The Mentalist Reverse Bigbang Fanfiction- The long road back home ch.4 and 5
Title: The long road back home
Author: little_firestar
Artist: kathiann
Link to art: here
Word Count: ~ 16165
Rating: K+
Summary: In the aftermath of Red John’s death, Jane and Lisbon are faced with a future where they are not any longer in the shadow of a serial killer. But ten years are a long time, and not everything is how they had wanted it to be, and they’ll discover that staying together may be a mistake, but being lonely could be even worse.
Disclaimer: No, nor the characters or the show belong to me. And this time around, there is not even an original character to claim as mine…
Notes: Future-fic, post Red John’s end. Spoiler-free. Amazing Thanks to Kathiann for the incredible art and the very inspirinmg fanmix. Working with her on a Big Bang is always a pleasure.
Link to fic:
Chapter One -Three
Chapter Four
Jane still remembered when he had told Timothy Carter, many years before, that getting rid of Red John would mean being free. And yet, he had never believed such a lie. Maybe it was because he thought that Red John’s end would mean his downfall too, either jail or death. Living with a memory of his lost family wasn’t part of the equation, and yet, here he was, hunted.
Hunted by his beloved lost family. Lost because of him.
Hunted by the memory of Lisbon, lost to him. Forever belonging to someone else.
He remembered that someone -many someone, actually -had once told him that to be free he had to leave. Find a new meaning for his life, a new place to live, another woman to love, a new family to add to. Well, despite being ten years late, here he was, doing as he was said for once in his life, trying to readjust to life by getting a life. Only, it wasn’t as easy as they had made it sound. He was restless, hyped up, always on edge. He had been traveling for over two months, and yet, he couldn’t stay for more than a couple of days in the same place. Her had already gone through the whole California, had traveled to Nevada (and risked arrest in Vegas, where he had been gently asked to never return to during those six months few years before) and was trying to think a new plan of action. Only, he couldn’t planned, as much as he wanted to. Because deep down traveling., getting a new life wasn’t want he wanted: he wanted a new life with people he cared about, the people he would have lost, if he didn’t return home sooner rather than later.
But there was just one tiny, little problem: he couldn’t come back home. Not when home was where Lisbon lived, not if she was still with someone else. And did he really thought she deserved the left-over of a man like he was? Teresa deserved better. That was why he had left. They were better off that way.
And yet, even if his mind kept telling him it was right, he felt just like a shell, empty. He liked to think it was what he had always been, that nothing changed, but the more he thought about it, the more he remembered that when he had been around her, he had felt human again, like he could be happy. Maybe even have a future-with her. But he had to stop thinking about it. It was why he had left, after all, because fairy tales were just bed-time stories never meant to happen in real life, and he was neither frog prince nor charming prince: they both had to look somewhere else-for someone else- if they wanted to get a happily ever after. He had hoped that traveling could help, but he had been wrong, and the rain that was wetting that part of California just made it worse. He missed everything that was sunny to him, Sacramento, Lisbon, his house, his family… all things that weren’t his any longer.
The thunder roared, and at the side of the road, walking under the rain, Jane saw a young girl. Quite tall, slender, long blonde hair, he thought about stopping by and ask her if she wanted a ride, but then he shook his head. No, he wanted to be alone-needed to, actually - and besides, that girl, she somehow screamed troubles. Asking her to join him wouldn’t do.
But then, he felt like he was dying, his lugs filled with liquid fire as a memory thought lost hit him with an unknown force-even stronger than his own hate for Red John. He remembered when he almost died, his blood poisoned by Belladonna tea, and he had seen her, his beautiful baby girl, turned in the teenager she had never came to be. That day, one of the most painful, and yet perfect, days of his life, he had seen her, and that girl along the road, she was just like his Charlie. It was like she was a mirror image of that dream long treasured in his memory palace. He sighed. He knew what kind of tricks the mind could play. Either he was reimagining Charlie, adapting her image to the girl’s one, or he had seen that very girl somewhere, whenever, by accident, without actually noticing her. And yet, right now it felt like he was seeing that vision, and as crazy as it could sound, he felt like, by betraying the stranger, he was betraying his own blood and bones yet again. And he couldn’t have any of that.
He sighed, almost mad at himself, and without slowing down he made a U turn and stopped abruptly right before the blonde teenager. She looked at him hesitantly, in silence, and he stared at her back, his eyes dark, hard. He didn’t say a word wither. Jane was mad, was annoyed, but not with the girl. He was the problem once again, because as much as he tried to move on with his life, to forget about his past, there was something that menaced to hunt him again, to bring him back to that dark place he had sworn he would never live again in.
“So?!” It was half a question, half an affirmation. His eyes never left hers, even when he opened the passenger door from his own side of the car. The girl looked around herself, in the distance, and then she decided to accept his kindness. She joined him in the car, sitting on his jacket, and like she was a wet dog she shook her hair, wetting Jane too. She gasped when she realized what she had just done, and Jane could see that she was worried. The girl had done so on autopilot, and now she thought that the grumpy old man was mad with her because he was as wet as a dog. He sighed, shaking his head, but yet he didn’t add anything. There was a small smile on his lips, clear indication that he wasn’t as mad as she could assume.
“Ok, young lady, where can I drive you?” he asked as he returned on the main road, the rain stronger than before. The girl looked at the outside of the vehicle. She probably didn’t know what to say, thinking that any wrong word could cost her the precious lift.
