"Purple Line" [1/1]
Title: Purple Line [1/1]
Pairing: None, friendship!OT5 (Yoosu if you really try to read into it)
Genre: angsty self-reflection
Warnings: Many liberties taken with Junsu's past
Summary: Junsu's sick and it reminds him of a time in his life when he had thought all hope was lost.
Notes: Based on the lyrics translation here of the Korean version of Purple Line. Many thanks to the translator for the fantastic translation.
hagane_chan has kindly translated this into Russian ♥ You can read it here! Thank you!
There was a time he was told that he would never sing again.
Clutching at his throat, Junsu downs the cup of water, wincing as the cool liquid leave scorching trails of pain behind. He opens his mouth and can hardly manage a croak. Frowning, he turns to look helplessly at his - group mates? Friends? Housemates? - and they return his gaze.
They have a performance coming up in two days and Junsu is now officially down for the count. He thinks, with a slow burning anger, that this is one hell of away to bring in the new year.
With a shake of his head that is neither disappointment nor irritation, Yunho heads towards the phone.
Junsu's sick. No, it doesn't seem like we'll be able to perform. Junsu needs time to get better...Replace it with an interview? He can't even talk!. Well, that could work but we'd prefer to finish early so Junsu won't be alone for too long. You know how he is, Manager-sshi, he doesn't like to rest.
Yunho flashes a grin and Junsu glares. The grin remains. Junsu diverts his attention from that conversation to the other three members. Jaejoong is already searching for medicine in the cabinet in the kitchen while Changmin and Yoochun cluster around him. Changmin feels his forehead like the pragmatic boy he is and Yoochun is smiling as he ruffles his hair.
We'll get you better in no time! Yoochun promises and Junsu almost believes him. Frustration unfurls in his stomach and he can't even bring himself to smile at them. He's grateful, really. Loves the attention, the kindness and care that his friends are showing him in his time of need. But the appreciation can't quite quell the anger at himself, how much people he's letting down. He thinks about the staff responsible with preparing for their appearance, the hosts having to make changes to their script, their manager having to rework and renegotiate with so many different groups of people in order to arrange another time for them to film the performance. He thinks about the members who've been practicing for two weeks to perform their new single and damn it, of all the times for his throat to give out.
Junsu...Junsu!
Huh?
Jaejoong reappears in front of him and smiles his secret little smile and he presses a slim finger on the spot between his eyebrows, where a prominent V can be seen. He also hands him the packet with the two little pills, which Junsu accepts gratefully.
This means it's time to stop thinking of reasons to blame yourself with, his hyung says and he blinks as Yoochun practically smacks him upside the head. What the heck are you blaming yourself for? It's not like you tried to get sick!
Their leader shakes his head again. The youngest raises an eyebrow and tells Junsu that a sore throat generally doesn't affect one's judgments and brain faculties so why is he thinking of stupid things that don't matter?
Alright, the leader takes charge again and stops the bantering. We've got an interview to do and Manager-sshi will be here in twenty minutes.
Everyone, excluding the two of them, makes a mad scramble for their rooms to change and look presentable. Yunho turns to Junsu and asks him whether he'll be okay alone at home for a few hours. Junsu rolls his eyes and nods. Yunho smiles and takes Yoochun's spot in slinging his arm around him. We'll bring you back something.
Junsu especially laughs at this but coughs a little and wheezes instead. Yunho immediately looks concerned and Junsu waves him off, smiling though lacking a bit in spirit. He nods again and thinks that Yunho's way of cheering him up is, as always, to be the responsible 'hyung.'
He opens his mouth to say thank you and the pain as a reminder is enough to kill his smile.
Yunho notices of course, but drops it as Junsu face turn a little bit more solemn and serious. The three other boys are bounding out of their rooms and Yunho's cell phone is ringing and he needs to go but he can't resist puting a reassuring hand on Junsu's shoulder as they file out the door.
