In Between Dreams [1/2]
Title: In Between Dreams
Beta: minniesaranghae
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Summary: All he knew was that it couldn’t last - he would go, and he knew Yunho would let him.
Their limbs were intertwined, and Jaejoong didn’t even know where he ended and Yunho began. All he knew was that it couldn’t last - he would go, and he knew Yunho would let him.
He shut his eyes and tried to keep the tears from escaping, but he felt them slip past his eyelids, only for Yunho to brush them away with his long fingers. He felt Yunho turn to embrace him, and it only made the weight of his decision heavier on his chest.
“You’re leaving.” Yunho said quietly as he brought Jaejoong closer to his chest.
Jaejoong nodded and refused to open his eyes.
“When?”
“Tomorrow morning, you know that.” He whispered back as they tried to prevent their hearts from shattering further in the aftermath of their passions. “I know because my parents told me that you convinced them to say yes to my idea.”
“It was supposed to be a secret.” Yunho said as he stroked Jaejoong’s hair, “It was supposed to be a secret.” He repeated, and Jaejoong knew he was on the verge of breaking out into tears.
“I’m sorry I’m not like you.”
“Don’t apologize, I love that about you.”
“I can’t help it.” Jaejoong replied as he finally opened his eyes and turned his head to face Yunho, “I’m selfish and you know it. We could be so happy together if I could just push those dreams aside and -“
“Don’t push them aside, not for me, not for anyone.” Yunho brushed his cheekbone gently and gave him a watery smile, “I love you, and I want what’s best for you. I can’t keep you here when there’s so much more for you.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
Jaejoong buried his face in Yunho’s chest, the tears refusing to stop falling and he was under no position to hold back anymore. He held onto Yunho tighter, his fingernails digging into the bare skin of his back.
“You know what this means for us, don’t you?” he choked out between tears, “You know that everything will end the moment I step onto that bus?”
“I know.”
“Nothing will be the same for us.” Jaejoong sobbed, “All because I’m selfish and can’t stay here with you - because I think being famous will get rid of the emptiness I feel here.”
“Jaejoong -“
“I want you to move on after I go.” He continued, the sobs refusing to subside and only breaking Yunho’s heart further. “Your parents don’t know about us - it’s better that way. Make sure you get married and have grandchildren for them.”
“Jaejoong -“
Jaejoong stared at him, his beautiful doe eyes glimmering with tears in the moonlight as he gripped onto Yunho tighter. “Promise me.”
Yunho shook his head, “I can’t do that. I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do it to myself. I won’t live a lie for them - I won’t do it.”
“But -“
He silenced Jaejoong with a slow kiss filled with longing and desperation as he prayed with all his might that somehow, someday, they would be with each other again. “You have to sleep.”
“I don’t want to, I can’t -“
Yunho cupped his face, “Do your best and follow your dreams. If they don’t bring you the answers you need, come back to me.”
“I already told you I don’t want you to wait for me!”
“You can’t convince me otherwise.”
Jaejoong broke out into sobs again, and they both fell into a restless sleep to each other’s litany of broken hearted apologies
o-o-o
They were at the bus station early the next morning.
Yunho gripped the steering wheel tightly as he did his best not to convince Jaejoong to stay with him. He knew that if he pleaded, no - even just asking would be enough for the other man to stay, so he didn’t.
No matter how much his heart wanted him to ask Jaejoong to stay.
Jaejoong was staring listlessly out the window at the empty parking lot. He’d been silent ever since they’d left Yunho’s small apartment, and Yunho knew it was because he was afraid of falling apart before he got onto the bus. Jaejoong’s family had all said goodbye to him the day before, leaving Yunho the task of taking him to the station.
Yunho glanced at Jaejoong and wanted to smile for him, but he couldn’t - it would only feel forced. Jaejoong was beautiful and radiated an aura that simply differentiated himself from other people, no matter how hard he’d tried to fit in. The aura was the reason why he was leaving - it called him to go seek out bigger things.
Jaejoong couldn’t stay behind because Yunho knew he was meant for bigger things. It was his passion to perform, and he couldn’t do that in their hometown.
“Don’t walk me to the bus.” Jaejoong said softly, “Let’s do our goodbye here.”
Yunho nodded. They couldn’t risk being seen in such a public area, and he knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with a goodbye hug. They were parting - not because long distance would be difficult, but because Jaejoong didn’t need a reason to run back from his dreams. Yunho refused to be a hindrance to the future that loomed on Jaejoong’s horizon.
“I love you.” Jaejoong whispered as he stared down at the dashboard of Yunho’s car, and Yunho reached out to take his shaking hands in his. He looked at Yunho and forced a smile, “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
“So why don’t you ask me to stay?”
“Because you can’t.” Yunho replied, knowing they were going back into the argument they’d been having ever since Jaejoong was scouted. He held onto Jaejoong’s hands tighter, not caring if he was being rough. “You need to go.”
“Are you sure you’re not asking me to go so that you can go back to your old life? So that you can marry one of those girls your mother forces on you?”
They were bitter words, but Yunho knew the only reason they came was because Jaejoong was scared and desperate. He didn’t want to go without Yunho, and he wanted any reason to stay.
He wouldn’t take the bait - he wouldn’t.
“Your bus is going to leave soon.” Yunho replied, withdrawing his hands from Jaejoong and placing them on his lap. He pointed at the time on the car’s clock, “You have five minutes.”
“Do you want me to go that badly?” Jaejoong asked, “Do you want me to leave you? I can’t understand...you should be asking me to stay, not telling me to go!”
“I love you, so you have to go. I will not let you hold back. You have so much more to offer there! I won’t let you give up on your dreams when you haven’t even tried! I know how much you love to perform - I can’t keep you here!” Jaejoong said nothing, and Yunho softened his tone. “It would be selfish of me to keep you here with me, no matter how much I want you to stay. I can’t be selfish and prevent you from a destiny I was never meant for.”
“I won’t forget you, and I’ll always love you because I’m romantic and foolish like that.” Jaejoong said quietly as he turned to face Yunho, “I’m going to go, and in return, I want you to move on.”
“You can’t -“
Jaejoong kissed him and pulled away, “When one door closes, another one opens.” He said quietly, “Your door with me is closing - another one will open. You’re contradicting yourself Yunho if you tell me you want me to go on, but remain stuck in the past. I can’t move on if you won’t either.”
“I don’t want you to forget me.”
“I won’t - I can’t.” Jaejoong smiled despite his tears, “I don’t know what we’re saying anymore and it’s all confusing. I’m so confused and -“
Yunho kissed him and silenced him immediately. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Your bus is about to leave.”
Jaejoong grabbed his bag from the backseat and brushed his tears away with the back of his hand. They stared at each other, memorizing every feature of the other’s face as they tried not to wonder about if they would ever get back together.
“I love you.” Yunho whispered.
“I know.” Jaejoong replied, “I love you too.”
“I know.”
Jaejoong gave him one last smile and exited the car, gently shutting the car door behind him. The moment it closed, a sense of finality and loss settled in and reality crashed against Yunho like a tidal wave.
Jaejoong was gone.
Yunho stayed in the parking lot, crying onto the steering wheel of his car long after Jaejoong had left.
o-o-o
His phone was ringing loudly, and Yunho fumbled as he tried to find it on his nightstand. He knocked over picture frames and cursed before he got out of bed and knelt onto the floor to find his phone.
