Fic: Whitelaw books, Chapter 4
Title: Whitelaw Books, Chapter 4: I’d make wine from your tears
Word Count: 3529
Pairing: Pinto AU
Rating: R
Summary: With Zach in NY, their long distance relationship gets tested.
Warnings: Fluff and romance. Mild angst. Deaf character. Unbeta'ed.
Disclaimer: None of this is true.
A/N: Pretend that AiA happened in 2011-2012. The title is taken from INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart”.
Continued from Chapter 3: I wish a falling star could fall forever // Whitelaw Books Master Post
Zach pushed at his front door and propped it open with his leg as he slid his bag through the doorway and into the house. Just as he was resetting the security alarm, he heard the enthusiastic clack of nails against the hardwood floor.
He laughed at Noah’s happily wagging tail and leaned over to scratch his dog’s head and neck. A moment later, Harold sauntered over and purred as he rubbed his head on Zach’s shin. Zach give him a few scratches behind the ears and ran his hand down the black cat’s back.
“How are my boys? Have you been taking good care of Chris?” Sitting on the floor, he played and wrestled with Noah while Harold flopped down and began licking his paws.
Zach managed to catch an earlier flight and decided to surprise Chris for his birthday instead of telling him about his change in plans. It was only a difference of a couple hours, but enough for him to make it home before Chris was finished with work. He smiled at the sight of a thick cardigan left on the couch and the pages of writing that were scattered across the coffee table, the dining table, and everywhere in between.
As much as he enjoyed being in New York, he thought constantly about Chris and questioned whether he had made the right decision to be in the play. The look on Chris’ face when Zach first found out he’d gotten an audition for Louis was that of pure pride and excitement. He tried to hide it, but Zach also saw how his eyes briefly flashed of disappointment and worry.
There were countless discussions about Zach moving to the east coast for eight months. Even though Chris was nothing but selflessly encouraging, Zach had nearly given up at one point, right after his third audition, having being away form Chris for less than a week; he couldn’t imagine what more than half a year would feel like. Chris pleaded with him to take the role if it was offered to him, saying that Zach would forever look back and wonder with regret if he were to let this opportunity pass.
We’ll figure out a way to visit each other as much as possible. And I bet Skype sexing is hot. Want to give it try now?
When the phone call arrived a couple days later, Zach only hesitated for a moment before accepting and then immediately texted Chris. The minute it took for Chris to text him back felt like hours as he held his phone in his hands.
I never doubted for a moment that you’d get it. Make me proud.
Zach remembered feeling a dizzying combination of joy, fear, gratitude, and heartache that reduced him to tears while he stared at Chris’ text in his hotel room.
Their plan for Chris to fly out every other week hit a snag when his brother-in-law tore his ACL and required emergency knee surgery. Chris took on extra hours so his sister could scale back her time in the bookstore to help with her husband’s recovery.
Weeks of late night Skype sessions filled with grainy longing stares passed, and Zach became increasingly more frustrated. He booked a flight home for Chris’ birthday in August; the last time they had seen each was over three months ago in May. Flying home for a day and a half meant that Zach would be missing two rehearsals, but he couldn’t stand to be away any longer.
He dragged his bag to the bedroom and walked over to the bed. Zach smiled as he shook his head at the rumpled and unmade sheets on Chris’ side. It was somehow endearing and sad at the same time to think that Chris stayed on his side of the bed every night. The space that Zach should’ve been occupying remained untouched and was a physical reminder of his absence.
This is so stupid, but I have this fantasy where you show up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed to surprise me.
Zach went to the kitchen to get some water and noticed all the food in the fully stocked fridge. On the middle shelf was a cellophane covered glass pan with something sitting in a marinade. There were several shopping totes on the counter that hadn’t been unpacked yet.
Tickets sold out within hours and they decided to extend the show until the end of January. I’m under contract for the first extension. I’ll have performances straight through Christmas and New Years. I’m so sorry, Chris, I can’t make it home for the holidays.
That twist of overwhelming guilt in his stomach returned again. It hadn’t occurred to him to ask if Chris wanted to spend his birthday with his family and friends. He just assumed Chris would want to spend it with him alone. And now he realized that Chris was planning on cooking his own birthday dinner to accommodate Zach’s schedule. It was a stark contrast to how they had all celebrated his birthday last year.
