[The Horizon] A. Leigh Huxley column, the week following the incident in Ink Noir.
It's All Ian Fleming's Fault
by A. Leigh Huxley
With all the sorrow, misfortune, anger, and angst that we face in our daily lives, all too often we find ourselves asking the question: Why? Why did this happen to me? At long last, however, you have an answer, one on which you can rely, and turn to when life is at its darkest: It's all Ian Fleming's fault.
This nefarious Englishman who has managed to win so many adulations for his charitable works is a sham! We at The Horizon have investigated this thoroughly*, and have discovered his true scheme, his real ulterior motive, and his plans for world destruction and domination.
His heinous plans began when he was not even conceived -- the first of his horrible plans began over two millennia ago, when the essence of Ian-ness whispered into the ear of a Roman magistrate, 'Say, that Jesus fellow's getting a bit uppity, isn't he? People are running about calling him the Son of God, that won't do at all. Nail him up, would you? There's a lad.' It was not too terribly much longer, on the geological scale, that he began, in his omnipotent un-ness, to sow the seeds of strife in the Middle East by driving thousands to follow the words of the Prophet Mohammed, thereby creating a holy land war that would last to the present day and likely, into perpetuity. Why did he do it? Foresight, my friends, foresight. He knew the Age of Industry would come, and that crude oil would have value like diamonds, someday. He did it so that he might drive up gas prices!
That is to speak not at all of the pernicious way he forced along the Age of Industry by whispering into the ears of the creative geniuses who gave us modern inventions like the motor car, and thereby drove up demand for his own monopoly of natural resource, knowing full well that this use of his devilish crude oil would cause global warming! Yes, Mother Earth herself has been wickedly despoiled by this loathsome force known as Ian Fleming.
But no, that was not enough! He was merely an egg nestled peacefully in his mother's ovary when he began the plan for the next stage of his calamitous intentions for the world, when his ova-self whispered into the ear of a particularly nasty strain of virus, 'You know, lad, you might want to mutate, Survival of the fittest and all that, eh wot? Make yourself bigger and badder, kill lots and lots of people, and Bob's yer uncle!' And thus was born HIV, the virus with a single-minded intent to kill everything it infested and pass itself along to ensure survival through sheer numbers. Just to be sure of the survival of his newest legions, he engineered the social imperative toward risky sex and rampant drug use that allowed the billions of soldierly HIV minions to do his bidding!
Yes! There's more! Once he was actually born, his whispers could be heard by sane and rational people as well as the random lunatics and other things he'd been controlling until then. Nothing could stop Ian Fleming now! As a babe in arms, he engineered the events that led to the destruction of the Berlin Wall, and the crumbling of the Soviet Union into its component nations. In 1989, when Master Fleming was barely above knee-high to the grown man he's become, he was behind the many revolutions in Soviet satellite states that made them independent of Russia. In this way, he was able to spread more misery into Eastern Europe, because most of them didn't have the widespread access to the other forms of misery he'd already created one could find in other parts of the world. Our Little Ickle Bickle Ian Fleming, that beastly little monster, caused by this means the many forms of ethnic cleansing, rape, barbarism and murder that erupted in these satellite states during the upheaval.
I needn't go into too much more detail here, because I think his malignant plans are well-established, but I can tell you these facts we have gathered:
- 9-11? Ian was playing with a radio plane toy that day on the back patio of his parents' home. Suspicious.
- The Taliban camps in Afghanistan? Ian Fleming, again. He got bored with hearing about Iraq in the papers and decided to spend his allowance on making another country suffer.
- Murdered abortion doctors? Well, of course, otherwise he couldn't hold a monopoly over women's bodies, so they would all be forced to join his worldwide harem, currently containing numbers on the close order of the US military's numbers of deployed active troops.
- Gay marriage rights overturned? Of course, those lesbians are HIS, damnit.
Unfortunately, Ian got a bit lazy this past year, and didn't bother to do much 'round the US elections. He figured that McCain would be a shoo-in after the ten billion dollars he contributed from his petty cash to the man's war chest. So, there is one thing that isn't Ian Fleming's fault: President Obama.
The rest, though? All his fault.
*Note from above: We sent a freshman trainee who was flunking out of Journalism 101 to gather rumors.
About the author:
A. Leigh Huxley is a junior majoring in Philosophy and Classics, and she desperately hopes that fans of this column will help protect her from the wrath of Ian Fleming.