He didn’t bother checking the caller ID - he just answered it immediately.
“What?” he muttered as he got back into bed and stared up the ceiling. There was silence on the other end, so he repeated his question with more irritation in his voice.
“I’m sorry for calling.”
“Jaejoong?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“I told you -“
“Do you still love me?” Jaejoong interrupted, his voice on edge. Yunho gripped his phone tighter, determined to lie - but he couldn’t. He shut his eyes and breathed out onto the receiver instead of replying.
“Yunho -“
“Don’t come back.”
“I was just asking you a question!”
Yunho nodded although he knew no one could see him in the darkness of his room, in the emptiness of his apartment. “I still love you.” He replied, and he knew instantly that a lie would’ve weighed him down and that honesty was always the better answer.
“I have another question for you.”
Jaejoong sounded like he was on the brink of tears, and Yunho didn’t want to hear what he had to say next. He couldn’t stand knowing Jaejoong was hurting and he was too far to do a thing about it.
“Am I pretty?”
His first instinct was to laugh - after all, Jaejoong’s wording had been absurd. What kind of man asked if he was pretty? A few seconds later, and he realized why Jaejoong had chosen that particular wording instead of asking it differently - most of his compliments were that he was a pretty boy.
“I think you’re perfect.” Yunho replied because although Jaejoong was pretty in such a way that was just unusual for someone lacking an X chromosome, he had a feeling Jaejoong was looking for something aside from a confirmation about his physical features.
There was silence on the other end for a few seconds, and Yunho heard Jaejoong take a deep breath. “They asked me if I wanted to do something to my nose and…they want me to do other things to my face. I couldn’t listen properly - the only thing I could think of was that I couldn’t return to you without a part of the self that you fell in love with.”
“Don’t do it Jaejoong, don’t do it.” Yunho said firmly despite the fact his heart was breaking for the other man. “You’re perfect and -“
“They don’t seem to think so.”
“Does it matter what they think?”
“I don’t want it to matter.” Jaejoong said quietly, “I’ll be in a drama soon Yunho…two weeks and filming starts which is why they’re pressuring me about this now. If I do it later on…it’ll be too noticeable.”
“Do you want to do it?”
“…no.”
“Then don’t.”
“Is it that easy? Can I just say no to them?” Jaejoong whispered, “Will they still let me act if I say no?”
“No matter what, you own your body Jaejoong. It’s yours and no one else’s.” Yunho replied as he found the strength within himself to encourage Jaejoong. “Work hard and reach your dreams and know that I’ll be here, supporting you.”
“Can’t we just get back together?” Jaejoong asked, his voice more confident than before. Yunho heard him shuffle on the other line, and he waited for Jaejoong to continue speaking. “It’s not like we’re seeing each other physically anyway.”
“I might just make you want to come back.”
“But cutting you out of my life is worse. I can’t do this. I can’t live in fear thinking that you might end up married when I go back - that I’ll never be able to kiss you again. I need reassurance and support Yunho, I need you. You don’t have to tell your parents about us, you know I never cared, I just need you.”
“Jaejoong, your management -“
“You’re just being selfish!” Jaejoong cried on the other end before he broke out into desperate heart wrenching sobs that broke Yunho’s heart and had him on the brink of tears in seconds. “You’re the one still surrounded by family and friends. What do I have here? I don’t have anyone!”
“Jaejoong -“
“You keep saying that you just want me to reach my dreams, but I think you just don’t want to deal with me anymore! Do you really want me to be famous Yunho, or do you just want me to go away so that you won’t have to risk coming out of the closet to your parents and family?”
“It’s not like that!” Yunho shouted, “It’s not like that! I just don’t want you to question your life in the future, I don’t want you to look at your life and think, I could’ve done more than this and end up blaming yourself! I don’t want to hold you back!”
“I could never hate you.”
“I never said that -“
“You were thinking it.” Jaejoong said quietly, “You were thinking it, and I know you were. I know that you’re afraid that I’ll end up hating you and our life together if I don’t fulfil this dream of mine.”
Yunho was silent, and Jaejoong pressed on. “The day I left...we were both trying so hard to think of something to say to each other. I told you to move on, you told me to forget you...”
“I don’t think either of us moved on.”
“I know. I didn’t expect to move on. Did you?”
“No.”
“Can we just...” Yunho waited on him to continue and clenched his phone tightly in his hand as he waited for Jaejoong to speak. “Can we just stay together?”
Yunho closed his eyes. “Do you want to?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Okay.” Yunho breathed out and leaned back onto his headboard. “Tell me about your day then. Tell me about your life there.”
Jaejoong began to speak, and Yunho stayed awake the entire night to listen to his fears, dreams, and aspirations.
When he showed up for class in the morning, he looked tired and unwell - but he didn’t feel the tiredness at all.
o-o-o
Jaejoong stared at himself on the poster of his drama, and it felt unreal. His face was on the poster, and he looked...different. It was like he wasn’t Yunho’s Jaejoong anymore. It was like he was suddenly Seoul’s Jaejoong.
He didn’t know if he liked the change.
His manager clasped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, a gesture that would’ve been considered fatherly had he not been the same man that had suggested for Jaejoong to get plastic surgery.
“There are good ratings so far. If the show maintains or even attains better ratings, you’ll be signed on for five years.” The older man glanced at Jaejoong and raised an eyebrow at him. “You should be excited - happy even.”
“I am.” Jaejoong said quietly as he continued to stare at the poster.
His manager quickly pulled away and shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks, deciding that distance would be better for the two of them. “Well, you should go out tonight and enjoy yourself.”
“I don’t know anyone.” Jaejoong replied honestly as he followed the man out of the room and to the entrance of the building, “I don’t think -“
He froze the moment they got outside of the building. There were people there, there were girls waiting for him with their posters and their well wishes. They screamed at the sight of him, and for moment, he was fairly sure he’d gone deaf.
In a blur, he found himself inside a car and driving away from the group of screaming fans. Jaejoong blinked, and when he returned to his senses, his manager was on the phone with the other members of the management staff - retelling the good news concerning his reception with the public.
The car stopped, and Jaejoong glanced out of the tinted window. They were in front of a club.
“Go inside.” His manager ordered as he leaned over to open the door. “When you’re done having your fun, call me. I don’t want you to get arrested for drunk driving or some other misdemeanour.”
“I -“
“Get out. You need to be seen, not heard. As long as you don’t end up fucking some person in the shabby bathroom, do whatever the hell you want.”
Before Jaejoong could protest, he was shoved out of the car. The line to get inside was long, but with one look at his face, the bouncer immediately let him inside without asking for his name.
The noise was loud, and before he could even comprehend what was happening, he was in the company of several men and women - all fledgling actors and actresses that he could only vaguely remember from commercials and television shows.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” one of them asked, her name forgotten along with all the others that had forced themselves upon him.
Jaejoong glanced at her and nearly wrinkled his nose in disgust. She was in every sense pretty, but he found her repulsive. He’d heard staff complain about her behaviour, and he had witnessed her rudeness on more than one occasion.
“I do.” He muttered as he tried to get away from her so that he could call his manager and pretend like he’d been making himself more famous.
“That’s a -“
Before she could get another word out, he gently pushed her aside and walked out the backdoor. He dialled his manager, and went back inside the club for one last drink before the car came.
