"Pros, Cons and Blurry Lines" - Tony/Ziva
notes: Short one that sticks very close to 8x20 "Two-Faced", so it has spoilers for this episode and won't make any sense if you haven't seen the episode yet. Also, the fourth part in the "Blood" series, after "The One Where Blood Is Drawn", "Conversations Around A Kitchen Table" and "Leverage". It also won't make much sense if you haven't read these.
word count: 1,100
comments & feedback: very much appreciated.
Pros, Cons and Blurry Lines
But in the bright light of morning, things weren't as clean-cut as he'd thought they were, of course.
In the bright light of morning, she got a call from Ray and he saw her face light up before she could censor it, before she even noticed that Tony was watching her.
In the bright light of morning, it messed him up a little that she reacted to another guy like that, so easily, so smoothly, her mouth softening and her eyebrows losing the crinkle she had sported ever since last night. And even though he'd believed that something had changed between them last night, the bright light of morning showed him that the importance of that moment might have been just a figment of his imagination, because here she was, smiling and being all soft for another guy.
So in the middle of the night, when EJ called him, he said, "Sure, why not", and that was about all it took, no hardships involved, no complicated decisions.
It wasn't the same, but it was pleasant, and he knew his way around her without having to think about it twice.
It was easier, and it was a much better distraction than a movie. But unlike most double features, part of him was anxious for the credits to roll and the sequel with a different cast to begin.
*** *** ***
He knew he should feel guilty about it in the morning, and for a while he tried. But then Ziva walked in with her fancy new boots and all smiley again, and that was when he withdrew and concentrated on that weird feeling of being centered and more in control instead. He wasn't used to it yet, but he was getting there.
He had to admit, she looked good. So good it made him wonder why she had never played dress-up for him. He was pretty sure he would have been able to appreciate it.
Just then she said her line and smiled, and when she turned and almost-winked at him, Tony realized with a start that it was Ray who drew this side out of her. Ray, who encouraged her and gave her pretty gifts, and right now, she felt fancy and girly enough to go along with it. And while he watched her sit down and tuck away her phone, he also realized that she'd never shown that playful side to Tony before for a very simple reason: he had never asked her to. Because he'd been too damn content with what she'd shown him on her own.
*** *** ***
So, fancy Ray, opera Ray, CI-Ray, he turned out not to be quite what Tony had expected. He was, sadly, far from the suave sugar daddy he had conjured up in his mind, and he found that he had no idea why Ziva thought of that man as 'safe'.
Because he wasn't. He was goddamn CIA. He had deception for breakfast, and he couldn't be one of the good-good guys.
And yet, he made Ziva smile.
*** *** ***
It wasn't really a paper towel that Ray flicked into the waste bin. It was Tony's heart, all bunched up neatly and ready for recycling.
He managed to keep breathing and not show any of the pesky feelings that tore through him, although later he would have no idea how.
"You're like a brother to her."
He would have preferred safe, but apparently, he wasn't even that.
*** *** ***
"No," he wanted to say. "I don't think they will get used to you. I'm not even sure I will, you know."
Of course he didn't say it out loud. He never did that, never spoke his mind when he needed to, always just dodged stuff and hoped it would work out alright without him having to do something about it.
So what happened was, of course, not the thing that had been on his mind when EJ had started talking about skylights and cities, but something unexpected instead. Something that turned a few nice and uncomplicated nights into a situation to get used to.
He couldn't help the thought that fate had a crappy habit of rubbing his nose into the mess he made.
*** *** ***
She never cried. He would have known that, like he always knew with her. But he didn't need to see her eyes wet to know about her pain.
*** *** ***
Later, it occurred to him that he should try and talk her out of it. That he should remind her that she'd spent the better part of the year with the guy, after all, and that he was pretty sure there had been a reason for that besides the skiing trips.
Then he thought that maybe he should even nudge her a bit and remind her that she had never told Ray anything about her work, either. Granted, he probably hadn't asked, but that wasn't the point here. Ray with his impressive security clearance probably had a lot less liberties in telling her all about his deepest, darkest secrets.
And maybe, if all of that failed, Tony would start spilling a secret of his own: that he actually thought, despite his expectations, that Ray was a pretty decent guy. (He adored the ground on which Ziva walked, so he couldn't be all bad, right?) And even though it would toss around his own heart a little more, he would probably tell her that Ray deserved a bit more leeway here.
That was the kind of thing big brothers did, after all.
*** *** ***
He wasn't even lying when he said it. In some ways, he did understand EJ pretty well, and mostly in the way that he didn't have to understand her. She felt familiar, easy to navigate, and no hidden mine fields to encounter did make for a refreshing change from other women.
It wasn't the worst of things to settle for, and he knew that. That was why he could make this sound and feel convincing.
He felt Ziva staring at him, felt the full weight of her eyes on him, and so he kept his own lowered to watch his scotch. He hadn't really answered her questions here, and he was glad she didn't press on because he had no real answer for those.
He didn't know what he would do when Gibbs found out. He had no idea, really, what all of this was about. But he could tell Ziva what she needed to hear.
Probably not the most rewarding decision he had ever made, but right now, it felt mostly right, at least.