Changmin tells him to drink lots of water no matter how much it hurts, Jaejoong is strict about him going to bed and not spending the afternoon surfing the internet or playing videogames, and Yoochun drifts out the door while blowing kisses and winking to the man standing in the living room.
When the door falls shut, Junsu lets out a harsh bark of laughter and sinks into the couch, trying to resist swallowing as the pain wells up but never quite fades. He flops onto his side, hair that needs cutting drifting over his eyes. He thinks he misses his friends already, because when he's by himself he thinks too much.
Because when he was told he couldn't sing, the pain in his throat, in his heart, had been much the same.
His mind drifts and he loathes it but he can't help himself. He thinks and thinks and make these weird connections in his mind and soon he's no where but deep in his memories, a young boy, barely a man really, being told his dreams will never come true, that he should give up.
He remembers walking down the street. Late evening, sky dimming, and all he sees is a long streak of purple rising from amidst the tall dark buildings. It's a beautiful sight but it blurs in front of him, until the buildings are nothing but dark shapes shifting and changing, surrounding him and suffocating him and taking away his voice. There's no light and beauty but there is darkness and a deep, heavy fear of the world ending. It's purple.
He walks home that night and he sits on his bed, much like what he's doing now, and he cries. Cries and tries not to cry. There's tears leaving shiny tracks down his cheeks, soaking his pillow case and then his blanket and then he gives up and just sits there, crying and crying and like his tears, he knows his talent and his life is draining out of him.
Then his memory is faulty, he forgets what happens afterwards. But he decides it doesn't matter. So his memory skips, and he's back in the studio, his voice coming out in short bursts. Sometimes his voice breaks, sometimes he falters, sometimes he doesn't make it at all. All he knows is that he's not hitting the notes and that's akin to achieving the greatest failure in his life.
He knows he'll need a miracle to sing again. Yet he can't even hope for it.
One day, he wakes up and he knows he's hit rock bottom. There's nothing else. Nothing left. He'll have to quit SM, concentrate on school, get into a good university, maybe on a sports scholarship, become a world famous soccer player, and represent Korea in the World Cup. To be honest, it sounds even more ridiculous in his mind.
He's not sure what he needs to do if a trainee suddenly loses all his talent. None of the training he's done can help him; he was never taught how to quit the company. Drop out. Give up.
The words sound even uglier. He says it out loud but it comes out all wrong.
At this point, Junsu opens his eyes and stares at the television set sitting innocently at the front of the room. He again tries to remember and this time it works, a clear image of him holding a - he remembers - ridiculously badly typed letter to hand to Lee Soo Man himself. He's going to thank the man for giving him the chance, apologize for disappointing him. And then he's going to go around the company and wish all his trainee friends good luck. All this he needs to do without feeling like running away and hiding in his bed so he could dream of the past.
The first person he meets is Hyuk Jae and his letter is promptly ripped and thrown to the ground. He's not even sure whether to laugh or cry or kill him. The boy glares at him and stomps away like he has a right to after doing that and Junsu turns around and walks right out of the building, never stopping until he's at the doctors office again (which is closed because today is a Sunday). He turns around and stares at the horizon again and thinks, thinks, thinks too much. He finds a nice step to sit on and he sits and continues to think.
Darkness falls and purple splashes across the sky.
He stares at the purple horizon - that purple line obscured by those buildings - and this time there is no blurring but a deep desire that grows in his heart and he can feel it grow, can feel his ambition feeding it and his determination, and so he stands up and walks back to the SM building.
There are many things that occur to him. That up until now, he's surpassed every obstacle. Why is he letting this one stop him?
Junsu stands up from the couch, slowly working out the kinks in his joints, and rips open the package to the pills. Flinching heavily, he downs them and washes the glass before obediently walking - as if Jaejoong is there pointing a finger at the door - back to his room. He gets under the covers and curls up and closes his eyes. And then the thinking comes back.