When he checked his pockets later in the night for his phone, it was gone.
o-o-o
His manager fumed and handed him the lost phone. He shouted at Jaejoong for losing it and after five minutes of scolding, Jaejoong was ushered out for the interview. He could hear the buzzing in his ears as his manager began to talk to him about what not to say.
“You can’t talk about dating, if the host brings it up, give her a straight no.” “If they ask who your ideal type is, go simple. Pick a famous girl group member, one that everyone likes. You can’t single out someone who’s not famous since that’d call for too many questions as to why you like her.” “PR specifically stated you are to bite your lip once or twice during the interview. Bring attention to your lips, it’s a strong point of yours - you need to attract more fans.” “Don’t complain about you pre-debut process.” “If you have a sob story, find some way to share it. You’ll win over some fans with a touching back story, I’m sure.” “You’re not allowed to share anything about what’s going to be happening in the upcoming episodes, so just ask the audience to watch the upcoming episodes to find out what’s going to happen.” “Don’t crack a joke unless you’re absolutely sure the audience will laugh. We don’t need people to think you’re not funny and that you’re awkward.” “Maintain eye contact with the interviewer, compliment her when you first walk in, and pretend like you’re nervous because of her presence.” “Smile charmingly at the audience and the camera.” “Don’t mess this up. Screw this up, and kiss your career goodbye.” It was a live interview - there would be no edits to save his career if anything went terribly wrong.
Jaejoong blinked twice as the bright studio lights caught his eyes, and he had to clench his fists tightly in order to avoid holding up his hand to shield his eyes from the brightness.
“Have you ever been in love Jaejoong?”
Jaejoong froze - and he had to restrain himself from looking back at his manager for help. He could feel the eyes of the entire audience on him, and the burning gaze of his manager.
He could imagine Yunho watching him back home, intently watching the television screen and waiting for his answer.
Jaejoong smiled charmingly, “Yes, I think I’ve been in love.” He said slowly, and he knew the entire audience was on the edge of their seats.
The interviewer grinned, “Was it a wonderful experience?”
“Yes, it was.”
The interviewer crossed her legs and toyed with her skirt, “I assume it was before your acting debut?” she asked, “I don’t think you’d have the time to fall in love now with all the work you have going on for you at the moment.”
“Yes, it was pre-debut.”
“It ended tragically?” the woman asked as she reached out to hold Jaejoong’s hand, her cold fingers clutching onto his hand comfortingly. “What happened?”
Jaejoong wanted to pull away from her grip, but he only looked down and tried to look sad. He sighed quietly, “She broke up with me.” He bit his lip, and he could feel the entire audience waiting for him to continue. “She told me I had to fulfil my dreams of acting and that she couldn’t hold me back.”
“How tragic! What happened next?”
“I tried to convince her we could make things work, but she refused to take me back. We ended things, and I left for Seoul. A few weeks after filming had started for my drama, I heard she’d gotten married.”
The entire audience cooed in sympathy, and Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to wallow in triumph. He could feel a heavy load on his chest, and he wondered if that was how it felt to live a lie. As he got rushed out of the building, he felt fear building in his chest - could he continue to tell lies about his life?
The car door closed, and Jaejoong was jerked back into reality. His manager slid in from the other door - a pleased smile on his face.
“You’re doing so well - that story of yours was brilliant. Everyone’s buzzing about it now. Everyone wants to know who your old girlfriend was, everyone wants to know about you, the poor boy who was torn between his dream and love.”
Jaejoong looked out the window and realized he couldn’t bring himself to really care about what other people thought about the story.
He needed to know what Yunho thought of it.
o-o-o
The lies were getting heavier on his chest.
He could feel them weighing him down, and he didn’t know if he could take it any longer. The lies came easily during the interviews, but it was when he was alone that they took hold of him and made him regret saying them.
Jaejoong shut his eyes, and the makeup artist complained.
He opened his eyes and the woman continued, grumbling about his lack of cooperation. She lined his eyes with black eyeliner, and as he stared at himself in the mirror, he wondered how long he could go on like this.
Could he continue to lie about Yunho, to lie about his life, to lie about what he liked and didn’t like?
He glanced at his phone which was within his reach. He hadn’t called Yunho in weeks. Whenever he came close to dialling Yunho’s number, his hands would shake and he would toss his phone aside - too fearful to find out what Yunho would think of his lies and his new persona.
His family called and they kept telling him, don’t lose yourself.
As Jaejoong stared at himself in the mirror, his face covered in makeup and his own beauty foreign and strange to his eyes, he wondered.
What if he already had?
When he got into the car, he was chauffeured to another party. He was ordered once again to make ‘friends’ and to get his name around. He had to charm people that would make fan accounts - he needed to get his name out.
Instead of being social, he found himself drinking more than twice his weight to the point where everything was a blur, his words were a constant slur, and his control over his body was completely lost.
The alcohol killed his senses.
It also made the weight of his lies disappear.
A few days later, rumors swirled that Kim Jaejoong was a notorious partygoer and drinker. He showed up at interviews sober and beautiful - so the rumors were immediately cast away by the public, and his management had nothing to worry about. They didn’t care how much he drank - as long as the public loved him and he remained a beautiful sight.
He continued to drink, and Yunho’s calls were ignored from then on.
o-o-o
It was painful to hear what everyone had to say about Jaejoong - the same Jaejoong that he loved and had never stopped loving ever since their last meeting. It was like everywhere he went in their small hometown, he could hear people talking about Jaejoong all the time. Everyone wanted to know who he’d been in love with, who he’d secretly been seeing.
And whenever he ran into any of Jaejoong’s family members, all they had were tight smiles and gentle words of comfort.
Don’t worry Yunho, he still loves you.
As Yunho stared at the television screen and at his love, he wondered if those words were the truth - that the person on the screen, miles away, was still the same person who’d left on a bus to Seoul nearly a year ago.
His hair wasn’t black anymore, his eyes were a different color, and he looked so different. The words that were coming out of his lips fell to deaf ears because all Yunho could do was stare and wonder.
Did Jaejoong still love him?
Yunho grasped his drink a little tighter and ignored the dull throbbing in his chest as Jaejoong talked about his past love - the love that he’d left behind in order to achieve the dreams he held so close to his heart.
He shut his eyes.
Perhaps it was stupid to hope, stupid to still love him, stupid to still care.
Yunho shut off the television and stumbled to bed, alone and tired, his heart breaking and too numb to feel anything aside from the aching pain in his chest. As he drew the pillows closer, his eyes caught sight of the photograph next to his bed.
It was a polaroid picture that one of Jaejoong’s sisters had taken the night before Jaejoong left for Seoul.
Yunho reached out for it and took it off the night stand. He brought it closer, and the longer he looked at it, the harder it was for him to deal with the overwhelming and stifling absence and solitude of his apartment.
He grasped the picture tightly and shut his eyes.
The only things he had left of his past with Jaejoong were memories.
o-o-o
Yunho could only stare at his parents.
His father, silent and unimpressed as usual, listened to his mother carry the conversation about how it would be best for Yunho to get married as soon as he got promoted in the firm he was working at.
He could only listen mutely as his mother listed out potential wives. His mind was anywhere but with her. It went to Seoul, and it was filled with thoughts of Jaejoong, his absent lover and rising star of the entertainment world.
His mother continued talking, her words falling on his deaf ears as he stared at her and considered telling her that he couldn’t marry anyone, that he was gay and he would love Jaejoong for the rest of his life.
