This is my new favorite story of yours. You wrote with such poignancy. This is so heartfelt, and the way you alternate the reality with the memory interspersed is really powerful. Job well done indeed! <3
roll the dodos in with the edit wagonbardiphoukaOctober 17 2011, 23:53:29 UTC
Bittersweet comes to mind. A few points though.
When Sophie sits down with her she seems to know Ellen's situation, and yet nobody else does? Wonders idly if this is because of what Ellen is wearing. Sometimes a sentence or two of description can go a long way in the story.
Although one wonders. Assuming this is the town where they had gone to school, and the description you give of the area, hasn't she given things away. But then she never does really answer anyone. In this case though I think that is probably a good thing. We are, after all, listening in on what she remembers.
And I do wish she realised that it is okay to feel you are on top of the world. But that is just me.
Re: roll the dodos in with the edit wagonlittle_grey_owlOctober 30 2011, 22:14:33 UTC
You're right, I should make those scenes a bit clearer.
I did think seeing Ellen's immediate reaction to those questions and her admitting what her life is like might turn the story too much towards a direction I wasn't aiming for.
instead, brought along something warmer to wear. -I think you don't need the comma here; it's clear that she regrets not bringing a sweater (something I have alas regretted many times lately :P) without the comma.
A high heel caught in a crack of the pavement. -I like that you emphasize and explain Ellen's unhappiness with what's going on now.
“Do you mind if I join you?”Ellen -Just a typo: you need a space between the quotation mark and Ellen.
“Thank you! Sorry,” Ellen wheezed, well aware that she had had more articulate moments. -There is nothing quite like facing people in breath when you're completely out of breath :P It comes across so well here.
A middle aged lady -Should be 'middle-aged lady'.
Aw, I'm sorry that her entire evening was sort of a complete mess. I like that the bus isn't so much the actual bus but what Ellen regards as her dream life, sort of out of her reach. Lovely entry this week!
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When Sophie sits down with her she seems to know Ellen's situation, and yet nobody else does? Wonders idly if this is because of what Ellen is wearing. Sometimes a sentence or two of description can go a long way in the story.
Although one wonders. Assuming this is the town where they had gone to school, and the description you give of the area, hasn't she given things away. But then she never does really answer anyone. In this case though I think that is probably a good thing. We are, after all, listening in on what she remembers.
And I do wish she realised that it is okay to feel you are on top of the world. But that is just me.
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I did think seeing Ellen's immediate reaction to those questions and her admitting what her life is like might turn the story too much towards a direction I wasn't aiming for.
Thanks for the edit!
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By the way, I like your icon!
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instead, brought along something warmer to wear.
-I think you don't need the comma here; it's clear that she regrets not bringing a sweater (something I have alas regretted many times lately :P) without the comma.
A high heel caught in a crack of the pavement.
-I like that you emphasize and explain Ellen's unhappiness with what's going on now.
“Do you mind if I join you?”Ellen
-Just a typo: you need a space between the quotation mark and Ellen.
“Thank you! Sorry,” Ellen wheezed, well aware that she had had more articulate moments.
-There is nothing quite like facing people in breath when you're completely out of breath :P It comes across so well here.
A middle aged lady
-Should be 'middle-aged lady'.
Aw, I'm sorry that her entire evening was sort of a complete mess. I like that the bus isn't so much the actual bus but what Ellen regards as her dream life, sort of out of her reach. Lovely entry this week!
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I think I've just had so many out-of-breath moments that writing about it comes naturally.. ;-)
I'm glad the metaphorical missing of the bus came across well, I wasn't really sure how I wanted to end it until I actually came to that point.
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