“I don’t care, wherever it is you are going to, I’m fine with it. As long as it is as far away from here as possible.” She answered him. It was told in that classic angst-y, annoyed, end of the world tone that teenagers felt compelled to use, and Jane barely resisted chuckling. He didn’t know why, but he liked that girl. He was going to drive her mad, just like he had done so many times with…
With Lisbon.
“So… what’s your name?” he asked her, but the blonde girl just kept looking outside, at the heavy rain. There wasn’t a lot to see, but she seemed ok with anything that wouldn’t include talking with the stranger who had been so nice to offer her a ride. Yep, she was a teenager all right. “I’m Patrick, by the way. But people calls me by my surname-Jane. Full-blooded Irish here!” he looked at her again, hoping to get a reaction, of any kind, but still nothing. No smile.
“Ok, so, it looks like we’re not in the mood, uh? Ok, all right, you know what? I don’t exactly know where I am going, it’s more like a spur of the moment, go with the wind, kind of thing. But I was planning to reach East wick, and it’s over an hour with this water, so what about a game?” She still didn’t answer, nor looked at him. “I bet I can guess everything there is to know about you.”
She turned, and stared at him. He could see she wanted to laugh at him, but he didn’t say anything. Not yet, at least. “Oh, really? And how do you plan of doing so, oh mighty one?” She mocked him, snorting in a very un-lady like manner.
“It’s true. I used to be a psych. I can prove it to you. Right now.”
She snorted yet again, shaking her head, looking at him like she was the sensible adult and he the kid. “There’s no such a thing as psychs.”
Jane gulped down a mouthful of saliva. Why was she using such words? That was a sort of catch phrase of his. It was what he often told people who assumed he had some kind of power. How could she know it? Was it just a coincidence? But then again, he didn’t believe that coincidences actually existed, so, how was is possible? For a second, he even believed that the girl was an emissary of Red John, sent to taunt him, but then he remembered that the killer and his entourage were no more. It had to be just that, a coincidence. After all, didn’t he once tell Lisbon that he wasn’t always right?
“Ouch. Looks like someone doesn’t like grammar too much. I didn’t say that I am a psych, just that I used to be one. “ He answered her in his knowing it all tone. It was kind of fun. He was behaving like he used it with criminals, only, the girl was just as normal as they got. And he wasn’t even conning her. It was just perfect.
“So, you were, what, a con-man?”
“Meh. Con-man is such a bad word…” he chuckled, than hummed for a short while, his eyes always on the road ahead. “Ok, let’s see… you are a minor, I’d say fourteen, despite looking few years older. By the way, looking older isn’t wanted, you do your best to look like a girl your age because when you were younger, the other girls made fun of you. I’m not exactly an expert, but I’ve been told that early physical development in a girl can be quite painful on a psychological side.”
She snorted, shaking her head. If Jane believed that win her over could be that easy, he was mistaken. She knew how he was doing such a thing. She wasn’t born yesterday. Besides, it was probably the easiest thing to guess about her.
Jane shook his head, sighing, and for a fraction of second he looked at the girl. It was clear she was in pain, and seeing that pain, he wondered if he was doing the right thing by helping her running away from home. He knew she wasn’t going away for nothing serious: Lisbon would have told him to talk her out of her decision, because she believed that there was nothing that couldn’t be fixed with care, affection, time and patience. Maybe it was time to try her solution.
He took a big breath, and went on.
“I also think that you believed yourself to be a little spoiled. Not too much, you’ve never asked for anything your parents couldn’t provide you with, but when you asked for something, you usually got it in the end. It normally came from your father, and he often didn’t ask your mother about it. You used to believe it was because he felt like you were his princess, but now you’ve realized that it was because he wanted to still look like the loving father, that he was looking for forgiveness. He has been having an affair, with a much younger woman. She was old enough to be legal as there is just rage and no shame in you, but I think you still knew her from your childhood. Maybe a playmate, like the daughter of a neighborhood. But what it’s really crazy is that you aren’t mad with him. No, you are mad with your mother. You think it was her fault if your dad was cheating on her. She didn’t look after herself enough, didn’t try to look beautiful… maybe PST, or…did she lose a child, maybe?”
And then, he saw them, the tears in her eyes, and as she started hitting him with her bare fists, Jane barely made it on the side of the road before they would end up in an accident. And then, as they weren’t moving any longer, she slapped him in the face, as hard as she could. She hit the target the first time, but when she went for his face again, Jane stopped her before it was too late.
“Ehy! What the hell?”
“What the hell? What the hell? I should be the one saying what the hell! What the hell do you want from me?” she screamed, unable to keep the tears and a cry from the deep of her soul from emerging. “What the hell do you want, uh? You hope that sad little girl will try to get sex from you because now she has daddy issues?!” She stared at his hand on his hurting face, and saw the ring, the gold enlightened by the passing cars. “What does your wife think about this, uh?” She asked with venom in her voice, disgusted by him.
“My wife and our daughter have been murdered over ten years ago” he said, crying, something that he had done probably just a couple of times before, when it came to his family and that hideous tragedy. “And now, I’ve lost the only other women who I ever loved….”
“Oh” she told, simply. There wasn’t really a lot she could say about this. She was mad with herself, as many troubles as they parents could get in… they were still there. All of them.
“When I pretended to be a psych, I went on TV, and mocked a killer. And instead of hurting me, he killed my family. Way worse, because if you really want to hurt a man, before killing him, you hurt his family.” he paused. “After, I asked to help the investigators with the case, and it was there that I met her. Teresa Lisbon. Hard assed, beautiful, sweet investigator with the desire to fix everything and everyone. Me included. I told her she couldn’t fox me, but I am starting to think that I was wrong.”