Ever since their relationship had begun, Jaejoong had never pressured him into telling his parents. They both knew what would happen if he told them. They knew he would get disowned - he would probably never see his family again. They’d never talked about him ever telling them about their relationship, and he always wondered about how Jaejoong really felt about the secrecy of it.
Yunho could feel his heart constrict in his chest. He couldn’t continue pretending to be the son they didn’t have. He couldn’t continue to pretend that he could love a woman and have children with her.
He glanced at Jihye, her eyes cast down as she ate quietly. He wondered if he would ever see her again - if she would accept him for who he was.
Before he could fully comprehend his actions, he’d stood up. His fists were clenched and he stared down at the table before he met his parents’ confused and uncertain gazes.
“I can’t do this anymore.” He began slowly, his voice shaking. He met his mother’s fearful gaze, “I can’t marry any of those girls. I don’t love them. I can’t. I’m gay.”
His mother burst out into sobs, and when he glanced at his sister, she was staring at him in mute shock. His father looked furious, and Yunho knew it was his time to leave. He walked away, and when he reached the door, his father shouted his name and he turned around to meet his father’s livid gaze.
“Jaejoong.” His father spat, his disgust evident. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You stupid boy.” He cursed, “He’s forgotten all about you by now I’m sure. You’re nothing but someone of the past to him now. I never trusted that boy, and now I know my dislike of him was not unfounded. He fed you lies, and now...”
“He never fed me any lies!” Yunho shouted back, “He loves me -“
“Why hasn’t he come back to see you then? Why doesn’t he proclaim your relationship out in public? Why does he flirt with those actresses on television? You’re even more of a fool than I thought if you think he loves you -“
Yunho punched his father and sent him down onto the floor. He breathed out heavily and met his father’s gaze. They stared at each other with mutual gazes of disgust and hate, and before another word could be said, Yunho ran to his car.
He drove to his apartment, locked himself inside the tiny shelter and cried. He was alone. Jaejoong was gone and he’d alienated himself completely from his family. He had no one.
He cried for hours, desperately hoping that Jaejoong would just call him and tell him that he still loved him.
The call never came, but his doorbell rang. Yunho shakily walked up to the door, and when he opened it, his sister stood outside with luggage and what looked like all her things.
“I love you, no matter who you love.” She said shakily as she tried to fight back tears so that she could reassure him that she regretted absolutely nothing. “I’m old enough to live without them, so can I live with you instead?”
His heart burst with love, and he welcomed her into his arms and home without a second’s hesitation.
o-o-o
Jihye was attached to him in every single way. They hadn’t been so close and open with each other since they were younger, and Yunho couldn’t help but be somewhat glad for the mishap with his parents, because it had finally allowed him and his sister to talk.
They were watching nothing in particular, just allowing the sounds of the comedians on the television to fill the silence of the room with their raucous laughter and obnoxiously loud voices.
Yunho let Jihye rest her head against his shoulder, and he felt her smaller hand grasp his own in a comforting gesture.
“Do you still love him?” Jihye asked, her voice quiet but still overwhelming the sounds coming from the television screen.
Yunho stared at the television and changed the channel. He was silent for a few seconds, and he knew his sister would not press him for an answer. She would wait for him to gather his thoughts.
As he flipped through channels, he stopped.
“Yunho.” Jihye said quietly, “Change the channel.”
It was a rerun of Jaejoong’s drama, and Yunho couldn’t bear to bring himself to tear his eyes away from the television screen. He was transfixed, and he watched as Jaejoong ran after the main character.
“Is that me?” Yunho asked, “Running after something that there’s no hope for?” he continued, “Is it stupid that I’m still clinging to the past and waiting for him to come back?”
“Yunho -“
“I told him to leave you know.” Yunho murmured, his eyes still on the screen. “I was the one that told him to follow his dreams.” As he watched Jaejoong envelope the actress into his arms, he felt Jihye’s grip on his hand tighten, “And now...he’s accomplished what he set out to do.”
The lead actress pushed Jaejoong away, and after shouting at him that she couldn’t accept his feelings, she ran away - leaving him alone in the streets, heartbroken and alone in a crowd of people.
“I still love him.” Yunho said finally, “And it hurts.”
o-o-o
The company’s final decision concerning him arrived. They wanted to sign him for five years.
Jaejoong could only stare at the document; it was everything he’d ever dreamed of. It promised him fame, fortune, and entrance into a world he’d only gotten a small glimpse of.
Everyone in the room had their eyes on him, and they all waited for him to sign the paper that would confirm his decision to stay with them. He was completely sober, but he felt like everything was unreal.
His dreams were right in front of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the pen and sign his name. He moved to take it, but his hands were shaking. The last months’ events were a blur - the nameless fans, the endless burning sensation of alcohol in his throat, the dozens of lonely mornings.
Could he continue living that way?
He was reminded of the hundreds of ignored phone calls and texts, and the messages from Yunho. His heart clenched painfully in his chest as he thought of Yunho, and he wondered if his pain was evident since he could feel everyone’s gaze on him intensify.
Jaejoong lifted his eyes off the paper and stared at the company president.
He couldn’t live his life without Yunho - he didn’t want to continue living a lie.
“I’m sorry.” He stumbled out of his chair and bowed to everyone, “I’m so sorry, but I will not be signing with your company. I’m quitting. I can’t do this any longer.”
The protests were voiced out immediately, but Jaejoong ignored them and rushed out of the office. He ran past the stunned staff and out of the building, past the screaming fans and into a taxi.
His heart beat wildly in his chest, and he felt freer than he’d ever felt in the past year.
He was free. Jaejoong ran inside his building and quickly packed all his things away, realizing that he’d gathered so few personal items. He shoved everything inside a bag and ran out of the building, his footsteps quick and unrestrained.
He ran to the closest bus station, but in his haste, he bumped into several people who were unable to catch but a fleeting glance of his beautiful face as he ran away from them and to the counter to buy his ticket.
With his ticket in hand, he dialled the number he’d avoided for months.
Yunho answered, and his heart soared but his happiness was marred by the guilt he felt for being so selfish, so stupid, and for hurting Yunho worse than he’d hurt himself.
“I’m sorry.” Jaejoong began, “I’m sorry for being so stupid. I’m so sorry Yunho.” It was then he realized that his ticket would mean nothing if Yunho didn’t want him to come back home. He clenched it even tighter in his fist, “I’m sorry.”
Yunho’s voice was soft. “Are you coming back?”
“Yes - and I want to. I can’t do this any longer.” Jaejoong replied as he ignored the stares of people and made his way to his bus. “I can’t...I’m so sorry Yunho.” He tried to fight back tears, well aware that he was in a public area, but he couldn’t.
“Don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry...for everything.”
“Don’t be.”
“Do you still want me to come back?’
“Yes.”
>
Author’s Note: I have only a three exams left, and my wonderful beta minniesaranghae finished editing this, so I decided to post this. Well, I suppose this is the start of my promised angst? Hahaha. XD Anyway, thank you so much to all the people who comment on my stories. I’m really slow in replying to them this week, and I promise I will reply to them soon. All the comments mean so much to me, so I’m so thankful to all of you for leaving them for me to read. I promise to update more next week. :3 Also, please do follow me on twitter! XD I’m @little_passions, and I tweet quite often, so if you want to ask about my stories, or just talk, I’d love to hear from you guys. :3 Thank you for reading! ♥
Beta: minniesaranghae
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Summary: All he knew was that it couldn’t last - he would go, and he knew Yunho would let him.