Chris deserved better, Zach repeated in his head to himself for the thousandth time. This just didn’t seem right.
The sound of Noah trotting to the front door disrupted Zach’s thoughts. A moment later, he was standing in the living room as Chris walked in carrying another bag of groceries. Zach beamed at the sight of him and watched the surprise on Chris’ face melt into a huge smile.
‘Happy Birthday,’ he signed.
Chris dropped the bag he was carrying and threw himself at Zach. His arms wrapped around Chris and he was shocked to find that he’d lost weight. He tried to pry Chris off him, but his mouth was insistently latched onto his neck. Giggling at the feel of hands crawling up his shirt, Zach tipped Chris’ chin up to look at him.
“I missed you,” Zach said. “So much. You have no idea.”
His vision was consumed by the blue of Chris’ eyes. Neither of them said a word as Chris led him to the bedroom.
Less than thirty hours later, Zach was sitting on a plane again, thinking about pale skin and too skinny limbs. He reached under his seat for his messenger bag and found a neatly folded piece of paper in the front pocket. It was a ticket confirmation for a flight from LAX to LGA on December 24 with Chris’ name. On the back, he had scrawled something diagonally across the sheet of paper.
Then I’ll bring Christmas to you.
Zach smiled broadly, feeling like he’d struck gold with Chris, but at the same time, feeling that he somehow wasn’t worthy.
Zach couldn’t keep his eyes off Chris. His hair had grown out and he looked even younger than he did when he had visited a month ago in September. It wasn’t often that Chris wore suits, but he insisted on looking presentable at the opening night of Angels in America. Zach had spent most of the night thinking about the taut muscles of Chris’ back and shoulders hidden underneath the charcoal suit jacket.
Chris had met most of the cast and crew the last time he was in town and Zach proudly introduced him to his network of stage-acting friends who came to the opening. He felt lighter than he had in weeks with Chris next to him, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling that Chris seemed distant.
When he first noticed it last month, Zach assumed Chris was tired or overwhelmed from meeting so many people. But it seemed to continue after Chris went back to LA. At first, Zach told himself he was imagining things, but after a week, there was a definite pattern: Chris would be less talkative, seem distracted, and then end their Skype session, saying he was tired. Zach knew he had been sleeping less and was stressed out from exchanging countless versions of his manuscript with his editor as they got closer to publishing his novel.
This time though, something was definitely wrong about the practiced smile he gave and the dullness in his eyes.
It wasn’t until they were back at his apartment when Chris actually shied away from his touch while they were in bed. Zach’s stomach dropped into his gut.
‘Are you okay?’ Zach signed.
Chris gave him a tired nod and another unconvincing smile.
Reaching to the nightstand, Zach opened the notebook and wrote on a clean page.
Was it too much tonight? Too many people?
Carefully, Chris shook his head and wouldn’t look him in the eye. Fear crept up Zach’s spine and his heartbeat was suddenly deafening in his ears. It wasn't unusual for Chris to be quiet around new people, but this withdrawn and disinterested version of him was worrisome to Zach.
What’s bothering you?
“Nothing,” Chris said.
Zach studied him carefully and tried unsuccessfully to get Chris to make eye contact with him. He placed a hand on his forearm and Chris looked up with a kind of vacancy in his eyes that made panic rise in Zach’s chest.
‘Please,’ he signed.
Hesitantly, Chris picked up the pen and wrote in the notebook.
I’m so out of place with your friends here. They’re all actors and artists and I’m a boring deaf kid. I’m afraid you’re going to leave me and find someone better whom you have more in common with.
Zach sat up abruptly and reached for the pen in Chris’ hand.
You don’t really think that do you?
Chris bit his lip as Zach handed the pen and notebook back to him.
I saw how happy you were tonight. You were flirting and laughing with everyone. You have this career, these friends who get you as an actor, a life here that I’m not a part of and I wonder if I’m holding you back.
Zach blinked as he stared at the words. His heart was beating so fast that he could feel it in his throat, threatening to choke the breath from him.
I’m happy because you were here. I want to share this with you. You ground me and help me keep things in perspective. You don’t know how much that means to me.