He doesn't have time to socialize. He doesn't have time to even say hi to his friends. Hyuk Jae apologizes and he accepts but he goes to the studio instead of the soccer field and the practice room instead of the movies or karaoke or out for meals. He knows that if he wants to succeed, he'll have to find his own way, his own method.
Sometimes he stumbles and sometimes he falls, but he does it alone. Challenge after challenge, and he experiences it; sometimes it feels like his voice is dying and every sound that comes out isn't right. What keeps him going? He knows he can't fight against this reality - this thing that Life has pitted against him, but he knows there will be chances, always chances, no matter how exhausted he gets.
Maybe he refuses to acknowledge there is an end to it all. He experiences failure but he's learned his lesson. He won't ever believe in it again.
Eventually his voice gets better. His notes are less striking, less polished, but he's doing his best and when he is told he is to debut, he knows he has created a path for himself, a world where purple lines are always reachable, no matter how far or how obstructed they may be. But he does it alone.
He opens his eyes to darkness and he rolls onto his back, blinking at the splashes of purple on his ceiling. With a moment of effort and a hitch of breath he propels himself upwards into a sitting position, so that his head is in the direct line of sight to the window. He doesn't close the blinds so he sees, very very clearly, the horizon. His winning moment.
The sound of the front door opening and closing and the loud rush of voices and footsteps doesn't escape him and he swallows a little, blinks as he realizes the pain has lessened. The others barge into the room with shouts of how are you and we brought you a souvenir! and you missed out on the funniest thing!
So he sits, surrounded by them, breathing in their words and his throat itches. He clears his throat.
"I didn't miss you guys at all," he says and his voice is raspy, his grin infectious, and the others bulldoze him into the bed, deep into the mattress.
He laughs and laughs and when Yoochun lifts himself up by his elbows to tease Junsu about turning into a weakling and even Jaejoong can beat him at wrestling, he feels the weight of the others around him and thinks that, surrounded by the purple light, they have never looked more beautiful.
Pairing: None, friendship!OT5 (Yoosu if you really try to read into it)
Genre: angsty self-reflection
Warnings: Many liberties taken with Junsu's past
Summary: Junsu's sick and it reminds him of a time in his life when he had thought all hope was lost.
Notes: Based on the lyrics translation here of the Korean version of Purple Line. Many thanks to the translator for the fantastic translation.
hagane_chan has kindly translated this into Russian ♥ You can read it here! Thank you!
There was a time he was told that he would never sing again.
Clutching at his throat, Junsu downs the cup of water, wincing as the cool liquid leave scorching trails of pain behind. He opens his mouth and can hardly manage a croak. Frowning, he turns to look helplessly at his - group mates? Friends? Housemates? - and they return his gaze.
They have a performance coming up in two days and Junsu is now officially down for the count. He thinks, with a slow burning anger, that this is one hell of away to bring in the new year.
With a shake of his head that is neither disappointment nor irritation, Yunho heads towards the phone.
Junsu's sick. No, it doesn't seem like we'll be able to perform. Junsu needs time to get better...Replace it with an interview? He can't even talk!. Well, that could work but we'd prefer to finish early so Junsu won't be alone for too long. You know how he is, Manager-sshi, he doesn't like to rest.
Yunho flashes a grin and Junsu glares. The grin remains. Junsu diverts his attention from that conversation to the other three members. Jaejoong is already searching for medicine in the cabinet in the kitchen while Changmin and Yoochun cluster around him. Changmin feels his forehead like the pragmatic boy he is and Yoochun is smiling as he ruffles his hair.
We'll get you better in no time! Yoochun promises and Junsu almost believes him. Frustration unfurls in his stomach and he can't even bring himself to smile at them. He's grateful, really. Loves the attention, the kindness and care that his friends are showing him in his time of need. But the appreciation can't quite quell the anger at himself, how much people he's letting down. He thinks about the staff responsible with preparing for their appearance, the hosts having to make changes to their script, their manager having to rework and renegotiate with so many different groups of people in order to arrange another time for them to film the performance. He thinks about the members who've been practicing for two weeks to perform their new single and damn it, of all the times for his throat to give out.