Their limbs were intertwined, and Jaejoong didn’t even know where he ended and Yunho began. All he knew was that it couldn’t last - he would go, and he knew Yunho would let him.
He shut his eyes and tried to keep the tears from escaping, but he felt them slip past his eyelids, only for Yunho to brush them away with his long fingers. He felt Yunho turn to embrace him, and it only made the weight of his decision heavier on his chest.
“You’re leaving.” Yunho said quietly as he brought Jaejoong closer to his chest.
Jaejoong nodded and refused to open his eyes.
“When?”
“Tomorrow morning, you know that.” He whispered back as they tried to prevent their hearts from shattering further in the aftermath of their passions. “I know because my parents told me that you convinced them to say yes to my idea.”
“It was supposed to be a secret.” Yunho said as he stroked Jaejoong’s hair, “It was supposed to be a secret.” He repeated, and Jaejoong knew he was on the verge of breaking out into tears.
“I’m sorry I’m not like you.”
“Don’t apologize, I love that about you.”
“I can’t help it.” Jaejoong replied as he finally opened his eyes and turned his head to face Yunho, “I’m selfish and you know it. We could be so happy together if I could just push those dreams aside and -“
“Don’t push them aside, not for me, not for anyone.” Yunho brushed his cheekbone gently and gave him a watery smile, “I love you, and I want what’s best for you. I can’t keep you here when there’s so much more for you.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
Jaejoong buried his face in Yunho’s chest, the tears refusing to stop falling and he was under no position to hold back anymore. He held onto Yunho tighter, his fingernails digging into the bare skin of his back.
“You know what this means for us, don’t you?” he choked out between tears, “You know that everything will end the moment I step onto that bus?”
“I know.”
“Nothing will be the same for us.” Jaejoong sobbed, “All because I’m selfish and can’t stay here with you - because I think being famous will get rid of the emptiness I feel here.”
“Jaejoong -“
“I want you to move on after I go.” He continued, the sobs refusing to subside and only breaking Yunho’s heart further. “Your parents don’t know about us - it’s better that way. Make sure you get married and have grandchildren for them.”
“Jaejoong -“
Jaejoong stared at him, his beautiful doe eyes glimmering with tears in the moonlight as he gripped onto Yunho tighter. “Promise me.”
Yunho shook his head, “I can’t do that. I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do it to myself. I won’t live a lie for them - I won’t do it.”
“But -“
He silenced Jaejoong with a slow kiss filled with longing and desperation as he prayed with all his might that somehow, someday, they would be with each other again. “You have to sleep.”
“I don’t want to, I can’t -“
Yunho cupped his face, “Do your best and follow your dreams. If they don’t bring you the answers you need, come back to me.”
“I already told you I don’t want you to wait for me!”
“You can’t convince me otherwise.”
Jaejoong broke out into sobs again, and they both fell into a restless sleep to each other’s litany of broken hearted apologies
o-o-o
They were at the bus station early the next morning.
Yunho gripped the steering wheel tightly as he did his best not to convince Jaejoong to stay with him. He knew that if he pleaded, no - even just asking would be enough for the other man to stay, so he didn’t.
No matter how much his heart wanted him to ask Jaejoong to stay.
Jaejoong was staring listlessly out the window at the empty parking lot. He’d been silent ever since they’d left Yunho’s small apartment, and Yunho knew it was because he was afraid of falling apart before he got onto the bus. Jaejoong’s family had all said goodbye to him the day before, leaving Yunho the task of taking him to the station.
Yunho glanced at Jaejoong and wanted to smile for him, but he couldn’t - it would only feel forced. Jaejoong was beautiful and radiated an aura that simply differentiated himself from other people, no matter how hard he’d tried to fit in. The aura was the reason why he was leaving - it called him to go seek out bigger things.
Jaejoong couldn’t stay behind because Yunho knew he was meant for bigger things. It was his passion to perform, and he couldn’t do that in their hometown.
“Don’t walk me to the bus.” Jaejoong said softly, “Let’s do our goodbye here.”
Yunho nodded. They couldn’t risk being seen in such a public area, and he knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with a goodbye hug. They were parting - not because long distance would be difficult, but because Jaejoong didn’t need a reason to run back from his dreams. Yunho refused to be a hindrance to the future that loomed on Jaejoong’s horizon.
“I love you.” Jaejoong whispered as he stared down at the dashboard of Yunho’s car, and Yunho reached out to take his shaking hands in his. He looked at Yunho and forced a smile, “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
“So why don’t you ask me to stay?”
“Because you can’t.” Yunho replied, knowing they were going back into the argument they’d been having ever since Jaejoong was scouted. He held onto Jaejoong’s hands tighter, not caring if he was being rough. “You need to go.”
“Are you sure you’re not asking me to go so that you can go back to your old life? So that you can marry one of those girls your mother forces on you?”
They were bitter words, but Yunho knew the only reason they came was because Jaejoong was scared and desperate. He didn’t want to go without Yunho, and he wanted any reason to stay.
He wouldn’t take the bait - he wouldn’t.
“Your bus is going to leave soon.” Yunho replied, withdrawing his hands from Jaejoong and placing them on his lap. He pointed at the time on the car’s clock, “You have five minutes.”
“Do you want me to go that badly?” Jaejoong asked, “Do you want me to leave you? I can’t understand...you should be asking me to stay, not telling me to go!”
“I love you, so you have to go. I will not let you hold back. You have so much more to offer there! I won’t let you give up on your dreams when you haven’t even tried! I know how much you love to perform - I can’t keep you here!” Jaejoong said nothing, and Yunho softened his tone. “It would be selfish of me to keep you here with me, no matter how much I want you to stay. I can’t be selfish and prevent you from a destiny I was never meant for.”
“I won’t forget you, and I’ll always love you because I’m romantic and foolish like that.” Jaejoong said quietly as he turned to face Yunho, “I’m going to go, and in return, I want you to move on.”
“You can’t -“
Jaejoong kissed him and pulled away, “When one door closes, another one opens.” He said quietly, “Your door with me is closing - another one will open. You’re contradicting yourself Yunho if you tell me you want me to go on, but remain stuck in the past. I can’t move on if you won’t either.”
“I don’t want you to forget me.”
“I won’t - I can’t.” Jaejoong smiled despite his tears, “I don’t know what we’re saying anymore and it’s all confusing. I’m so confused and -“
Yunho kissed him and silenced him immediately. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Your bus is about to leave.”
Jaejoong grabbed his bag from the backseat and brushed his tears away with the back of his hand. They stared at each other, memorizing every feature of the other’s face as they tried not to wonder about if they would ever get back together.
“I love you.” Yunho whispered.
“I know.” Jaejoong replied, “I love you too.”
“I know.”
Jaejoong gave him one last smile and exited the car, gently shutting the car door behind him. The moment it closed, a sense of finality and loss settled in and reality crashed against Yunho like a tidal wave.
Jaejoong was gone.
Yunho stayed in the parking lot, crying onto the steering wheel of his car long after Jaejoong had left.
o-o-o
His phone was ringing loudly, and Yunho fumbled as he tried to find it on his nightstand. He knocked over picture frames and cursed before he got out of bed and knelt onto the floor to find his phone.
