This was really beautifully written. And the twist at the end was heart-tugging.
“Leah, answer me. Do you or do you not idealize every waking thought that find passage into your head?”
This sentence felt a bit awkward. It might be me or the way it was structured, but I had to read it several times to get it in my head what he was trying to say. But I get it. ^^;;
Leah closed her eyes, anticipating a kiss, but instead he spoke.
“You shouldn’t have come.”
Minor grammar error says there should be a colon after 'he spoke:'
I think that's it~? Really well written. I liked it a lot.
Eek yes, I remember writing that and wondering exactly how to word it. I figured I'd go back and change it but I never did! Haha. & thanks for the small grammar correction, should have caught that while writing.
(Followed you here from fictionwriters!) You really have a way of tugging on the heartstrings!
When I first read it I thought maybe Leah had imagined Danny all along, but of course as I read on I was proven wrong. The story is very nicely written. You do a nice job of weaving a melancholy feeling throughout the piece; I think the twist at the end leaves it open just enough so that people can leave it up to their own interpretations. One can decide to see the story as sad or bittersweet (I choose bittersweet).
I'd also have to say there's slight awkwardness about the line "Leah, answer me. Do you or do you not idealize every waking thought that finds passage into your head?"
I like where you're going with it, but I feel a slight change could make it stronger. Unfortunately I can't find any alternatives, so now I feel bad for picking it out.
Another thing I loved was that this time Danny's hands are cold and clammy. It's a great use of foreshadow.
Thank you! I've read over the story and it does seem awkward at that one part. I'll try to change it. Maybe something simple like, "Are you still an idealist?" I honestly don't know what I was thinking when writing it. Haha.
I'm a big fan of foreshadow, btw. Too much Stephen King. XD;
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This was really beautifully written. And the twist at the end was heart-tugging.
“Leah, answer me. Do you or do you not idealize every waking thought that find passage into your head?”
This sentence felt a bit awkward. It might be me or the way it was structured, but I had to read it several times to get it in my head what he was trying to say. But I get it. ^^;;
Leah closed her eyes, anticipating a kiss, but instead he spoke.
“You shouldn’t have come.”
Minor grammar error says there should be a colon after 'he spoke:'
I think that's it~? Really well written. I liked it a lot.
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Thanks for reading & feedback~ <333
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You have a way that speaks volume of the characters' sadness. I enjoyed reading this.
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Thank you!
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But it's really up to you :)
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i'll continue this when i go on vacation. may have some sort of plot by that time ~~
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When I first read it I thought maybe Leah had imagined Danny all along, but of course as I read on I was proven wrong. The story is very nicely written. You do a nice job of weaving a melancholy feeling throughout the piece; I think the twist at the end leaves it open just enough so that people can leave it up to their own interpretations. One can decide to see the story as sad or bittersweet (I choose bittersweet).
I'd also have to say there's slight awkwardness about the line "Leah, answer me. Do you or do you not idealize every waking thought that finds passage into your head?"
I like where you're going with it, but I feel a slight change could make it stronger. Unfortunately I can't find any alternatives, so now I feel bad for picking it out.
Another thing I loved was that this time Danny's hands are cold and clammy. It's a great use of foreshadow.
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I'm a big fan of foreshadow, btw. Too much Stephen King. XD;
Thanks for the big comment; you made my day!
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