Shadow Jasmine

[little_grey_owl]

Title: Shadow Jasmine
Written for brigits_flame , June 2010, week 1
Prompt: Jasmine, forever
Words: 1375
Warnings: brief mention of warts, in case that's a problem....

Comments

[vyvyan_wilde]

I enjoyed the culture of this world you created and the way you put touches of it throughout the story, like the different sorts of jasmine, the way the plants effect people and their futures, and the subtly resentful feelings of the woman toward Lord Liodrel. You also tell us all we need to know about the world without going into a huge infodump which is excellent. Good luck this week!

Re: editor

[little_grey_owl]

Sorry that I'm so incredibly late in replying!

Thanks for editing, I’ll work on making my sentences clearer and shorter (I really need to break my habit of using run-on sentences).

“Zenith” was the word that kept eluding me. I always feel a bit uncomfortable using words with cultural connotations (like “kilometer” or times of the day) and I was afraid “noon” could fall into this category. I guess I got carried away and ended up just making things more complicated. ;-)

Once again, thank you!

[mermaidbia]

Hullo, the name's Bia, I'm your other editor for this piece. Sorry I'm a bit late

[mermaidbia]

A smile spread across her face when she saw the lightest hue of pink at the base of the petal.
Again with the narration - the "smile spread across her face" makes Alenvia a passive element in the sentence, and it's unnecessary - if you just write "she smiled", she's instantly much more active. And also, why "lightest hue" and not just "pink"?

It confirmed what the trace of bitterness in the flower‘s odour had already suggested: she had indeed found Shadow Jasmine.
Again with too much narration and "backtracking" a bit, it doesn't flow very nicely - make it more compact, as Azuire has already suggested.

She would be back in time to perform the wedding ceremony that evening and she was sure that nobody would notice the slight aberration.
This is confusing in contest - does the "abberation" have to do with the cutting of the vines? It's foreshadowing for her treachery, I understand that in hindsight, but...do you honestly need it at this point?

After all, nobody had a reason to suspect anything and tradition dictated that there were

[mermaidbia]

I'd cut the "warily", as well, it is unnecessary and makes the sentence drag - the switch in behavior you're going for is obvious (and very interesting!)

As he walked out, Alenvia took out a silver pitcher, which she filled with water. "which" sentences have a tendency to be awkward. How about "filling it with water" or "and filled it with water"?

Alenvia waited as the guests slowly took their places in the hall, admiring the intricately carved pillars of the hall and the tapestries on the walls depicting Sacred Jasmine, the most essential part of the wedding ritual, it would bring prosperity, fertility and happiness to the couple.
This sentence is kind of like losing control of the steering wheel and losing control on a highway. First you're talking about the hall, then about Shadow Jasmine, and you put a comma where the brain instinctively puts a period. Here's my suggestion:
Alenvia waited as the guests slowly took their places in the hall, admiring the intricately carved pillars and the tapestries on the walls depicting Sacred

[little_grey_owl]

Thanks you for the edit!

You’ve given me a lot to think about!

I’ll try to follow your advice to keep my descriptions a bit shorter and avoid using repetitions, passive voice and adverbs too often. I’ll be sure to work through the story again with your suggestions in mind

Thanks again and sorry that my reply is so late!