He didn’t bother checking the caller ID - he just answered it immediately.
“What?” he muttered as he got back into bed and stared up the ceiling. There was silence on the other end, so he repeated his question with more irritation in his voice.
“I’m sorry for calling.”
“Jaejoong?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“I told you -“
“Do you still love me?” Jaejoong interrupted, his voice on edge. Yunho gripped his phone tighter, determined to lie - but he couldn’t. He shut his eyes and breathed out onto the receiver instead of replying.
“Yunho -“
“Don’t come back.”
“I was just asking you a question!”
Yunho nodded although he knew no one could see him in the darkness of his room, in the emptiness of his apartment. “I still love you.” He replied, and he knew instantly that a lie would’ve weighed him down and that honesty was always the better answer.
“I have another question for you.”
Jaejoong sounded like he was on the brink of tears, and Yunho didn’t want to hear what he had to say next. He couldn’t stand knowing Jaejoong was hurting and he was too far to do a thing about it.
“Am I pretty?”
His first instinct was to laugh - after all, Jaejoong’s wording had been absurd. What kind of man asked if he was pretty? A few seconds later, and he realized why Jaejoong had chosen that particular wording instead of asking it differently - most of his compliments were that he was a pretty boy.
“I think you’re perfect.” Yunho replied because although Jaejoong was pretty in such a way that was just unusual for someone lacking an X chromosome, he had a feeling Jaejoong was looking for something aside from a confirmation about his physical features.
There was silence on the other end for a few seconds, and Yunho heard Jaejoong take a deep breath. “They asked me if I wanted to do something to my nose and…they want me to do other things to my face. I couldn’t listen properly - the only thing I could think of was that I couldn’t return to you without a part of the self that you fell in love with.”
“Don’t do it Jaejoong, don’t do it.” Yunho said firmly despite the fact his heart was breaking for the other man. “You’re perfect and -“
“They don’t seem to think so.”
“Does it matter what they think?”
“I don’t want it to matter.” Jaejoong said quietly, “I’ll be in a drama soon Yunho…two weeks and filming starts which is why they’re pressuring me about this now. If I do it later on…it’ll be too noticeable.”
“Do you want to do it?”
“…no.”
“Then don’t.”
“Is it that easy? Can I just say no to them?” Jaejoong whispered, “Will they still let me act if I say no?”
“No matter what, you own your body Jaejoong. It’s yours and no one else’s.” Yunho replied as he found the strength within himself to encourage Jaejoong. “Work hard and reach your dreams and know that I’ll be here, supporting you.”
“Can’t we just get back together?” Jaejoong asked, his voice more confident than before. Yunho heard him shuffle on the other line, and he waited for Jaejoong to continue speaking. “It’s not like we’re seeing each other physically anyway.”
“I might just make you want to come back.”
“But cutting you out of my life is worse. I can’t do this. I can’t live in fear thinking that you might end up married when I go back - that I’ll never be able to kiss you again. I need reassurance and support Yunho, I need you. You don’t have to tell your parents about us, you know I never cared, I just need you.”
“Jaejoong, your management -“
“You’re just being selfish!” Jaejoong cried on the other end before he broke out into desperate heart wrenching sobs that broke Yunho’s heart and had him on the brink of tears in seconds. “You’re the one still surrounded by family and friends. What do I have here? I don’t have anyone!”
“Jaejoong -“
“You keep saying that you just want me to reach my dreams, but I think you just don’t want to deal with me anymore! Do you really want me to be famous Yunho, or do you just want me to go away so that you won’t have to risk coming out of the closet to your parents and family?”
“It’s not like that!” Yunho shouted, “It’s not like that! I just don’t want you to question your life in the future, I don’t want you to look at your life and think, I could’ve done more than this and end up blaming yourself! I don’t want to hold you back!”
“I could never hate you.”
“I never said that -“
“You were thinking it.” Jaejoong said quietly, “You were thinking it, and I know you were. I know that you’re afraid that I’ll end up hating you and our life together if I don’t fulfil this dream of mine.”
Yunho was silent, and Jaejoong pressed on. “The day I left...we were both trying so hard to think of something to say to each other. I told you to move on, you told me to forget you...”
“I don’t think either of us moved on.”
“I know. I didn’t expect to move on. Did you?”
“No.”
“Can we just...” Yunho waited on him to continue and clenched his phone tightly in his hand as he waited for Jaejoong to speak. “Can we just stay together?”
Yunho closed his eyes. “Do you want to?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Okay.” Yunho breathed out and leaned back onto his headboard. “Tell me about your day then. Tell me about your life there.”
Jaejoong began to speak, and Yunho stayed awake the entire night to listen to his fears, dreams, and aspirations.
When he showed up for class in the morning, he looked tired and unwell - but he didn’t feel the tiredness at all.
o-o-o
Jaejoong stared at himself on the poster of his drama, and it felt unreal. His face was on the poster, and he looked...different. It was like he wasn’t Yunho’s Jaejoong anymore. It was like he was suddenly Seoul’s Jaejoong.
He didn’t know if he liked the change.
His manager clasped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, a gesture that would’ve been considered fatherly had he not been the same man that had suggested for Jaejoong to get plastic surgery.
“There are good ratings so far. If the show maintains or even attains better ratings, you’ll be signed on for five years.” The older man glanced at Jaejoong and raised an eyebrow at him. “You should be excited - happy even.”
“I am.” Jaejoong said quietly as he continued to stare at the poster.
His manager quickly pulled away and shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks, deciding that distance would be better for the two of them. “Well, you should go out tonight and enjoy yourself.”
“I don’t know anyone.” Jaejoong replied honestly as he followed the man out of the room and to the entrance of the building, “I don’t think -“
He froze the moment they got outside of the building. There were people there, there were girls waiting for him with their posters and their well wishes. They screamed at the sight of him, and for moment, he was fairly sure he’d gone deaf.
In a blur, he found himself inside a car and driving away from the group of screaming fans. Jaejoong blinked, and when he returned to his senses, his manager was on the phone with the other members of the management staff - retelling the good news concerning his reception with the public.
The car stopped, and Jaejoong glanced out of the tinted window. They were in front of a club.
“Go inside.” His manager ordered as he leaned over to open the door. “When you’re done having your fun, call me. I don’t want you to get arrested for drunk driving or some other misdemeanour.”
“I -“
“Get out. You need to be seen, not heard. As long as you don’t end up fucking some person in the shabby bathroom, do whatever the hell you want.”
Before Jaejoong could protest, he was shoved out of the car. The line to get inside was long, but with one look at his face, the bouncer immediately let him inside without asking for his name.
The noise was loud, and before he could even comprehend what was happening, he was in the company of several men and women - all fledgling actors and actresses that he could only vaguely remember from commercials and television shows.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” one of them asked, her name forgotten along with all the others that had forced themselves upon him.
Jaejoong glanced at her and nearly wrinkled his nose in disgust. She was in every sense pretty, but he found her repulsive. He’d heard staff complain about her behaviour, and he had witnessed her rudeness on more than one occasion.
“I do.” He muttered as he tried to get away from her so that he could call his manager and pretend like he’d been making himself more famous.
“That’s a -“
Before she could get another word out, he gently pushed her aside and walked out the backdoor. He dialled his manager, and went back inside the club for one last drink before the car came.