He watched Chris think for a long moment before he began writing again, the pen moving quickly and urgently over the page.
I feel you pulling away from me. You’re more guarded. There’s something you’re not telling me and everyday I think you’re going to wake up and realize you don’t feel the same about me anymore, or that you’re leaving me for some young actor.
Reaching for the pen, Zach realized that his hand was shaking and his handwriting was choppy and rushed.
You’ve been keeping something from me too. You’ve been distant and quiet. Maybe I’ve been keeping something from you, but it’s not what you think. I’ve had this nagging feeling that I’ve let you down. I feel like you deserve more than what I can give you right now. I should be there to support you as you’re writing. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t chasing their dreams while you watch from the other side of the country.
Zach saw that Chris was trying to hide his tears as he picked up the pen.
It’s lonely, but you don’t know how fucking proud I am of you. This was your dream long before you met me. Who would I be to take it from you? Maybe I just came along at the wrong time.
Shaking his head, Zach shifted and wrapped his arms around Chris. They stayed on their sides, facing each other with mirroring looks of worry and uncertainty. Eventually, Zach turned off the light and continued to hold Chris close to him, wondering if they could survive another three months without falling apart and ignoring the possibility that maybe it was already too late.
He woke up in the middle of the night to the feel of gentle but desperate hands on him. Later, Zach’s fingers were tangled in Chris’ hair as sobbed into his neck and came inside him.
“This isn’t the last time. I don’t want to lose you like this,” Zach whispered against Chris’ jaw.
The next morning, they exchanged only a few words before Chris left. After the cab drove away, Zach walked up the two flights of stairs to his apartment and felt as if his chest had been hollowed out. He was tidying up the coffee table when he found the folded sheet of blue lined paper.
Am I still visiting in December?
Zach went to the kitchen and picked up his phone to text Chris, but after typing and deleting seven different messages, he ended up skirting the question completely.
have a safe flight. let me know when you get in. love you.
The next two weeks passed by blindly as the conversations between him and Chris dwindled in frequency and length. He performed every night on stage with little passion. He breathed cautiously because deep breaths seemed to make his chest hurt, and he convinced himself that something as innocuous as air might suffocate him or shatter his heart.
Zach woke up one morning in the middle of November, stared at his calendar, and saw nothing but blue eyes lined with tears. Flipping open his laptop, he booked a flight for later that evening and packed his bag.
As soon as they took their bows, he bolted out the door and hurried directly to the airport.
It was nearly 3 a.m. when he arrived home to find Chris asleep in their bed. Zach watched him sleep, studying the steady rise and fall of his chest, the slight part of his mouth, and the strand of hair that fell across his forehead. Stripping down to his underwear, Zach climbed into bed and smiled when Chris blinked with sleepy confusion before his eyes flew wide open, suddenly alert and shockingly bright even in the dark room. He threw his arms around Zach and hugged him so tightly that it left a bruise.
They spent the next two days in bed curled around each other, confessing and addressing each other’s fears. It started out as a game of ‘would you rather’, which turned into a game of hypotheticals, and then led to honest discussions of the things that had bothered them over the last few months. They acknowledged that, at some point in their future, they’d probably have to endure a long-distance period again. There were no declarations of unrealistic promises, just a mutual agreement to voice their insecurities and paranoia instead of letting them come between them.
He was fumbling through his carry-on in the security line at the airport when he saw the small slip of paper sticking out of his book. He flipped to the page it was marking. The dog-eared corner had been smoothed out and he read what was written on the strip of paper torn from Chris’ notebook.
Hypothetically, what if I asked you to marry me? What would you say?
Zach pulled his phone out from his pocket.
i’d say yes. in a heartbeat.
Zach had spent the day with his mom, walking through museums and visiting different eateries throughout the city. It was the last free day he had before he was finished with his run in Angels. As they headed back toward her hotel, his mom became suspiciously quiet. If there was something she wanted to share with him, he was sure she would when she was ready. He gave her a hug in the lobby and felt her cling to him.
“Come with me for a minute, Zachary. There’s something I want to show you,” she said, avoiding his gaze.
With some concern, he followed her into the elevator and then into her hotel room.
