I hate being fat.. and what I am doing about it.
I woke up Sunday morning knowing that I was going to lose weight starting that moment. No, I had not planned it out; I woke up and decided it that moment. I am tired of everything to with this fat body: hurting when I sleep more than a few hours, having to roll onto my side to sit up, taking a deep breath when I bend over to tie my shoes (thank goodness I can still do that one!), feeling unattractive, "knowing" that when a male looks at me he is looking because I am fat not because I am pretty, knowing that I have become one of those women who "has a pretty face" because the rest of me is disgusting, knowing that I might not be so tired if I wasn't so fat, using the fatness as an excuse for not exercising, and hating the ways sex doesn't feel because so much of me is buried in the fat.
The decision was really that simple. Yes, I know how to lose weight. I know so much about weight loss and weight control and how to be/live healthy that it should boggle everyone's mind that I am fat. I am fat for one simple reason: I eat too much. It doesn't matter what it is, junk or not junk. I won't say healthy because eating so much of anything isn't healthy regardless of what it is. I eat almost every emotion I experience: anger, stress, sadness, happiness (in celebration). I binge in a most unglorious manner. The efficient way I plan a binge is shameful. Not only that, but I have become quite the pro at hiding the food that I buy until the moment I sit to consume it all. I decided that I would use that same talent to my benefit.
After I managed to painfully get out of my bed and take some ibuprofen, I took stock of my breakfast options and prepared one suitable to my decision: measured quantity of cereal with a measured quantity of milk. This was all we had in the house since I had not been to the store yet and I buy only EXACTLY what I need for a week of meal preparation. I then sat down at the computer to research tools available online for free; I wasn't about to let financially difficulty step in the way. I found SparkPeople.com (I hate to sound like a commercial for them, but if you are interested in meal plans and a way to monitor your intake with recipes, exercise guides, message boards, support groups for FREE, check them out) and was soon looking through recipes for things that *I* wanted to eat. My family, I had decided, was going to support me in this by eating what I ate. So, I had to find food that was appropriate for my needs, appetizing, and affordable. Sometime after lunch (a measured peanut butter and jelly sandwich), I was ready.
After an exhausting trip to Wal-Mart, I arrived home just in time to start my first meal. It went well; even my picky daughter liked it. Brad is a bit upset; he only likes a limited menu and none of this is on it. He acknowledges he needs to lose some weight as well but he isn't interested in what I am doing. He feels like I should not make the menu something that he won't eat despite all his previous declarations that I should do what I needed and he would take care of himself. I went to bed upset with him but overall encouraged. I had a good first day.
Now, I just need to figure out when my day ends and when it begins. I get two sleep periods per 24-hours for 2-3 hours each (one for 2, and maybe the second one will be 3) when I work since I work nights. I've temporarily settled on when I either leave work (the nights I work) or wake up (the nights I am off). I also need to better organize my eating times. It's a long shift with no snacks to break it up and not having anything to eat on plan will make the snack machine too tempting. I'm already assuming that the nights I work will most likely be 1500 cal days and off nights will be 1200. Of course, salad is the least intrusive calorically on all of this if I choose my dressing wisely and/or an all veggie soup (weight watchers recipe!).
The decision was really that simple. Yes, I know how to lose weight. I know so much about weight loss and weight control and how to be/live healthy that it should boggle everyone's mind that I am fat. I am fat for one simple reason: I eat too much. It doesn't matter what it is, junk or not junk. I won't say healthy because eating so much of anything isn't healthy regardless of what it is. I eat almost every emotion I experience: anger, stress, sadness, happiness (in celebration). I binge in a most unglorious manner. The efficient way I plan a binge is shameful. Not only that, but I have become quite the pro at hiding the food that I buy until the moment I sit to consume it all. I decided that I would use that same talent to my benefit.
After I managed to painfully get out of my bed and take some ibuprofen, I took stock of my breakfast options and prepared one suitable to my decision: measured quantity of cereal with a measured quantity of milk. This was all we had in the house since I had not been to the store yet and I buy only EXACTLY what I need for a week of meal preparation. I then sat down at the computer to research tools available online for free; I wasn't about to let financially difficulty step in the way. I found SparkPeople.com (I hate to sound like a commercial for them, but if you are interested in meal plans and a way to monitor your intake with recipes, exercise guides, message boards, support groups for FREE, check them out) and was soon looking through recipes for things that *I* wanted to eat. My family, I had decided, was going to support me in this by eating what I ate. So, I had to find food that was appropriate for my needs, appetizing, and affordable. Sometime after lunch (a measured peanut butter and jelly sandwich), I was ready.
After an exhausting trip to Wal-Mart, I arrived home just in time to start my first meal. It went well; even my picky daughter liked it. Brad is a bit upset; he only likes a limited menu and none of this is on it. He acknowledges he needs to lose some weight as well but he isn't interested in what I am doing. He feels like I should not make the menu something that he won't eat despite all his previous declarations that I should do what I needed and he would take care of himself. I went to bed upset with him but overall encouraged. I had a good first day.
Now, I just need to figure out when my day ends and when it begins. I get two sleep periods per 24-hours for 2-3 hours each (one for 2, and maybe the second one will be 3) when I work since I work nights. I've temporarily settled on when I either leave work (the nights I work) or wake up (the nights I am off). I also need to better organize my eating times. It's a long shift with no snacks to break it up and not having anything to eat on plan will make the snack machine too tempting. I'm already assuming that the nights I work will most likely be 1500 cal days and off nights will be 1200. Of course, salad is the least intrusive calorically on all of this if I choose my dressing wisely and/or an all veggie soup (weight watchers recipe!).