[One-shot] Who am I?
Title: Who am I? (One-shot)
Pairings: Yamajima, Yabu/unknown, Yuto/Keito (friendship), Yabu/Yuto (YUBU!)(friendship)
Genre: Friendship/slight angst
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Yeah...well...I wish I owned them, but I don't.
Summary: Yuto watches Yamada slip away. Yabu wonders who Nakajima Yuto really is.
Sometimes, he wondered if Yama-chan would miss him if he was gone.
“Gomen ne, Yuto! I totally forgot to call you about that movie. Chii and I wanted you to come along but…it’s my fault. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you!”
“It’s okay. Yama-chan has nothing to fear! I’m okay! No need to apologize.”
…
“Gomen ne, Yuto! Filming ran late and I came home and fell asleep immediately. Maybe we can reschedule?”
“Sure, Yama-chan, don’t worry. Lunch is still on me.”
“You’re awesome, Yuto.”
…
Yuto, my boy, a voice whispered in his ear. Why are you so dumb?
It’s not like that, he thought to himself. Yama-chan’s just busy. He’s been doing so much recently. He’ll be back by my side in no time.
Then why, the voice asked softly. Are you talking to yourself instead of your so-called ‘best friend’?
Sometimes, he wondered how the voices in his head got so smart.
[~/-/~]
“Yamada-kun!” Julie called. “Yamada-kun, could I see you for a second? It‘s about the filming dates.”
Yamada grinned, patting Keito on the back happily before bouncing off to see Julie about yet ANOTHER job.
“How many dramas can one boy have in half a year?” Keito wondered, plopping down next to Yuto. “I mean, seriously, how many?”
“Two now, apparently,” Yuto replied, his eyes never leaving the door Yamada had disappeared behind. “Not including Sensei wa Erai. And probably another two before the year’s done. To cover all the television seasons and whatnot.”
Keito blinked. “You know this…how?”
“I can’t explain it,” Yuto muttered. “I’m supposed to know these things about him. He’s my best friend. It’s the kind of thing that happens.”
“…when do you think the show will start?”
“Probably early June. I heard Julie saying something along the lines of June 14th?”
“And filming?”
“Probably sometime soon. Julie said as early as next Friday.”
“…isn’t that when you’re having that party for him? To congratulate him for everything that’s been happening for him?”
“Yeah. I canceled it.”
“Yuto!”
Yuto sighed. “Why bother? If he’s not around, it’s not worth it. And besides, it’s for him. I’ll just change the date or something.”
“Yuto, you’ve been working on this for a month,” Keito said, his dark eyes holding his friend’s gaze sternly. “Shouldn’t he be the one to move things around?”
“He can’t help that his life’s busy.”
“Yuto, this isn’t the first time you’ve had to rearrange things because ‘his life’s busy’. And some of this stuff is important! He wasn’t there for anything important to you in the past month!”
“Keito-”
“When was the last time he hung out with you?”
“Umm…it’s been a while, I guess…”
“Yuto!”
“He’s busy, Keito. And he’s my best friend. I have to make his life as easy as I can.”
“I think that you’re right,” Keito whispered, standing up and turning to him. “You’re supposed to help your best friend. You’re supposed to be there for him. You’re supposed to adore him.”
“Keito-”
“But you know what I think?” Keito asked, walking slowly towards the door. “You’re not best friends if you’re the only one putting your heart into it. You’re just being used by him. And you, my friend, are better than that.”
One swish of the door and Keito was gone, leaving Yuto all alone with too many conflicting thoughts for one boy to handle.
[~/-/~]
“I’m going to bed, Yuto.”
“Same.”
“This was so great of you, Yuto-kun! Thanks for having us over!”
“No problem,” Yuto grinned. “It’s nice to have us all together, just JUMP.”
“It’s not all of us,” Keito muttered grumpily. “Dear golden boy isn’t here.”
Yuto could feel his grin wavering. “It’s okay, Keito. He had a photo shoot, a TV interview and several magazine interviews today. He deserves a break.”