He smiled. “She is alive, isn’t she? You look sad but… you know… just not so much.”
He nodded. “It took us over ten years to catch that killer, and all along, he taunted me. Told me he wanted to kill every happy memory I had. That I couldn’t get close to someone without having the, getting killed, or taken away from here. I liked her, a lot, but I was too scared of losing her to actually confess my feelings, and now that he is gone…. I hoped that we would be both of on the same page, but I was wrong because she has moved on with her life and now she has a boyfriend, and as much as I want to protect her, I can’t look at Teresa getting married to someone who isn’t me.”
She shook her head, and took his hand in her own, squeezing it, almost painfully. She was so sad for this man. But nothing was lost, right? His Teresa wasn’t dead. He could still talk her in joining him. And she still had both her own parents, after all…
“I think…” she told him, tentatively, her voice broken by her tears. “I think that we should both go back home.”
He nodded, and made another U turn, and as he got closer and closer to where he had found her earlier, the sun rose, and it stopped raining.
Chapter Five
The road back to Sacramento seemed longer than what he had driven to get away, and Jane had to admit that, despite his usual hectic driving style, he was quite surprised he didn’t have any accident. He couldn’t concentrate, his mind was concentrating on how much he wanted to get back to her and how much he wanted her-always had, actually.
He had missed Lisbon, he knew it, both with his mind and his heart, but accepting it was another thing. Accepting that he wanted Teresa in his life was like admitting that he was ready to move on from Angela and Charlotte’s deaths, and he didn’t know if he would be ever ready to do such a thing. After all, hadn’t Jane always said that it was like he had had the knife in his hands that faithful night?
But… he had come to realize that he didn’t have to choose between past and present and future. He didn’t want to, and he was sure that neither did Teresa, nor Angela would have wanted for him to be miserable for the rest of his sorry life. He could love more than one person in his life, and his heart and his memory palace, were big enough to host them all. It was the right thing to do. He deserved happiness, and so did Teresa. She had been at his side like a partner and a friend for years, risking her career and her life as well, and then, once accepted that she was in love with him, instead of pushing him away or trying to get him in bed, she had just been there for him, waiting for the right time. For an occasion, an opportunity, one he had never given her. Getting back to her, it wasn’t just right for himself. It was the right thing to do towards Teresa too. She deserved it.
But, again, knowing that one thing was right didn’t mean he was ready to jump in anything yet. Jane was still full of regrets, of sense of guilt and self-doubt. He was still an hunted man, but instead of Red John, right now his own worst enemy was himself. Was it right to “impose” himself upon Lisbon? Did she deserve more? Did he have to suffer a bit more to be worth forgiveness from his beloved late ones? He didn’t know yet, so he did the only thing that came to mind at such an unholy moment: instead of announcing his impending arrival, he kept it quiet, and took a room in a no-tell motel, one of those places he used to camp in in his “dark days”. He needed to think. And to think, he needed to be alone with his thoughts.
That night, he didn’t sleep.
His mind was filled with images and memories of both Teresa and Angela. He had often wondered if he had ever deserved any of them, he had always doubted, but deep down, he liked to think that he had been chosen by them for a reason, that he had some good in him, buried deep down within his “soul” or whatever it was that gave him some semblance of morality. That was the only thing that the two women had in common, the fact that they had both decided that he was the one for them. Otherwise, they were so different… one would have wondered how he could have fallen in love with such different personalities. Teresa and Angela were like night and day. It wasn’t just in the body (Angela was tall, blonde, blue-eyes, slender, grace made flesh; Teresa was petite, short, dark hair, dark eyes, a tomboy) but in their “spirit” too. When she wanted something, there was no way Angela wasn’t going to get it, she was just resolute that way, while Lisbon thought to others first, coming last herself. Angela… well…yes, both women didn’t allow him to get away with too much, that was true, but Angela was a bit more submissive than Lisbon. Yes, she told him to stop playing the psych, but she had never complained about the money, nor insisted too much. Teresa? When she though he was amoral, she didn’t have any trouble shouting him off for good.
And maybe… that was the whole point. He could love both women, and he loved them not despite the fact they were different, but because they were different. He was a different man himself too, after all.
But again that traitor thought invaded his mind: just because he loved Teresa, it didn’t mean that he have to love her in every sense of the word. He didn’t need to have her, right? He could be like the joker of the court, that often in the middle age tales loved the queen or the princess but only from afar, in what he had once referred to as a “platonic love”. He had done so until Red John had died, why couldn’t he keep that up?
Well, it wasn’t an answer so hard to find: because he didn’t know if he was strong enough. Could he look at her from afar and reach happiness into the arms of another man? He wasn’t sure. But could he impose her to never be happy with another man, when he, himself, couldn’t give her that very happiness? It wasn’t like she didn’t deserve it. Teresa had always craved love and a family, but she had never gotten one. Why? Because she had always been too busy taking care of others, putting them and their needs before her own persona.
She had to look after her father after her mum died- she couldn’t ask someone else to do so, nor to get involved with her and her crazy family.
She had to raise her brothers after her father killed himself- she was just too busy.
She had to catch criminals and work insane hours- nobody was going to defend the weak, if not her.
Jane needed someone to look after him, he needed time before even contemplating the idea of dating, let alone having a real relationship- she just had to be there for him, help him out, and wait for him to see she had always been there right before his eyes.
