Mirielle

[little_grey_owl]

Titel: Mirielle
Words: 733
Warnings: Violence and sexual references
Written for brigits_flame , November 2009, week 4, topic: gun

Comments

Hello from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

I plan to do the edit in a couple of days. Do you want me to post my editing comments here, or would you prefer them emailed to you?

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[little_grey_owl]

Hello!
It's fine with me if you post the editing comments here. ;-)

Comments from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

This story is very powerful. It leads one on, thinking it is about one thing, only to abruptly change focus. You have used this shock technique very effectively. I notice you decided not to reveal the name of the first woman until close to the end of the first sequence, and did not reveal the man’s name at all until the second part. In addition, I have noted the change from telling the story in the first person (‘I’) and then the switch to telling it from Helen’s perspective. Those techniques helped to delineate the dream from reality, and enhanced the impact. Well done

Re: Comments from one of your editors!

[little_grey_owl]

Thank you very much! I have fixed the mistakes you pointed out.
For a while, I was a bit worried about switching to Helen's perspective but I could figure out no other way to write the ending in a satisfying way so I'm glad that worked.

[lacombe]

Wow, what a cool ending! Excellent full-circle storytelling here. :-)

[little_grey_owl]

Thank you!

[jamais_toujours]

Hey, I'm your other editor for this piece :).

I loved this story. The scene you created in the first part of the piece is believable and vivid. The dialogue was realistic and I loved the little details you included to help create the picture. I also liked how quickly you turned it into a nightmare situation when Mirielle took out the gun. The twist is nicely done, but I'm a bit iffy about the turn around of Frank shooting himself when his wife left the room. Where did he manage to find the gun? I do like how it tied in with his nightmare though.

Mechanics-wise, I can't see anything that needs to be changed. Let me know if you have any questions.

[little_grey_owl]

Thank you!
I was thinking that the gun was hidden in the wardrobe, which was why Frank was looking at it. I guess I need to change the story slightly to make that a bit clearer. ;-)

[blythe025]

Hi, this is a very late comment from the ROAR team.

This is one of those stories that just make you cringe in a good way. It's incredibly sad and very disturbing, but you handle it well.

I really liked the character of Mirielle. You did a good job with her and provided enough build up that it was believable that she would take a farce far enough to actually pull the trigger.

I would have liked to see an equal balance of character building with Helen and even Frank, because neither of them come of as real of characters as Mirielle does. You do a decent enough job with them, but it would be nice to have a stronger sense of them as people outside this burdened history of Mirielle.

[little_grey_owl]

Thanks for your comment! You're right, I think I did neglect Frank's and Helen's characters by concentrating too much on getting Mirielle right. I'll try to work through it again when I have more time.