“Sit. It’s nothing bad,” she assured him.
Zach sat at the foot of the bed and watched her back as she looked through her purse. When she turned around, he saw that she had a small jewelry box in her hands. She sat next to him and held the box out to him. Swallowing hard, he took it and opened it, revealing his father’s gold wedding band.
“You mentioned that Chris had said something in passing a couple weeks ago...” she began.
Zach had woken up on Christmas morning in his apartment to find that Chris was watching him sleep. He remembered how Chris had traced his fingertips down his cheek with a soft expression.
“I’m going to marry you someday.”
It played over in Zach’s mind a million times a day.
His mom patted his knee and leaned into him. “I don’t want to meddle in your business. Whatever you two choose to do, marriage or not, official or not, I’m blessed to see how you glow when you’re around each other. The way you look at him, that look -- that same face -- it’s how he used to look at me.”
Unable to summon his voice and the right words, Zach simply nodded.
“Your father would’ve adored him, as well.”
Zach found a strange sense of satisfaction at the curious and suspicious looks Chris kept giving him throughout dinner. Not that he blamed Chris, who came home to the most elaborate meal Zach had ever attempted to prepare. In truth, Zach had been collecting recipes and calling Chris’ mom almost every day in the month since he’d returned from New York to plan this night.
“I wanted to do something special for you,” Zach had explained, and received a raised eyebrow in response.
But Chris played along, fully aware that Zach was up to something, while genuinely enjoying the attention and effort that Zach had put into their dinner. If he noticed that Zach seemed a bit nervous and his knee bounced under the table a little more excitedly than usual, he didn’t mention it.
They fell into a long silence after Zach finished telling Chris about the new project he had been working on with Neal with Corey that afternoon. Chris stood up and began to clear the table, but Zach took his hand and stopped him.
“Just wait,” he said and dragged him over to the couch.
“What’s going on, Zach?”
Placing a quick kiss on Chris’ lips, he grinned and nearly skipped to the bedroom. “Don’t go anywhere,” he said.
He hurried back and sat next to Chris, biting his lip and vibrating with excitement. It took a moment for him to compose himself, but Zach finally took Chris’ hand and placed the same small box in his palm, looking at him expectantly.
“What is this?”
‘Open it,’ Zach signed.
“Did you get me earrings?”
It earned Chris an eyeroll.
Grinning at him, Chris slowly lifted the cover and tilted his head in confusion. The slip of paper had been folded in half three times to fit inside. Chris picked it up, looking at Zach for further instruction. Zach nodded and rubbed his back. Gingerly, Chris unfolded the note and furrowed his brow when he saw his own handwriting. It took a few seconds for the tiny change Zach made to the note to register what the message said.
Hypothetically, what if I asked you to marry me? What would you say?
Chris glanced at Zach, who was staring pointedly at the jewelry box. Following his gaze, Chris looked down and delicately removed the gold ring from its velvet pocket, leaving the note in his lap. He held the ring between the thumb and index finger of his right hand, studying the simple band with quiet intensity and disbelief.
Reaching for his other hand, Zach realized Chris’ hand was shaking as he gently squeezed it. Chris looked up at him with damp blue eyes and Zach drew in a shaky breath, trying hard to smile though the tears that began to pool in his own eyes.
“It’s my father’s ring. Ma gave it to me.” Giving Chris’ hand another squeeze, he let out the deep breath he was holding.
‘Will you marry me?’ Zach signed.
He would never forget the huge smile Chris gave him and the way the crinkles framed his blue eyes, or the sound of him saying an emphatic “yes” followed by his bright laughter.
“Asshole! I was going to ask you! I made reservations for next weekend at your favorite restaurant!” Chris said, bouncing on the couch.
“You were taking too long!” Zach replied.
Laughing, he took the ring and slipped it onto the finger of Chris’ right hand. It was a bit loose, but Chris was so excited that he didn’t seem to care.
Chris wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and then traced his fingertips down Zach’s cheeks, the same way he had done Christmas morning.
Zach closed his eyes at the feel of tear-stained and salty lips pressed to his while Chris’ arms enveloped him and held him together, keeping him from bursting through his own skin with joy.
“Will you marry me?” Chris asked.