“Why are you letting him run you over like this?” Keito asked, heading into the bathroom. “You deserve more from a best friend. You don’t
deserve what Yamada been doing to you.”
Yuto didn’t answer. He didn’t know why. He just didn’t.
Maybe it was the nature of the question. Maybe it was the fact that in his heart of hearts, he couldn’t help but agree.
Or maybe it was the small tiny part of his heart that wanted to cry when Yabu kept on looking at him with those eyes in those small moments when no one seems to be paying attention. Because he must be doing worst that he thought, if the leader’s been watching.
And adding more to Yabu’s plate is the last thing Yuto would ever want.
[~/-/~]
He couldn’t stop staring at his phone.
“Yuto-kun, gomen ne! I’ve got a test to make up for school and then I’m hanging out with my cousin for the rest of the afternoon. Do you think we could try again for next wee-oops, there’s my teacher. I’ll talk to you later, Yuto-kun! Take care!”
On an ordinary day, he would dutifully call back and leave an incredibly long, rambling, stream of consciousness-like voice mail that would actually get cut off because it was too long, forcing him to record the voicemail in parts (his best total thus far was thirteen. That’s about 130 minutes. Whoa snapz is right). On an ordinary day, he’d blame himself for scheduling it on such a bad day for Yama-chan. On an ordinary day, he’d just say ‘Don’t worry, Yama-chan!’ or ‘It’s okay, Yama-chan, you’re still my best friend’.
On an ordinary day, he wouldn’t be crying on Yabu’s shoulder, praying to whatever god there is that the older boy’s unimaginable strength would somehow rub off on him.
Please, he wanted to beg. Please, please help me. I can’t do this anymore.
[~/-/~]
“Here you go…” Yabu asked softly, passing him a soda before plopping down next to him. “That’s better, ne?”
“Thanks, Yabu-kun,” Yuto whispered, staring back down at his hands.
“I was worried about you,” Yabu continued, taking a sip of his own soda. “We all were. You haven’t been looking g-Yuto?”
He hadn’t realized he was shaking so violently until Yabu wrapped his softer, warmer hands around his.
“Yuto…Yuto…,” Yabu whispered, rubbing his hands softly. “It’s okay…whatever it is, it’s okay…”
“Why…” Yuto murmured sadly. “Why are you worried? Does it really look like I need help that badly?”
Am I really that broken?
“It’s my job and you’re my friend,” Yabu replied, a gentle smile gracing his lips. “It’s what friends do. And besides…you don’t want Ryo-chan to see you like this, right?”
He wanted to laugh. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream, he wanted to pound his fists against Yabu’s chest until the older boy realized what kind of overwhelming abyss had been growing in his heart since ‘Ryo-chan’ had entered his life.
But all he could do was cry.
[~/-/~]
“I see…” Yabu whispered, his hair tickling Yuto’s ear softly. “I won’t lie to you, Yuto, that’s tough.”
They had been lying back to back on the couch for what felt like hours. But he couldn’t bring himself to end this. He couldn’t bring himself to leave the comfort of this room, to leave Yabu. After all, this was the most comfortable he had felt in months.
How is it, , he wondered. That only Yabu-kun can have this kind of effect?
“It feels like I’m drowning sometimes,” Yuto replied. “I don’t care that Yama-chan’s taken my place, I’m happy for him. He deserves this kind of stardom.”
“But you don’t want to be the one hanging on,” Yabu said, his hand tightening around Yuto’s. “You don’t want to be the one to be left alone while the other forgets you even exist.”
“Yeah…” Yuto squeezed Yabu’s hand tightly. He could see it reflected in Yabu’s eyes, that kind of pain left by such a heartbreak. If he squinted, he even thought he could see the person in Yabu’s eyes. Or at least, the devotion that Yabu had to that person.
Why does it sound like Yabu’s been through this already? That he’s actually been left behind?
Yabu sighed. “Yuto-”
“Am I doing the wrong thing, Yabu-kun? Am I holding him back? Am I waiting for something to click in Yama-chan that never will?”