When he checked his pockets later in the night for his phone, it was gone.
o-o-o
His manager fumed and handed him the lost phone. He shouted at Jaejoong for losing it and after five minutes of scolding, Jaejoong was ushered out for the interview. He could hear the buzzing in his ears as his manager began to talk to him about what not to say.
“You can’t talk about dating, if the host brings it up, give her a straight no.” “If they ask who your ideal type is, go simple. Pick a famous girl group member, one that everyone likes. You can’t single out someone who’s not famous since that’d call for too many questions as to why you like her.” “PR specifically stated you are to bite your lip once or twice during the interview. Bring attention to your lips, it’s a strong point of yours - you need to attract more fans.” “Don’t complain about you pre-debut process.” “If you have a sob story, find some way to share it. You’ll win over some fans with a touching back story, I’m sure.” “You’re not allowed to share anything about what’s going to be happening in the upcoming episodes, so just ask the audience to watch the upcoming episodes to find out what’s going to happen.” “Don’t crack a joke unless you’re absolutely sure the audience will laugh. We don’t need people to think you’re not funny and that you’re awkward.” “Maintain eye contact with the interviewer, compliment her when you first walk in, and pretend like you’re nervous because of her presence.” “Smile charmingly at the audience and the camera.” “Don’t mess this up. Screw this up, and kiss your career goodbye.” It was a live interview - there would be no edits to save his career if anything went terribly wrong.
Jaejoong blinked twice as the bright studio lights caught his eyes, and he had to clench his fists tightly in order to avoid holding up his hand to shield his eyes from the brightness.
“Have you ever been in love Jaejoong?”
Jaejoong froze - and he had to restrain himself from looking back at his manager for help. He could feel the eyes of the entire audience on him, and the burning gaze of his manager.
He could imagine Yunho watching him back home, intently watching the television screen and waiting for his answer.
Jaejoong smiled charmingly, “Yes, I think I’ve been in love.” He said slowly, and he knew the entire audience was on the edge of their seats.
The interviewer grinned, “Was it a wonderful experience?”
“Yes, it was.”
The interviewer crossed her legs and toyed with her skirt, “I assume it was before your acting debut?” she asked, “I don’t think you’d have the time to fall in love now with all the work you have going on for you at the moment.”
“Yes, it was pre-debut.”
“It ended tragically?” the woman asked as she reached out to hold Jaejoong’s hand, her cold fingers clutching onto his hand comfortingly. “What happened?”
Jaejoong wanted to pull away from her grip, but he only looked down and tried to look sad. He sighed quietly, “She broke up with me.” He bit his lip, and he could feel the entire audience waiting for him to continue. “She told me I had to fulfil my dreams of acting and that she couldn’t hold me back.”
“How tragic! What happened next?”
“I tried to convince her we could make things work, but she refused to take me back. We ended things, and I left for Seoul. A few weeks after filming had started for my drama, I heard she’d gotten married.”
The entire audience cooed in sympathy, and Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to wallow in triumph. He could feel a heavy load on his chest, and he wondered if that was how it felt to live a lie. As he got rushed out of the building, he felt fear building in his chest - could he continue to tell lies about his life?
The car door closed, and Jaejoong was jerked back into reality. His manager slid in from the other door - a pleased smile on his face.
“You’re doing so well - that story of yours was brilliant. Everyone’s buzzing about it now. Everyone wants to know who your old girlfriend was, everyone wants to know about you, the poor boy who was torn between his dream and love.”
Jaejoong looked out the window and realized he couldn’t bring himself to really care about what other people thought about the story.
He needed to know what Yunho thought of it.
o-o-o
The lies were getting heavier on his chest.
He could feel them weighing him down, and he didn’t know if he could take it any longer. The lies came easily during the interviews, but it was when he was alone that they took hold of him and made him regret saying them.
Jaejoong shut his eyes, and the makeup artist complained.
He opened his eyes and the woman continued, grumbling about his lack of cooperation. She lined his eyes with black eyeliner, and as he stared at himself in the mirror, he wondered how long he could go on like this.
Could he continue to lie about Yunho, to lie about his life, to lie about what he liked and didn’t like?
He glanced at his phone which was within his reach. He hadn’t called Yunho in weeks. Whenever he came close to dialling Yunho’s number, his hands would shake and he would toss his phone aside - too fearful to find out what Yunho would think of his lies and his new persona.
His family called and they kept telling him, don’t lose yourself.
As Jaejoong stared at himself in the mirror, his face covered in makeup and his own beauty foreign and strange to his eyes, he wondered.
What if he already had?
When he got into the car, he was chauffeured to another party. He was ordered once again to make ‘friends’ and to get his name around. He had to charm people that would make fan accounts - he needed to get his name out.
Instead of being social, he found himself drinking more than twice his weight to the point where everything was a blur, his words were a constant slur, and his control over his body was completely lost.
The alcohol killed his senses.
It also made the weight of his lies disappear.
A few days later, rumors swirled that Kim Jaejoong was a notorious partygoer and drinker. He showed up at interviews sober and beautiful - so the rumors were immediately cast away by the public, and his management had nothing to worry about. They didn’t care how much he drank - as long as the public loved him and he remained a beautiful sight.
He continued to drink, and Yunho’s calls were ignored from then on.
o-o-o
It was painful to hear what everyone had to say about Jaejoong - the same Jaejoong that he loved and had never stopped loving ever since their last meeting. It was like everywhere he went in their small hometown, he could hear people talking about Jaejoong all the time. Everyone wanted to know who he’d been in love with, who he’d secretly been seeing.
And whenever he ran into any of Jaejoong’s family members, all they had were tight smiles and gentle words of comfort.
Don’t worry Yunho, he still loves you.
As Yunho stared at the television screen and at his love, he wondered if those words were the truth - that the person on the screen, miles away, was still the same person who’d left on a bus to Seoul nearly a year ago.
His hair wasn’t black anymore, his eyes were a different color, and he looked so different. The words that were coming out of his lips fell to deaf ears because all Yunho could do was stare and wonder.
Did Jaejoong still love him?
Yunho grasped his drink a little tighter and ignored the dull throbbing in his chest as Jaejoong talked about his past love - the love that he’d left behind in order to achieve the dreams he held so close to his heart.
He shut his eyes.
Perhaps it was stupid to hope, stupid to still love him, stupid to still care.
Yunho shut off the television and stumbled to bed, alone and tired, his heart breaking and too numb to feel anything aside from the aching pain in his chest. As he drew the pillows closer, his eyes caught sight of the photograph next to his bed.
It was a polaroid picture that one of Jaejoong’s sisters had taken the night before Jaejoong left for Seoul.
Yunho reached out for it and took it off the night stand. He brought it closer, and the longer he looked at it, the harder it was for him to deal with the overwhelming and stifling absence and solitude of his apartment.
He grasped the picture tightly and shut his eyes.
The only things he had left of his past with Jaejoong were memories.
o-o-o
Yunho could only stare at his parents.
His father, silent and unimpressed as usual, listened to his mother carry the conversation about how it would be best for Yunho to get married as soon as he got promoted in the firm he was working at.
He could only listen mutely as his mother listed out potential wives. His mind was anywhere but with her. It went to Seoul, and it was filled with thoughts of Jaejoong, his absent lover and rising star of the entertainment world.
His mother continued talking, her words falling on his deaf ears as he stared at her and considered telling her that he couldn’t marry anyone, that he was gay and he would love Jaejoong for the rest of his life.