Maybe he didn’t deserve her. Maybe she deserved more. But what if he was what she wanted? He couldn’t deny her this. If they both wanted it, it had to be somehow right, right? What if she had changed her mind? God, he really didn’t know what to do. Maybe a night hadn’t been enough. Maybe he needed more time to just clear his head and come up with his decision. Yes, that had to be it. He was going to do like when he had restricted the Red John list. He was going to stay in his room for more or less a week and analyze all pros and cons. Then, he would leave the room and contact Lisbon, and he would do… he would follow his plan of action, whatever it was going to be, no matter what.
But obviously, his life never went according to plan, and when he was reaching for a notepad to start his list, his phone rang. He really didn’t want to answer, but what if it was important? What if it was Lisbon? Maybe it was about her. Maybe something had happened to her. Maybe it was about Red John. No, as much as he hated being delayed, he just had to answer.
He flipped his phone open, and on the screen he saw the name of Cho. He shivered. He didn’t dare to breath. What if something had really happened to his Teresa? He would just end his life then and there. God, if she was dead… he had promised her once to always keep her safe, the he would always be arund to protect her, and now she could be dead, on in danger, or maybe in a hospital bed because he hadn’t been able to do as he had said. Of course she didn’t deserve a man like him. She was worth so, so much more than the sorry excuse of a living being like he was!
There was silence on the other end of the line-Cho was probably waiting for Jane to say something- and Jane didn’t dare to say a word. Getting to talk about it would make it real. It could mean that Teresa wasn’t hurt just in his mind, but in reality too. Or maybe… or it could be worse. He had acted like a man on solitary since he was gone, he didn’t know what had happened. Maybe… she could be lost to him forever. Dead like Charlotte and Angela, because yet again of him. Because he had abandoned her. Because he hadn’t been able to keep a promise, showing that she was right when she told him that all he could do was empty ones.
“Jane?” Cho finally asked. Jane could feel emotion in his friend’s voice, more than he had ever seen with his own two eyes on the Korean’s face. Cho was worried, it didn’t need a genius to get it.
“Yes?” he answered, closing his eyes. Jane suppressed the tears that were menacing to break free, and gulped down a mouthful of saliva. He really didn’t want to talk about it, but he knew they had to, whatever it was. He couldn’t hide from reality, he had to face it. Back then it had been a smiley on a wall and butchered bodies in his daughter’s room, now he still didn’t know yet, but he felt all the hairs on his arms stand, like electricity was running through his body. He knew he didn’t have any powers and it was just fear talking and giving away such signals, and yet…he felt like he knew that something was wrong.
“Jane, I need you to do something for me now. Will you do that?” Cho asked, as calm as usual. Jane nodded, then he remembered that his partner wasn’t there to see him, and that he had to actually talk with him if he wanted to be understood. Body language in such a situation was pointless, it lacked of utility.
“Yeah” Jane said. It hurt to talk, it was like he had never drank a sip in his whole life, he felt like he was burning from the inside out, and yet he couldn’t stop shivering.
“Jane, I know you are at that motel you used to live when you worked with us.” Cho said, and Jane looked instinctively around. Were they there? He felt like he was in Spy Game. “You paid with your credit card, and I put a fraud alert on it just to be sure wherever you could be.” Jane grunted. Of course his friend did it. Grace was a genius with computers, but the redhead was probably furious with him for leaving. So, instead of begging for help and risking blackmail, Cho had done the next best thing, making sure that it was the bank to do all the dirty job. Clever man.
“Yeah, well, then, please man up once in your life, ok?” Cho said. His voice was low, like he feared being over-heard (and in fact it sounded like he was at the office) but he was… maybe furious was a word too big to use in such a situation, but the agent sounded definitely exasperated. So, then… what did he really wanted from him? And mostly: how was Lisbon?
“Cho?” Jane asked, tentatively, and when silence followed on the other side of the line, he knew he had just had the green light to move on with his statement. “Sorry if I am bothering you by asking this, but… is Lisbon ok?”
Cho sighed. “I guess it depends on your definition of all right. If, by all right, you are asking me if she is alive and healthy, I can assure you that this isn’t the problem at hand. But if by all right you want to include her stubbornness and her incapacity of admitting she may be wrong and that jumping head first into something too big right now is wrong… then no, she isn’t all right.”
“Oh” Jane simply answered, his mouth a perfect o. He was glad she was alive and well, but he was starting to be worried about all that other stuff. Also, he didn’t know exactly what to do, or what Cho wanted from him. He just hoped that he hadn’t signed up for murder in the first degree.
“Yeah. And actually, I think she had stopped being all right a long time ago. I don’t say that she stopped being all right when she met you, but trust me, man, you leaving again did a pretty good job at making sure she wasn’t all right.”
“oh” Jane answered again. Actually,. He was starting to be a little scared. It wasn’t just that Cho knew where he was. It was that Cho sounded man in that scary kind of way. Cho mad was never a good thing. Maybe he had indeed signed up for murder. Only, it was his own.
Cho at the other side of the line sighed desperate. He had kind of figured out what his friend was thinking, and he was wrong. Jane could be a mentalist. But sometimes he could be an idiot. Especially when he was concerned. And if Lisbon was involved, things could even escalate past the point of idiocy. That was how bad he had it for the brunette.
“Ok, listen to me. I need you to take a quick shower, wear something decent and then grab your car and go to St Michael’s.” Jane shivered, and Cho didn’t need to be there to know it, so he took a big breath and then started talking again. “Jane, listen, you need to be there in less than two hours, ok? Because then it will be too late.” He paused, and shook his head. Lisbon would have killed him, but it was the right thing to do. “ Jane, in two hours, Lisbon will get married with Heist there, and you need to stop her. Because she may not know it yet, but I think she is doing a mistake.”