“Yuto, don’t do this to yourself-”
“Should I have let go a long time ago? Am I hurting him by holding on? Am I a horrible perso-”
“Yuto!” Yabu whirled around and pulled him into his chest.
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore, Yabu-kun,” Yuto whispered, his tears staining Yabu’s shirt. “I don’t want to be so horrible”
“Yuto, Yuto, it’s okay,” Yabu replied, rubbing his back softly. “Loving Yama-chan is not a sin.
[~/-/~]
“What do I do,” Yuto whispered, still safely tucked into Yabu’s arms after an hour. “Where do I go from here?”
Yabu sighed and tightened his embrace.
“Yabu-kun?”
Nothing.
“Yabu?”
“…Yuto,” Yabu answered. “Yuto, it’s hard.”
“I know…”
“And I don’t know how to say this but…” Yabu sighed. “You need to realize something.”
“Yabu?”
“Yama-chan does not make who you are.”
He froze. “What?”
“Like I said, it’s okay to love Yama-chan. It’s okay to be his best friend, to be there for him. But,” Yabu frowned. “You’re letting him run
you over. You’re letting him be the deciding factor in who you are.”
“But-”
“Who are you, Yuto?”
“What?”
“Who are you?” Yabu whispered. “Yama-chan doesn’t truly know. I don’t truly know. No one knows but you because you are the one who makes who you are. No one else but you can control your being. And once you figure that out, you can figure out how to live life without Yamada.”
“Yabu-”
“I’m not saying forget him,” Yabu whispered. “But don’t you want to be happy again?”
More than anything.
[~/-/~]
“Five minutes, people!” The director called. “Five minutes before shooting.”
“Hey,” Yabu? he whirled around to find Keito and Yabu standing before him. “We wanted to wish you well on the first day of shooting.”
Keito whipped out a box and handed it to him. Yuto grinned. “Thanks, guys!”
“There’s a book for you, a new game, and some of your favorite sweets,” Keito replied. “We can’t be here too long but we wanted to wish you well.”
Yuto high-fived him happily. “You’re awesome!”
“I know,” Keito grinned before turning to Yabu-kun. “Hey, I’m going to go make sure that the taxi’s still here.”
“Sure, thanks,” Yabu replied, patting him on the back before turning back to Yuto. “So…”
“I haven’t talked to him.”
“And?”
“I feel better than anything ever.” Yabu grinned.
“So things are better?”
“Amazingly, yes…” Yuto replied. “I mean, I’m still grinning at him, high fiving him, the like. But…it’s different now, you know? It doesn’t hurt as much.”
“Yuto?”
“You were right, Yabu-kun,” Yuto whispered, hugging him. “He’s still my best friend.”
“But?”
“But he doesn’t make me who I am. I know who I am.”
Yabu’s arms tightened around him. “And who is that?”
“I’m Nakajima Yuto,” Yuto whispered. “I may be Yamada Ryosuke’s best friend. I may be in love with him. But I’m Nakajima Yuto. And with or without Yamada, that will never change.”
A/N: xDDDDD
I love this fic.
I've never written Yuto before. I've never written Yamajima before. And this is the first fic that I didn't choose a specific Yabu pairing (though I did hint at it...it's really up to your mind who it is.)
And it was awesome.
I have to thank Cammy-chan for looking it over and Kiyu-chan for helping me with the ideas again and looking over part of it.
This was a response to a reader's prompt for "Yuto - Yabu smut with angst" (although I didn't get the smut in). I'll try and actually do that request but for some reason, while I was watching Mayonaka no Shadow Boy (which by the way, is the best work the boys have ever done) for the first time, this came into my head. So I hope you enjoy it.
Oh and by the way, I now unveil the term "YUBU!" for the Yuto-Yabu pairing. Because I find it adorable. Other choices include "KOTO!" and "YUTA!". But Yubu is the first (I think), the original (I think), and I love it. Hope you guys do too!
Tell me what you think! I love hearing from you guys!