Zach bit his bottom lip and grinned. “I can’t wait to.”
Epilogue: Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
Word Count: 3529
Pairing: Pinto AU
Rating: R
Summary: With Zach in NY, their long distance relationship gets tested.
Warnings: Fluff and romance. Mild angst. Deaf character. Unbeta'ed.
Disclaimer: None of this is true.
A/N: Pretend that AiA happened in 2011-2012. The title is taken from INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart”.
Continued from Chapter 3: I wish a falling star could fall forever // Whitelaw Books Master Post
Zach pushed at his front door and propped it open with his leg as he slid his bag through the doorway and into the house. Just as he was resetting the security alarm, he heard the enthusiastic clack of nails against the hardwood floor.
He laughed at Noah’s happily wagging tail and leaned over to scratch his dog’s head and neck. A moment later, Harold sauntered over and purred as he rubbed his head on Zach’s shin. Zach give him a few scratches behind the ears and ran his hand down the black cat’s back.
“How are my boys? Have you been taking good care of Chris?” Sitting on the floor, he played and wrestled with Noah while Harold flopped down and began licking his paws.
Zach managed to catch an earlier flight and decided to surprise Chris for his birthday instead of telling him about his change in plans. It was only a difference of a couple hours, but enough for him to make it home before Chris was finished with work. He smiled at the sight of a thick cardigan left on the couch and the pages of writing that were scattered across the coffee table, the dining table, and everywhere in between.
As much as he enjoyed being in New York, he thought constantly about Chris and questioned whether he had made the right decision to be in the play. The look on Chris’ face when Zach first found out he’d gotten an audition for Louis was that of pure pride and excitement. He tried to hide it, but Zach also saw how his eyes briefly flashed of disappointment and worry.
There were countless discussions about Zach moving to the east coast for eight months. Even though Chris was nothing but selflessly encouraging, Zach had nearly given up at one point, right after his third audition, having being away form Chris for less than a week; he couldn’t imagine what more than half a year would feel like. Chris pleaded with him to take the role if it was offered to him, saying that Zach would forever look back and wonder with regret if he were to let this opportunity pass.
We’ll figure out a way to visit each other as much as possible. And I bet Skype sexing is hot. Want to give it try now?
When the phone call arrived a couple days later, Zach only hesitated for a moment before accepting and then immediately texted Chris. The minute it took for Chris to text him back felt like hours as he held his phone in his hands.
I never doubted for a moment that you’d get it. Make me proud.
Zach remembered feeling a dizzying combination of joy, fear, gratitude, and heartache that reduced him to tears while he stared at Chris’ text in his hotel room.
Their plan for Chris to fly out every other week hit a snag when his brother-in-law tore his ACL and required emergency knee surgery. Chris took on extra hours so his sister could scale back her time in the bookstore to help with her husband’s recovery.
Weeks of late night Skype sessions filled with grainy longing stares passed, and Zach became increasingly more frustrated. He booked a flight home for Chris’ birthday in August; the last time they had seen each was over three months ago in May. Flying home for a day and a half meant that Zach would be missing two rehearsals, but he couldn’t stand to be away any longer.
He dragged his bag to the bedroom and walked over to the bed. Zach smiled as he shook his head at the rumpled and unmade sheets on Chris’ side. It was somehow endearing and sad at the same time to think that Chris stayed on his side of the bed every night. The space that Zach should’ve been occupying remained untouched and was a physical reminder of his absence.
This is so stupid, but I have this fantasy where you show up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed to surprise me.
Zach went to the kitchen to get some water and noticed all the food in the fully stocked fridge. On the middle shelf was a cellophane covered glass pan with something sitting in a marinade. There were several shopping totes on the counter that hadn’t been unpacked yet.
Tickets sold out within hours and they decided to extend the show until the end of January. I’m under contract for the first extension. I’ll have performances straight through Christmas and New Years. I’m so sorry, Chris, I can’t make it home for the holidays.
That twist of overwhelming guilt in his stomach returned again. It hadn’t occurred to him to ask if Chris wanted to spend his birthday with his family and friends. He just assumed Chris would want to spend it with him alone. And now he realized that Chris was planning on cooking his own birthday dinner to accommodate Zach’s schedule. It was a stark contrast to how they had all celebrated his birthday last year.
