Read My Mind
Title: Read My Mind
Pairing: Hanchul
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I'm from Ohio...not too many hot korean idols to own or make money of off. So do you think I'm doing that with these boys?...didn't think so
Summary: Heechul takes some time to reflect on himself and Hangeng. Warning Angsty.
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Why? Why does everyone have to leave me? I knew it was going to happen eventually, but I didn’t think it would be like this. I thought I would at least have HIM here, but no, he left first. Or maybe I just thought we would be gone all at once and I wouldn’t feel so alone. Maybe if I was on active duty it might be a distraction so I stop thinking so much. That’s my problem, if I’m not doing anything I start thinking and my mind wanders to the point that I can’t control anything anymore.
A wandering mind doesn’t sound bad, right? Well for some people, maybe it’s not really that bad. For a normal person, it probably makes you a little ADD and get off topic easily. But that’s not me. When my mind wanders it usually goes to dark places and makes me rather pessimistic. It always gives me those worst-case scenarios, though most of those are crazy and bound to never happen. But mine always feel so real and as if they could happen at any moment.
He understood that best about me. He knew and did all he could to ease it. He was my distraction. That sounds like I was using him, and I was. Thinking about it now, I realize that and it hurts to think of it. But I can say my feelings for him were real. I may have used him but I truly loved him, still love him, but never showed it enough. Maybe that’s why he left me. Maybe if I had expressed how much I loved and needed him, he could’ve dealt with the pain more.
Or maybe I couldn’t do anything. Maybe I was completely useless to him. Just like a leech, always taking and never helping. But then some people see leeches as having health benefits and curing diseases and I’m probably not like that. I’ve never been of any use to him, have I? I’m always so self-centered and never looked to help him, unless it helped me. Everyone knows I’m self-centered. I bet the only reason they stay with me is because of Super Junior. Why else would they stick around.
Sometimes it hurts how much they bother. They’re so nice and caring to someone who doesn’t deserve them. Jungsu is just doing his job as leader. But at the same time, Jungsu is my only hyung and even if he’s checking up on me and doing his best to make me feel better and feel involved is because it’s his job, it just feels so nice to have a hyung who tries to care. Jongwoon and Donghae make me feel the worst though. Donghae is such a sweet and innocent dongsaeng and is too good to a hyung like me. And his sweetness is contagious to the other members, Hyukjae has tried to help me even though we are still a little awkward around each other. And Jongwoon, he’s the same age as HIM and he probably knows me as well as Jungsu knows me, or maybe even a little better then that. He’s almost tried to take over when since HE left. We’ve always been close but I feel like he sees it as his duty to cover for HIM. Even when SJM was gone he would do the same. But it won’t be long before he leaves me too.
It’s times like these where I want him to be here even more. But then I can’t bring myself to try and contact him. I was always so self-sufficient and maybe because I thought that was why I never realized how much I needed him until he left. But if I go seeking him out, then I’ll be showing weakness, and I may realize that I need him, but I will not sacrifice showing weakness just to have him. I know, that sounds so stubborn, but that’s how I am and that won’t be changed too easily. It’s already enough for me to realize that I need him in the first place. Besides, he always made the first move when it came to helping me. He was there before I knew I needed him myself. If I was hungry, he was always almost done cooking something or about to order something from a nearby restaurant. If I was tired, he would grab the blanket and pull me closer to a comfortable sleeping position before I could even think of going to bed. He did everything for me. It was like he could read my mind. And I wonder if he stopped me from being self-sufficient.
I was so lost in my head I didn’t even realize that my computer pinged to signal a new e-mail until I went to look at the time. Just one new e-mail and it was from HIM of all people. He says that e-mail is easier and cheaper to talk to me.
My Chulie, I’m sorry I haven’t e-mailed you recently. It’s been so hectic that I’ve barely anytime to think. I heard that Jungsu hyung is getting ready to leave for his military service very soon. Yes I talk to more then just you and they like to keep me updated on that kind of stuff. How are you feeling? Are you taking it alright? If I could I would be sitting with you and making the pain of losing a hyung for a while easier. Or at least trying to. I know how your mind gets.
Don’t worry. You still have all the dongsaengs with you. They don’t like seeing you upset either. I know that you’re thinking that you don’t deserve them, but they know you. They know that even though you’re self-centered, you still care for them and are thankful for their support. Wow, I sounded like Siwon there for a minute, didn’t I? Him and his "always be thankful to god" and that crap. Did you smile a little? Come on, that had to cause at least a bit of a smile. Well I’m going to pretend like you did, Okay?
You do know that I’m still here with you, right? I didn’t really leave you. Sure I may be in a different place and we can’t see each other, but I’m still here. You can always e-mail me, or call if you really need to hear my voice. I know you probably won’t do that though. You’re too stubborn and if you do, you’ll just wave it off as being bored and needing some entertain. I’ll always be your entertainment and distraction, okay? Don’t worry about using me. I know why you do it and I know you appreciate it so much.
I could tell you a billion times in this e-mail to not worry, but I know that it won’t stop you. It’s only two years, before Jungsu will come back. Jongwoon will probably stick around for a little while longer. He can’t leave you guys yet. Youngwoonie still hasn’t readjust to take over as band appa again yet, and I don’t think Kyuhyun would like Jongwoon leaving immediately. It would be too much on him to loose both Jungsu omma and his Jongwoonie, cause we all know that Jongwoon belongs to Kyuhyun just as much as I belong to you. I’m still yours and always will be until you give me away, but don’t think I’ll just go too easily, just like I belong to you, you belong to me and I won’t let you go.
Hey, I’m also due to have a break soon, so I’ll find away to go to Korea without too many curious eyes following me. I’m pretty good at that when I want to be. You guys haven’t changed the alarm right? It’s still the same pass key, right? If you changed it, let me know please. My room is still the same too, right? You didn’t turn it into so crazy shrine, right? I’m not dead, just in another country. I’ll come home as soon as I can, as long as I still have a home to come too. I’ve just learned to deal with the fact that I have two homes and I can’t stay away from one for too long, now can I?
I love you.
See you soon. I’ll let you know what the days are. Or should I not and just surprise you?
~Your Hangeng.
See, he just reads my mind. The only difference from then and now, is I realize I need him right before he appears.
A/N: All I can say, is don't ask where this came from. I know it's angsty and mildly depressing. But hey, I write that sometimes too. Can't all be fluff.
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