Type your cut contents here.
Pairings: Yamajima, Yabu/unknown, Yuto/Keito (friendship), Yabu/Yuto (YUBU!)(friendship)
Genre: Friendship/slight angst
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Yeah...well...I wish I owned them, but I don't.
Summary: Yuto watches Yamada slip away. Yabu wonders who Nakajima Yuto really is.
Sometimes, he wondered if Yama-chan would miss him if he was gone.
“Gomen ne, Yuto! I totally forgot to call you about that movie. Chii and I wanted you to come along but…it’s my fault. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you!”
“It’s okay. Yama-chan has nothing to fear! I’m okay! No need to apologize.”
…
“Gomen ne, Yuto! Filming ran late and I came home and fell asleep immediately. Maybe we can reschedule?”
“Sure, Yama-chan, don’t worry. Lunch is still on me.”
“You’re awesome, Yuto.”
…
Yuto, my boy, a voice whispered in his ear. Why are you so dumb?
It’s not like that, he thought to himself. Yama-chan’s just busy. He’s been doing so much recently. He’ll be back by my side in no time.
Then why, the voice asked softly. Are you talking to yourself instead of your so-called ‘best friend’?
Sometimes, he wondered how the voices in his head got so smart.
[~/-/~]
“Yamada-kun!” Julie called. “Yamada-kun, could I see you for a second? It‘s about the filming dates.”
Yamada grinned, patting Keito on the back happily before bouncing off to see Julie about yet ANOTHER job.
“How many dramas can one boy have in half a year?” Keito wondered, plopping down next to Yuto. “I mean, seriously, how many?”
“Two now, apparently,” Yuto replied, his eyes never leaving the door Yamada had disappeared behind. “Not including Sensei wa Erai. And probably another two before the year’s done. To cover all the television seasons and whatnot.”
Keito blinked. “You know this…how?”
“I can’t explain it,” Yuto muttered. “I’m supposed to know these things about him. He’s my best friend. It’s the kind of thing that happens.”
“…when do you think the show will start?”
“Probably early June. I heard Julie saying something along the lines of June 14th?”
“And filming?”
“Probably sometime soon. Julie said as early as next Friday.”
“…isn’t that when you’re having that party for him? To congratulate him for everything that’s been happening for him?”
“Yeah. I canceled it.”
“Yuto!”
Yuto sighed. “Why bother? If he’s not around, it’s not worth it. And besides, it’s for him. I’ll just change the date or something.”
“Yuto, you’ve been working on this for a month,” Keito said, his dark eyes holding his friend’s gaze sternly. “Shouldn’t he be the one to move things around?”
“He can’t help that his life’s busy.”
“Yuto, this isn’t the first time you’ve had to rearrange things because ‘his life’s busy’. And some of this stuff is important! He wasn’t there for anything important to you in the past month!”
“Keito-”
“When was the last time he hung out with you?”
“Umm…it’s been a while, I guess…”
“Yuto!”
“He’s busy, Keito. And he’s my best friend. I have to make his life as easy as I can.”
“I think that you’re right,” Keito whispered, standing up and turning to him. “You’re supposed to help your best friend. You’re supposed to be there for him. You’re supposed to adore him.”
“Keito-”
“But you know what I think?” Keito asked, walking slowly towards the door. “You’re not best friends if you’re the only one putting your heart into it. You’re just being used by him. And you, my friend, are better than that.”
One swish of the door and Keito was gone, leaving Yuto all alone with too many conflicting thoughts for one boy to handle.
[~/-/~]
“I’m going to bed, Yuto.”
“Same.”
“This was so great of you, Yuto-kun! Thanks for having us over!”
“No problem,” Yuto grinned. “It’s nice to have us all together, just JUMP.”
“It’s not all of us,” Keito muttered grumpily. “Dear golden boy isn’t here.”
Yuto could feel his grin wavering. “It’s okay, Keito. He had a photo shoot, a TV interview and several magazine interviews today. He deserves a break.”