Jane hanged up, and hurried to keep his word.
Author: little_firestar
Artist: kathiann
Link to art: here
Word Count: ~ 16165
Rating: K+
Summary: In the aftermath of Red John’s death, Jane and Lisbon are faced with a future where they are not any longer in the shadow of a serial killer. But ten years are a long time, and not everything is how they had wanted it to be, and they’ll discover that staying together may be a mistake, but being lonely could be even worse.
Disclaimer: No, nor the characters or the show belong to me. And this time around, there is not even an original character to claim as mine…
Notes: Future-fic, post Red John’s end. Spoiler-free. Amazing Thanks to Kathiann for the incredible art and the very inspirinmg fanmix. Working with her on a Big Bang is always a pleasure.
Link to fic:
Chapter One -Three
Chapter Four
Jane still remembered when he had told Timothy Carter, many years before, that getting rid of Red John would mean being free. And yet, he had never believed such a lie. Maybe it was because he thought that Red John’s end would mean his downfall too, either jail or death. Living with a memory of his lost family wasn’t part of the equation, and yet, here he was, hunted.
Hunted by his beloved lost family. Lost because of him.
Hunted by the memory of Lisbon, lost to him. Forever belonging to someone else.
He remembered that someone -many someone, actually -had once told him that to be free he had to leave. Find a new meaning for his life, a new place to live, another woman to love, a new family to add to. Well, despite being ten years late, here he was, doing as he was said for once in his life, trying to readjust to life by getting a life. Only, it wasn’t as easy as they had made it sound. He was restless, hyped up, always on edge. He had been traveling for over two months, and yet, he couldn’t stay for more than a couple of days in the same place. Her had already gone through the whole California, had traveled to Nevada (and risked arrest in Vegas, where he had been gently asked to never return to during those six months few years before) and was trying to think a new plan of action. Only, he couldn’t planned, as much as he wanted to. Because deep down traveling., getting a new life wasn’t want he wanted: he wanted a new life with people he cared about, the people he would have lost, if he didn’t return home sooner rather than later.
But there was just one tiny, little problem: he couldn’t come back home. Not when home was where Lisbon lived, not if she was still with someone else. And did he really thought she deserved the left-over of a man like he was? Teresa deserved better. That was why he had left. They were better off that way.
And yet, even if his mind kept telling him it was right, he felt just like a shell, empty. He liked to think it was what he had always been, that nothing changed, but the more he thought about it, the more he remembered that when he had been around her, he had felt human again, like he could be happy. Maybe even have a future-with her. But he had to stop thinking about it. It was why he had left, after all, because fairy tales were just bed-time stories never meant to happen in real life, and he was neither frog prince nor charming prince: they both had to look somewhere else-for someone else- if they wanted to get a happily ever after. He had hoped that traveling could help, but he had been wrong, and the rain that was wetting that part of California just made it worse. He missed everything that was sunny to him, Sacramento, Lisbon, his house, his family… all things that weren’t his any longer.
The thunder roared, and at the side of the road, walking under the rain, Jane saw a young girl. Quite tall, slender, long blonde hair, he thought about stopping by and ask her if she wanted a ride, but then he shook his head. No, he wanted to be alone-needed to, actually - and besides, that girl, she somehow screamed troubles. Asking her to join him wouldn’t do.
But then, he felt like he was dying, his lugs filled with liquid fire as a memory thought lost hit him with an unknown force-even stronger than his own hate for Red John. He remembered when he almost died, his blood poisoned by Belladonna tea, and he had seen her, his beautiful baby girl, turned in the teenager she had never came to be. That day, one of the most painful, and yet perfect, days of his life, he had seen her, and that girl along the road, she was just like his Charlie. It was like she was a mirror image of that dream long treasured in his memory palace. He sighed. He knew what kind of tricks the mind could play. Either he was reimagining Charlie, adapting her image to the girl’s one, or he had seen that very girl somewhere, whenever, by accident, without actually noticing her. And yet, right now it felt like he was seeing that vision, and as crazy as it could sound, he felt like, by betraying the stranger, he was betraying his own blood and bones yet again. And he couldn’t have any of that.
He sighed, almost mad at himself, and without slowing down he made a U turn and stopped abruptly right before the blonde teenager. She looked at him hesitantly, in silence, and he stared at her back, his eyes dark, hard. He didn’t say a word wither. Jane was mad, was annoyed, but not with the girl. He was the problem once again, because as much as he tried to move on with his life, to forget about his past, there was something that menaced to hunt him again, to bring him back to that dark place he had sworn he would never live again in.
“So?!” It was half a question, half an affirmation. His eyes never left hers, even when he opened the passenger door from his own side of the car. The girl looked around herself, in the distance, and then she decided to accept his kindness. She joined him in the car, sitting on his jacket, and like she was a wet dog she shook her hair, wetting Jane too. She gasped when she realized what she had just done, and Jane could see that she was worried. The girl had done so on autopilot, and now she thought that the grumpy old man was mad with her because he was as wet as a dog. He sighed, shaking his head, but yet he didn’t add anything. There was a small smile on his lips, clear indication that he wasn’t as mad as she could assume.
“Ok, young lady, where can I drive you?” he asked as he returned on the main road, the rain stronger than before. The girl looked at the outside of the vehicle. She probably didn’t know what to say, thinking that any wrong word could cost her the precious lift.
“I don’t care, wherever it is you are going to, I’m fine with it. As long as it is as far away from here as possible.” She answered him. It was told in that classic angst-y, annoyed, end of the world tone that teenagers felt compelled to use, and Jane barely resisted chuckling. He didn’t know why, but he liked that girl. He was going to drive her mad, just like he had done so many times with…
With Lisbon.
