Gaaahh - aaahhh runs screaming away from ANY GARDENING!!! Oh dear, I shall have to pass this one on to my friend who DOES gorw them and bring me great lumps to turn into pumpkin pies! OH GOD... its AWFUL... oh dear me.
Bloody good too. but naaaah I do NOT LIKE THAT... I shall send cairistiona7 over to read it, she's asking about what we like in creepy horror stories!
Wow, that is creepy indeed. I will cut a curve around any pumpkin from now on. YIKES. Not that I didn't suspected this to happen but still... great job.
I’ll begin with a line-by line edit and move onto concrit. Corrections are as follows (empty brackets denote a comma deletion):
- Every evening after he had finished doing whatever need[ed] to be done on the farm...
-Of all the things Henry grew in his garden, the pumpkins were what he was most proud of. It is preferable to avoid ending on a preposition if it is otherwise unnecessary to do so; in this case you can simply omit the “of” and retain full meaning.
-When Henry planted them outside in May, they were already strong[.] [S]ince the weather was warm and there was plenty of rain during the nights, they grew splendidly.
-In June[,] the first flowers appeared[,] and he diligently pollinated them by hand as his neighbor Mary-Ann watched from the other side of the garden fence.
- I don’t even care about winning[;] I just want my pumpkins to grow well!”
-“Oh, don’t say that[.] [W]hat if something dreadful has happened?
-The officers sat down[,] and as one of them explained the reason
( ... )
Thank you so much! I knew the punctuation would get me again. ;)
It would be best to write out number less than one hundred, here as elsewhere, as such: July twenty-eighth. Good to know! I always followed the convention of writing out numbers up to twelve. I guess it differs from language to language.
I'm glad you thought the ending was surprising; in hindsight, I probably should have added a red herring or two.
Editor, very late but here now!cedarwolfsingerMay 20 2013, 19:29:12 UTC
Hi. I'm sorry I'm just getting to this -- I was very sick for about a week and then had a concert on Saturday night that I had to prepare for. Here I am, and I hope it will be a case of better late than never!
This is a very interesting story. You make Henry's difficulties with people very clear. He is certainly something of a curmudgeon, preferring his plants to people. How chilling and sad, then, that his prize pumpkin eats him.
I only have one note about grammar: in the second line the phrase "need to be done" should read "needed to be done".
The story was very well done. I enjoyed it even though it was somewhat creepy at the end. Sorry it took me so long to get to this edit.
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Bloody good too. but naaaah I do NOT LIKE THAT... I shall send cairistiona7 over to read it, she's asking about what we like in creepy horror stories!
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I'm thrilled that you liked it!
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I will cut a curve around any pumpkin from now on.
YIKES.
Not that I didn't suspected this to happen but still...
great job.
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I somehow keep giving things I like an even worse reputation than they already have... pumpkins, spiders, you name it. XD
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Poor Henry just wants his peace and quiet (and pumpkins), but people keep insisting on talking with him. Ugh! ;)
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I’ll begin with a line-by line edit and move onto concrit. Corrections are as follows (empty brackets denote a comma deletion):
- Every evening after he had finished doing whatever need[ed] to be done on the farm...
-Of all the things Henry grew in his garden, the pumpkins were what he was most proud of. It is preferable to avoid ending on a preposition if it is otherwise unnecessary to do so; in this case you can simply omit the “of” and retain full meaning.
-When Henry planted them outside in May, they were already strong[.] [S]ince the weather was warm and there was plenty of rain during the nights, they grew splendidly.
-In June[,] the first flowers appeared[,] and he diligently pollinated them by hand as his neighbor Mary-Ann watched from the other side of the garden fence.
- I don’t even care about winning[;] I just want my pumpkins to grow well!”
-“Oh, don’t say that[.] [W]hat if something dreadful has happened?
-The officers sat down[,] and as one of them explained the reason ( ... )
Reply
It would be best to write out number less than one hundred, here as elsewhere, as such: July twenty-eighth.
Good to know! I always followed the convention of writing out numbers up to twelve. I guess it differs from language to language.
I'm glad you thought the ending was surprising; in hindsight, I probably should have added a red herring or two.
Reply
This is a very interesting story. You make Henry's difficulties with people very clear. He is certainly something of a curmudgeon, preferring his plants to people. How chilling and sad, then, that his prize pumpkin eats him.
I only have one note about grammar: in the second line the phrase "need to be done" should read "needed to be done".
The story was very well done. I enjoyed it even though it was somewhat creepy at the end. Sorry it took me so long to get to this edit.
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I fixed the mistake and I'm glad Henry came across the way I wanted to portray him.
Thank you for the edit! :)
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