“Why are you letting him run you over like this?” Keito asked, heading into the bathroom. “You deserve more from a best friend. You don’t
deserve what Yamada been doing to you.”
Yuto didn’t answer. He didn’t know why. He just didn’t.
Maybe it was the nature of the question. Maybe it was the fact that in his heart of hearts, he couldn’t help but agree.
Or maybe it was the small tiny part of his heart that wanted to cry when Yabu kept on looking at him with those eyes in those small moments when no one seems to be paying attention. Because he must be doing worst that he thought, if the leader’s been watching.
And adding more to Yabu’s plate is the last thing Yuto would ever want.
[~/-/~]
He couldn’t stop staring at his phone.
“Yuto-kun, gomen ne! I’ve got a test to make up for school and then I’m hanging out with my cousin for the rest of the afternoon. Do you think we could try again for next wee-oops, there’s my teacher. I’ll talk to you later, Yuto-kun! Take care!”
On an ordinary day, he would dutifully call back and leave an incredibly long, rambling, stream of consciousness-like voice mail that would actually get cut off because it was too long, forcing him to record the voicemail in parts (his best total thus far was thirteen. That’s about 130 minutes. Whoa snapz is right). On an ordinary day, he’d blame himself for scheduling it on such a bad day for Yama-chan. On an ordinary day, he’d just say ‘Don’t worry, Yama-chan!’ or ‘It’s okay, Yama-chan, you’re still my best friend’.
On an ordinary day, he wouldn’t be crying on Yabu’s shoulder, praying to whatever god there is that the older boy’s unimaginable strength would somehow rub off on him.
Please, he wanted to beg. Please, please help me. I can’t do this anymore.
[~/-/~]
“Here you go…” Yabu asked softly, passing him a soda before plopping down next to him. “That’s better, ne?”
“Thanks, Yabu-kun,” Yuto whispered, staring back down at his hands.
“I was worried about you,” Yabu continued, taking a sip of his own soda. “We all were. You haven’t been looking g-Yuto?”
He hadn’t realized he was shaking so violently until Yabu wrapped his softer, warmer hands around his.
“Yuto…Yuto…,” Yabu whispered, rubbing his hands softly. “It’s okay…whatever it is, it’s okay…”
“Why…” Yuto murmured sadly. “Why are you worried? Does it really look like I need help that badly?”
Am I really that broken?
“It’s my job and you’re my friend,” Yabu replied, a gentle smile gracing his lips. “It’s what friends do. And besides…you don’t want Ryo-chan to see you like this, right?”
He wanted to laugh. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream, he wanted to pound his fists against Yabu’s chest until the older boy realized what kind of overwhelming abyss had been growing in his heart since ‘Ryo-chan’ had entered his life.
But all he could do was cry.
[~/-/~]
“I see…” Yabu whispered, his hair tickling Yuto’s ear softly. “I won’t lie to you, Yuto, that’s tough.”
They had been lying back to back on the couch for what felt like hours. But he couldn’t bring himself to end this. He couldn’t bring himself to leave the comfort of this room, to leave Yabu. After all, this was the most comfortable he had felt in months.
How is it, , he wondered. That only Yabu-kun can have this kind of effect?
“It feels like I’m drowning sometimes,” Yuto replied. “I don’t care that Yama-chan’s taken my place, I’m happy for him. He deserves this kind of stardom.”
“But you don’t want to be the one hanging on,” Yabu said, his hand tightening around Yuto’s. “You don’t want to be the one to be left alone while the other forgets you even exist.”
“Yeah…” Yuto squeezed Yabu’s hand tightly. He could see it reflected in Yabu’s eyes, that kind of pain left by such a heartbreak. If he squinted, he even thought he could see the person in Yabu’s eyes. Or at least, the devotion that Yabu had to that person.
Why does it sound like Yabu’s been through this already? That he’s actually been left behind?
Yabu sighed. “Yuto-”
“Am I doing the wrong thing, Yabu-kun? Am I holding him back? Am I waiting for something to click in Yama-chan that never will?”