“So… what’s your name?” he asked her, but the blonde girl just kept looking outside, at the heavy rain. There wasn’t a lot to see, but she seemed ok with anything that wouldn’t include talking with the stranger who had been so nice to offer her a ride. Yep, she was a teenager all right. “I’m Patrick, by the way. But people calls me by my surname-Jane. Full-blooded Irish here!” he looked at her again, hoping to get a reaction, of any kind, but still nothing. No smile.
“Ok, so, it looks like we’re not in the mood, uh? Ok, all right, you know what? I don’t exactly know where I am going, it’s more like a spur of the moment, go with the wind, kind of thing. But I was planning to reach East wick, and it’s over an hour with this water, so what about a game?” She still didn’t answer, nor looked at him. “I bet I can guess everything there is to know about you.”
She turned, and stared at him. He could see she wanted to laugh at him, but he didn’t say anything. Not yet, at least. “Oh, really? And how do you plan of doing so, oh mighty one?” She mocked him, snorting in a very un-lady like manner.
“It’s true. I used to be a psych. I can prove it to you. Right now.”
She snorted yet again, shaking her head, looking at him like she was the sensible adult and he the kid. “There’s no such a thing as psychs.”
Jane gulped down a mouthful of saliva. Why was she using such words? That was a sort of catch phrase of his. It was what he often told people who assumed he had some kind of power. How could she know it? Was it just a coincidence? But then again, he didn’t believe that coincidences actually existed, so, how was is possible? For a second, he even believed that the girl was an emissary of Red John, sent to taunt him, but then he remembered that the killer and his entourage were no more. It had to be just that, a coincidence. After all, didn’t he once tell Lisbon that he wasn’t always right?
“Ouch. Looks like someone doesn’t like grammar too much. I didn’t say that I am a psych, just that I used to be one. “ He answered her in his knowing it all tone. It was kind of fun. He was behaving like he used it with criminals, only, the girl was just as normal as they got. And he wasn’t even conning her. It was just perfect.
“So, you were, what, a con-man?”
“Meh. Con-man is such a bad word…” he chuckled, than hummed for a short while, his eyes always on the road ahead. “Ok, let’s see… you are a minor, I’d say fourteen, despite looking few years older. By the way, looking older isn’t wanted, you do your best to look like a girl your age because when you were younger, the other girls made fun of you. I’m not exactly an expert, but I’ve been told that early physical development in a girl can be quite painful on a psychological side.”
She snorted, shaking her head. If Jane believed that win her over could be that easy, he was mistaken. She knew how he was doing such a thing. She wasn’t born yesterday. Besides, it was probably the easiest thing to guess about her.
Jane shook his head, sighing, and for a fraction of second he looked at the girl. It was clear she was in pain, and seeing that pain, he wondered if he was doing the right thing by helping her running away from home. He knew she wasn’t going away for nothing serious: Lisbon would have told him to talk her out of her decision, because she believed that there was nothing that couldn’t be fixed with care, affection, time and patience. Maybe it was time to try her solution.
He took a big breath, and went on.
“I also think that you believed yourself to be a little spoiled. Not too much, you’ve never asked for anything your parents couldn’t provide you with, but when you asked for something, you usually got it in the end. It normally came from your father, and he often didn’t ask your mother about it. You used to believe it was because he felt like you were his princess, but now you’ve realized that it was because he wanted to still look like the loving father, that he was looking for forgiveness. He has been having an affair, with a much younger woman. She was old enough to be legal as there is just rage and no shame in you, but I think you still knew her from your childhood. Maybe a playmate, like the daughter of a neighborhood. But what it’s really crazy is that you aren’t mad with him. No, you are mad with your mother. You think it was her fault if your dad was cheating on her. She didn’t look after herself enough, didn’t try to look beautiful… maybe PST, or…did she lose a child, maybe?”
And then, he saw them, the tears in her eyes, and as she started hitting him with her bare fists, Jane barely made it on the side of the road before they would end up in an accident. And then, as they weren’t moving any longer, she slapped him in the face, as hard as she could. She hit the target the first time, but when she went for his face again, Jane stopped her before it was too late.
“Ehy! What the hell?”
“What the hell? What the hell? I should be the one saying what the hell! What the hell do you want from me?” she screamed, unable to keep the tears and a cry from the deep of her soul from emerging. “What the hell do you want, uh? You hope that sad little girl will try to get sex from you because now she has daddy issues?!” She stared at his hand on his hurting face, and saw the ring, the gold enlightened by the passing cars. “What does your wife think about this, uh?” She asked with venom in her voice, disgusted by him.
“My wife and our daughter have been murdered over ten years ago” he said, crying, something that he had done probably just a couple of times before, when it came to his family and that hideous tragedy. “And now, I’ve lost the only other women who I ever loved….”
“Oh” she told, simply. There wasn’t really a lot she could say about this. She was mad with herself, as many troubles as they parents could get in… they were still there. All of them.
“When I pretended to be a psych, I went on TV, and mocked a killer. And instead of hurting me, he killed my family. Way worse, because if you really want to hurt a man, before killing him, you hurt his family.” he paused. “After, I asked to help the investigators with the case, and it was there that I met her. Teresa Lisbon. Hard assed, beautiful, sweet investigator with the desire to fix everything and everyone. Me included. I told her she couldn’t fox me, but I am starting to think that I was wrong.”
He smiled. “She is alive, isn’t she? You look sad but… you know… just not so much.”