Chris deserved better, Zach repeated in his head to himself for the thousandth time. This just didn’t seem right.
The sound of Noah trotting to the front door disrupted Zach’s thoughts. A moment later, he was standing in the living room as Chris walked in carrying another bag of groceries. Zach beamed at the sight of him and watched the surprise on Chris’ face melt into a huge smile.
‘Happy Birthday,’ he signed.
Chris dropped the bag he was carrying and threw himself at Zach. His arms wrapped around Chris and he was shocked to find that he’d lost weight. He tried to pry Chris off him, but his mouth was insistently latched onto his neck. Giggling at the feel of hands crawling up his shirt, Zach tipped Chris’ chin up to look at him.
“I missed you,” Zach said. “So much. You have no idea.”
His vision was consumed by the blue of Chris’ eyes. Neither of them said a word as Chris led him to the bedroom.
Less than thirty hours later, Zach was sitting on a plane again, thinking about pale skin and too skinny limbs. He reached under his seat for his messenger bag and found a neatly folded piece of paper in the front pocket. It was a ticket confirmation for a flight from LAX to LGA on December 24 with Chris’ name. On the back, he had scrawled something diagonally across the sheet of paper.
Then I’ll bring Christmas to you.
Zach smiled broadly, feeling like he’d struck gold with Chris, but at the same time, feeling that he somehow wasn’t worthy.
Zach couldn’t keep his eyes off Chris. His hair had grown out and he looked even younger than he did when he had visited a month ago in September. It wasn’t often that Chris wore suits, but he insisted on looking presentable at the opening night of Angels in America. Zach had spent most of the night thinking about the taut muscles of Chris’ back and shoulders hidden underneath the charcoal suit jacket.
Chris had met most of the cast and crew the last time he was in town and Zach proudly introduced him to his network of stage-acting friends who came to the opening. He felt lighter than he had in weeks with Chris next to him, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling that Chris seemed distant.
When he first noticed it last month, Zach assumed Chris was tired or overwhelmed from meeting so many people. But it seemed to continue after Chris went back to LA. At first, Zach told himself he was imagining things, but after a week, there was a definite pattern: Chris would be less talkative, seem distracted, and then end their Skype session, saying he was tired. Zach knew he had been sleeping less and was stressed out from exchanging countless versions of his manuscript with his editor as they got closer to publishing his novel.
This time though, something was definitely wrong about the practiced smile he gave and the dullness in his eyes.
It wasn’t until they were back at his apartment when Chris actually shied away from his touch while they were in bed. Zach’s stomach dropped into his gut.
‘Are you okay?’ Zach signed.
Chris gave him a tired nod and another unconvincing smile.
Reaching to the nightstand, Zach opened the notebook and wrote on a clean page.
Was it too much tonight? Too many people?
Carefully, Chris shook his head and wouldn’t look him in the eye. Fear crept up Zach’s spine and his heartbeat was suddenly deafening in his ears. It wasn't unusual for Chris to be quiet around new people, but this withdrawn and disinterested version of him was worrisome to Zach.
What’s bothering you?
“Nothing,” Chris said.
Zach studied him carefully and tried unsuccessfully to get Chris to make eye contact with him. He placed a hand on his forearm and Chris looked up with a kind of vacancy in his eyes that made panic rise in Zach’s chest.
‘Please,’ he signed.
Hesitantly, Chris picked up the pen and wrote in the notebook.
I’m so out of place with your friends here. They’re all actors and artists and I’m a boring deaf kid. I’m afraid you’re going to leave me and find someone better whom you have more in common with.
Zach sat up abruptly and reached for the pen in Chris’ hand.
You don’t really think that do you?
Chris bit his lip as Zach handed the pen and notebook back to him.
I saw how happy you were tonight. You were flirting and laughing with everyone. You have this career, these friends who get you as an actor, a life here that I’m not a part of and I wonder if I’m holding you back.
Zach blinked as he stared at the words. His heart was beating so fast that he could feel it in his throat, threatening to choke the breath from him.
I’m happy because you were here. I want to share this with you. You ground me and help me keep things in perspective. You don’t know how much that means to me.