“Yuto, don’t do this to yourself-”
“Should I have let go a long time ago? Am I hurting him by holding on? Am I a horrible perso-”
“Yuto!” Yabu whirled around and pulled him into his chest.
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore, Yabu-kun,” Yuto whispered, his tears staining Yabu’s shirt. “I don’t want to be so horrible”
“Yuto, Yuto, it’s okay,” Yabu replied, rubbing his back softly. “Loving Yama-chan is not a sin.
[~/-/~]
“What do I do,” Yuto whispered, still safely tucked into Yabu’s arms after an hour. “Where do I go from here?”
Yabu sighed and tightened his embrace.
“Yabu-kun?”
Nothing.
“Yabu?”
“…Yuto,” Yabu answered. “Yuto, it’s hard.”
“I know…”
“And I don’t know how to say this but…” Yabu sighed. “You need to realize something.”
“Yabu?”
“Yama-chan does not make who you are.”
He froze. “What?”
“Like I said, it’s okay to love Yama-chan. It’s okay to be his best friend, to be there for him. But,” Yabu frowned. “You’re letting him run
you over. You’re letting him be the deciding factor in who you are.”
“But-”
“Who are you, Yuto?”
“What?”
“Who are you?” Yabu whispered. “Yama-chan doesn’t truly know. I don’t truly know. No one knows but you because you are the one who makes who you are. No one else but you can control your being. And once you figure that out, you can figure out how to live life without Yamada.”
“Yabu-”
“I’m not saying forget him,” Yabu whispered. “But don’t you want to be happy again?”
More than anything.
[~/-/~]
“Five minutes, people!” The director called. “Five minutes before shooting.”
“Hey,” Yabu? he whirled around to find Keito and Yabu standing before him. “We wanted to wish you well on the first day of shooting.”
Keito whipped out a box and handed it to him. Yuto grinned. “Thanks, guys!”
“There’s a book for you, a new game, and some of your favorite sweets,” Keito replied. “We can’t be here too long but we wanted to wish you well.”
Yuto high-fived him happily. “You’re awesome!”
“I know,” Keito grinned before turning to Yabu-kun. “Hey, I’m going to go make sure that the taxi’s still here.”
“Sure, thanks,” Yabu replied, patting him on the back before turning back to Yuto. “So…”
“I haven’t talked to him.”
“And?”
“I feel better than anything ever.” Yabu grinned.
“So things are better?”
“Amazingly, yes…” Yuto replied. “I mean, I’m still grinning at him, high fiving him, the like. But…it’s different now, you know? It doesn’t hurt as much.”
“Yuto?”
“You were right, Yabu-kun,” Yuto whispered, hugging him. “He’s still my best friend.”
“But?”
“But he doesn’t make me who I am. I know who I am.”
Yabu’s arms tightened around him. “And who is that?”
“I’m Nakajima Yuto,” Yuto whispered. “I may be Yamada Ryosuke’s best friend. I may be in love with him. But I’m Nakajima Yuto. And with or without Yamada, that will never change.”
A/N: xDDDDD
I love this fic.
I've never written Yuto before. I've never written Yamajima before. And this is the first fic that I didn't choose a specific Yabu pairing (though I did hint at it...it's really up to your mind who it is.)
And it was awesome.
I have to thank Cammy-chan for looking it over and Kiyu-chan for helping me with the ideas again and looking over part of it.
This was a response to a reader's prompt for "Yuto - Yabu smut with angst" (although I didn't get the smut in). I'll try and actually do that request but for some reason, while I was watching Mayonaka no Shadow Boy (which by the way, is the best work the boys have ever done) for the first time, this came into my head. So I hope you enjoy it.
Oh and by the way, I now unveil the term "YUBU!" for the Yuto-Yabu pairing. Because I find it adorable. Other choices include "KOTO!" and "YUTA!". But Yubu is the first (I think), the original (I think), and I love it. Hope you guys do too!
Tell me what you think! I love hearing from you guys!
Type your cut contents here.