He nodded. “It took us over ten years to catch that killer, and all along, he taunted me. Told me he wanted to kill every happy memory I had. That I couldn’t get close to someone without having the, getting killed, or taken away from here. I liked her, a lot, but I was too scared of losing her to actually confess my feelings, and now that he is gone…. I hoped that we would be both of on the same page, but I was wrong because she has moved on with her life and now she has a boyfriend, and as much as I want to protect her, I can’t look at Teresa getting married to someone who isn’t me.”
She shook her head, and took his hand in her own, squeezing it, almost painfully. She was so sad for this man. But nothing was lost, right? His Teresa wasn’t dead. He could still talk her in joining him. And she still had both her own parents, after all…
“I think…” she told him, tentatively, her voice broken by her tears. “I think that we should both go back home.”
He nodded, and made another U turn, and as he got closer and closer to where he had found her earlier, the sun rose, and it stopped raining.
Chapter Five
The road back to Sacramento seemed longer than what he had driven to get away, and Jane had to admit that, despite his usual hectic driving style, he was quite surprised he didn’t have any accident. He couldn’t concentrate, his mind was concentrating on how much he wanted to get back to her and how much he wanted her-always had, actually.
He had missed Lisbon, he knew it, both with his mind and his heart, but accepting it was another thing. Accepting that he wanted Teresa in his life was like admitting that he was ready to move on from Angela and Charlotte’s deaths, and he didn’t know if he would be ever ready to do such a thing. After all, hadn’t Jane always said that it was like he had had the knife in his hands that faithful night?
But… he had come to realize that he didn’t have to choose between past and present and future. He didn’t want to, and he was sure that neither did Teresa, nor Angela would have wanted for him to be miserable for the rest of his sorry life. He could love more than one person in his life, and his heart and his memory palace, were big enough to host them all. It was the right thing to do. He deserved happiness, and so did Teresa. She had been at his side like a partner and a friend for years, risking her career and her life as well, and then, once accepted that she was in love with him, instead of pushing him away or trying to get him in bed, she had just been there for him, waiting for the right time. For an occasion, an opportunity, one he had never given her. Getting back to her, it wasn’t just right for himself. It was the right thing to do towards Teresa too. She deserved it.
But, again, knowing that one thing was right didn’t mean he was ready to jump in anything yet. Jane was still full of regrets, of sense of guilt and self-doubt. He was still an hunted man, but instead of Red John, right now his own worst enemy was himself. Was it right to “impose” himself upon Lisbon? Did she deserve more? Did he have to suffer a bit more to be worth forgiveness from his beloved late ones? He didn’t know yet, so he did the only thing that came to mind at such an unholy moment: instead of announcing his impending arrival, he kept it quiet, and took a room in a no-tell motel, one of those places he used to camp in in his “dark days”. He needed to think. And to think, he needed to be alone with his thoughts.
That night, he didn’t sleep.
His mind was filled with images and memories of both Teresa and Angela. He had often wondered if he had ever deserved any of them, he had always doubted, but deep down, he liked to think that he had been chosen by them for a reason, that he had some good in him, buried deep down within his “soul” or whatever it was that gave him some semblance of morality. That was the only thing that the two women had in common, the fact that they had both decided that he was the one for them. Otherwise, they were so different… one would have wondered how he could have fallen in love with such different personalities. Teresa and Angela were like night and day. It wasn’t just in the body (Angela was tall, blonde, blue-eyes, slender, grace made flesh; Teresa was petite, short, dark hair, dark eyes, a tomboy) but in their “spirit” too. When she wanted something, there was no way Angela wasn’t going to get it, she was just resolute that way, while Lisbon thought to others first, coming last herself. Angela… well…yes, both women didn’t allow him to get away with too much, that was true, but Angela was a bit more submissive than Lisbon. Yes, she told him to stop playing the psych, but she had never complained about the money, nor insisted too much. Teresa? When she though he was amoral, she didn’t have any trouble shouting him off for good.
And maybe… that was the whole point. He could love both women, and he loved them not despite the fact they were different, but because they were different. He was a different man himself too, after all.
But again that traitor thought invaded his mind: just because he loved Teresa, it didn’t mean that he have to love her in every sense of the word. He didn’t need to have her, right? He could be like the joker of the court, that often in the middle age tales loved the queen or the princess but only from afar, in what he had once referred to as a “platonic love”. He had done so until Red John had died, why couldn’t he keep that up?
Well, it wasn’t an answer so hard to find: because he didn’t know if he was strong enough. Could he look at her from afar and reach happiness into the arms of another man? He wasn’t sure. But could he impose her to never be happy with another man, when he, himself, couldn’t give her that very happiness? It wasn’t like she didn’t deserve it. Teresa had always craved love and a family, but she had never gotten one. Why? Because she had always been too busy taking care of others, putting them and their needs before her own persona.
She had to look after her father after her mum died- she couldn’t ask someone else to do so, nor to get involved with her and her crazy family.
She had to raise her brothers after her father killed himself- she was just too busy.
She had to catch criminals and work insane hours- nobody was going to defend the weak, if not her.
Jane needed someone to look after him, he needed time before even contemplating the idea of dating, let alone having a real relationship- she just had to be there for him, help him out, and wait for him to see she had always been there right before his eyes.
