost my interest in this fandom even just a bit now..."
Finally I'm able to said this lol. Yeah, this fandom, all these fangirling things. (but I'm sorry if maybe tomorrow our even an hour later jump has live program, and I spam ur tl, I'm really sorry lol). I don't know.. I just don't feel anything now. I just lurking around twitter, see Jump's pics, retweet/like it, smile a bit, and close it in few minutes.
Maybe it happens just because I didn't see the boys live for months, or maybe I'm just getting older so it's natural? Please tell me it is the reason lol.
And I'm not really sure though, maybe ryosuke's dating rumor is also take a part in my mixed feelings lol. There's two types of fans for me. Those who love their idols in a romantic way, and those who love their idols like their son. Me? Ofc the first one. So, I'm not gonna lie, I was sad to the bottom of my heart. (thanks to this rumor, ytd I accidentally saw ryosuke's kiss scene and I feel NOTHING). Nothing, it makes me scared somehow, does my love for ryosuke is just like this hahaha. I feel sorry towards ryosuke, to have me as his fan. I'm sorry I'll try my best to be happy for you too, Ryosuke. You're my happiness, that's true. But as expected it hurts. It makes me not be able to fangirling like I used to be. I just can't say, my love, my prince, or my my~ knowing that he's now belonging to someone's else😂 (lol since when did I own him though haha). Please just ignore this part.
I really hope ryosuke is an ignorant person lol, I hope he didn't always make clarification regarding his rumors in the past. Because when he didn't, I just can't help to not believe it. I always believe in him though, even if he didn't say anything. But now, everything seems hard. I don't blame him, I just hate my Own way of thinking.
The thing that I hate most is, when I finally able to take a step forward, I'm planning to go to Jump's concert, and now I feel this way. Hate it. But nevermind, maybe I'll return to crazy fangirl like I used to be after I watch their con lol. (at very least, that's what I hope though). But still ~ I want to love Jump as much as I can. So I could enjoy it at the max level lol. Of course I'm still looking forward to my plan though, but it just... Idk how to put how I feel into words lol.
But inside my heart, tbvh I don't want this, I feel something is missing from my life lol. I didn't realize jump already has this much influence in my life. Let's see the good side, I can finally be more serious about my life. But still, I miss how I used to be, fangirling happily ~ now I feel nothing. I became more introvert without realizing it.
Really, what should I do. I want to watch bunch of Jump videos but I'm just too lazy to start hahaha. (I find kdrama is more interesting now lol). I haven't finished Tokyo Alien bros, and still don't find any mood to watch suits. I'm sorryyyy my dear blues!! I'll catch up soon!! Promise lol.
Besides, lately my work becomes more and more harder mentally, I really need jump. Don't have something to love is kinda lonely. And I'm too lazy to have any relationship at least for now. Still not ready yet for making any commitment.
And regarding with the fandom, I wish it could back to normal. Why so noisy nowadays, don't fight about otp please it's 2018 already. Everyday I always see otp wars, rude words. I support any otps though, so I don't really understand those who fight over it but it just doesn't feel right. And pls don't blame each other, Japanese fans to international fans and vice versa. Can't we just fangirling happily.
And not forget to mention many things happened to Johnny's this year. It's really bad year. Many scandals, member withdrawal. And my baby keito isn't here anymore. But he does have a vision, but I miss him. Jump doesn't feel complete without him, and it doesn't feel the same. 2 years are so long, many things can happen in two years. It can be happy ending and bad ending. I don't want to think any bad thing, but I'm not gonna lie, tbh I'm afraid. But I'll stay positive as much as I can. Will be waiting for keito, and wishing his success in the future, always.
Pls dont hate me, i didnt mean bad things, but its up to you though. LoL
That's all, sorry I feel gloomy tonight lol. I don't usually share it though, all this time I only save it in my internal memory. But since this is fandom related, I think it's ok to put it in there.