Junsu...Junsu!
Huh?
Jaejoong reappears in front of him and smiles his secret little smile and he presses a slim finger on the spot between his eyebrows, where a prominent V can be seen. He also hands him the packet with the two little pills, which Junsu accepts gratefully.
This means it's time to stop thinking of reasons to blame yourself with, his hyung says and he blinks as Yoochun practically smacks him upside the head. What the heck are you blaming yourself for? It's not like you tried to get sick!
Their leader shakes his head again. The youngest raises an eyebrow and tells Junsu that a sore throat generally doesn't affect one's judgments and brain faculties so why is he thinking of stupid things that don't matter?
Alright, the leader takes charge again and stops the bantering. We've got an interview to do and Manager-sshi will be here in twenty minutes.
Everyone, excluding the two of them, makes a mad scramble for their rooms to change and look presentable. Yunho turns to Junsu and asks him whether he'll be okay alone at home for a few hours. Junsu rolls his eyes and nods. Yunho smiles and takes Yoochun's spot in slinging his arm around him. We'll bring you back something.
Junsu especially laughs at this but coughs a little and wheezes instead. Yunho immediately looks concerned and Junsu waves him off, smiling though lacking a bit in spirit. He nods again and thinks that Yunho's way of cheering him up is, as always, to be the responsible 'hyung.'
He opens his mouth to say thank you and the pain as a reminder is enough to kill his smile.
Yunho notices of course, but drops it as Junsu face turn a little bit more solemn and serious. The three other boys are bounding out of their rooms and Yunho's cell phone is ringing and he needs to go but he can't resist puting a reassuring hand on Junsu's shoulder as they file out the door.
Changmin tells him to drink lots of water no matter how much it hurts, Jaejoong is strict about him going to bed and not spending the afternoon surfing the internet or playing videogames, and Yoochun drifts out the door while blowing kisses and winking to the man standing in the living room.
When the door falls shut, Junsu lets out a harsh bark of laughter and sinks into the couch, trying to resist swallowing as the pain wells up but never quite fades. He flops onto his side, hair that needs cutting drifting over his eyes. He thinks he misses his friends already, because when he's by himself he thinks too much.
Because when he was told he couldn't sing, the pain in his throat, in his heart, had been much the same.
His mind drifts and he loathes it but he can't help himself. He thinks and thinks and make these weird connections in his mind and soon he's no where but deep in his memories, a young boy, barely a man really, being told his dreams will never come true, that he should give up.
He remembers walking down the street. Late evening, sky dimming, and all he sees is a long streak of purple rising from amidst the tall dark buildings. It's a beautiful sight but it blurs in front of him, until the buildings are nothing but dark shapes shifting and changing, surrounding him and suffocating him and taking away his voice. There's no light and beauty but there is darkness and a deep, heavy fear of the world ending. It's purple.
He walks home that night and he sits on his bed, much like what he's doing now, and he cries. Cries and tries not to cry. There's tears leaving shiny tracks down his cheeks, soaking his pillow case and then his blanket and then he gives up and just sits there, crying and crying and like his tears, he knows his talent and his life is draining out of him.
Then his memory is faulty, he forgets what happens afterwards. But he decides it doesn't matter. So his memory skips, and he's back in the studio, his voice coming out in short bursts. Sometimes his voice breaks, sometimes he falters, sometimes he doesn't make it at all. All he knows is that he's not hitting the notes and that's akin to achieving the greatest failure in his life.
He knows he'll need a miracle to sing again. Yet he can't even hope for it.