Maybe he didn’t deserve her. Maybe she deserved more. But what if he was what she wanted? He couldn’t deny her this. If they both wanted it, it had to be somehow right, right? What if she had changed her mind? God, he really didn’t know what to do. Maybe a night hadn’t been enough. Maybe he needed more time to just clear his head and come up with his decision. Yes, that had to be it. He was going to do like when he had restricted the Red John list. He was going to stay in his room for more or less a week and analyze all pros and cons. Then, he would leave the room and contact Lisbon, and he would do… he would follow his plan of action, whatever it was going to be, no matter what.
But obviously, his life never went according to plan, and when he was reaching for a notepad to start his list, his phone rang. He really didn’t want to answer, but what if it was important? What if it was Lisbon? Maybe it was about her. Maybe something had happened to her. Maybe it was about Red John. No, as much as he hated being delayed, he just had to answer.
He flipped his phone open, and on the screen he saw the name of Cho. He shivered. He didn’t dare to breath. What if something had really happened to his Teresa? He would just end his life then and there. God, if she was dead… he had promised her once to always keep her safe, the he would always be arund to protect her, and now she could be dead, on in danger, or maybe in a hospital bed because he hadn’t been able to do as he had said. Of course she didn’t deserve a man like him. She was worth so, so much more than the sorry excuse of a living being like he was!
There was silence on the other end of the line-Cho was probably waiting for Jane to say something- and Jane didn’t dare to say a word. Getting to talk about it would make it real. It could mean that Teresa wasn’t hurt just in his mind, but in reality too. Or maybe… or it could be worse. He had acted like a man on solitary since he was gone, he didn’t know what had happened. Maybe… she could be lost to him forever. Dead like Charlotte and Angela, because yet again of him. Because he had abandoned her. Because he hadn’t been able to keep a promise, showing that she was right when she told him that all he could do was empty ones.
“Jane?” Cho finally asked. Jane could feel emotion in his friend’s voice, more than he had ever seen with his own two eyes on the Korean’s face. Cho was worried, it didn’t need a genius to get it.
“Yes?” he answered, closing his eyes. Jane suppressed the tears that were menacing to break free, and gulped down a mouthful of saliva. He really didn’t want to talk about it, but he knew they had to, whatever it was. He couldn’t hide from reality, he had to face it. Back then it had been a smiley on a wall and butchered bodies in his daughter’s room, now he still didn’t know yet, but he felt all the hairs on his arms stand, like electricity was running through his body. He knew he didn’t have any powers and it was just fear talking and giving away such signals, and yet…he felt like he knew that something was wrong.
“Jane, I need you to do something for me now. Will you do that?” Cho asked, as calm as usual. Jane nodded, then he remembered that his partner wasn’t there to see him, and that he had to actually talk with him if he wanted to be understood. Body language in such a situation was pointless, it lacked of utility.
“Yeah” Jane said. It hurt to talk, it was like he had never drank a sip in his whole life, he felt like he was burning from the inside out, and yet he couldn’t stop shivering.
“Jane, I know you are at that motel you used to live when you worked with us.” Cho said, and Jane looked instinctively around. Were they there? He felt like he was in Spy Game. “You paid with your credit card, and I put a fraud alert on it just to be sure wherever you could be.” Jane grunted. Of course his friend did it. Grace was a genius with computers, but the redhead was probably furious with him for leaving. So, instead of begging for help and risking blackmail, Cho had done the next best thing, making sure that it was the bank to do all the dirty job. Clever man.
“Yeah, well, then, please man up once in your life, ok?” Cho said. His voice was low, like he feared being over-heard (and in fact it sounded like he was at the office) but he was… maybe furious was a word too big to use in such a situation, but the agent sounded definitely exasperated. So, then… what did he really wanted from him? And mostly: how was Lisbon?
“Cho?” Jane asked, tentatively, and when silence followed on the other side of the line, he knew he had just had the green light to move on with his statement. “Sorry if I am bothering you by asking this, but… is Lisbon ok?”
Cho sighed. “I guess it depends on your definition of all right. If, by all right, you are asking me if she is alive and healthy, I can assure you that this isn’t the problem at hand. But if by all right you want to include her stubbornness and her incapacity of admitting she may be wrong and that jumping head first into something too big right now is wrong… then no, she isn’t all right.”
“Oh” Jane simply answered, his mouth a perfect o. He was glad she was alive and well, but he was starting to be worried about all that other stuff. Also, he didn’t know exactly what to do, or what Cho wanted from him. He just hoped that he hadn’t signed up for murder in the first degree.
“Yeah. And actually, I think she had stopped being all right a long time ago. I don’t say that she stopped being all right when she met you, but trust me, man, you leaving again did a pretty good job at making sure she wasn’t all right.”
“oh” Jane answered again. Actually,. He was starting to be a little scared. It wasn’t just that Cho knew where he was. It was that Cho sounded man in that scary kind of way. Cho mad was never a good thing. Maybe he had indeed signed up for murder. Only, it was his own.
Cho at the other side of the line sighed desperate. He had kind of figured out what his friend was thinking, and he was wrong. Jane could be a mentalist. But sometimes he could be an idiot. Especially when he was concerned. And if Lisbon was involved, things could even escalate past the point of idiocy. That was how bad he had it for the brunette.
“Ok, listen to me. I need you to take a quick shower, wear something decent and then grab your car and go to St Michael’s.” Jane shivered, and Cho didn’t need to be there to know it, so he took a big breath and then started talking again. “Jane, listen, you need to be there in less than two hours, ok? Because then it will be too late.” He paused, and shook his head. Lisbon would have killed him, but it was the right thing to do. “ Jane, in two hours, Lisbon will get married with Heist there, and you need to stop her. Because she may not know it yet, but I think she is doing a mistake.”
Jane hanged up, and hurried to keep his word.