Ever since their relationship had begun, Jaejoong had never pressured him into telling his parents. They both knew what would happen if he told them. They knew he would get disowned - he would probably never see his family again. They’d never talked about him ever telling them about their relationship, and he always wondered about how Jaejoong really felt about the secrecy of it.
Yunho could feel his heart constrict in his chest. He couldn’t continue pretending to be the son they didn’t have. He couldn’t continue to pretend that he could love a woman and have children with her.
He glanced at Jihye, her eyes cast down as she ate quietly. He wondered if he would ever see her again - if she would accept him for who he was.
Before he could fully comprehend his actions, he’d stood up. His fists were clenched and he stared down at the table before he met his parents’ confused and uncertain gazes.
“I can’t do this anymore.” He began slowly, his voice shaking. He met his mother’s fearful gaze, “I can’t marry any of those girls. I don’t love them. I can’t. I’m gay.”
His mother burst out into sobs, and when he glanced at his sister, she was staring at him in mute shock. His father looked furious, and Yunho knew it was his time to leave. He walked away, and when he reached the door, his father shouted his name and he turned around to meet his father’s livid gaze.
“Jaejoong.” His father spat, his disgust evident. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You stupid boy.” He cursed, “He’s forgotten all about you by now I’m sure. You’re nothing but someone of the past to him now. I never trusted that boy, and now I know my dislike of him was not unfounded. He fed you lies, and now...”
“He never fed me any lies!” Yunho shouted back, “He loves me -“
“Why hasn’t he come back to see you then? Why doesn’t he proclaim your relationship out in public? Why does he flirt with those actresses on television? You’re even more of a fool than I thought if you think he loves you -“
Yunho punched his father and sent him down onto the floor. He breathed out heavily and met his father’s gaze. They stared at each other with mutual gazes of disgust and hate, and before another word could be said, Yunho ran to his car.
He drove to his apartment, locked himself inside the tiny shelter and cried. He was alone. Jaejoong was gone and he’d alienated himself completely from his family. He had no one.
He cried for hours, desperately hoping that Jaejoong would just call him and tell him that he still loved him.
The call never came, but his doorbell rang. Yunho shakily walked up to the door, and when he opened it, his sister stood outside with luggage and what looked like all her things.
“I love you, no matter who you love.” She said shakily as she tried to fight back tears so that she could reassure him that she regretted absolutely nothing. “I’m old enough to live without them, so can I live with you instead?”
His heart burst with love, and he welcomed her into his arms and home without a second’s hesitation.
o-o-o
Jihye was attached to him in every single way. They hadn’t been so close and open with each other since they were younger, and Yunho couldn’t help but be somewhat glad for the mishap with his parents, because it had finally allowed him and his sister to talk.
They were watching nothing in particular, just allowing the sounds of the comedians on the television to fill the silence of the room with their raucous laughter and obnoxiously loud voices.
Yunho let Jihye rest her head against his shoulder, and he felt her smaller hand grasp his own in a comforting gesture.
“Do you still love him?” Jihye asked, her voice quiet but still overwhelming the sounds coming from the television screen.
Yunho stared at the television and changed the channel. He was silent for a few seconds, and he knew his sister would not press him for an answer. She would wait for him to gather his thoughts.
As he flipped through channels, he stopped.
“Yunho.” Jihye said quietly, “Change the channel.”
It was a rerun of Jaejoong’s drama, and Yunho couldn’t bear to bring himself to tear his eyes away from the television screen. He was transfixed, and he watched as Jaejoong ran after the main character.
“Is that me?” Yunho asked, “Running after something that there’s no hope for?” he continued, “Is it stupid that I’m still clinging to the past and waiting for him to come back?”
“Yunho -“
“I told him to leave you know.” Yunho murmured, his eyes still on the screen. “I was the one that told him to follow his dreams.” As he watched Jaejoong envelope the actress into his arms, he felt Jihye’s grip on his hand tighten, “And now...he’s accomplished what he set out to do.”
The lead actress pushed Jaejoong away, and after shouting at him that she couldn’t accept his feelings, she ran away - leaving him alone in the streets, heartbroken and alone in a crowd of people.
“I still love him.” Yunho said finally, “And it hurts.”
o-o-o
The company’s final decision concerning him arrived. They wanted to sign him for five years.
Jaejoong could only stare at the document; it was everything he’d ever dreamed of. It promised him fame, fortune, and entrance into a world he’d only gotten a small glimpse of.
Everyone in the room had their eyes on him, and they all waited for him to sign the paper that would confirm his decision to stay with them. He was completely sober, but he felt like everything was unreal.
His dreams were right in front of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the pen and sign his name. He moved to take it, but his hands were shaking. The last months’ events were a blur - the nameless fans, the endless burning sensation of alcohol in his throat, the dozens of lonely mornings.
Could he continue living that way?
He was reminded of the hundreds of ignored phone calls and texts, and the messages from Yunho. His heart clenched painfully in his chest as he thought of Yunho, and he wondered if his pain was evident since he could feel everyone’s gaze on him intensify.
Jaejoong lifted his eyes off the paper and stared at the company president.
He couldn’t live his life without Yunho - he didn’t want to continue living a lie.
“I’m sorry.” He stumbled out of his chair and bowed to everyone, “I’m so sorry, but I will not be signing with your company. I’m quitting. I can’t do this any longer.”
The protests were voiced out immediately, but Jaejoong ignored them and rushed out of the office. He ran past the stunned staff and out of the building, past the screaming fans and into a taxi.
His heart beat wildly in his chest, and he felt freer than he’d ever felt in the past year.
He was free. Jaejoong ran inside his building and quickly packed all his things away, realizing that he’d gathered so few personal items. He shoved everything inside a bag and ran out of the building, his footsteps quick and unrestrained.
He ran to the closest bus station, but in his haste, he bumped into several people who were unable to catch but a fleeting glance of his beautiful face as he ran away from them and to the counter to buy his ticket.
With his ticket in hand, he dialled the number he’d avoided for months.
Yunho answered, and his heart soared but his happiness was marred by the guilt he felt for being so selfish, so stupid, and for hurting Yunho worse than he’d hurt himself.
“I’m sorry.” Jaejoong began, “I’m sorry for being so stupid. I’m so sorry Yunho.” It was then he realized that his ticket would mean nothing if Yunho didn’t want him to come back home. He clenched it even tighter in his fist, “I’m sorry.”
Yunho’s voice was soft. “Are you coming back?”
“Yes - and I want to. I can’t do this any longer.” Jaejoong replied as he ignored the stares of people and made his way to his bus. “I can’t...I’m so sorry Yunho.” He tried to fight back tears, well aware that he was in a public area, but he couldn’t.
“Don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry...for everything.”
“Don’t be.”
“Do you still want me to come back?’
“Yes.”
>
Author’s Note: I have only a three exams left, and my wonderful beta minniesaranghae finished editing this, so I decided to post this. Well, I suppose this is the start of my promised angst? Hahaha. XD Anyway, thank you so much to all the people who comment on my stories. I’m really slow in replying to them this week, and I promise I will reply to them soon. All the comments mean so much to me, so I’m so thankful to all of you for leaving them for me to read. I promise to update more next week. :3 Also, please do follow me on twitter! XD I’m @little_passions, and I tweet quite often, so if you want to ask about my stories, or just talk, I’d love to hear from you guys. :3 Thank you for reading! ♥