Now all he had to do was avoid Ziva's gaze for the rest of the night because he may have been ready for the decision, but not for dealing with the consequences. Not yet.
*** *** ***
word count: 1,100
comments & feedback: very much appreciated.
Pros, Cons and Blurry Lines
But in the bright light of morning, things weren't as clean-cut as he'd thought they were, of course.
In the bright light of morning, she got a call from Ray and he saw her face light up before she could censor it, before she even noticed that Tony was watching her.
In the bright light of morning, it messed him up a little that she reacted to another guy like that, so easily, so smoothly, her mouth softening and her eyebrows losing the crinkle she had sported ever since last night. And even though he'd believed that something had changed between them last night, the bright light of morning showed him that the importance of that moment might have been just a figment of his imagination, because here she was, smiling and being all soft for another guy.
So in the middle of the night, when EJ called him, he said, "Sure, why not", and that was about all it took, no hardships involved, no complicated decisions.
It wasn't the same, but it was pleasant, and he knew his way around her without having to think about it twice.
It was easier, and it was a much better distraction than a movie. But unlike most double features, part of him was anxious for the credits to roll and the sequel with a different cast to begin.
*** *** ***
He knew he should feel guilty about it in the morning, and for a while he tried. But then Ziva walked in with her fancy new boots and all smiley again, and that was when he withdrew and concentrated on that weird feeling of being centered and more in control instead. He wasn't used to it yet, but he was getting there.
He had to admit, she looked good. So good it made him wonder why she had never played dress-up for him. He was pretty sure he would have been able to appreciate it.
Just then she said her line and smiled, and when she turned and almost-winked at him, Tony realized with a start that it was Ray who drew this side out of her. Ray, who encouraged her and gave her pretty gifts, and right now, she felt fancy and girly enough to go along with it. And while he watched her sit down and tuck away her phone, he also realized that she'd never shown that playful side to Tony before for a very simple reason: he had never asked her to. Because he'd been too damn content with what she'd shown him on her own.
*** *** ***
So, fancy Ray, opera Ray, CI-Ray, he turned out not to be quite what Tony had expected. He was, sadly, far from the suave sugar daddy he had conjured up in his mind, and he found that he had no idea why Ziva thought of that man as 'safe'.
Because he wasn't. He was goddamn CIA. He had deception for breakfast, and he couldn't be one of the good-good guys.
And yet, he made Ziva smile.
*** *** ***
It wasn't really a paper towel that Ray flicked into the waste bin. It was Tony's heart, all bunched up neatly and ready for recycling.
He managed to keep breathing and not show any of the pesky feelings that tore through him, although later he would have no idea how.
"You're like a brother to her."
He would have preferred safe, but apparently, he wasn't even that.
*** *** ***
"No," he wanted to say. "I don't think they will get used to you. I'm not even sure I will, you know."
Of course he didn't say it out loud. He never did that, never spoke his mind when he needed to, always just dodged stuff and hoped it would work out alright without him having to do something about it.
So what happened was, of course, not the thing that had been on his mind when EJ had started talking about skylights and cities, but something unexpected instead. Something that turned a few nice and uncomplicated nights into a situation to get used to.
He couldn't help the thought that fate had a crappy habit of rubbing his nose into the mess he made.
*** *** ***
She never cried. He would have known that, like he always knew with her. But he didn't need to see her eyes wet to know about her pain.
*** *** ***
Later, it occurred to him that he should try and talk her out of it. That he should remind her that she'd spent the better part of the year with the guy, after all, and that he was pretty sure there had been a reason for that besides the skiing trips.
Then he thought that maybe he should even nudge her a bit and remind her that she had never told Ray anything about her work, either. Granted, he probably hadn't asked, but that wasn't the point here. Ray with his impressive security clearance probably had a lot less liberties in telling her all about his deepest, darkest secrets.
And maybe, if all of that failed, Tony would start spilling a secret of his own: that he actually thought, despite his expectations, that Ray was a pretty decent guy. (He adored the ground on which Ziva walked, so he couldn't be all bad, right?) And even though it would toss around his own heart a little more, he would probably tell her that Ray deserved a bit more leeway here.
That was the kind of thing big brothers did, after all.
*** *** ***
He wasn't even lying when he said it. In some ways, he did understand EJ pretty well, and mostly in the way that he didn't have to understand her. She felt familiar, easy to navigate, and no hidden mine fields to encounter did make for a refreshing change from other women.
It wasn't the worst of things to settle for, and he knew that. That was why he could make this sound and feel convincing.
He felt Ziva staring at him, felt the full weight of her eyes on him, and so he kept his own lowered to watch his scotch. He hadn't really answered her questions here, and he was glad she didn't press on because he had no real answer for those.
He didn't know what he would do when Gibbs found out. He had no idea, really, what all of this was about. But he could tell Ziva what she needed to hear.
Probably not the most rewarding decision he had ever made, but right now, it felt mostly right, at least.
Now all he had to do was avoid Ziva's gaze for the rest of the night because he may have been ready for the decision, but not for dealing with the consequences. Not yet.
*** *** ***