He watched Chris think for a long moment before he began writing again, the pen moving quickly and urgently over the page.
I feel you pulling away from me. You’re more guarded. There’s something you’re not telling me and everyday I think you’re going to wake up and realize you don’t feel the same about me anymore, or that you’re leaving me for some young actor.
Reaching for the pen, Zach realized that his hand was shaking and his handwriting was choppy and rushed.
You’ve been keeping something from me too. You’ve been distant and quiet. Maybe I’ve been keeping something from you, but it’s not what you think. I’ve had this nagging feeling that I’ve let you down. I feel like you deserve more than what I can give you right now. I should be there to support you as you’re writing. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t chasing their dreams while you watch from the other side of the country.
Zach saw that Chris was trying to hide his tears as he picked up the pen.
It’s lonely, but you don’t know how fucking proud I am of you. This was your dream long before you met me. Who would I be to take it from you? Maybe I just came along at the wrong time.
Shaking his head, Zach shifted and wrapped his arms around Chris. They stayed on their sides, facing each other with mirroring looks of worry and uncertainty. Eventually, Zach turned off the light and continued to hold Chris close to him, wondering if they could survive another three months without falling apart and ignoring the possibility that maybe it was already too late.
He woke up in the middle of the night to the feel of gentle but desperate hands on him. Later, Zach’s fingers were tangled in Chris’ hair as sobbed into his neck and came inside him.
“This isn’t the last time. I don’t want to lose you like this,” Zach whispered against Chris’ jaw.
The next morning, they exchanged only a few words before Chris left. After the cab drove away, Zach walked up the two flights of stairs to his apartment and felt as if his chest had been hollowed out. He was tidying up the coffee table when he found the folded sheet of blue lined paper.
Am I still visiting in December?
Zach went to the kitchen and picked up his phone to text Chris, but after typing and deleting seven different messages, he ended up skirting the question completely.
have a safe flight. let me know when you get in. love you.
The next two weeks passed by blindly as the conversations between him and Chris dwindled in frequency and length. He performed every night on stage with little passion. He breathed cautiously because deep breaths seemed to make his chest hurt, and he convinced himself that something as innocuous as air might suffocate him or shatter his heart.
Zach woke up one morning in the middle of November, stared at his calendar, and saw nothing but blue eyes lined with tears. Flipping open his laptop, he booked a flight for later that evening and packed his bag.
As soon as they took their bows, he bolted out the door and hurried directly to the airport.
It was nearly 3 a.m. when he arrived home to find Chris asleep in their bed. Zach watched him sleep, studying the steady rise and fall of his chest, the slight part of his mouth, and the strand of hair that fell across his forehead. Stripping down to his underwear, Zach climbed into bed and smiled when Chris blinked with sleepy confusion before his eyes flew wide open, suddenly alert and shockingly bright even in the dark room. He threw his arms around Zach and hugged him so tightly that it left a bruise.
They spent the next two days in bed curled around each other, confessing and addressing each other’s fears. It started out as a game of ‘would you rather’, which turned into a game of hypotheticals, and then led to honest discussions of the things that had bothered them over the last few months. They acknowledged that, at some point in their future, they’d probably have to endure a long-distance period again. There were no declarations of unrealistic promises, just a mutual agreement to voice their insecurities and paranoia instead of letting them come between them.
He was fumbling through his carry-on in the security line at the airport when he saw the small slip of paper sticking out of his book. He flipped to the page it was marking. The dog-eared corner had been smoothed out and he read what was written on the strip of paper torn from Chris’ notebook.
Hypothetically, what if I asked you to marry me? What would you say?
Zach pulled his phone out from his pocket.
i’d say yes. in a heartbeat.
Zach had spent the day with his mom, walking through museums and visiting different eateries throughout the city. It was the last free day he had before he was finished with his run in Angels. As they headed back toward her hotel, his mom became suspiciously quiet. If there was something she wanted to share with him, he was sure she would when she was ready. He gave her a hug in the lobby and felt her cling to him.
“Come with me for a minute, Zachary. There’s something I want to show you,” she said, avoiding his gaze.
With some concern, he followed her into the elevator and then into her hotel room.
“Sit. It’s nothing bad,” she assured him.