One day, he wakes up and he knows he's hit rock bottom. There's nothing else. Nothing left. He'll have to quit SM, concentrate on school, get into a good university, maybe on a sports scholarship, become a world famous soccer player, and represent Korea in the World Cup. To be honest, it sounds even more ridiculous in his mind.
He's not sure what he needs to do if a trainee suddenly loses all his talent. None of the training he's done can help him; he was never taught how to quit the company. Drop out. Give up.
The words sound even uglier. He says it out loud but it comes out all wrong.
At this point, Junsu opens his eyes and stares at the television set sitting innocently at the front of the room. He again tries to remember and this time it works, a clear image of him holding a - he remembers - ridiculously badly typed letter to hand to Lee Soo Man himself. He's going to thank the man for giving him the chance, apologize for disappointing him. And then he's going to go around the company and wish all his trainee friends good luck. All this he needs to do without feeling like running away and hiding in his bed so he could dream of the past.
The first person he meets is Hyuk Jae and his letter is promptly ripped and thrown to the ground. He's not even sure whether to laugh or cry or kill him. The boy glares at him and stomps away like he has a right to after doing that and Junsu turns around and walks right out of the building, never stopping until he's at the doctors office again (which is closed because today is a Sunday). He turns around and stares at the horizon again and thinks, thinks, thinks too much. He finds a nice step to sit on and he sits and continues to think.
Darkness falls and purple splashes across the sky.
He stares at the purple horizon - that purple line obscured by those buildings - and this time there is no blurring but a deep desire that grows in his heart and he can feel it grow, can feel his ambition feeding it and his determination, and so he stands up and walks back to the SM building.
There are many things that occur to him. That up until now, he's surpassed every obstacle. Why is he letting this one stop him?
Junsu stands up from the couch, slowly working out the kinks in his joints, and rips open the package to the pills. Flinching heavily, he downs them and washes the glass before obediently walking - as if Jaejoong is there pointing a finger at the door - back to his room. He gets under the covers and curls up and closes his eyes. And then the thinking comes back.
He doesn't have time to socialize. He doesn't have time to even say hi to his friends. Hyuk Jae apologizes and he accepts but he goes to the studio instead of the soccer field and the practice room instead of the movies or karaoke or out for meals. He knows that if he wants to succeed, he'll have to find his own way, his own method.
Sometimes he stumbles and sometimes he falls, but he does it alone. Challenge after challenge, and he experiences it; sometimes it feels like his voice is dying and every sound that comes out isn't right. What keeps him going? He knows he can't fight against this reality - this thing that Life has pitted against him, but he knows there will be chances, always chances, no matter how exhausted he gets.
Maybe he refuses to acknowledge there is an end to it all. He experiences failure but he's learned his lesson. He won't ever believe in it again.
Eventually his voice gets better. His notes are less striking, less polished, but he's doing his best and when he is told he is to debut, he knows he has created a path for himself, a world where purple lines are always reachable, no matter how far or how obstructed they may be. But he does it alone.
He opens his eyes to darkness and he rolls onto his back, blinking at the splashes of purple on his ceiling. With a moment of effort and a hitch of breath he propels himself upwards into a sitting position, so that his head is in the direct line of sight to the window. He doesn't close the blinds so he sees, very very clearly, the horizon. His winning moment.
The sound of the front door opening and closing and the loud rush of voices and footsteps doesn't escape him and he swallows a little, blinks as he realizes the pain has lessened. The others barge into the room with shouts of how are you and we brought you a souvenir! and you missed out on the funniest thing!
So he sits, surrounded by them, breathing in their words and his throat itches. He clears his throat.
"I didn't miss you guys at all," he says and his voice is raspy, his grin infectious, and the others bulldoze him into the bed, deep into the mattress.
He laughs and laughs and when Yoochun lifts himself up by his elbows to tease Junsu about turning into a weakling and even Jaejoong can beat him at wrestling, he feels the weight of the others around him and thinks that, surrounded by the purple light, they have never looked more beautiful.