Story: With Hidden Cards

[little_grey_owl]

Title: With Hidden Cards
Words: ~1900
Warnings: mild violence
Written for brigits_flame , week 2, December 2009 (Topic: hustler)

Comments

[quill_quirks]

Way to go Little Grey Owl!! This story had a great balance of description, creativity, dialog, and action.(I always have a little too much dialog but I am working on it) I want to read more about the plights of Darius and Caimonatro. Bravo!!

[little_grey_owl]

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I think I will continue this (but not necessarily on brigits_flame, I always think it's difficult to fit a story for which I already have ideas into the frame of a topic). I already have ideas for at least three more characters. :-)

[quill_quirks]

Well, you're off to a very cool start with the characters that you have!

[odannygirl7]

Hi,

I really enjoyed this. :) Loved the fantasy and the detail... blue greenish skin being a sign of mermish ancestry. Very nice.

Grammar and spelling look good.

You might want to have a line space between dialogue. When there's a lot of talk it bunches together and makes it difficult to read.

Other than that I think you're prety good. Good job setting up for the next part (if you choose to continue). :D

[little_grey_owl]

I'm glad you thought it was detailed enough, I'm just trying to think of the general direction it's heading before I try to continue it.
Oh dear, paragraphs and spacing seem to be my downfall. ;-)
Thank you for the edit!

[libra_dragon]

Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. You painted a really vivid picture with your words. Well done!

[little_grey_owl]

Thanks, I hoped to capture the atmosphere of the little world that popped into my mind (well, who doesn't). ;-)

[ephemeralbreath]

Hello, I'm Kelly, one of your editors for this week. The way I do edits is by simply reading through the story and making comments as I go along, and then adding to ortaking from them after I've finished the story. I like to be fairly blunt and to-the-point, so on to the story:

A cool breeze was blowing from the sea and the sunset's last streaks of colour were rapidly fading to a dark blue as night fell.
I really like this opening sentence, as it provides a really good backdrop to what's happening; however, I do have to comment that with something as wide as this, you have to be careful not to stray too far into cliche. I didn't find this one so, but this is just a comment for any other fantasy writing you may do in the future.

Tonight comma he had been able to complete the accounts early.

He had been thinking about playing a couple of games of cards in one of the taverns comma but perhaps he should just spend it on that busty brunette prostitute...In paragraph four (and anywhere else there is dialogue), there is a little bit of an

[little_grey_owl]

Sorry for the late answer, I haven't had the possibility to go online for a while. :-/
Anyway, thanks for the review, I'll keep your hints in mind.