Zach sat at the foot of the bed and watched her back as she looked through her purse. When she turned around, he saw that she had a small jewelry box in her hands. She sat next to him and held the box out to him. Swallowing hard, he took it and opened it, revealing his father’s gold wedding band.
“You mentioned that Chris had said something in passing a couple weeks ago...” she began.
Zach had woken up on Christmas morning in his apartment to find that Chris was watching him sleep. He remembered how Chris had traced his fingertips down his cheek with a soft expression.
“I’m going to marry you someday.”
It played over in Zach’s mind a million times a day.
His mom patted his knee and leaned into him. “I don’t want to meddle in your business. Whatever you two choose to do, marriage or not, official or not, I’m blessed to see how you glow when you’re around each other. The way you look at him, that look -- that same face -- it’s how he used to look at me.”
Unable to summon his voice and the right words, Zach simply nodded.
“Your father would’ve adored him, as well.”
Zach found a strange sense of satisfaction at the curious and suspicious looks Chris kept giving him throughout dinner. Not that he blamed Chris, who came home to the most elaborate meal Zach had ever attempted to prepare. In truth, Zach had been collecting recipes and calling Chris’ mom almost every day in the month since he’d returned from New York to plan this night.
“I wanted to do something special for you,” Zach had explained, and received a raised eyebrow in response.
But Chris played along, fully aware that Zach was up to something, while genuinely enjoying the attention and effort that Zach had put into their dinner. If he noticed that Zach seemed a bit nervous and his knee bounced under the table a little more excitedly than usual, he didn’t mention it.
They fell into a long silence after Zach finished telling Chris about the new project he had been working on with Neal with Corey that afternoon. Chris stood up and began to clear the table, but Zach took his hand and stopped him.
“Just wait,” he said and dragged him over to the couch.
“What’s going on, Zach?”
Placing a quick kiss on Chris’ lips, he grinned and nearly skipped to the bedroom. “Don’t go anywhere,” he said.
He hurried back and sat next to Chris, biting his lip and vibrating with excitement. It took a moment for him to compose himself, but Zach finally took Chris’ hand and placed the same small box in his palm, looking at him expectantly.
“What is this?”
‘Open it,’ Zach signed.
“Did you get me earrings?”
It earned Chris an eyeroll.
Grinning at him, Chris slowly lifted the cover and tilted his head in confusion. The slip of paper had been folded in half three times to fit inside. Chris picked it up, looking at Zach for further instruction. Zach nodded and rubbed his back. Gingerly, Chris unfolded the note and furrowed his brow when he saw his own handwriting. It took a few seconds for the tiny change Zach made to the note to register what the message said.
Hypothetically, what if I asked you to marry me? What would you say?
Chris glanced at Zach, who was staring pointedly at the jewelry box. Following his gaze, Chris looked down and delicately removed the gold ring from its velvet pocket, leaving the note in his lap. He held the ring between the thumb and index finger of his right hand, studying the simple band with quiet intensity and disbelief.
Reaching for his other hand, Zach realized Chris’ hand was shaking as he gently squeezed it. Chris looked up at him with damp blue eyes and Zach drew in a shaky breath, trying hard to smile though the tears that began to pool in his own eyes.
“It’s my father’s ring. Ma gave it to me.” Giving Chris’ hand another squeeze, he let out the deep breath he was holding.
‘Will you marry me?’ Zach signed.
He would never forget the huge smile Chris gave him and the way the crinkles framed his blue eyes, or the sound of him saying an emphatic “yes” followed by his bright laughter.
“Asshole! I was going to ask you! I made reservations for next weekend at your favorite restaurant!” Chris said, bouncing on the couch.
“You were taking too long!” Zach replied.
Laughing, he took the ring and slipped it onto the finger of Chris’ right hand. It was a bit loose, but Chris was so excited that he didn’t seem to care.
Chris wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and then traced his fingertips down Zach’s cheeks, the same way he had done Christmas morning.
Zach closed his eyes at the feel of tear-stained and salty lips pressed to his while Chris’ arms enveloped him and held him together, keeping him from bursting through his own skin with joy.
“Will you marry me?” Chris asked.
Zach bit his bottom lip and grinned. “I can’t wait to.”
Epilogue: Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen